AITA for taking my father out of the nursing home behind his wife’s back?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine pulling up to your childhood home, heart racing, only to find the locks changed and your father’s voice trembling over the phone, revealing he’s been left in a nursing home. For one 34-year-old woman, let’s call her Sarah, this was no movie plot but a gut-wrenching reality. Her father, once a pillar of their family, was sidelined by his wife, Mary, whose silence spoke louder than any argument. Sarah’s decision to spring her dad from the facility has sparked a firestorm, with Mary crying “kidnapping.”

This tale of loyalty and betrayal unfolds like a stormy night, with Sarah and her siblings racing against time to protect their father. The Reddit community has weighed in, tossing out advice as sharp as a lawyer’s pen. Was Sarah right to act behind Mary’s back, or did she cross a line? Let’s dive into this family drama and uncover the truth.

‘AITA for taking my father out of the nursing home behind his wife’s back?’

I'm a 34F. I'm one of five children and the youngest. Our mother died when I was eight. Dad remarried years later to Mary. I was a teenager (14) and some of my siblings were on their way out the door to college. She came into the marriage with a lot to say and tried to dictate what we could and couldn't do.

That didn't go over too well with us. Especially when my oldest brother birthday rolled around. He was turning eighteen, had gotten into a nice college, and was looking forward to obtaining a car. Obviously she and my father had been talking about getting another vehicle, but the one she wanted was expensive and dad said no.

Learning my brother had bought a car (an inexpensive one), she blew up. My father had to explain to her that our mother left us an inheritance. She tried to flip it on him as if he'd been hiding money. Not the case. He told her our inheritance didn't concern her. But he did explain when my mother passed she left him the executor of our inheritance.

She tried to get my father to 'steal' part of our inheritance and use the money to buy her the car she wanted. My father told her he would never try to get over on his kids. We really didn't like her after that. Nonetheless my father loved her, so we had to accept it.

All my sibling and I live out of state but I live the closest to dad, so I get to see him more often. When we're not able to visit we facetime daily. Out of nowhere communication ceases. For days my siblings and I are calling with no response. Until eventually my sister flies out to make the drive with me.

We pull up to the house and what do you know Mary's car is in the driveway (mind you we called her the entire drive there with no answer). We walk into the house calling for our dad. She tells us to stop hollering in her house! (parents house) We ask her where is our father. Nonchalantly she replies he had a stroke and was in the hospital.

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We were livid and hysterical because she hadn't thought to call us! Said he was doing fine so there was no need. As a result of his stroke he had limited mobility, some mental effects, and speech. With rehab he got better. We lost all respect for her after that.

Over a year ago ago my father had a fall, (trying to clean the gutters) and broke his leg along with a dislocated shoulder. We visited, but it was after visiting that problems arose. We noticed that when we called that he didn't have the 'energy' to face time, but would talk to us through text and over the phone briefly.

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I got a job opportunity which required me to move back home. I wanted it to be a surprise since I just closed on a home. I get to my dad's and the locks are changed. So I call my father. Lo and behold he tells me he's in the NURSING HOME still and

hadn't seen Mary nor was she answering for him! (he was there for rehab but was supposed to be discharged a couple months ago) I drove right over and got him and brought him home! Now she's claiming she's going to file charges against me for kidnapping!

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Sarah’s bold move to retrieve her father from the nursing home shines a spotlight on a murky family dynamic. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a family counselor, has stated, “Neglect of a vulnerable family member, especially an elderly parent, is a betrayal of trust that demands action” . Sarah’s discovery of her father’s extended nursing home stay, without family notification, reeks of neglect, possibly elder abuse.

Mary’s failure to inform the family about his children of his stroke and her nonchalance about his condition suggests a prioritization of her own interests over his well-being. This situation reflects a broader issue: elder abuse, often underreported, affects an estimated 10% of older adults annually, according to the National Center on Elder Abuse . Mary’s actions—leaving Sarah’s father in the nursing home, changing locks, and potentially mishandling finances—raise red flags about her intentions, possibly pointing to financial exploitation.

Sarah’s father’s limited mobility and cognitive challenges post-stroke made him vulnerable, yet Mary’s decision to keep him in the facility beyond his rehab period suggests control rather than care. Her history of demanding access to the family’s inheritance further paints a picture of self-interest. Sarah’s response was driven by loyalty, but acting without consulting Mary could complicate legal matters, especially if Mary holds power of attorney. Consulting a lawyer, as Sarah did, was wise to navigate potential legal risks.

