AITA for not learning sign language for step daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A blended family’s harmony hit a sour note when a stepmother drew a line at learning sign language for her husband’s newly discovered daughter. In a bustling household with two young kids and a packed work schedule, the arrival of a 15-year-old stepdaughter, who relies on American Sign Language (ASL), stirred unexpected tension. The living room, once a place of playful chaos, now hosts a quiet standoff as the stepmother resists her husband’s plea to learn ASL as a family.

Her refusal, rooted in time constraints and the girl’s infrequent visits, left her husband and stepdaughter feeling sidelined. Was she wrong to prioritize her busy life over this new connection, or is her stance a fair boundary? This story of family, effort, and inclusion pulls readers into a delicate debate where good intentions and practical limits collide.

‘AITA for not learning sign language for step daughter?’

I (30sF) have been married to Buford (40sM) for about a year. I brought Jay (8M) and Juniper (5F) from a past marriage, and until very recently we thought Buford had no children. We had no intentions of having more kids. As it happens though, it turns out Buford actually does have a daughter Markita (15F).

Her mom did not tell Buford about her pregnancy and ultimately moved states, so he had no idea until she reached out on FB. We were a little dubious, but she turned out to be right. Markita and mom moved back to our state in the meantime and live about 40 minutes from us. She wants visitation with Buford which he has agreed to.

There's no formal custody arrangement between Buford and mom so it's basically just sporadic weekends and school holidays. Usually this is just between the two of them, but sometimes she will come to the house and has even slept over a few times.

Here's my dilemma. Markita is hearing impaired. I'm not entirely sure to what degree but I do know she almost exclusively uses ASL. No one in our family knows ASL but Buford has been trying to learn for her. The last time Markita was here he pitched to me the idea of us learning ASL as a family.

The truth is that I really don't know if that is worth the effort. Markita is present at our house maybe once a month. I would consider it if she were going to be over more often, but I work 48 hours a week and I just don't have time for something like this.

I also know 3 different languages, one of which was in adulthood and it was very difficult for me even fifteen years ago. I just can't fit something like that into my life, but I told Buford that Jay and Juniper can still learn if they're interested.

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The kids don't want to since I'm not and now Buford thinks I'm being ridiculous since I have no other way of communicating with Markita. I told him we can work something out but he didn't want to hear it honestly. Markita also thinks I should learn some basic signs but between work and kids even that would be a struggle. AITA for not wanting to learn sign language?

A stepdaughter’s arrival brought a new challenge to this blended family, but the stepmother’s refusal to learn ASL risks building walls instead of bridges. The husband’s push for family-wide ASL learning reflects a desire to include his daughter, who relies on it, while the stepmother’s resistance stems from a packed schedule and doubts about necessity. Her stance, however, may signal disinterest to a teen already navigating a complex family shift.

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Dr. Joshua Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, notes in Harvard Health Publishing, “Blended families thrive when all members make small efforts to connect.” A 2023 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 55% of stepfamilies face tension over unequal inclusion efforts. Learning basic ASL—30-50 signs for greetings and essentials—takes weeks, not years, and could foster goodwill, even with monthly visits.

The stepmother’s multilingual background shows her capacity, but her dismissal of “basic signs” as too hard feels like a choice to opt out. Her kids’ reluctance, mirroring her own, misses a chance to model empathy. Dr. Sparrow suggests, “Small gestures signal belonging.” She could start with free ASL apps like Lingvano, committing 10 minutes daily, while encouraging her kids to try. The husband should acknowledge her workload but clarify Markita’s needs. Resources like The National Deaf Center offer accessible ASL tools. Small steps can knit this family closer.

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These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit dove into this family drama with claws out, serving up a mix of outrage and advice like a heated family reunion. From slamming the stepmother’s attitude to urging baby steps with ASL, the comments are a fiery blend. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

mgutier − YTA. One of the biggest ones I have seen on here. Like Top 3. You might be even a bigger a-hole than the dude who showed up to his ex-girlfriend’s mom’s funeral (that he wasn’t invited to) with a new girlfriend.

keepthecrazyquiet − YTA. WOW! “ I don’t know if it’s worth it”, seriously? My new stepdaughter, that I didn’t want has a disability but I unwilling to make any effort to accommodate a d as such I have taught my kids that they don’t have to make any effort either. Not only are you an a**hole but you’re the definition of a wicked stepmother and terrible role model to your own children.

BensMom2019 − YTA and ASL can be useful in a lot of places with a lot of people. It doesn’t take a horribly long time to learn the alphabet and a few key words or phrases.

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FormalFistBump − YTA for shutting this down completely without even trying. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to learn a few words or phrases and go from there.

SexyMaiOfficial − YTA. What does marriage mean to you? The man you married, the man you LOVE is asking you to learn ASL for his DAUGHTER. He shouldn’t have even asked or suggested it. You should have been allllll over it.

If this child doesn’t mean that much to you I understand but your HUSBAND cares for her and dammit that should make YOU care. You married this man. That means you should support him even if it means doing something you do not want to do. That little girl is now your stepdaughter.

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Could you do any less to make her feel welcomed and loved? She’s hearing impaired and just found out about her long lost dad. Now, she’ll come to learn her step mother couldn’t be bothered to learn ASL just because she only visits once a month?. Would you want your own biological children treated that way if it was them?. Good grief, YTA OP.

HotBoxBakes − My god, as a mother this is the kind of thing that scares me when it comes to letting new people into my kids life, you can't even be arsed to learnt to communicate with the kid. YTA, a huge one.

Amiedeslivres − YTA. A family member isn’t ‘worth the effort’ because she doesn’t live with her dad? Wow. My goodness. I learned basic signs as a minimal courtesy to customers when I worked retail, and a few more when I had some Deaf coworkers in a different department, to be able to greet them and thank them and a few other common interactions.

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It wasn’t hard. I taught a few to my kids when they were literal babies, so they could ask for what they needed before they could speak orally. Again, not hard. None of us are fluent but we can be courteous, we can be kind, we can acknowledge people.

You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be, and holding back your kids from learning, and creating barriers between yourself and your husband and his child. Your resistance, your overblown sense of being put-upon, your selfishness are preventing your husband’s child from being included in his household and the life of his family.

You’re teaching your kids that Deaf/hard-of-hearing people aren’t ’worth the trouble.’ You’re inviting resentment into your marriage. Do you plan on sticking around? ETA AW, y’all are sweet, look at this internet bling. I’m going to learn a new sign today because this post was just so. Very. Y’all go get you some sign vocabulary!

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AngryPrincessWarrior − YTA- “not worth the effort” ?!. It’s his f**king daughter. If you love and respect your partner, then it is worth the effort.. Not to mention it opens doors for employment for your children later in life.

ThirdEyeDragon − YTA I tutor a kid once a week that is deaf. His eyes light up when I learn a new word.. Start somewhere. One sign at a time. It will mean the world to this young girl.

unknown_928121 − Markita is present at our house maybe once a month. Poor kid doesn't want to come around more, because it's clear she's not wanted. I mean why stick around somewhere when no one can carry a conversation with you, YTA

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These Redditors didn’t hold back, with many calling the stepmother’s stance cold but offering practical tips. Do their takes hit the mark, or are they too harsh? This family clash has sparked a lively debate.

This ASL dilemma lays bare the challenges of blending families with unique needs. The stepmother’s refusal to learn sign language, while practical, risks alienating her stepdaughter and husband. Her workload is real, but small efforts could signal care. The husband’s push for inclusion is valid, yet he must meet her halfway. A few signs could go a long way. How would you balance family ties and personal limits in a blended family? Share your thoughts below!

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