AITA for not tell my family I demolish my pool?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Sunlight glinted off the still water of the backyard pool, a shimmering lure for family gatherings that left one woman drowning in frustration. For a 29-year-old homeowner, her dream house in a vibrant neighborhood came with an unexpected burden: a pool that turned her home into the family’s default party spot. Unannounced visits, guilt trips from parents, and surprise babysitting duties pushed her to a breaking point. When she decided to trade the pool for a serene garden, her family’s fiery reaction left her questioning: was she wrong to keep her plans quiet?

The pool, once a sparkling perk, became a symbol of lost control, with relatives dropping by uninvited, leaving her to manage chaos. Her decision to reclaim her space wasn’t just about concrete and chlorine—it was about setting boundaries. Readers, brace yourselves for a tale of family expectations clashing with personal freedom, where a single choice ripples into a heated debate.

‘AITA for not tell my family I demolish my pool?’

I will try to keep it short. I am (29F) the only one in the family with a house with pool. This have been nice, but also a lot annoying. All the family parties was moved to my house and I didn't have a say over this or my parents would call me and guilty trip me.

I didn't even like pools that much, and only brought this house because is a amazing neighborhood, and is close to my job, and because for a unknown reason the house was 45k under the marketing value. Cut to this year, during one weekend my brother and sisters came to my house without notice and dropped 6 of my nephews and nieces (4-9 yo) to play in the pool,

and I was made involuntary babysitter for the entire afternoon. After that I would blatantly lie about not being home and refused to give them a copy of the keys. But I ended up feeling bad about that. After a bit of plan I decided the pool have to go.

I searched houses in my currently neighborhood but didn't found nothing really attractive, so I talked a bit with a neighbor who gave me the idea of demolish the pool and just making something nice in the place. I really liked the idea of having a garden since the pool takes a lot of space.

And have the bonus of my taxes over my house will drop a lot. I talked to a contractor and decided a budget and a project. Everything was doing ok until the this month, so the construction was put on hold.

Today I received a call of my SIL wanting to talk about my nephew birthday in august, she wanted to use my house to the party, I told her this was not possible because I was getting ride of the pool, she got really mad because I didn't warned her.

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After that one of my sisters called me to know if this was real, and after a call of my parents who talked me down about my selfishness and lack of love to my family. I don't think I am wrong but a friend told me that I was wrong in not telling them in advance.

Deciding to reshape your home to fit your needs shouldn’t spark a family feud, but for this homeowner, it did. The clash highlights a classic tension: individual autonomy versus family expectations. The homeowner’s frustration stems from her family treating her property as a communal space, disregarding her boundaries. Her choice to demolish the pool reflects a bid for control, but the lack of communication fueled the conflict.

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This scenario mirrors broader issues of family entitlement. According to a 2023 Psychology Today article, family dynamics often blur personal boundaries, especially when shared resources like a pool are involved (psychologytoday.com). Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Clear boundaries are essential for healthy relationships; without them, resentment festers.” Here, the homeowner’s silence about her plans likely amplified her family’s sense of betrayal, even if their expectations were unreasonable.

The underlying issue—entitlement to someone else’s property—touches on a common social dynamic. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 68% of adults report feeling pressured to accommodate family demands at personal cost (psycnet.apa.org). The homeowner’s family likely saw the pool as a shared asset, ignoring her financial and emotional burden.

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Advice: Open communication could have softened the blow. She might consider a calm family meeting to explain her decision, emphasizing her need for privacy. Setting firm boundaries, like requiring advance notice for visits, can prevent future oversteps. If tensions persist, a family therapist could help navigate these dynamics.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s verdict was swift and spicy—here’s what the community had to say, with candid takes and a dash of humor:

recoveredcrush − NTA, but your family is. YOU are making the payments. It’s YOUR house. It’s not a family compound. If they want a pool, they should buy a house with one.

GordonG47 − NTA I have a pool too, and I'm sick of spending money on it. A garden bed sounds like a wonderful idea. Hardly anyone uses our pool, but the neighbors all know they can under one condition - you use it, you're responsible for whoever is in it. I'm not a baby sitter.

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If you want to have a party, there is a clearly defined area, and you ask well in advance. If I say no, that's the end of the discussion. If I decide to fill it in, I will, and that will be *my* decision and will be non-negotiable.. EDIT: Your friend is an AH - it's none of their business.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I would be pissed if family members left me with six kids and a pool. That’s so irresponsible and such a burden on you. There have no right to be mad about your pool— and they’re probably mad about the baby sitting part too

[Reddit User] − NTA you don't owe them pool time, it sounds like they've been walking all over you and mad they won't be able to now.

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AUR1994 − I would prefer to not say this about your siblings and parents since you can’t choose your family. But because you can choose friends, I will tell you that you need new friends. Everyone mentioned here with the exception of your neighbour is way out of line for their behaviour.

They do not respect your home/property, your privacy, your time and they especially do not respect you. You are, in no way at all, obligated to let them know of your plans, nor should you feel bad for taking measures to make yourself comfortable in your own home.. Tell them all to suck it up, you have every right to do as you please.. NTA

vibes86 − Your hours, your property, only your business. NTA.

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SocialMediaMisfit − NTA. It's your pool. You're not obligated to tell anyone or get anyone's approval before you do anything with it. And their opinions don't matter anyway, because again, it's your pool.

[Reddit User] − Hey bud, wouldn’t it just be easier to just grow a spine and tell them to find someplace else ? It’s your house and your privacy . They have no say whatsoever over your house. Now you have to put your hard earned cash into a project because you don’t have the balls to straight up tell them this isn’t a community pool.

madnick2 − NTA at all Your family’s the one being selfish and using you for your pool. The fact that they tried to guilt trip you for getting rid of the pool is very toxic. It’s your house, you decide what you want to do with it. Your siblings must be in their 20s and 30s too, they should be more responsible for their children instead of putting the burden on your shoulders.

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NotAStreamerBTW − NTA, it's your house

These hot takes from Reddit paint a picture of support for the homeowner, but do they reflect reality? Some argue she should’ve been upfront, while others cheer her for reclaiming her space. The debate’s as heated as a summer day by the pool!

This homeowner’s saga shows how a pool can become a battleground for boundaries. Her choice to prioritize peace over family expectations sparked a fiery debate, but it also highlights the importance of owning your space—literally and figuratively. Readers, what do you think? Was she wrong to keep her pool demolition a secret, or was her family out of line for treating her home like a public park? Share your thoughts—what would you do in her shoes?

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