AITA for Yelling at my girlfriend that I am a person not a comfort blanket?

The weight of grief hung heavy in her heart, a double blow from losing two sisters in a year. For three years, she’d been her girlfriend’s rock, guiding her through anxiety’s maze with endless patience. But when the fog of loss thickened, her energy waned, and her girlfriend’s reliance—on everything from driving to fixing utilities—felt like a leash. A plan to build confidence through daily drives pushed her to the edge, and a heated outburst echoed: “I’m not a comfort blanket!”

Now, silence lingers where words once flowed, and tears mark the fallout. Was her yell a justified cry for space or a harsh snap at a struggling partner? This raw tale dives into the messy clash of grief, anxiety, and the limits of love.

‘AITA for Yelling at my girlfriend that I am a person not a comfort blanket?’

Balancing her own heartbreak with her girlfriend’s anxiety was a tightrope walk that finally snapped. Here’s her story, straight from Reddit:

My (f26) and my girlfriend (23) have been together 3 years. My gf struggles with a lot of anxiety over different things. For the last 3 years I've done my best to be there for her and help her navigate things. She is the type of person that will shut down rather than face something Head on.

For example I was once out when out electric ran out, she rang me panicking and I told her how to fix it, she didn't understand so just mentally shut down and refused to learn for if it ever happened again. My gf knows how to drive, she has her licence and a car, but she will refuse to drive if she doesn't feel comfortable.

The only way to make her comfortable is if the place we are going is a place she knows really well, if she has either driver the route before or has spent hours on Google maps, and I have to be next to her, she will not drive alone.

Last January my sister died, I was obviously heart broken, my gf tried her best to be their for me but I much admit I found myself feeling annoyed as I simply wanted to be left alone to process my feelings. Last month my other sister died.

I was left feeling broken and even now cry eveytime I think about it. I feel like I didn't really get chance to process the first sister dying so that made it even harder this time. I decided I needed time to process, so I stopped spending so much time and energy on helping my gf do basic tasks.

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This has caused issues between us, she feel like I don't consider her a priority anymore, I feel completely burnt out. This morning she told me her and her therapist have made a plan that will help her be more independent, I was happy to heard this until she explained it involves me getting in her car everyday while she drives around to build confidence, I told her I wasn't doing that.

I explained I didn't want to be dragged around in the car a few hours everyday. She kept nagging me about how she needed this and I was holding her back by not helping her. Eventually I lost my temper and yelled at her that I am a person not a comfort blanket, I have my own s**t i need to deal with and am not just available to her whenever she needs it .. She started crying and hasn't spoken to me since. Did I go to far?

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Grief and anxiety make for a stormy relationship brew, and this couple’s clash lays it bare. The woman, reeling from her sisters’ deaths, has been her girlfriend’s emotional anchor, but her burnout signals a breaking point. Her girlfriend’s plan to rely on her for daily drives, even with therapy, ignores her partner’s raw grief, highlighting an imbalance.

This reflects a broader issue: caregiver fatigue in relationships. A 2023 study by the National Alliance for Caregiving found 59% of unpaid caregivers experience burnout when boundaries aren’t set (Source). Her outburst, while heated, was a cry for self-preservation.

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Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch notes, “Grief demands space, and partners must respect each other’s emotional limits” (Source). The girlfriend’s reliance risks codependency, and her therapist’s plan seems tone-deaf to the woman’s needs.

A joint therapy session could clarify boundaries, and the woman might benefit from grief counseling. Open dialogue about mutual support could rebuild trust.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit brought the heat, with users backing the woman’s boundaries while tossing shade at the girlfriend’s demands. From therapy suggestions to calls for a break, here’s the community’s take:

OwnNotice9745 -  NTA (Not the A**hole) for wanting to prioritize your own well-being, but it might help to talk to her calmly and explain your need for space, especially while you’re grieving. Encourage her progress toward independence but set clear boundaries about what you can and cannot do right now.

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OkStatus9627 - So you'd told her no, gave her a reason for your no, and she kept nagging you until you yelled? I'm not a fan of yelling, but sometimes we have to yell to be heard. Clearly she wasn't *hearing* you until you upped your volume *and* reminded her that you have needs and issues of your own.

However, I would suggest you speak with your girlfriend about having a joint meeting with her therapist. On the face of things, either the therapist is crappy at their job (inconsiderate of the affect these plans will have on others), or doesn't know what you are currently dealing with yourself (if your girlfriend hasn't brought this up).

