AITA for refusing to go to my sisters birthday because she’s choosing her biological family over us?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The air was thick with tension in the cozy family home, where birthday traditions once brought laughter and warmth. Elise, the spirited 14-year-old adopted as a baby, had always been the heart of her adoptive family’s celebrations. But this year, her decision to spend her birthday with her newly reconnected biological family sent ripples of hurt through her brother and parents. The sting of perceived betrayal lingered, as her choice challenged the bonds of their tight-knit clan.

Why would Elise, so loved by her adoptive family, turn to those who once let her go? Her brother’s refusal to attend her birthday party sparked a heated clash, revealing raw emotions and unspoken fears. Readers can’t help but wonder: is this a story of loyalty tested or a young girl exploring her roots? The drama unfolds with heartache and hope, pulling us into a tale of family, identity, and tough choices.

‘AITA for refusing to go to my sisters birthday because she’s choosing her biological family over us?’

I have a 14 year old younger sister named Elise. Our parents adopted her as a baby. From what Elise has told me, her biological parents gave her up because they didn't want more children but didn't want to abort her. She didn't find that out until later, our parents told her that her original parents couldn't keep her, but love her.

We've always gotten along. I was still a baby when she was born and adopted and honestly Eli has always been my favourite sibling, I never cared that she was adopted. All of us love her, she's always been treated as family and accepted as far as I can remember.

Mum and dad clearly love her as much the rest of us. However, at the start of this year, her biological mother reached out to her. Elise was happy about it and got close to them. She has her mum, dad and two older siblings. On its own I guess thats good, though I'm still worried they'll abandon her again.

Elise visits them so much and even wants to try living there next year. Mum and Dad are really hurt, but they told her that if they continue to treat her well in the meantime they'll let her choose, but want her to stay. Elise is choosing the people who abandoned her over her family.

Mum and Dad are pretending its fine, but I can see how much it hurts them. Our sisters and I feel that she's making a mistake, and shouldn't choose blood over her family. Next week is Elise's birthday. We've always had traditions for how we spend them.

But now she's decided to spend the day at her biological family's house. I didn't like it but tried to stay silent, but then she said she wanted to have her special birthday dinner there. I told her that if she does I'm not going. She got upset but I reminded her that we have a family tradition. She asked me who would give her the big brother speech if I don't go and I got annoyed.

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I told Eli she's always telling me how much cooler and smarter and tougher her 'real' brother is, so just ask him. She left and went to Mum and Dad crying afterwards. I know it's bad it made her cry, but she's constantly choosing them over us, so why should I just be happy about this.

Still, Mum and Dad were upset with me and told me that it was a horrible thing to say and I should apologise. My older sister defended me saying how Elise was clearly choosing them anyway. We argued a bit, before Dad sent us to our rooms. I'm grounded for treating Elise that way, but it's fine for her to act like her real family means less than having the same blood.

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It's not fair. I've always been there for her, we were so close. I was the first one she went to for help, I was always there to play or cheer her up or protect her. But she wants to leave us all for them. She just wants them, so I'm letting her have them. If she's going to choose them I shouldn't be in trouble for staying out.

Edit: Thanks for all the advice. Even if I'm not a complete a**hole, I can see I still should have gone about it differently. Mum came and talked to me later last night as well, and helped me clear my head. I talked to Eli this morning, like 20 minutes ago.

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I apologized and tried to just say how I felt. Eli didn't realise and apologised too. She said she didn't mean anything that way. The stuff with her brother, she didn't mean he was better or anything and had just been telling me how she felt because she liked to tell me things.

She didn't think it would hurt us so much, and didn't think she was choosing anyone. Elise told me she'd change her plans then to make it right, but I told her not to. I repeated that I was immature, and I love her. It's her birthday, so it should be what she wants.

It wasn't a fun conversation but I made it clear I'll always be there for her, and love her, and she did the same. She assured me that she didn't think she'd ever choose anyone over me. I still don't like the situation at all. It still hurts so much, but I want to be there for her.

Elise’s choice to connect with her biological family is a delicate dance of identity and belonging. At 14, she’s navigating a whirlwind of emotions, caught between two families. Her adoptive brother’s hurt reflects a fear of losing her, while Elise seeks to understand her origins. Both perspectives are valid, yet they clash painfully. The adoptive family feels sidelined, but Elise’s curiosity about her roots is natural, especially at her age.

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This situation mirrors broader issues in adoption dynamics. According to a 2020 study by the Child Welfare Information Gateway, 40% of adopted children seek contact with their biological families by adolescence, often to resolve identity questions (childwelfare.gov). This can strain adoptive family bonds if not handled with open communication.

Dr. David Brodzinsky, a psychologist specializing in adoption, notes, “Adoptees often face a dual loyalty conflict, wanting to honor both their adoptive and biological families”. In Elise’s case, her enthusiasm for her bio family doesn’t negate her love for her adoptive one—she’s simply exploring a new part of herself. Her brother’s reaction, though harsh, stems from fear of rejection, a common response in such scenarios.

To move forward, the family could benefit from open dialogue, perhaps through family counseling. This would allow Elise to explore her identity while reassuring her adoptive family of her love. Setting boundaries with the biological family, treating them as extended relatives, could also ease tensions. Patience and empathy are key to balancing everyone’s feelings without forcing Elise to choose sides.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit community chimed in with a mix of empathy and spice, offering candid takes on this family saga. Here are the top comments:

[Reddit User] − NAH You're not wrong for your feelings and your sister is not wrong for her feelings. This is a.. extremely complex issue. Your parents understand that if they force your sister to choose then it could create lasting emotional damage. Imagine you had a dog and one day it disappeared.

