AITA for telling my ex I refuse to share custody of our daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet suburban home, a mother clutches her phone, her heart racing as her ex’s voice crackles through with a demand that shakes her world: he wants joint custody of their 7-year-old daughter. The girl, blissfully unaware, plays with her dolls in the next room, her life built on the steady love of a single mom. This isn’t just a legal tug-of-war—it’s a clash of past promises, personal scars, and a mother’s fierce instinct to shield her child from instability.

The stakes feel sky-high. For this mom, the ghosts of her own childhood—marked by a father’s fleeting presence—loom large, fueling her resolve to keep her daughter’s life steady. Readers can’t help but wonder: is she protecting her child or letting old wounds cloud her judgment? This Reddit saga pulls us into a raw, emotional standoff that’s as relatable as it is heart-wrenching.

‘AITA for telling my ex I refuse to share custody of our daughter?’

My ex an I have an incredibly long history. We met when I was 18 and he was 19. He was my first love and we dated about a year. But after the break up we continued an off and on again friends with benefits relationship until I turned 23. Which was also the same time I found out I was pregnant...

He was going to school to be a doctor and he was in his second year of getting his doctorates when I found out. He also was studying in another state that was on the other side of the country. I got pregnant during one of his visits back home.

When I found out I was pregnant I told him immediately. He was very very angry and asked what I was going to do about it. I told him I’d be keeping it and he told me he wanted no part in the child’s life because it was going to ruin everything for him. I told him that wasn’t an option.

I myself grew up with my birth father jumping in and out of the picture and it’s a big stem of my mental illnesses now. All things he knew. After begging him to be in the baby’s life throughout almost my entire pregnancy one day he and his parents called me and offered me a deal.

They offered to pay me a very hefty child support until the day the child turned 18 if I never forced him to be a real father. His parents (who are very wealthy) promised to take care of everything. At first I said no. I refused and called them all assholes and told them my baby was gonna have a dad... but after talking to many of my friends and family they thought it best I take the offer.

They told me there was no use in forcing him to be a s**tty dad to my baby. I finally agreed about 8 months into my pregnancy. I took sole custody of course. It’s been 7 years and I had a beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything on earth. Every single month I get a check and not once has it ever been late.

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I haven’t seen or talked to my ex since the day he handed me the first check. Until about a week ago. I get a call and it’s my ex. He tells me he wants to take joint custody of our daughter. The daughter he has never met in his or her life ever! I was infuriated and told him no.

He told me that I can’t just say no because he’s gonna take me to court where a judge will decide. I was crying and screaming and asking why he was doing this. He told me he was sorry but he’s ready to be a father and he wants to be there for our daughter.

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When I told him I was going to fight him with every fiber of my being to make sure he got nothing he told me I was being ridiculous and I need to grow up. I’ve told my family and friends and almost all of them have told me I need to give him a chance and that I’m just being a b**ch.

The only person that agrees with me is my mother who watched me get torn apart by my fathers constant jumping in and out of my life when I was a child. I know that this is going to be a hard fight and ultimately it is the courts decision but I just feel like I need to fight this. AITA for being so against him getting any custody?

Edit: for all the people that are confused about age. We met in late teens. Got pregnant when I was 23 and he was 24. I’m 30 now and he’s 31.

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Edit2: for all the people that are saying I’m TA for not getting an a**rtion. Thanks! BUT I remember asking if I was an ass for telling my ex I’ll fight him over custody. Please stop telling me I should have aborted my 7 year old daughter. It’s very much too late and I never asked for your opinion on that matter.

This custody clash is a gut-punch, stirring up questions about parenthood and second chances. The mother’s fierce resistance stems from her own childhood pain—a father’s inconsistent presence left deep scars. Her ex, once adamant about avoiding fatherhood, now claims readiness, but his timing feels like a bombshell dropped on a carefully built life.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Children thrive on consistency and trust, which are built through predictable, loving interactions” (source: Gottman Institute). Here, the mother’s fear that her ex’s sudden involvement could disrupt her daughter’s stability is valid. Research shows that inconsistent parenting can harm a child’s sense of security, with studies from the American Psychological Association indicating that stable single-parent homes often outperform unstable two-parent ones in fostering emotional health.

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Yet, the ex’s desire to connect raises a broader issue: can people change, and do they deserve a chance to try? The mother’s trauma fuels her protectiveness, but denying any contact risks alienating her daughter later, especially in an era of social media where secrets rarely stay buried. A balanced approach might involve supervised visits, easing the child into this new dynamic without upheaval.

For solutions, experts suggest gradual integration. A family therapist could mediate, ensuring the daughter’s needs come first. Legal advice is crucial—courts often favor parents who’ve shown consistent support, even if only financial. The mother should document her stable caregiving and seek a lawyer to navigate this fight, prioritizing her daughter’s emotional well-being over personal grudges.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s weighing in with some spicy takes—grab your popcorn for these candid, colorful opinions!

