AITA for not wanting my stepdad to be father of the bride at my wedding?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The air was thick with the scent of peonies and anticipation as a 27-year-old bride-to-be finalized her May wedding plans, her heart set on a day that honored her vision. Yet, beneath the excitement, a quiet tension simmered. Her stepdad, a fixture in her life since she was 12, hoped to step into the cherished “father of the bride” role, a gesture she gently but firmly declined, stirring family emotions.

Losing her dad at 10 left a void she’s guarded fiercely, choosing respect over closeness with her stepdad. Her wedding, a celebration of love and personal choice, now faces the weight of familial expectations. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do you balance honoring your boundaries with sparing the feelings of those who care? Her story unfolds with raw honesty, inviting us into this delicate dance of family and self.

‘AITA for not wanting my stepdad to be father of the bride at my wedding?’

I (27f) am getting married in May 2022. This has come up a few times and I'm starting to feel a little bad so I wanted to see if others think I'm the AH or not. My dad died when I was 10. My mom met my stepdad when I was 12 and married him when I was 13. Full disclosure;

I didn't exactly want her to get married but I understood and respected and supported her right to be happy again. It was hard for me. And while I was always polite and civil to him, I never wanted to bond or develop a deeper relationship with him. For me I felt that as long as I treated him with respect that was all I needed to do.

It upset them both a lot but they accepted it because nobody could deny I was civil. It has only become a problem now that I am getting married and didn't give him the father of the bride role at my wedding. They first asked about it when I mentioned needing them to pick a song to walk to their seats to at the ceremony. My stepdad asked what about me.

I told him I would be walking with my fiance. He said he was expecting to do it and I told him it was okay. Then they asked about the father/daughter dance and I told them there was only going to be the first dance between me and my husband but we could dance after. I then asked if they wanted to do a joint speech, sperate speeches or something else.

He said he wanted to be a more traditional father of the bride. I told him I understood he wanted that but that wasn't going to be a role at my wedding. He asked why. I said my fiance and I decided not to do it. Afterward my mom told me that I might not love him or consider him a part of my family but he is still a person with feelings and I should let him do this stuff for him.

She told me it was never too late to embrace having another father in my life. I told her I did not want another father in my life, that I was happy with my life, but if it would make him happy we could work out a dance at the wedding. She said it sounded like I didn't want it and I said I was willing to do it to spare feelings but I had already chosen not to do a specific spotlight dance with him.

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She told me they would be willing to pay for the wedding if that was the issue and I said money wasn't the issue and we were fine paying for it. Apparently my lack of enthusiasm means they rejected it and yet they are still asking for him to have the role. I don't want him to have it.

This isn't anything against him. It's a me thing. It was always a me thing. And I'm fine with that. I worked in therapy on this for several years to realize my boundaries and feelings are okay and I have a healthy understanding of how I feel/where my mind is at.. And now I'm wondering if I'm an AH for not.. AITA?

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Navigating family roles during a wedding can feel like walking a tightrope. This bride’s decision to forgo traditional roles like the father-daughter dance highlights a deeper struggle: balancing personal boundaries with family expectations. Her stepdad’s desire to participate reflects a common hope to solidify bonds, but her resistance stems from a loyalty to her late father and her own comfort.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in his work with the Gottman Institute, “Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care and maintaining authentic relationships” (source: Gottman Institute). Here, the bride’s boundaries are clear—she respects her stepdad but doesn’t see him as a father. Her mother’s push, though well-intentioned, risks overshadowing the bride’s autonomy.

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This situation mirrors broader issues in blended families, where 40% of U.S. marriages involve at least one partner with children from a previous relationship (source: Pew Research Center). The bride’s choice reflects a need for authenticity, but her stepdad’s hurt feelings are valid too. A compromise, like a shared dance without the “father” label, could honor both sides.

To move forward, open communication is key. The bride might express gratitude for her stepdad’s role in her life while reaffirming her wedding vision. Couples therapy or a family mediator could help navigate these talks, ensuring everyone feels heard. Ultimately, the bride’s day should reflect her heart, but small gestures can ease family tension without compromising her truth.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The Reddit crew dove into this wedding drama with gusto, serving up a mix of cheers and side-eyes that could rival a family reunion potluck. Here’s what they had to say:

Any-Chipmunk9737 − NTA you set your boundaries and they need to respect them. Stay firm.

