AITA For not attending events with ex wife?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A quiet pizza place buzzed with the laughter of kids, but one seat stayed empty at a 6-year-old’s birthday dinner. The man, still healing from a 21-year marriage’s end, chose to skip the event, knowing his ex-wife would be there, mingling with his sister’s family. The decision wasn’t made lightly—tension simmered beneath his calm exterior, a mix of pride and pain.

His sister’s invitation to the ex wasn’t new, but it stung. Readers feel his struggle: balancing personal boundaries with family loyalty. Is avoiding the past worth missing a child’s joy? The dilemma pulls at heartstrings, urging us to dive deeper.

‘AITA For not attending events with ex wife?’

My ex and I were close to my sister and her kids. When we divorced ex told me she was going to stay involved with my sister and her kids. I was perplexed by this and didn't fight about it. I wanted to see how it played out over time. I assumed she would develop a new life and fade out..

I know I can't control my sister and ex's relationship. It's none of my business.. Our divorce was amicable and we aren't enemies nor are we bff's ( no kids ). Sister had a bday dinner last night for her 6 year old and invited the ex. I choose not to attend. My sister lost her s**t as a result.

She knows how I feel about the ex but thinks I should overlook it for the sake of 'family' imo the ex isn't part of my family any more. I also know my ex and this is a passive aggressive way to cause a wedge between my sister and I. We are close. This isn't the first event I've skipped as a result of the ex being there. Not sure why last night was different. AITA?.

UPDATE:. Thanks for all the insight. I didn't expect all the responses. I am in a new relationship and ex knows that I'm in one. My GF is aware of the situation and is fine with meeting/attending events with the ex there. However, if that is something I can prevent I will.

I've attended 2 events with ex present at my sister's family events ( both bdays ). We don't have much to say to each other and mostly avoid one another. This was a sit down casual dinner at a kid friendly pizza place, grandparents invited along with me/gf and ex. On being amicable, We split after being together for almost 21 years. We had been unhappy for a long time.

We had a few days of crying about the break but mandatory separated by state law then divorced with no fighting. I'm in a good place now and don't want to be reminded of the past. I'm sure I'll make amends with my sister. But if this causes a permeant rift than so be it. I have my own life to live and not willing to sacrifice to make others happy.

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Navigating family events post-divorce can feel like walking a tightrope. The Reddit user’s choice to skip his niece’s birthday highlights a common struggle: setting boundaries while maintaining family ties. His sister’s anger reflects her loyalty to both him and his ex-wife, who remains close to her kids. His avoidance, though, suggests unresolved emotions despite the “amicable” divorce.

The situation underscores a broader issue: how divorce reshapes family dynamics. According to a 2018 study by the American Sociological Association, 40% of divorced individuals report strained family relationships due to lingering ties with ex-spouses (asanet.org). The ex-wife’s bond with the sister’s family is natural but complicates boundaries.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Clear boundaries after divorce are essential for emotional health, but flexibility can preserve family harmony” (gottman.com). Here, the man’s rigid stance risks alienating his sister, while her insistence on including the ex disregards his discomfort. Both perspectives stem from valid emotions—his need for space, her desire for continuity.

Advice: He could attend future events briefly, showing support for his niece while maintaining distance from his ex. Open communication with his sister about his feelings, perhaps suggesting separate gatherings, could ease tension. Setting clear expectations with his girlfriend’s support might also help navigate these events without sacrificing his peace.

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Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s takes are as spicy as the pizza at that birthday dinner! Here’s what the community had to say:

Daskesmoelf_8 − NTA you cant choose who your sister sees, but you can control who you see, and you clearly dont want to see your ex again, which is fair.

HeliosOh − INFO: If your divorce was amicable and you're neither enemies or close buddies - what exactly is the issue?

prettyflyforaturtle − NTA - wth?? You should always come first and your sister should respect when you say that you don’t like to look at your x at every family event since she’s not a part of your family anymore.

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Waste-Phase-2857 − Your ex was a part of your extended family during your relationship and very healthy she developed her own connections with your family members (her family members by marriage). You can't expect your ex to give up those connections just because your marriage ended.

