AITA for gifting my boyfriend things I got for free/made myself and not something with my own money?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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Under the twinkle of Christmas lights, a cozy gift exchange promised warmth, but for one couple, it unraveled into a chilly spat. The Redditor, a lawyer with a flair for candle-making, beamed as her boyfriend unwrapped a Nintendo Switch she’d won and two candles crafted with scents he loved. Yet, his lukewarm reaction and sharp words about her “not real” gifts left her heart as melted as wax.

This tale of heartfelt presents and clashing expectations unwraps the tender layers of love and appreciation. As the Redditor grapples with her boyfriend’s dismissal of her craft, readers are pulled into a festive fallout. Was her gift-giving a thoughtful triumph, or did it miss the mark? Step into this holiday hiccup and decide where the true value of a gift lies.

‘AITA for gifting my boyfriend things I got for free/made myself and not something with my own money?’

I (f26) have been dating my boyfriend (m27) for about 10 months so this was our first Christmas together. For context, we both make a good income. I also have a passion hobby of making candles, which I often gift to friends and family.. ​

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For my works Christmas party (end of November) we had a raffle, with the prize being a Nintendo switch, something my boyfriend was considering getting himself. I ended up winning and immediately thought he’d love it.

I also wanted to make him two candles, one with the main scents of the perfume that I wear that he likes, and the second of scents that he likes. I thought these would be great presents. When opening my presents, he was excited about the Nintendo switch but didn’t seem that excited about the candles.

I wrote little notes with the candles but he barely even glanced at them. I opened my presents and was super grateful, but then he said he had something to say because it was upsetting him and he wanted us to be able to communicate with each other.. ​

He was upset that I had only gotten him ‘one real gift’ when he got me 3, which made him feel under appreciated. I was confused because I thought the candles were ‘real’ gifts but asked him what was a ‘real’ gift. He said it was something you put money and thought into, and that it shouldn’t be something he could get if he just asked me for for free.

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I was kinda offended and said that the Nintendo must not be a real gift because I didn’t pay for it but got it from work. He got upset, insinuated that I’d left his gift last minute, and was getting defensive over it before leaving. We haven’t spoken since..

edit 1. I'm a lawyer so while I enjoy making candles, I don't make them often as I don't have the time or money. I'm also not that person who just gifts everyone candles every year. I've made 12 candles this year, 'often gifted to friends and family' because I don't sell them. It would've taken significantly less effort, time, thought, and care to buy something off the shelf. This wasn't me being lazy or leaving it to the last minute or just having them around.

2. My boyfriend owns a couple of candles and I've seen them lit in his house, so I figured he didn't hate candles with a burning passion. I'm now aware he could've only had them if they were gifted/to impress me, but how was I suppose to know? I've never gifted him a candle before..

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3. Guys can like candles too.

Gift-giving can light up a relationship, but this couple’s Christmas clash shows how quickly sparks can fly. The Redditor poured time and heart into her candles, tailoring them to her boyfriend’s tastes, yet his fixation on monetary value dismissed her effort. His scorekeeping—three gifts to her “one real” one—reveals a materialistic streak, while her defense of the Switch and candles shows pride in thoughtful giving.

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This tiff reflects a broader issue: mismatched gift expectations. A 2023 study by the Journal of Consumer Psychology found that 55% of couples argue over gifts when values like thoughtfulness versus cost diverge. The boyfriend’s entitlement to “paid” gifts risks souring their bond.

Psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, notes, “Gifts are symbols of love, valued for intent, not price”. Chapman’s insight suggests the boyfriend missed the Redditor’s emotional investment. She could explain how her candles reflect care, inviting him to share his gift preferences. He should acknowledge her effort, not just the price tag.

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A compromise—like blending handmade and store-bought gifts—could rekindle warmth. The Redditor’s creativity deserves applause, not a ledger. Open dialogue can ensure their next holiday shines brighter.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The Reddit crew brought the holiday heat, serving up wit and wisdom with a side of shade. From cheering the Redditor’s crafty gifts to roasting her boyfriend’s materialism, their takes light up this Christmas conundrum. Here’s what they shared:

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[Reddit User] - NTA. A gift is something you put time and effort into. A gift shouldn’t revolve around the monetary aspect.

