AITA for not sharing a bank account?

At a cozy café meeting with a financial advisor, a bride-to-be’s hopes for a shared future dim. Her fiancé, supporting seven adult family members with thousands of dollars, expects to merge their finances. Stunned by his spending, she pulls back, sparking a heated fight.

The 29-year-old woman, now questioning her trust, faces accusations of hypocrisy from her fiancé and his family. As their fall wedding looms, this clash over money and loyalty raises a burning question: is protecting her finances selfish, or a stand for her future?

‘AITA for not sharing a bank account?’

I (29F) have been with my fiancé (30M) who I’ll call D for 10yrs. We are supposed to get married in the fall. We don’t currently live together and last week we met with a financial advisor (I’ve been working with him for 6 years personally, my fiancé has never spoken to anyone about finances so we picked him as I trust him already)

to talk about combining assets as we plan on completely sharing finances. I was worried I’d be bringing very little to the table. I finished my specialized training last year, so I’ve either been a full time student with no actual income or making a very small salary that hardly covered my bills since high school.

I basically have my car and minimal savings, but I have paid off all my debt. I currently make about 75% of D’s income. D’s been working for the last 6 years in a very well. paying job so I figured he’d have more assets. His finances were so terrible my advisor actually called to speak to me after our meeting to tel me to keep my finances separate from D’s.

The reason is that D is essentially supporting 7 other adults- his parents and 5 siblings (4 are adults). His parents had 7 kids and can’t support them on one minimum wage income- they had a lot of government aid but now that the kids are adults that’s stopped.

I knew D helped out when his siblings were younger, I thought it was admiral that he was willing to help ensure his siblings had a decent home to live in. Now that they’re all grown I don’t agree with continuing to help like he is (and honestly now seeing what he actually paid I think it’s always been way too much).

In the last 3 months he’s spent over 15k on them for things like repairing the roof, putting in an ac unit (ac is not standard or necessary where we live, heat is) and then paying for them to run it, etc. I’m floored. I told him I wasn’t comfortable sharing bank accounts anymore. I tried being diplomatic, but instead it turned into a fight.

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He was angry that I don’t want to help those in need and only my family (I have my brother all my savings (5K) last year when he fell on hard times, but he’s paid me back almost 3K). I wouldn’t mind helping his family occasionally. Or if they used the help to try to turn things around. My family can give and take.

I gave my brother money because I knew he was going to put it to good use. D’s family just takes, spends and asks for more. I’m worried if we share accounts then D will start giving my money away too. I told him the only way I can see this working is that we keep things separate.

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We split bills equally and control our own spending money (though I worry how this would work with kids). I just don’t want our family to suffer for his family’s mistakes. D is calling me TA as is his family and some friends (D went around telling our friends about how I’m a h**ocrite and don’t trust him).

EDIT: thank you for all the support and advice everyone! It is appreciated. D ended up seeing this post and it forced my hand a little earlier than I was prepared for. But, we talked/argued but ultimately we’re done. He admitted to hiding this from me because he knew I’d be upset

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and want him to go back to counseling (I didn’t realize he stopped therapy last year- he never said he was still going but he did imply it a number of times and admitted to hiding that too). He has a lot of baggage. His parents did serious damage to him and while he really has done an amazing job of getting out of that situation and breaking the cycle, he’s got a lot of baggage.

And unfortunately that baggage is not something I’m willing to carry because I just can’t trust him anymore after this massive lie. He feels responsible for his siblings struggling so much and while he hasn’t said it, I think he wants his parents approval too. He knows it’s not healthy what he’s doing.

But he also admitted that he doesn’t really want to stop because again, he feels like he owes it to help his family since he’s the only one who’s done well. He doesn’t think a family needs a big house, an apartment is fine or that kids need extra activities like piano or dance lessons.

He thinks we would be fine basically living off my salary and we would, but it won’t be the life I want and I don’t think I’ll ever trust him again. And I don’t want that kind of marriage. It breaks my heart, but I need to leave for my own sanity.

