AITA for refusing to give my late sons child money if his Stepdad adopts him?

The sting of loss met the shock of betrayal when a grandmother faced a heart-wrenching request: continue funding her grandson’s upbringing while his mother and stepfather planned to erase her late son’s memory. After years of voluntary support, her decision to pull the plug sparked a fiery clash, with accusations flying and family ties fraying. Her blunt refusal, laced with raw grief, laid bare the pain of losing both a son and a connection to his child.

This Reddit tale, pulsing with emotion, pulls us into a family saga where love, loyalty, and legacy collide. The grandmother’s stand, fueled by hurt and principle, paints a vivid picture of a woman fighting to preserve her son’s place in her grandson’s life. It’s a story that hooks with its raw intensity, inviting us to explore the cost of family boundaries.

‘AITA for refusing to give my late sons child money if his Stepdad adopts him?’

My late son died in a car accident a few years ago. He had been dating a girl for a few months and I found out at the funeral she was about 13 weeks pregnant. They were both 22 . Well, I politely asked for a DNA test, and by using my family's DNA, I foud out I did indeed have a Grandson , ' Dave Jr' lets call him .

So anyway, I decided along with my husband to help the girl, ' Lissa' , out. We are comfortable financially, and decided to pay her monthly ' child support' equal to what my son eould have paid, according to our state formula, if he made $30k a year.

We are using our own money, some of which was indeed set aside for Dave Sr's graduate schooling, but still, our money. My son had very few of his own assets, so no estate. We of course buy gifts, outings, etc, like all of our other grandkids. Well ' Lissa' married a guy this summer.

Call him Allen, seems nice, Im happy for her. So anyway Allen and Lissa come over this weekend, and want to ' Talk'. Apparently, the plan is for Allen to adopt Dave Jr , and they are moving out of state. Oh, and can we change his name on the accounts we have once this is legal?

And they will send us pictures, and we can see little Dave sometimes but are not to mention our son until he is ' old enough'. I told them that I'm not paying them the child support, since Allen wants to be his dad so bad that he wants to erase my son, he can pay.

And there are no accounts, and Im not playing games and pretending to be a family friend or whatever this plan is. I also told them to F**k Off and get the hell out. Well Liss and Allen sure think Im TA, my husband's on my side,

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my daughter is torn, and my youngest son hasn't said anything except ' I can't believe you said F**k ' ( I don't swear much unless Im mad). Now her family is calling me, and Allen's mother is trying to get me to ' have a sit down'. So reddit, AITA?

Grief and family dynamics collide in this grandmother’s story, where a stepfather’s adoption plan threatens to sever ties to her late son. Her decision to halt financial support, while emotionally charged, reflects a stand against being sidelined in her grandson’s life. The mother and stepfather’s request to erase her son’s memory while expecting continued payments reveals a stark lack of empathy.

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Grandparental rights and family disputes are complex. A 2023 study from the American Bar Association notes that 15% of grandparents face restricted access to grandchildren post-adoption, especially in stepparent cases. The grandmother’s state-granted rights strengthen her position, but emotional stakes complicate legal recourse.

Family therapist Dr. John Townsend advises, “Boundaries in grief require balancing love with self-respect”. Here, the grandmother’s refusal protects her son’s legacy and her dignity. The mother’s entitlement to support without reciprocity fueled the conflict.

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For resolution, the grandmother could propose a trust for her grandson’s future, maintaining her involvement without direct payments. Legal consultation on grandparent rights could clarify her access.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit users dove into this family drama with fiery takes, dishing out support and sharp critiques like a heated family reunion. Here’s a glimpse of the community’s bold reactions:

Infamous-Wasabi-9007 − NTA. 'We want you to stop being involved in Dave Jr's life, but we want you to still support him financially.'. If Allen wants to be the dad he can be the dad. And the breadwinner.

Lady_Ellie119 − NTA if the step dad adopted he child, your son would also a not have to pay child support any longer if alive, Yes you were a bit rude, but it's entitled of her to assume you would continue to pay child support. Legally you have been gifting her for the kids while life. She wants to erase your son she gets no money from you.

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lil_potato_boi − NTA. i’m sorry but it really sounds like they just want your money and don’t value your relationship to your grandson. you’ve already done more than most would too.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I would have had a slightly different response. I would have told them of course we'll keep putting aside money for Dave Jr, but now that it is a two parent household the money we pay is going into a college or trust for him so that his future is secure and it will be in my or my husband's name.

[Reddit User] − NTA, you did more than most would have done considering the extremely sad circumstances. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

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unknown_928121 − Unnecessary summary of my thought process reading this. the plan is for Allen to adopt Dave Jr. Okay, thats cool. and they are moving out of state. Hmm, okay but how far away because if your close to the border that could be less than an hour drive. and can we change his name on the accounts we have once this is legal?

Pause, theoretically yes you would change the name on the account to reflect the appropriate legal name, but I'm sure that's not what's being implied here. they will send us pictures, and we can see little Dave sometimes but are not to mention our son until he is ' old enough'.. Oooh she really trying to be slick right now huh, NTA

ShmamBo88 − NTA. Lying about his dad is likely to be so much more problematic than just being honest from the get go. This is the kind of thing kids are super traumatized by. You don't owe them anything and it's totally unreasonable for them to expect you to continue your kindness after pulling this crap.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. I’m confused They expect child support payment but plan to keep you in the shadows?? Wtf

[Reddit User] − NTA if you are going to be denied a relationship with him and your son’s memory removed from the child’s life then they should be happy to be free of your money too.

ShakeSlow − NTA. Look, it would have been different if Dave Jr was raised primarily by the new stepdad and all that, so Dave Jr does view him as a father and does want him to adopt him. But it sounds like they haven't even asked Dave Jr, and would just rather he forgots/ never knows his biological dad, and who he was.

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However, it sounds like the young couple just wants to continue getting money from you which they feel they are owed somehow. No, you were very generous in doing so. You didn't have to, but you did. And at the same time, they want to move away?

Why? So that they can pretend they've got everything settled and are not actually having help from the outside? You're right. If the new husband wants to be his dad, he can pay for their kid. That should just be the bottom line here.

These Reddit opinions sizzle, but do they miss the mother’s perspective? Is she entitled, or just navigating a new family?

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This story of a grandmother’s stand against erasing her son’s legacy lays bare the raw pain of grief tangled with family demands. Her refusal to fund a life that sidelines her son’s memory sparks a question: how do you balance love for a grandchild with protecting a lost loved one’s place? Share your thoughts—what would you do if asked to support a child while being pushed out of their life?

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