AITA for not holding my daughter so my husband could nap?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a bustling home, a 36-year-old professor juggles a demanding career and new fatherhood, while his stay-at-home husband shoulders the load of their 6-month-old daughter. One evening, with a critical Zoom meeting looming, he hands off their sleeping baby to his exhausted spouse, who’s desperate for a nap. A heated argument erupts, and now silence hangs heavy between them. Was his focus on work a necessary sacrifice, or a selfish dodge of duty?

This isn’t just about a meeting—it’s about partnership, priorities, and the unseen weight of parenting. As Reddit debates who’s at fault, this story of clashing needs will pull you in—read on to decide who’s in the wrong.

‘AITA for not holding my daughter so my husband could nap?’

I (36M) am a professor at a local university. I love my job, but the amount of classes I teach make it very demanding. We are decently wealthy due to stock investments, so my husband (also 36M) stays home with our daughter, who was born six months ago via surrogate.

My husband wanted to be a stay-at-home husband and father. He does the majority of the housework, and I admit I could definitely pitch in more when it comes to cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. When it comes to our daughter, however, I consider myself to be very attentive and when I'm home before her bedtime, I put her to bed, play with her, feed her, etc.

This evening I came home and informed my husband I had an important presentation I was doing to be able to get a research grant for work. He was frazzled when I came home, and seemed pretty exhausted, and our daughter was crying.

I held her for about ten minutes while he was able to shower and get changed, and she calmed down considerably in that time. However, when he came back downstairs and I tried to hand her off to attend my Zoom meeting, my husband wouldn't take her.

He said she was asleep with me quickly and he wanted to go and sleep too so he could catch up now that I was home and she had calmed down. I told him I had an important meeting in \~10 minutes, and I wouldn't be able to hold her during the meeting because I needed full mobility to present and type and I didn't want to wake her.

He exploded on me, saying I do nothing around the house and he's exhausted all the time. I told him we can talk about the distribution of labour later, but that right now I needed to go to my meeting and he couldn't sleep.

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I handed him back our daughter after a little more arguing, went to my meeting, and when I came out, now he won't speak to me.. AITA for refusing to hold my daughter until after the meeting?

Balancing a high-stakes career with parenting is a tightrope, and this professor’s choice to prioritize a Zoom meeting over his husband’s plea for rest highlights a communication breakdown. His husband’s exhaustion, typical of stay-at-home parents with infants, was compounded by a lack of advance notice about the meeting, leaving him feeling unsupported. While the professor’s grant presentation was critical, his dismissal of his husband’s needs—“we’ll talk later”—escalated the conflict. The suggestion to place the sleeping baby in a crib, as one Redditor noted, could have been a compromise, but the deeper issue is an uneven division of labor.

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This reflects a broader issue: 58% of couples with young children report conflicts over household responsibilities, per a 2024 Journal of Family Psychology study. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Proactive communication about schedules prevents resentment in partnerships”. The couple’s wealth offers solutions like hiring help, which could ease the strain.

Advice: The professor should apologize, saying, “I’m sorry for springing the meeting on you—let’s plan better.” Scheduling regular check-ins to align on workloads and hiring a part-time helper could prevent burnout. If tensions persist, couples counseling can help.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s dishing out takes sharper than a baby’s cry. Here’s what the community weighed in, with some spicy views on parenting and partnership:

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Secret_Werewolf1942 - YTA, your husband is going to burn out and you seem to think a 10 minute break for a shower is doing enough? It's 2022, not a single person in the world is going to blink about a baby in a Zoom meeting. Make time, quickly, or you will lose them both.

wdjm - NTA for this one night. Meetings happen.. HOWEVER... YTA for letting it get to the point where your husband was so frustrated that he 'exploded.' Do better with helping around the house. Or, if you're 'decently wealthy', consider hiring a maid or relief sitter to come in at least once a week.

BaconEggAndCheeseSPK - Info: why couldn’t you have put her down? In an bouncing chair or in her crib? She was sleeping ffs. Why did he have to hold her?

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JuniperLaCroix - YTA - I am also a working mother and my husband is a stay-at-home dad currently, and prior to that I was the stay-at-home mom. I am empathetic to you needing to complete your work outside the home to provide for your family.

