AITA for asking my husbands sister to consider being a surrogate for us?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a heartfelt dinner where hope and family ties collide, only to end in a storm of hurt feelings. A couple, grappling with years of infertility, turned to the husband’s sister, Sarah, with a delicate request: would she consider being their surrogate? Knowing Sarah’s firm stance against having kids, they still hoped her closeness to the family might open her mind. But her explosive reaction—calling them selfish and cutting contact—left them reeling, with family and friends split on who’s in the wrong.

This Reddit tale dives into the raw emotions of infertility, the weight of personal boundaries, and the risks of big asks. Was the couple’s request a desperate plea or a step over the line? With Reddit buzzing and opinions flying, this story stirs up a debate about family, choice, and respect.

‘AITA for asking my husbands sister to consider being a surrogate for us?’

My husband and I have been trying for pregnancy for years now, and to cut a long story short it seems as though it will never be a possibility. It took a long time to come to terms with but we've gradually got there. Our entire family is aware of the journey we've been on and how much it meant to us.

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With that in mind, my husband and I came to his sister (Sarah) with a proposal. Sarah is in her early 30s, unmarried, and vocally against having children of her own. Despite this we thought she might be open to the idea of a surrogate pregnancy on our behalf given she would not have to be involved in raising the child personally.

My husband is extremely close to his family and the idea of the entire process of surrogacy being contained to his blood felt extremely important to him. With that closeness in mind, we did not feel it was out of order to ask this sort of question.

We invited Sarah over for dinner and at the end of it laid out our request. We told her we had been saving over the years and would be willing to pay her as much as a regular surrogate would be paid (a pretty hefty fee so she would be able to take time off from work if it was required), help her out with everything she needed, plus we had no expectations that she must help raise the child just because she carried it.

We told her why it was important to us and how much it'd mean, and asked her to have an open mind about it. Sarah exploded at us. She said we were both out of our minds for making such a request, extremely selfish, and that we had no respect for her disinterest in children.

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She actually left early. Right now she's refusing to take calls from us and even went as far as to ask my husbands parents to tell us to both not contact her until she decides to initiate it herself. My husbands parents are sympathetic to us but say that we should have kept in mind Sarah's difficulties.

My parents think she is behaving awfully. Most of my friends are on my side but a few have said that it was a bit of a rude request given everyone knows how much Sarah hates kids. It's really weighing on my mind and I honestly never expected this kind of outcome. She literally blocked us on every platform she could. Are we really the ones behaving like an a**hole?

This surrogacy clash lays bare the tension between personal dreams and individual autonomy. The couple’s request, driven by their infertility journey and desire for a biological connection, overlooked Sarah’s clear boundary against children. Her reaction, while intense, reflects the emotional weight of being asked to carry a pregnancy against her core beliefs. A 2023 study by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes that 70% of surrogacy disputes arise from mismatched expectations, often when personal values collide.

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Dr. Harriet Lerner, a family dynamics expert, writes in a Psychology Today article, “Respecting others’ boundaries, especially on deeply personal choices, is key to maintaining trust.” The couple’s offer of payment and no parenting expectations missed the mark—Sarah’s objection wasn’t financial but visceral. Asking her to reconsider her child-free stance felt dismissive, fueling her anger.

To mend this, the couple should wait for Sarah to initiate contact, then offer a sincere apology for overlooking her feelings. Exploring professional surrogacy options, as outlined by Surrogate.com, could meet their needs without straining family ties. Open dialogue about infertility and boundaries can rebuild trust, ensuring future requests respect everyone’s limits.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crowd dove in like a family reunion gone wild, dishing out sharp critiques of the couple’s request with a few defending their right to ask. Their takes are as heated as a summer barbecue, questioning motives and praising Sarah’s stand. Here’s the raw scoop:

nister0 − YTA. You knew she's 'vocally against having children of her own' but you approached her anyway without first finding out how far that extends. That you had to prep her lavishly for the ask suggests you knew you were asking for something out of bounds. Your language suggests you barely respect her.

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Why were you even talking about this with her and your husband's parents and with your parents? And now you've damaged her relationship with others who shouldn't be involved, namely your parents.. Wait until she comes to you, and when she does, apologize sincerely and profusely for not respecting her.

DannyK1965 − YTA ... your desire for a child does not outweigh your SIL's desire to not have children -- and it seems both are well known positions in the family. It may seem reasonable to 'keep it in the family' and 'we're trying to create a win-win' but really it isn't.

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You essentially said to her, 'Since you're not using your womb mind if we borrow it for 9 months?' Did you ever consider why she doesn't want children of her own? It's actually beyond rude the more I consider it. Yes, I am sympathetic to your p**ght but have only one more word for you: ADOPTION!

littlebopper2015 − YTA. The lengths people go for children when nature says over and over it’s not in the cards for them will never cease to astound me. Your sister in law was clearly anti children and you asked her to perform the most difficult phase of having children for your own child?

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I get that you can’t get pregnant yourself but can you at least think about the emotional toll it would be to get pregnant with your brother’s child, carry it to term, GO THROUGH BIRTH, and then no matter if your feelings change and transform the child YOU carried is then taken from you to be raised by your brother and sister in law.

