AITA for being a “controlling gatekeeper” on a vacation home I did not originally purchase?

In a sun-soaked resort town, a freshly renovated vacation home gleams with new floors and crisp furniture—a labor of love for a newlywed couple. But when the wife, who poured her own money into the upgrades, says “no” to guests with a history of trashing the place, her brother-in-law’s temper flares, branding her a “controlling gatekeeper.”

The sting of his words hangs heavy, pulling readers into a drama of property, partnership, and family expectations. Is she guarding her investment or unfairly shutting out her husband’s kin?

‘AITA for being a “controlling gatekeeper” on a vacation home I did not originally purchase?’

I (31F) married my husband, Chris (35M) almost 3 years ago after dating for just under 2 years. We both have good jobs and when I met Chris, he already owned a home and a second home in a resort community. I also owned a home. When we moved in together we sold my home and used the money from the sale to do some work on both of his homes and at that time, we put both homes in both our names.

The issue is the vacation home. Before it was redone it was not the nicest place but he would let his friends and family use it whenever they wanted. He also allowed my friends and family to use it when we started dating (I nor they asked, he offered). Oftentimes, his family and few friends would leave the place in complete shambles.

He didn't seem too bothered by it and would just clean up/fix anything that was broken when we/he used it. I pointed out how disrespectful it was of these people to trash their family/friend's home and after some time, he spoke to the offending parties but nothing seemed to improve.

When we decided to combine finances and redo the two homes, I told my husband that I really did not want to sink a ton of money into a property that he allowed his family and friends to destroy. He understood my point of view since I would now have money invested in the property and respected that I would not be comfortable with certain guests using the property anymore.

After we got married, we got to work on our main home. We renovated the bathrooms, kitchen and bought all new furniture. We had a get-together (pre-C\*\*\*\*) at our newly renovated home and shared that we planned to start working on the second home soon.

A few guests made a couple of comments about not having too many fancy items as they could get broken. I stated that I was not too concerned about it. Fast forward to this past spring and the completion of the work (new bathrooms, kitchen, flooring, drywall in some rooms, and new furniture) and we got a few requests to use the home this summer.

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I have said no to 3 out of the 6 requests we have gotten. All the no's were Chris's F&F, 1 yes was his side and 2 were mine. His brother, Tyler(26M), is very angry as he was always allowed to use the home. I stated that I did not trust them in our 'new' home after all the damage that had been done before.

He says I am controlling and gatekeeping his brother's house that he had unrestricted access to in the past. I told him that it is now our house and the rules have changed. My MIL and FIL have offered to give us a 'security deposit' and I rejected their offer as $500 may not cover the amount of damage he could do.

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His family's perspective is we should not have done all this work so we wouldn't feel we had to limit access and I might be TA because we knew by doing the work we would not be granting access to certain people and failed to mention it until now. So AITA?

ETA: Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I will take a few of them into consideration as I appreciate the ideas. Also, a few people have commented that the damage that had been done is not 'enough damage' to warrant being banned. I am really curious to know what the line is and will also be sure to add you folks to my 'banned list.';). ​

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This vacation home saga is a masterclass in boundary-setting versus family friction. The woman, having invested her home’s sale proceeds into the property, wants to protect it from past damage—think broken furniture and trashed rooms. Her husband agrees, but his family’s outrage, especially his brother’s “gatekeeper” jab, reveals clashing expectations.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Clear boundaries in marriage strengthen trust, especially when managing external pressures”. The home, now marital property, reflects their joint vision. Studies show 65% of homeowners face disputes over shared property use, often due to unclear rules. The brother-in-law’s entitlement ignores their financial stake.

This taps a broader issue: navigating in-law dynamics post-marriage. A clear guest policy—perhaps requiring a damage deposit or signed agreement—could balance hospitality with accountability. The couple might hold a family meeting to explain the new rules calmly.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s posse rode in with fiery takes, tossing shade at entitled guests and cheering the couple’s stand. Here’s a peek at their reactions, proving property disputes make for juicy online debates.

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MandaMaelstrom - NTA. Why can’t these people control themselves and stay there *without* trashing the place? What do their own homes look like? The thought alarms me. At any rate, you sunk money into the home and you

and your husband made the choice together to put the property in both your names, so your friends and relatives need to get with the new program and accept it. They’re not entitled to the property, and their inability to be courteous guests is to blame for their revoked access.

prairiemountainzen - So, your mother-in-law is saying you should have refrained from making repairs and improvements to your house so your entitled brother-in-law could continue to destroy your property? Wow.. NTA, obviously.

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karskipellis - NTA, but from now on, Chris manages his family. Have a (hopefully small) list of people you won't allow, and it's on him to deal with it.

StAlvis - NTA **OBVIOUSLY**. But I'd *love* to hear more about exactly what kind of damage we're talking about.. Are they pissing on the floor? Burning firewood in the oven? How nuts does this get?

silfy_star - NTA. The AH are the freeloaders who destroy a peppery that they’re allowed to use free of charge. If they didn’t want to lose the ability to use it, then they should have heeded the warnings to be better guests. Sucks to suck, let them buy their own property to destroy then

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Critical_Aspect - NTA They actually told you they would trash the house. His brother and the others can whine all they want that you won't allow them to (ab)use your home and generosity.

Lumpy_Mix_2605 - NTA. It's really odd your husband isn't shutting this down and handling it though. He was the one allowed things to get to where they are inhe first place. This should be his responsibility. It isn't his place anymore when you've invested your money into it (aside from the fact it's obviously yours collectively because your married).

Twm117 - NTA. Your husband, who owned the home before your marriage, agreed to this new arrangement and he’s also benefiting by not having to continuously fix things. That being said, you might have talked to them about the property damage and your own concerns about them using it when you started the renovation. These folks are your family now…

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Individual_Ad_9213 - NTA. Being more selective on who gets to use the vacation home for free, no less was a condition that your husband agreed to when you sold your own house so that the two remaining houses could be renovated. It is now marital property and it is not up for (re)negotiation by people who had no equity in the place. I do hope that your husband is supporting you.

kleeinny - NTA what kind of people leave a house they're borrowing in shambles?

These Reddit roars are bold, but do they nail the issue, or just stir up more family dust?

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This story paints a vivid picture of love, investment, and standing firm. The woman’s rules for the vacation home aren’t about control—they’re about respect for a shared dream. Family ties don’t grant a free pass to wreck property. Have you ever had to set tough boundaries with loved ones over shared spaces? Share your experiences—what would you do to keep the peace without losing your sanctuary?

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