Dr. Schlessinger emphasizes, “Family members must advocate for vulnerable loved ones, even if it means tough choices.” Sarah’s actions align with this, prioritizing her father’s dignity over Mary’s objections. To move forward, Sarah and her siblings should secure legal counsel to protect their father’s assets and health decisions, ensuring his wishes are respected. Engaging a social worker to assess his current needs can also clarify his care requirements, keeping the focus on his well-being rather than family drama.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit squad rolled up with pitchforks and legal pads, ready to back Sarah’s mission. Here’s the raw scoop from the community, served with a side of righteous indignation:

BeccaB001980 − NTA- you need to get your father an attorney ASAP! His assets need to be protected whether he likes the idea of using an attorney or not. He needs to tell you and the attorney where all of the money is, along with any joint accounts. Talk to your siblings and most importantly talk to the police. This has the ring of elder abuse to it.

Dependent_Lie_5687 − Info: Does she have power of attorney over him? Does he still have any cognitive deficits from the stroke? Are you able to get information from the nursing staff or the social worker at the facility to know about his status?. I'm a social worker at a nursing home and these are things that pop into mind immediately.

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If you want to take him permanently out of the nursing home, it'd be helpful to know what's going on with his health and to consult with a lawyer. If she does have power of attorney over him -- meaning that it's activated, i.e.

he can no longer make choices for himself and physician(s) have stated that's the case -- you could be in trouble for taking him out. I'd highly recommend consulting with a lawyer if you want to take an active role in your father's care.

Izzy4162305 − NTA, and based on the information in your comments here, the nursing home needs to be reported because at least one person there was covering for her underhanded antics.

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louisianefille − NTA. If I were you, I'd do some digging and make sure Mary hasn't been forging your dad's signature and stealing from the money your mother left you. Because it sounds like she had no intention of bringing him home. I assume the house is in your dad's name? Verify she hasn't added herself to the deed or removed your dad entirely. She's up to something.

[Reddit User] − NTA, retain council for your father immediately and shut that s**t down. Have a talk with your dad and maybe see if you can convince him to sell **his** house and move in with you if you feel comfortable with that arrangement. This situation is really concerning and it would not surprise me if she did something terrible to gain control of his property and other assets.

Paevatar − NTA All the people here suggesting that you get a lawyer are 100% right. This woman is up to no good. Something similar happened to me many years ago, but I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight it. Evil stepmother didn't tell us about Dad's stroke, which left him partly paralyzed and unable to speak. After he was released she whisked him off to Florida without telling us.

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A family friend there called and told me my father was in a hospital after another stroke, and the evil one was haunting his room with her lawyer and two sons-in-law for witnesses. The nurses told me she badgered him for days about signing over the deeds to the house in NJ and the condo in Florida to her, and making a new will.

The old will left everything he had to me and my brother. He gave in, because she promised to bring him home to the condo to die. He was at the condo for one day, then she dumped him in a nursing home and abandoned him. He called me just before he passed away, he could barely speak but said he was sorry.

Next day one of her daughters called me to tell me my dad died but don't expect a penny because my brother and I were such rotten kids, and her mom who took good care of him was getting everything - which wasn't much - the evil one had far more money than Dad, but she was a greedy narcissistic b-word.

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I was never informed about what was done with his remains - but the family friend did some digging and told me the evil one had him cremated and the ashes tossed in the ocean or something.. I hope your situation turns out much better than mine did. Best of luck to you.

[Reddit User] − I don’t know whether to scream or cry. So much has transpired within the last day. I’m here once again blowing off steam. This morning, we received a call from the director of the nursing facility asking to meet with us after we retrieve the rest of my father’s belongings. They’re trying to cover their asses now.

Our lawyer advised not having any contact with them, but my brother wanted to have the meeting so he asked the lawyer could he record our meeting which the lawyer stated, just make sure the director is okay with being recorded. In the midst of all of this my aunt (daddy’s sister) calls and tells us don’t forget the plant when we go and retrieve my father’s things. I’m agitated because she’s worried about a plant.

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Anyhow we get there. (My brother, oldest sister, and I) My brother asks if it’s okay to record. She said no. I have my phone in my pocket that’s recording everything regardless, though I’m aware whatever I record is illegal, (at this point its gloves off ) She instantly apologizes for the '**conduct**' of her employees and that the facility ‘**dropped the ball**’ on my father’s case. She informs us that ‘**they**’ have been **terminated** after a review.

BS, so they’ve conducted a review that fast? I don’t buy it. Is that even possible? We asked who was ‘**they**’? She says she can’t release the name of those involved but just that they were employees and have been ‘**reported**’. My brother calls her on her b**lshit. Asks to see the paperwork of such? She can’t produce it.

(Our lawyer states if these people have been reported then it should be on file, and he can request the documents) My brother asked why wasn’t he called when our father was here past his recommended stay? How do you take the word of his wife over his POA? Why weren’t any of us called? We’re all on his emergency contact list, besides Mary.

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He states he refuses to believe they ‘dropped the ball’ and a few more choice words. The conversation was going left so we ended it with pulling him out. (Like all of us, he’s having a hard time dealing with this, especially being the eldest, he feels he’s responsible for all of us.)