How can you not understand the weight of what you are asking? Oh, but it means so much to your husband to have a blood relative carry it. What the actual f**k? If you have the money for a surrogate then hire a surrogate. Do you know what a surrogate is? A professional child incubator who has chosen that profession so people like you can try for a child at all costs.

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Despite me thinking you are incredibly selfish for trying to force a child genetically no matter that there are so many unwanted children in the world, I do believe you have a right to ask her. However that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have the right to be offended, grossed out, and angry that you would even ask.

I understand that you are desperate for a child created from your and your husbands genetics and are probably blinded by your “desire” but holy s**t. Edit: I’m quite fired up about this and I keep thinking of things. I hope this truly is a s**t post.

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What if she miscarries? What if there’s a developmental defect and you and your husband want to abort? First of all unless you did all of this legally you could potentially be forcing her down a difficult road. You don’t know if the problem is your eggs and your husband’s sperm.

How many miscarriages could she suffer? His own sister! How would you handle it if you wanted to abort? Thinking about how fired up and in shock I am and I’m a perfect stranger the more I understand the magnitude of Sarah’s reaction. F**king insane.

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[Reddit User] − YTA Honestly, it should be expected that a woman who wants no kids would also not want her body used for the very thing she is so against. It's inappropriate and disrespectful as hell to ask that of someone who would by all means be against it.

You didn't just ask her to be a surrogate, you told her that you don't give a damn about what she wants, and that her childfree status means jack s**t to you. You wanting to have kids is not above her wanting to stay childfree and keep her womb unused. Edit: Also, your lack of responding to comments this whole time makes me wonder if you made this up to rile people up.

And if not, then you are either leaving something out or are straight up lying about certain s**t. If she 'exploded' then I wonder if you just kept being up her ass wanting a yes and that's why, or she said no while being a bit peeved and you decided that equaled explosive.. What are you not telling us, OP?

[Reddit User] − vocally against having children of her own. bit of a rude request given everyone knows how much Sarah hates kids.. YTA

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KeeperOfTheArcane197 − YTA. I’m trying to say that as kindly as possible but why would you think someone who is adamantly against having children would want to carry yours? If your husband is that close to his sister, I would have thought that he would know better than to make such a tone deaf request.

Also, it may be unrelated, but the “important to keep this surrogacy confined to his blood” bit makes me roll my eyes so hard. Your parents are of course only going to see this from your point of view so their opinions on how your sister in law feels or reacted are unnecessary.

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At the end of the day, you guys should have considered your sister in law’s feelings way more than you did. You asked a massive favor of someone who has made clear they want nothing to do with children, which probably tells her you don’t care at all about her or the things she wants for her life, you just saw her as a potential womb. You’d probably do well to hold off on contacting her until she’s ready.

andwhiskersonkittens − We told her why it was important to us and how much it'd mean, and asked her to have an open mind about it. YTA. Sarah doesn't want children so asking her to give birth for you was very inappropriate. You seem very focussed on how much it will mean to you, not what it would mean to her.

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You are so focussed on wanting a baby that you are not being open minded about the fact that Sarah doesn't want a child and that includes the pregnancy/birthing part. It also seems like you have then gone and had a moan to your parents for her reaction. I'm not surprised Sarah doesn't want to talk to either of you. She's a person, not an incubator.

AfricaByToto69420 − NTA. Everyone is acting like they’re trying to FORCE her to be a surrogate. They just asked! She could’ve declined. If she declined and you kept pushing, it would be an issue, but you didn’t know she would be so strongly opposed to it. It’s why you asked!

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Shdwngs − YTA - I'd have reacted the same way given I've told people all my adult life I have no interest in having children. Then your own family comes to you asking you to carry and birth a child you don't want and damage your body?

Mine worked out well, I physically can't have kids anymore (endometriosis and finally was told they'd do a hysterectomy) so at least I don't have anyone ever asking that question but damn. Y'all just walked all over her feelings.

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WifeInAgony − YTA. Why ask someone who already said they didn’t want something - a major medical risk, by the way, to do you a favor? If you were a vegetarian, and your sister was making a filet dinner and asked you to “try a bite now, but don’t be obligated to eat it later at dinner”, you’d say no and be a bit annoyed..

Not the best example, but haven’t had coffee yet so it’s all I’ve got! And for what it’s worth, I also have not been able to have kids and totally understand the emotions. I think your desire for wanting children is outweighing your logic for other people’s emotions.

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Reddit’s “YTA” majority slams the couple for ignoring Sarah’s child-free stance, calling the ask disrespectful. A few see no harm in asking once, but most back Sarah’s right to be upset. Do these fiery opinions capture the full story, or are they just stoking the drama? This surrogacy spat has everyone talking about family and boundaries.

This story shows how a well-meaning request can ignite a family firestorm when boundaries are crossed. The couple’s longing for a child is real, but asking Sarah to carry one against her beliefs was a misstep that bruised trust. Family closeness doesn’t trump personal choice, and respect is the glue that holds bonds together. Have you ever faced a family request that felt too big? How would you balance a personal dream with someone’s firm no? Share your thoughts—let’s unpack this tangled web of love and limits.

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