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This financial face-off feels like a soap opera with high stakes—money, trust, and family loyalty collide. The OP’s fiancé funnels thousands to his parents and adult siblings, while she, fresh from paying off debt, wants to protect her earnings. His anger and public badmouthing only deepen the rift.

The fiancé’s enabling reflects a deeper issue. As psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson notes, “Adult children often feel obligated to rescue emotionally immature parents.” His $15k spending in three months shows a pattern, not a one-off. The OP’s loan to her brother, mostly repaid, isn’t comparable—she prioritizes accountability.

This mirrors broader trends: many couples clash over family financial ties. The OP should insist on counseling to address trust and boundaries. If he refuses, rethinking the marriage may be wise.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s takes are as bold as a wedding toast gone wrong! Here’s what the community had to say:

pittsburgpam − NTA and if your financial advisor went so far as to warn you, I'd take his advice. Fiance calling you TA and bad mouthing you to others is so very not OK. If that is how he acts about this, what happens when you have other big disagreements like buying a house, having kids, how to raise them?. Don't tie your finances to his, obviously, and get a pre-nup even, if you go through with this.

AsharManjhi − NTA… i’d suggest you reevaluate everything in the relationship… his family is now full of adults and all he is doing is enabling them to be leeches. They’re calling you names because you just burst their bubble.

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DramaCat95 − NTA. You’re not being an AH, you’re being SMART. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise! Edit: i was gonna refrain from commenting on your relationship but... together for 10 years but not living together? Him expecting you to make your money available to his family? His behavior towards you when you’re just trying to protect yourself... maybe there’s another decision you need to be smart about.

Throwawayhr1031 − NTA. He's upset that he can't spend your money on his family as well.

GrizzlyMommaMT − NTA. My husband and I have kept separate accounts the whole 13 years we have been together and it's worked great. We split all bills and he buys what he wants I buy what I want, no fights.. Do not share finances if you aren't 100% ok with it

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soul_and_fire − NTA. he would throw your money to his family in a second, and he can’t compare a loan that’s more than half paid back to how he supports his family, which he should not still be doing. could the financial advisor have spoken to him?

a_tyrannosaurus_rex − NTA. His family are parasitizing him. If he is fine supporting them that is on him, they aren't your problem. However it might be time to have a hard conversation because once you marry into his family they will likely become your problem.

This combined with the fact that he basically chose them over you almost instantly means you might be in for some serious issues early on. Not saying you should run for the hills, but this behavior is one of those 'red flags' everyone talks about. You should definitely really take that into careful consideration.

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bloodfeier − That all sums up to one thing…don’t marry the guy, without some serious counseling and I do mean financial AND mental health. If he can’t see the difference between “loaning” someone some money and being paid back, and just spending money ($15k?!?) on other capable adults with no hope of recouping those funds, that’s an issue.

The fact that he is mad at you, and spreading what I can only assume are lies about the situation to turn others against you is the main reason I’d would require the counseling before Id take another step toward marriage, if I were you.. NTA.

ParsimoniousSalad − It's not that you don't trust him, it's that you do not want to support all his extended family members. That is perfectly reasonable. You LOANED money to your brother, who is paying you back. D SUPPORTS his family. There is a big difference.

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You are right to worry about how this will work if you have kids. Will he cut off the flow to his family to save for and prioritize your children? You two need to work through these issues before the wedding, probably with a counselor who specializes in this.

NTA. Good luck. EDIT: You know, forget it. He went around bad mouthing you because you hesitated to give him access to your money. Forget him. This guy does not respect you and you should protect yourself and rethink the relationship entirely.

FalseUnder − NTA and I'm not surprised that his family are not happy, they were looking forward to another source of cash.

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These opinions hit hard, but do they clarify the chaos or just add more drama?

This financial feud leaves us wondering: is the OP wrong for guarding her money, or is her fiancé’s loyalty to his family the real issue? Trust and money are tough to untangle. What would you do if your partner’s spending threatened your future? Share your thoughts below!

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