You should have given him notice of this important presentation. You need to be more considerate of his schedule and time. Raising an infant is EXTREMELY exhausting. It's extremely unfair of you to give him ***10 minutes notice*** when he is expecting some relief from his duties..

He deserves an apology as well as a closer look at the distribution of household obligations. Edited: Since money doesn't seem to be a huge concern, please consider a parent helper (traditionally called a mother's helper).

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These individuals often provide childcare while not being a full-blown nanny (and while there is a parent in the home). It sounds like your husband is likely sleep-deprived and exhausted and paying someone to do some of the lighter household chores or sit with the baby while they nap can be a huge help.

oldnjgal - ESH. This is a baby, not a hot potato. If you’re both frazzled, and you are “decently wealthy”, hire a nanny and stop attacking each other.

American-Mary - YTA.. It sounds like there is a lot more going on that just this one presentation and Zoom meeting. He sounds pushed to the limits. Do you two communicate at all about your needs and scheduling before it reaches a breaking point?

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This evening I came home and informed my husband I had an important presentation I was doing to be able to get a research grant for work. He was frazzled when I came home, and seemed pretty exhausted, and our daughter was crying.

Seems to me that if your presentation was so important you should have given him the notice he needed to be ready to support him, instead of just passing off your daughter in the moment. You dismissed his needs here.

From his side, though, if he feels the division of labour is unbalanced he should bring that up before it's to the boiling point. I told him we can talk about the distribution of labour later, but that right now I needed to go to my meeting and he couldn't sleep.. If you want to keep your family together, you need to balance that as a priority alongside your career.

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giantsnails - Very few people on this subreddit have any familiarity with the work culture in academia, and as such they expect you to make huge changes to your career that are simply unviable. You aren’t a bad person for working long hours while having a child and a stay-at-home spouse.

Not to invalidate your husband, but there are single parents who raise a child by themselves all over the place. Do what you can; I know professors who leave work and have “family time” from 5-8pm and then do more writing

and responding to emails from 8-10pm. The maid suggestion is a good one also, but I’m sure your husband would feel more supported by you being available during awake hours first and foremost.

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[Reddit User] - INFO: Did you tell him about the meeting before that night? And did you choose the time?

emfred999 - YTA. I'm not going to get into the distribution of labor stuff, I think you're probably the AH there but I'm going to focus on your lack of empathy and understanding of life as a SAHM. I am a SAHM. My kids are older now but it wasn't that long ago when they were babies.

Mentally it's exhausting but you do it because you know that in 5 hours, 4 hours, 3 hours, your partner will come home to help and be an extra pair of hands. You make it through the tough days by counting those minutes and telling yourself 'if I can just survive until 6 pm then I'll be able to take a deep breath and reset'.

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Imagine you are working out and your training tells you 'You can do it! Just 10 more reps and you can stop and have a drink of water'. You give your all, push through the pain and then when you finish he says 'okay, now 25 more!'. He's an AH, he didn't set expectations and neither did you in the scenario.

It's really easy to give a heads up. My husband works late sometimes too and my job as a SAH partner is to pick up the slack because he provides a roof via his job. Knowing he's going to work late allows me to pace myself, conserve my energy so that I can more effectively parent through those longer hours. If he sprang s**t on me like this, I'd be pissed off.

General_Relative2838 - NAH. I understand you had a work meeting tonight. I was a SAHM for many years, so I understand how o**rwhelmed and downtrodden a person can become when all the household chores are foisted upon him. Taking care of children, especially a baby is exhausting. I can hear how tired your husband is in your post..

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Tonight is one night. Make it the night you change. You wrote that you are wealthy. Are you wealthy enough to hire help, and are you willing to do it considering the current health problems the world is facing? Can you get maid service? That, along with your helping with household chores more, may help your husband's mental state.

These Redditors are split on work versus family, but do their calls for balance miss the husband’s exhaustion, or are they fair?

This parenting clash leaves us wondering: when does work trump family needs? The professor’s focus on his meeting left his husband feeling abandoned, but was it a one-off necessity or a pattern of neglect? Should he have found a way to hold the baby? Share your thoughts—what would you do in this high-pressure hand-off? Let’s dive into this family fray and sort it out!

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