Eventually, you got a new dog. And you really get attached to the new dog. Then suddenly, your old dog reappears.. Do you stop loving the new dog? No. Do you stop loving the old dog? No.. Your parents really need to consider family counseling to help everyone process this situation.

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majesticjewnicorn − NTA. Whilst you could've communicated in a better fashion, you are entitled to feel the way you do. You're scared that you're going to lose your baby sister, and that she's not doing anything to reassure you that your place in her life is still as important as always.

Your parents should be finding ways to respect her want to know her biological family, whilst maintaining the closeness you've always had. Grounding you for being upset, is not the right way to go. I would, however, advise against fighting with your sister because she will end up resenting you and pushing you away.

It might be an idea to speak with your parents and find a way to build a good relationship with her bio family, get to know them and just build one big super family all together, to ensure that everyone can be there for your sister, and she can then be there for you all when she's mentally mature enough to do so (14 is still a young age).

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[Reddit User] − NTA. This is a hard 'you're not wrong, but you're not quite right' situation. Your feelings are valid, okay? It is fine to feel the pain and hurt and fear of loss you are feeling. That is normal. It is really sweet, that you love your sister so much you are preoccupied with her welfare and the risks she puts herself into, that is part of what being a good brother is about.

The other part, however, is giving your sister room to make mistakes on her own, and allowing her to make choices that matter to her, even if they don't seem that fair to you. This is the very hard part of being a brother (or sibling in general), it is letting your sibling 'do them' without curbing their freedom, even if you know that freedom is self-destructive.

In this situation what you need to do is let them know you are there, and how to find you, if they need you, and to tell them you will always be there for them. She's trying to explore something new and confusing her, and I think what would probably help her out a lot is knowing that her brother she loves very much is still looking out for her and there if she needs him, and isn't making her feel bad for her choices.

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Maybe it will work out maybe it won't but be impassive here. Don't wish for disaster because that will hurt her. The best outcome of this situation is that she gets two families she loves and who love her. That is fantastic right? It doesn't have to be 'us or them' unless you let it be that way.

Work with the bio fam, not against them. She is probably seemingly focused on them, because they are new, interesting and different. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you less. When I first met my wife, I hung out with her a lot and my brother less. It doesn't mean I loved my brother any less.

It's just how people are with this sort of thing. Eventually balance will be found. Keep being a good brother and don't let your fear ruin this for you or her, she sounds very lucky to have had to in her life, so make sure you let her know you want to keep being part of it.

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slendermanismydad − If your sister chooses to go live with her bio family, there's going to be consequences, she just doesn't understand that right now and thinks she can have everything she wants. This isn't like splitting custody when someone divorces and as noted a 1000 times on here, that doesn't always go well. You have every right to be angry about this and to feel rejected.

Her feeling abandoned by her bio family doesn't give her the right to pass that feeling to you. I feel like your parents should not be entertaining this (for the potential legal issues alone) but since they are, they don't get to assign your feelings or dictate that you're not comfortable with this. Your sister's feelings are not more important or more valid than yours.

needamemorablename − *she's always telling me how much cooler and smarter and tougher her 'real' brother is*. ​. That was the line at which it went from NAH to NTA.

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[Reddit User] − And this is why I'll never adopt. Imagine raising a child, loving that child, only to have them abandon you for the people that didn't want them. Heartbreaking.

oldhousesandplants − NTA. I think the biological family is the a**hole here. I think the biological family is wrong her for letting this child entertain the idea of moving in with them. They are NOT her parents. They are NOT her legal guardians. They gave up this child and she was raised her entire life by OPs family.

It is not their place nor their role to compete with her nuclear family. I feel that it is wonderful for them to be involved in her life but they needed to be treated as extended family and value the role of the child's existing nuclear family.

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Forever_Grumpy − NTA. Sorry for wrong English, not my first language. See she is 14, too young and as all the commentors said just trying figure out this situation as best as she could. She is not wrong for wanting to know them and connect with them. But that being said you are also not wrong. You are entitled to feel what you are feeling..

This situation is too complex with so many people involved and affected, but she is in center of it. Just try to give her space, support her when you can the same way you have always done till now. Let her be with bio family with you and your family's support and if there comes a time she choose her bio-family over yours then you can do what you feel is right, be in her life or cut her off.

By doing this at least in the future you will not regret pushing her away and ultimately loosing her because of your actions. Rather, it will be her choice and you will be in peace with your actions today and not regret them in future.

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fizzbangwhiz − NAH. Elise is only 14 and she has only recently been in contact with her bio family — these are big, complex, weird issues and feelings to navigate and there is no one perfect way to handle it. It’s completely understandable that you’re having some confusing feelings as well. You’re not wrong or bad for having the feelings you’re having.

But it was pretty rude to say what you said to your sister. Try to extend her a little more grace without piling on more guilt. There is no single choice that will make everyone happy and she’s doing the best she can. It might be helpful if the whole family can talk with a counselor who can help you navigate your feelings and help you discuss them with each other in more productive ways.

Pale_Pumpkin_7073 − NAH. Your sister wants to know the family where she came from, that's human nature. She may not be as compassionate as she could be but she's 14. Teenagers are inherently selfish. You are not wrong for feeling abandoned. Have you sat your sister down and spoken to her about how her actions are making you feel?

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These opinions light up the thread with passion, but do they capture the full complexity of Elise’s choice? Maybe the truth lies somewhere in the messy middle.

Elise’s story reminds us that family ties are as intricate as they are heartfelt. Her brother’s hurt and her exploration of her roots reveal the challenges of balancing love and identity. With counseling and communication, this family might find harmony. What would you do if faced with a similar divide? Share your thoughts—have you ever navigated torn loyalties or felt caught between two worlds?

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