My aunt calls me talking about this damn plant once again and I was on the verge of losing my mind. Anyhow I told her we had the plant. (They had placed his things in a bag). She kept asking was it intact. I told her its plastic, but it looks fine. She said it’s a camera. Holy S**t! Of course, we race home and it took us nearly forever how to work it.

My father was telling the truth. It made me emotional watching him sitting in his room upset, his feelings and his words disregarded as if he was NOTHING. We’ve handed over the footage to the attorney. The question comes into play about the footage being legal. Our lawyer said something about the nursing home having to be released by liability of violation to my father’s privacy.

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Here you have to get permission to install cameras in the patient’s room. My aunt did not. I’m beyond frustrated at this point. I've been reading about elder abuse and how these nursing facilities and their employees are never held accountable. We just want answers and justice. That's all.

There is one thing good, that has come out of this today. We have taken back possession of dad’s house, which was a headache in itself. We start talking about dad’s house. We’re thinking of several scenarios of how to take it back. My siblings and I refused to sit by. While Mary may have changed the front and both side door locks.

We didn't think she changed the kitchen door lock, simply because my grandmother’s Curio has been in front of that door for years. Dad overheard us talking and wanted to tag along which we thought would be a bad idea. He wouldn’t hear of it. We get there, but Mary’s not home. I had to be hoisted over the backyard fence since the gate was locked.

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I opened the gate for my siblings. Dad had to be front and center so he sat on the patio chair while we got to work. Our key works like we expected, but to get in we’re going to have to push the antique wooden curio over which will likely break, but desperate times come for desperate measures.

My brothers literally had to take turns ramming their shoulders into the door, to make it flip over, which yes caused a mess from and we destroyed the kitchen table in the process. Off back we noticed all family pictures had been removed from the wall. Literally all.There were pictures of her family hanging up instead.

We eventually found our family pictures in the basement. My father’s truck is missing from the garage. We find out Mary is writing bad checks to their joint account, which has been completely depleted and in the negative. The account is now closed. We’ve learned in these last months she’s been to Vegas twice. Gambled away thousands.

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Then took a cruise to Cozumel. She’s been to California. All first-class flights to and from and she had a 'buddy'. She has tried to ‘**change**’ my father’s will. We learned she’d opened credit cards in my dad’s name and they are on the verge of being maxed. We had them closed, after disputing the charges.

My father’s jewelry is missing. His safe in the closet that holds my mother’s valuables along with other important documents has been tampered with but not open. We called the police to make a report. What do you know Mary shows up, hollering and screaming about me kidnapping my father.

Told the cops we broke into ‘**her house.**’ **That she feared for her life! That she didn’t feel safe living here if we were going to be here!** The police made it clear since they’re married, they can’t just kick her out, but if there is conflict in the home which she stated herself, then one of them needed to leave the residence until things cooled down. My father stated he wasn’t going anywhere. This was his home.

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I was able to produce the deed to show that she isn’t the owner. Cops threatened her with arrest once I brought up that my father was in the process of filing for a divorce. **(She cursed us all. Said we were the reason their marriage was crumbling.)** The cops asked was it possible for my father to come stay with me since she claimed she had nowhere to go.

My father told them no. That he’d been abandoned at a nursing home for two months and he wasn’t going anywhere. The moment we mentioned things missing from the house, all of a suddenly she had somewhere she could go and stay the night. They asked her about the jewelry, but she made it seem as if she had no idea what we were talking about,

which left the officers hands tied. She packed as much as she could since the officer only gave her thirty minutes . The entire time she’s hollering and crying at my father **talking about she can’t believe he’ll let us do this to them! How much she loved him!

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Everything she'd done for him! That he wouldn't be blessed for treating her this way!** The officer continued to tell her to be quiet and don’t engage with us. Once she left. We changed the locks. Tomorrow we’re upgrading the cameras.

TheLoudCanadianGirl − Info: Who is his substitute decision maker/power of attorney? In other words who is legally allowed to make medical decisions for him if he becomes incapable?

Amythist35 − NTA she abandoned him. That's terrible, get a lawyer and protect your father also look into if their is an elder advocate in your area.

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z09_ − NTA your dad's wife has some very alarming issues here.

These Redditors didn’t mince words, calling out Mary’s shady moves and cheering Sarah’s rescue operation. Some urged legal action, while others shared chilling tales of similar betrayals. But do their fiery takes capture the whole story, or are they just fanning the flames?

Sarah’s story is a rollercoaster of loyalty, betrayal, and a daughter’s fierce love for her father. Taking him out of the nursing home was a gut-driven move, but it’s kicked up a storm with Mary’s threats of legal action. With evidence of financial misconduct and neglect piling up, Sarah’s fight is far from over. What would you do if you found your loved one abandoned in a similar situation? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this family saga together!

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