After all, that therapist is allegedly (if we believe your girlfriend) making plans for you to accompany her on multi-hour drives every day to build confidence. I say on the face of things and if we believe your girlfriend because there is room for potential misinterpretation and assumption in there.

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The therapist might have suggested your girlfriend ask those she's close to/those she trusts - which to the therapist's mind, could be you, her friends, her family - to help her with this. The therapist might have suggested it from the point of view that if you and your girlfriend are going somewhere anyway, rather than intending it as multiple hours each day

I might also suggest you look for therapist for your own, so you can talk through your grief and feelings regarding your girlfriend's reliance on you, however from what you've said it seems your preference at the moment is time to yourself and you are generally burnt out.

So perhaps a holiday, one for you and you alone, during which time your girlfriend has someone else on call to help her work through any emergencies. Time to recharge, sleep, think, maybe to do mind-numbing tasks or spend time amongst others (who aren't mentally demanding of you).

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I_wanna_be_anemone - NTA honestly, it sounds like your girlfriend isn’t mature enough for a relationship. People are looking for a partner, someone who reciprocates the support they’re given to the best of their ability. Your girlfriend takes weaponised incompetence to a whole new level regarding the ‘running out of electric’ ordeal. She’s not taking responsibility for herself.

If she was, she’d work around your schedule first, check your boundaries rather than just assume you’ll drop everything to cater to her. You have a lot to deal with, but girlfriend is focusing solely on herself and her feelings. This isn’t an equal partnership. You’re an unpaid carer/emotional support animal. You deserve better. 

jneinefr - NTA, this isn't healthy. For either of you! Maybe you can set up a time to do a couples session with her therapist. It seems odd to me that the therapist would create a plan that relies so heavily on you. It may be time to also seek therapy of your own. You've had a lot of responsibility and stress for a long time. No wonder you are burnt out.. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

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IndustryHot1645 - NTA but I feel strongly that you either need to see a therapist together or need some time apart (perhaps both). It’s ok that she finds comfort in you. It’s not ok that she feels that need to use you to prop her up entirely.. It’s ok that you’re not ok with being used that way and really need time/space/support for your own healing..

It’s probably not ideal the way that that’s come out. However it doesn’t make you an a**hole. Please take care of you, first and foremost. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much and you are allowed that space etc to process, grieve and be supported. Beyond that? Dysfunctional relationship. There may be potential to reshape but certainly not before you look after you.

PepperJacs - NTA in fact you are being truthful. There is also no point in her learning how to manage her anxiety based on a reliance of you, because what will happen if you are not there anymore or unavailable. I’m not one for shouting leave after seeing a snippet of a relationship on here but I want you to really think about what you are getting from this relationship and if it’s doing you more harm than good.

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HappySummerBreeze - Nta what does she give at all ? It sounds like she’s all take and no give !. Unfortunately any illness (including depression and anxiety) can lead a person into becoming selfish and self involved.. A romantic relationship has to be reciprocal. It sounds like it’s all about her.. She sounds very young and immature.. You might want to rethink your future with this woman.

_thisgingerninja_ - I'm not sure anyone is the AH here. The pain of loss can be unbearable and anger is a part of coming to terms with things you feel and accepting loss. Your girlfriend has an anxiety disorder that goes back to the beginning of your relationship. As much as you might need her to be better right now so you can focus on your own mental health, I don't think that is feasible.

She is trying to build confidence and unfortunately with anxiety issues it can take a lot of time to work through. As a partner of hers you are her support system as much as she is to be yours. Right now neither of you are in a position to be the support each other needs.

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If I were you, I would seek some counselling, grief is a process, the stages are messy and don't come in any order. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to experience our anger to be able to let it go. Deep down the issue for both of you is a deeply personal one.

[Reddit User] - I’d say based off your post history, you need to get off the internet and posting your life on Reddit and go talk to a therapist instead. Someone qualified to provide you with professional advice instead of random internet people.
These Reddit hot takes are fiery, but do they capture the full weight of this emotional tug-of-war? Was the outburst a fair stand or a step too far?

This story of grief, anxiety, and a shouted plea for space reveals the fragile balance of supporting a partner while honoring your own pain. Her yell shook their bond, but was it a wake-up call or a wound? Should she hold firm or mend the rift? If you were juggling loss and a partner’s needs, what would you do? Share your thoughts and let’s unravel this heartfelt clash!

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