You do however have the right to decide which events you attend and if the other people that are going to be there are more or less important then you not needing to see your ex (which you amicably divorced) anymore. Your sister have a right to be angry since she feels you don't care about your niece (did you use to attend her birthday parties when you were still married?)

and it's more important for you to not have to see your ex. Was the other events you skipped for your niblings or were they adult gatherings? Skipping events for the kids will generate a bigger reaction from your sister. To your question, NTA, you have every right to decide which events you attend.

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But maybe quit calling it an amicable divorce if you won't celibrate your niece's birthday if your ex-wife will be there. If this truly was an amicable divorce, you wouldn't miss a nibling's party (if you used to attend them before the divorce).

emccm − NTA. My family is like this. I’m now no contact with them. After years of therapy I now see that people who come from stable, happy families don’t end up in the kind of marriage I did. My life is better without them in it to be honest. My ex and I never had kids either.

There was no reason to keep in touch with him other than to cause drama and make me uncomfortable. There are some things in life where people have to choose. For me my ex was one of them. You chose to keep him in your life or you chose to keep me in your life. If you didn’t want to “pick sides” I picked for you.

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[Reddit User] − I’m confused. Your divorce was amicable. You’re not friends but no enemies. Where is the problem? Because that’s clearly not the case. And why would your wife be passive aggressively do this?

Just because you are divorced doesn’t mean that she has to give up friendships she built with family members especially if your divorce came peacefully. It sounds like maybe you’re harboring more feelings about your ex than you let on.

KAT_GRL_WNDR − NTA Divorce without kids means you go your separate ways. You sister and ex can be friends as that has nothing to do with you, but family is family and divorce separates families. I don’t understand why people think you should still hang around with your ex.

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You got divorced for a reason and just because it wasn’t turbulent doesn’t mean you want to be around them, especially at an occasion for YOUR family of which they are no longer a member. It would be different if it was mutual friends but a divorcee is no longer family.

This is not sustainable. You are not going to be able to keep missing every event your sister has if she keeps inviting the ex. BUT….once you or the ex gets another partner it will end. No partner of an ex is going to put up with being at the partner’s ex-SIL daughter’s birthday party.

(That s**t don’t even sound right!) I know I would think that was somewhat crass. Also the ex seeing you over and over again with a new partner is going to cause tension and the family will finally “get” it, guaranteed.. Sorry you have to go through this, but you will get through this.

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Left-Car6520 − There's not a lot to go on here, too much detail missing but there is a glaring question.. If you're not enemies, why do you refuse to go to your niece's birthday if she's attending?. Makes it sound like you're stirring drama where there needn't be any.

[Reddit User] − YTA, maybe this is an unpopular opinion but once family, always family if people chose to be. Your ex became good friends with your sister during your marriage, your marriage ended amicably, your ex continued to be close friends with your sister (as is their right, especially since your divorce was amicable),

and you won’t go to your niece’s birthday party because your ex will be there?. my ex and I were close with my sister and her kids. Your ex wife was legally the aunt of your sister’s kids while you were married and became close to them. She may not officially be their aunt anymore, but she is absolutely their aunt in choice (since they’re all still close).

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That makes her their family, by choice.. for the sake of family. Your sister isn’t saying for the sake of your ex being part of the family. She’s upset not seeing your ex at dinner was more important to you than niece’s birthday. You’re not TA because you were obligated to go.

You’re TA because you think the end of your marriage meant your ex suddenly stopped being an aunt to your sister’s kids she was close to. You’re TA for thinking it makes her no longer family, when she’s obviously been their family by choice. And you’re TA for being petty enough that not seeing your ex is more important than celebrating your niece for one dinner.. You said your divorce was amicable. Are you leaving information out?

Throwawayhater3343 − I'm gonna go against the grain here and say YTA You said this was a 6th birthday dinner for a nibbling, a nibbling that still sees your ex as their Aunt irregardless of her relationship with you.

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You stated that she is super close to your sister & her children. To the kids she **IS** family, and frankly, you don't have the right to tell them she isn't. You should have been there for the birthday child and that is why you're the AH in this instance.

These opinions range from fiery support to sharp critique, but do they capture the full picture of family loyalty and personal healing?

This story leaves us pondering: where do we draw the line between family ties and personal boundaries? The man’s choice to skip his niece’s birthday sparked a rift, but it also raises questions about healing after divorce. Should he bend for family, or stand firm for his peace? What would you do if caught between a loved one’s joy and a painful past? Share your thoughts below!

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