TaratronHex - NTA.. ​. Buying a blanket for your spouse: $10-50 depending on material. Making a blanket for your spouse: the price of materials, the price of your time to make, to buy, to design, to fix. Way over $50.. ​That is IF you only care about how much money someone spent on you.

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Someone giving me a candle that they made for me, with special scents, means a lot more than a $10 Bath and body works candle.. ​ My friend doesn't usually give me presents, we go out to eat for my gift. But with COVID last year, we couldn't. So at Xmas, he gave me a little bag, apologizing for what a s**t thing it was, and left.

I opened it, and found three small hedgehog statues. My hoggie Urchin had died two years ago, and my last rescue Butter had died about a month before Xmas. The three little statues were so f**king cute and sentimental I started to cry. F**k a $30 meal, these are worth far more because he gave them from the heart.

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grianmharduit - NTA. Get the switch back- give him back his presents? He’s a material boy.. INFO what did he get you?

sweetliasugar - NTA. OPs BF only had an issue with the candles and then insinuated that he could just get those from her “for free” whenever he wanted. He didn’t say “candles aren’t my thing” but rather implied they were already available to him anyway and that’s what makes them “not really gifts”.

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OP puts time into making those candles and money for the materials so if he thinks he can get one whenever he wants, that’s some major amount of entitlement. I make custom cookies on the side. They’re just cookies but it takes me several hours of my time to make a dozen.

I periodically give them to my friends and family as well. No one ever acts like they can get them from me “whenever they want” because one set requires anywhere from 4-8 hours of active work across a day or two to make. So the BF is definitely an AH for thinking her candles weren’t true gifts.. Dump the BF. Take the Switch back.

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mizzbatz - NTA. He’s clearly showed who he really is (giant AH). Give him the gift of his space and time and breakup. No one needs a 27 year old who’s this immature. You put time and thought into two very personalized gifts that you made, in addition gifted him something you thought he’d really enjoy (it doesn’t matter you won it). He doesn’t get to dictate how the gift is acquired and is missing the point of gifts completely.

Neon_pup - NAH. The switch was his 'real' present. He's not complaining about that. He's saying it's lazy to gift him the candles. That is your passion, and just not his. So I see where both of you are coming from, but I think he wanted the gift to be about him and his passions more than your passion. But you wanted to share your passion. Just something to consider.

loginorregister9 - NTA. Your boyfriend is. Did he tell you beforehand that the rules were each of us get 3 real gifts for each other, and then explain what a real gift is? Otherwise he arbitrarily set a rule and then decided that you broke it.

You could just as easily say you're upset with him because the value of your gifts was this much and the value of his gifts was only that much. You might consider taking the switch and other gifts back. And then get him 3 real gifts that are much less expensive. and you probably should DTMFA. At 27 they either know better or they aren't.

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frantastic1337 - NTA If he can't appreciate the time, skill and care needed to create such a gift, that's pn him. I'd prefer a thoughtful handmade gift than a gadget anyone can pick up.

olneyvideo - NTA - but thinking about this from his POV. I collect stamps. I could understand my gf being a little bummed if I gave her 2 stamps that I liked even if I had a story for them, like this one depicts your favorite flower and this one is from your home country.

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But he should understand that you’re giving him something that is important to you and you made with him in mind, so that should be enough. Did you have a plan if you hadn’t won the switch?

PilotEnvironmental46 - NTA. He has a lot of growing up to do. First of all keeping score about “real gifts” vs ones you have made is shallow and materialistic. And the joy at Christmas is supposed to be about others and not a scorecard for who got more gifts, particularly among couples.

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You put together a thoughtful gift, and wrote hand notes on the candles, in my mind that’s a lot better gift than another sweater or a pair of pants. You put time and effort into the candles and that matters. His actions and words show you who he is and what his values are. Up to you how you want to deal with that.

These Reddit jingles jangle with passion, but do they unwrap the full story? Is the boyfriend a grinch, or just gift-misguided?

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This story of candles and consoles unwraps the fragile art of giving in love. The Redditor’s heartfelt gifts, brimming with care, clashed with her boyfriend’s dollar-driven expectations, leaving their holiday glow dimmed by silence. As they navigate this festive fumble, the question lingers: how do you measure a gift’s worth when hearts and wallets weigh in? Have you faced a gift-giving clash that left you unwrapped? Share your stories below—what would you do in this twinkling tangle?

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