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WebbieVanderquack − NTA. I'm not a lawyer, but I doubt he has much chance of getting custody when he's never even met his 7-year-old. I do find it strange that you insisted for 8 months that 'your baby was gonna have a dad,' even though he clearly didn't want the child, and that you were willing to take money from his parents instead of asking for child support from the father.

vengenzdoll − NTA. But, it doesn’t really matter what we think here. You need a lawyer yesterday. You can refuse to share custody, he can fight you. You might win, you might lose.

BringMeThanos314 − NTA but as someone who works in child welfare and mental health, I see a lot of family transitions that involve no contact orders and the like. I can assure you that the day will come when your daughter has questions about her biological father,

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and it will be very, profoundly hurtful for her to hear that he wanted to be in her life and was denied the chance. Moreover, it's 2019, how long do you think you can keep her from looking for his side of the story herself, via social media or other technology?

Another five years, maybe? Even if you miraculously police her and keep them apart until she turns 18, there's nothing you can do to stop them from connecting at that point. So the question is this: when they ultimately connect, do you want to be involved, or do you want it to be something your daughter feels she needs to hide from you?.

EDIT: Typo EDIT 2: Instead of the requisite 'THANKS FOR GOLD AND SILVER' (though, aw, shucks y'all), I want to truly thank all those who shared below their personal experiences with absent caregivers. My experience is professional, not personal, and deserves to be taken with all the grains of salt.

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It's just what I've observed and garnered from available research. I also hope I was clear that I'm only talking about opening the door to contact *on* *Mom's* *terms*, rather than immediately starting with joint custody (hence, NTA). Hope OP and others find this helpful.

SirenaDeep − I don’t think he should just automatically get joint custody but I do think he should be allowed the chance to have a relationship with his child, and if you’re blocking that then yes, YTA

queenettt − ESH. I’m sorry you had a terrible father. Your kid still deserves to know her dad especially if he wants to try. He’s just as much of an a**hole as you are being rn tho.

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le_fez − ESH I feel bad for your daughter

FreeRank − YTA. He wasn't ready to be a father when he was 19 and now that he's matured as an adult he is ready. Like it or not, it's his daughter too. He's in a different place than he was 7 years ago and he wants to help raise his daughter. Do you believe this is what's best for her?.

Imagine the conversation you'll have with your daughter years from now when she's a teenager or adult:. Daughter: 'Why didn't my dad ever want to see me?' Mother: 'When he was 19 he wasn't ready to be a father and raise you but he always made sure to pay for you and financially support us.

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'. Daughter: 'Do you think he ever thinks of me?' Mother: 'Yeah. Matter of fact, when you were 7 years old he wanted to be a part of your life and help raise his daughter but I told him to f**k off'. Daughter: 'Why?'

[Reddit User] − ESH. He is still her father and he's been paying support regularly. He will probably get some custody. You should find a way to make this as easy on your daughter as possible.

LLLLLdLLL − NTA, if only that it will be very confusing for your daughter to all of a sudden have to bond with a man she does not know. There is this huge emphasis on kids having 'two parents' and when it is a loving family unit that is true, but studies show that it is actually better for a child to have one stable parent and nothing else, instead of one stable parent and one that is drifting in and out of their lives.

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That last situation really screws with attachment and feelings of self-worth. People who call you a b**ch probably had a good childhood themselves and won't understand. Don't blame them, but also do not attach too much value to their opinion. It is just a different opinion based on different life experiences.

Nothing wrong with that, but your own opinion is more valuable and relevant then theirs. Having said that, you might not be able to stop your ex. I won't speak of the legalities (has he officially acknowledged her, was anything ever settled in court, etc) because I don't know your laws.

But, please start thinking of a plan for what to do. This may include a lawyer, but more importantly: what is best for your daughter. How are you going to introduce this new concept to her? He seems like someone who does not see her as a person, but as an object that HE is finally ready for.

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Try to make him understand that it does not work that way. No matter how it legally plays out, he needs to understand that she is her own little person and that her needs come first. Just dropping her off at a strangers house will NOT be in her best interest.

So if you are forced to change the custody arrangement, make all the new rules reflect that. Gradually (perhaps shared visits where you are present the first year) and without forcing her into a new situation that could harm her emotional development. Good luck!

Total_Trash_Baby − YTA if you refuse ANY contact. I’m not saying he should be allowed any custody but you’ll be a s**tty parent if you don’t allow him to have visitation and get to know his kid regardless of if he was ready to be a father 7 years ago. As a kid who went through this I would of have given hell to know my mother, not just my father.

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These Redditors aren’t holding back, but do their hot takes mirror real-world wisdom, or are they just keyboard warriors venting in the void?

This mother’s battle is a raw reminder of how past pain shapes present choices. Her fight to protect her daughter is fierce, but the ex’s sudden change of heart complicates the picture. Should she risk her daughter’s stability for a father who’s been absent for seven years? What would you do if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts—have you faced a similar dilemma, or do you think second chances are worth the gamble?

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