AITA For not telling my daughter to apologise to a boy she swore at, at school?

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A schoolyard clash turned into a fiery showdown when a 13-year-old girl, fed up with a boy’s homophobic taunts and locker-blocking antics, unleashed a sharp-tongued retort. Her parent, caught between pride in her defiance and pressure from the boy’s family for an apology, faces a moral tug-of-war.

Set in an Australian school, this Reddit tale hooks readers with its raw emotion: when does standing up for yourself cross the line, and should kids be forced to apologize to their bullies?

‘AITA For not telling my daughter to apologise to a boy she swore at, at school?’

My daughter has been subtly bullied by a boy at school since the start of the year. He has told her things like ‘gay people aren’t real people’ and gets in the way of her locker each day. Today, during an altercation between this boy, and another student, my daughter called the boy ‘a h**ophobic a**hole’.

While she regrets the words, she doesn’t regret the sentiment, and standing up for herself. The boy’s parents complained and want an apology, the school want both students to come to an understanding. AITA if I tell my daughter she doesn’t need to apologise, but instead, phrase things differently, while still standing up for herself..

EDIT: We are in Australia, so schools are open. I reported the bullying to the school back in March, and they said they would keep an eye on it..

EDIT 2: The kids are 13.

This schoolyard drama exposes the thorny issue of bullying and self-defense. The daughter’s outburst, calling her tormentor a “homophobic a**hole,” was a reaction to ongoing harassment, while the boy’s parents’ demand for an apology sidesteps his behavior.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a parenting expert, says, “Kids need to feel safe to stand up for themselves, but adults must guide them to express it constructively.” The daughter’s sentiment was valid, but her language escalated the conflict.

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Bullying affects 1 in 5 students, per a 2023 Australian study, with homophobic remarks often targeting vulnerable teens. The school’s push for “understanding” risks excusing the bully’s actions, undermining the daughter’s agency. Kennedy’s approach suggests coaching kids to use assertive, respectful language.

The parent could support their daughter by validating her feelings, teaching calmer responses, and pressing the school to address the bullying head-on.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s crew didn’t hold back, serving up fiery support with a dash of humor.

WinsomeAnlussom − NTA. That is not 'subtle' bullying; it's just standard bullying. The 'understanding' that your daughter and this boy should come to is that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated by the school. Your daughter should never have been put into a position where she was provoked to tell someone he's a h**ophobic a**hole.

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[Reddit User] − NTA, especially not if you're telling her to phrase things differently while standing up for herself. The boy has been calling her names, bullying her and making h**ophobic remarks. Make sure the school and his parents are aware of this.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I absolutely wouldn’t expect her to apologise at all. Make it very clear to the school that you will not ask your daughter to apologise for being the victim of targeted bullying while in their care.

diparrao − NTA. She can apologise if she wants for calling him an a**hole but she should stand her ground on her calling him a homophobe.. Kids don’t come up with this s**t on their own, chances are his parents are the real h**ophobic assholes.. I would back her up %100 and pressure the school to take action against him for bullying her.

Gangreless − NTA and *please* don't back down if the school tries to push your daughter to 'come to an understanding' with her bully. They may even threaten her with suspension, do NOT stand for that! Seriously, threaten to

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and go through with if necessary escalating to the superintendent and school board. I know this may seem a bit fear-monger-y but I used to be a teacher and I've seen administration do some really s**tty stuff in order to keep their bullying statistics down.

DrSaks − NTA. Good on your daughter for calling him out. Tell her to never change. Sticking up for the LGBTQ+ community is so important!! You're raising her right.

pintopetz − NTA NTA NTA. She was bullied for ages but when she makes a boy big sad, the school wants to step in? No way. NTA.

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AngrierThanISeem − NTA. Homophobes deserve vulgarity. I would say, if your daughter is gay (as this sort of implies?) you should a) be wary of tone policing. it's exhausting to be asked to be nice when defending your right to be treated like a human against people who are NEVER nice

b) FREAK THE F**K OUT ABOUT THIS S**T TO HER SCHOOL YESTERDAY. Honestly, you should report bullying either way, but definitely if she's being victimized for her sexuality. Life is hard enough. Back her up as much as you can.

[Reddit User] − NTA. She has nothing to apologize for. I wouldn't even really ask her to change her language, actually. If that's the language she needs to use to get the school's attention and help her resolve the bullying issue, that's the language she should use.

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smolchee − So.. he's been bullying her and the ONE TIME she claps back, he goes to mommy? LOL

From cheering the daughter’s guts to slamming the school’s inaction, these takes spark debate. But do they untangle the mess of teen conflicts?

This tale of a teen’s defiance and a parent’s dilemma leaves us questioning how to handle bullying. The daughter’s stand was brave, but her words stirred trouble. Should she apologize, or is the bully owed a reality check? What would you do if your child faced a similar clash? Share your thoughts—how do you balance supporting your kid’s fire with keeping the peace?

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