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pdnim7 − **NTA.** It's your wedding, so do as you please. It's nice that your step-dad would offer to do such things, but you set the limit and were even willing to compromise during the wedding reception. Your mother needs to remember and recognize that it's your day and should not press the issue any further.

bahamut285 − NTA except your mum. From your story it seems like your stepdad asked fairly politely and didn't flip out at you when you said no and respected your wishes. You're allowed to say no and your stepdad is allowed to be temporarily sad. Your mum became the A when she tried to emotionally manipulate you into feeling guilty about not loving your stepdad, when it has nothing to do with it at all.

FireInsideofMe − Youre NTA. Your mom needs to let go of this fantasy family she has in her mind. You can't force a father daughter bond. This is your wedding ultimately, so make it what you want it to be. Otherwise, youll regret being forced or manipulated into doing things.

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Im not understanding the hes a person with feelings comment tho from her...i mean, he obviously knows he wasnt like a dad to you...so shes basically saying his feelings matter more than your wants at your own wedding. Its not as if you were being cruel to him either. If you were, then I'd understand that comment. But as is, shes just trying to manipulate you

Matelot67 − NTA - But..... This man has been a part of your life, and a part of your family, for 14 years. By all accounts, it's been you that has kept him at a distance, and I wonder why you have chosen to do that. I understand that there are boundaries that have been set,

and you have the right to have those boundaries respected, but at the same time I think that there is more going on than you might be disclosing.It's also clear that your step-father has a great deal of affection for you.

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It may also be a good time for you to look back on the last 14 years, and ask yourself what has your step-father done that has put him in this place in your life. He will never replace your father, but I wonder that in being so focused on not letting anyone replace your father,

you may have deprived yourself of a much better relationship. For context, my father passed when I was 6, I had a loving stepfather who risked his relationship with me every day in order to make sure I had the male role model a growing boy needed,

and now the wheel has turned full circle, and I have 4 adult step children to accompany my three biological children, and although my step-children don't call me Dad, and I don't expect them too, we have nonetheless developed a strong and loving bond, which we all treasure!. I respect your boundaries, and I hope you have peace.

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CityBride − NAH I actually do feel a little bad for the guy in general. Sounds like he’s a good guy who loves your mom, loves you, tried to be a good stepdad. And while I don’t fault you for your feelings, how hurtful and unpleasant it must’ve been for him to have a stepdaughter who was merely civil to him due to no fault of his own.

And having to live with that vibe for many years until you grew up and moved out. He probably had visions of a happy family not a merely tolerating his presence one. You’re not wrong, your boundaries are your boundaries, but I can’t really call him an a**hole for feeling hurt/disappointed that his stepdaughter has never accepted/welcomed/liked him.

And I feel for your mom who is in a weird position herself. She loves you, your dad, and your stepdad. And she’s not wrong about it never being too late to develop a friendlier relationship. Sounds like he’s in it for the long haul, will be your kids’ grandpa (if you have kids), family holidays, etc for the rest of his life.

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IncredulousPulp − NTA. Tell your mum: “You chose him as a husband, but I didn’t choose him as a dad. I respect him and I’m glad he makes you happy, but please accept that I don’t see him as my father. That’s just not his role in my life.”

That said, the man did help raise you and it would be good to honour him for it at your wedding. Maybe a toast? There’s nothing like some heart-felt and true words to let someone know you value them.

Then_Jury_1336 − I’d just like to add that the idea of the father “giving away” the bride is so archaic. You are entering into a marriage with your fiancé, your parents should be there for support and not for the purpose of showing approval and giving you away to another man. Let them know this. You respect his role as a father figure, but what you really need on that day is love and support for the marriage you’re about to enter. NTA.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. This is about you and your new husband, not your stepdad. Your mom and he need to step off.

Maladict33 − NTA. You can't force a child, or the adult that child grows into, to accept someone as a surrogate parent. If that's the roll your stepfather wanted to play, he's got a right to feel sad that you two never had that kind of bond, BUT, your wedding is *your* wedding. He needs to get over himself and not impose his needs on what is supposed to be your big day.

These Redditors rallied behind the bride’s right to shape her day, though some nudged her to consider her stepdad’s feelings. But do these fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the family fire?

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This bride’s story reminds us that weddings are as much about personal identity as they are about celebration. Her choice to honor her late father and her own boundaries over traditional roles speaks to the courage it takes to stay true to oneself. Yet, her stepdad’s quiet hope for inclusion tugs at the heart, showing how love and hurt can coexist in blended families. A small gesture, like a toast or a dance, might bridge the gap without dimming her vision. What would you do if you were caught between family expectations and your own heart’s truth? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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