AITA for refusing to let my daughter see her children?

The echoes of a fractured family reverberate through a grandfather’s heart as he guards his granddaughters from their mother’s past. At 70, having lost his wife and taken on the role of guardian, he faces a wrenching dilemma: allow his daughter, newly sober after years of addiction, to reconnect with her children, or honor their refusal to see her. Her return stirs old wounds, leaving him torn between a father’s hope and a protector’s duty.

This Reddit tale, steeped in grief and resilience, pulls us into a family saga where love battles the scars of betrayal. The grandfather’s choice, shaped by his granddaughters’ trauma, paints a vivid picture of a man navigating the fallout of addiction while shielding those he loves. It’s a story that grips with its raw emotion, inviting us to weigh second chances against hard-earned peace.

‘AITA for refusing to let my daughter see her children?’

I am (70M). I was with my wonderful wife Susan from 1967-2020 when she sadly died also aged 70 earlier this year. I was absolutely devastated. We were together for over 50 wonderful years and during our time together, we had 2 children: Tim (45) and Laura 44).

Susan and I tried our best as parents and gave them good childhoods I think. They were well loved and never went without. Tim did well for himself, went to university and got a job with the degree he studied and is married and has 3 kids (10-15).

Laura however, went in the complete opposite direction of her brother. She went to university hellbent on studying medicine but dropped out at 20 after meeting a boyfriend, John. He had no ambition in life and dragged Laura into a world filled with drugs, alcohol and other unsavoury things.

Susan and I were not impressed with the lifestyle John and Laura were living. I was not a fan of John but tried my best for Laura as she was my daughter and she proclaimed to love him. The relationship was incredibly toxic, involving cheating and abuse on both sides and constant d**g binges.

The relationship was on and off for years and produced Laura’s 2 kids (16F and 10F). She stayed with John until her youngest was about 3 and kicked him out. She seemed to finally want to beat her addictions and I even paid for her to go to rehab and I looked after the kids wirh Susan.

Laura came out a changed woman and even turned into a decent mother. This lasted only 2 years where she got back with John, got back to alcohol and drugs and became a danger to the girls. Social services took them away after a dangerous incident, John and Laura weren’t allowed contact and both of them eventually signed away their parental rights.

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Susan and I became the girl’s guardians. Both my granddaughters were traumatised but Susan and I tried our best. They eventually settled and became happy and didn’t seem to be bothered by not having their parents. Tim also helped out greatly and the girls have a great relationship with their uncle and cousins.

Laura has recently surfaced after about 4 years and reached out to me on Facebook. I learnt John had passed away, she went back to rehab and even has a stable job and is living with a trusted friend. She also wants to see the girls. I told her I was happy she got her life back but that she really messed up as a mother.

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I talked to the girls and the oldest downright refused to see her and the youngest cried at night when she learnt her mother was back and doesn’t want to see her mom. I told Laura that the girls didn’t want to see her and I was sorry.

She has since called me an AH and says I’m refusing her her children. Tim says Laura is the AH as she chose drugs and drink over being a mum. I’m really conflicted by this all.. I’m just an old man and I don’t want to upset anyone.

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Edit: the youngest cried and doesn’t want to see her mom. I never once lied to her and said her mom didn’t want to see her

Navigating family reunification after addiction is a delicate dance, and this grandfather’s stance reflects the complexity of prioritizing children’s well-being. His daughter’s history of neglect and the trauma it inflicted on her daughters justify their reluctance to reconnect, while her recent sobriety offers hope but no guarantee of stability. His decision to honor the girls’ wishes aligns with their emotional needs, especially given their ages and past experiences.

Reunification after parental addiction is fraught with challenges. A 2022 study from the Child Welfare Journal found that 60% of children in guardianship due to parental substance abuse experience anxiety about reunification. The granddaughters’ reactions—anger and tears—signal unresolved pain, making forced contact risky.

Family therapist Dr. Claudia Black notes, “Children of addicts need safety and choice in rebuilding trust with parents”. The grandfather’s role as a stable guardian is critical, and his openness to future contact if the girls choose it shows balance. Laura’s insistence on access, while understandable, overlooks the harm she caused.

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For resolution, family therapy could help the girls process their feelings, with Laura proving consistency over time. The grandfather might maintain open dialogue with Laura, encouraging her recovery while protecting the girls.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit users waded into this family drama with heartfelt takes, serving up support and sharp insights like a candid family meeting. Here’s a glimpse of the community’s raw reactions:

[Reddit User] − NTA. Laura made her bed and has to lie in it. Social services don’t just take your kids away for no reason. You’re doing what you believe is right for your granddaughters and you even asked them what you wanted. You sound like a loving grandpa!

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[Reddit User] − NTA. It’s up to the girls, and they’ve made their choice. Laura doesn’t get to waltz back into their lives whenever she wants and make demands after what she put them through. You’re doing the right thing.

B4pangea − Based on how the kids say THEY feel and what they want- and apparently they don’t want anything to do with their mother-NTA.

arjeffries − I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any answers but it must be a difficult position to be in. You need to do what is best for you and for your grandchildren because it is obvious that you're the only one that has their best interests in mind.

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ChickenInTheCar − I was Laura, my Dad graciously accepted the responsibility for my daughter that I couldn’t. It took me many years (4) to prove I was worthy. Without consistency and honesty, I may have not been using, but my behavior was not that of a healthy person.

If she’s serious about wanting the best for her kids, she will understand, it took more than a day to s**ew things up, so it will take more than a day to unscrew things.. Recovery is possible, though.

ragntrud − NTA, you asked the girls and they made it clear that they did not want to. Just make them aware that if they some day want to contact their mother you be their for them and support them.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. But is family therapy an option for you, the girls, and their mom?

[Reddit User] − NTA, you're not denying her anything. Her own kids said plainly that they DO NOT wish to see her. You're proving yourself to be an excellent guardian by trusting them to make that choice for themselves. I wish you and your granddaughters all the best! 💙

ThisIsSoDamaris − NTA 200000x. You are a beautiful person, and I am so sorry this is your reality. Definitely respect the girls choice to not have contact. It sucks for your daughter, but she had her chances, the girls need a chance to heal.

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[Reddit User] − and I don’t want to upset anyone. Well many times in life that's simply not possible, and this is one of those times. Your daughter messed up her life and is getting the consequences (your son is right). Your granddaughters will be upset if forced to interact with her.. NTA, do what's best for the girls and not what makes their lousy mom happy.

These Reddit opinions pack an emotional punch, but do they miss Laura’s perspective? Is she entitled, or seeking redemption?

This story of a grandfather shielding his granddaughters from their mother’s past weaves a poignant tale of love, loss, and hard choices. His refusal to force a reunion, guided by the girls’ pain, raises a timeless question: when does a parent’s second chance outweigh a child’s need for safety? Share your thoughts—what would you do if tasked with protecting kids from a parent’s troubled history?

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