AITA For not wanting to have any contact with my children anymore?

In a quiet suburban home, where faded family photos gather dust, a father carries the weight of a fractured past. Once a weekend warrior packing picnic baskets for his kids, he watched helplessly as his ex-wife’s lies turned his children against him. The sting of their rejection lingers, sharp as ever, even as they stand at his door years later, seeking forgiveness. His heart, scarred from decades of grief, now craves the calm of retirement over the chaos of reconciliation.

This tale of parental alienation unfolds with raw honesty, painting a vivid picture of a man torn between love and self-preservation. The father’s journey, shared on Reddit, resonates with anyone who’s faced betrayal within their own family. His struggle to find peace while grappling with the ghosts of his past invites empathy, pulling readers into a story that’s as heartbreaking as it is human.

‘AITA For not wanting to have any contact with my children anymore?’

My ex cheated on me when my two kids were 6 and 5 years old. We got divorced. She got weekdays, I got weekends. We are all in the same city. For a while there it seemed to work, I thought we could be civil enough to co-parent the two kids. But she got together with the man she'd cheated with and slowly started to turn the kids against me.

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Suddenly every time I'd have my time with the kids little trips and picnics would be organised. Of course, if I'd insist on my time with them I'd be turned into a bad guy. She started telling them lies about me too, and it slowly but surely made them hate me - bit by bit.

I tried to sue her for parental alienation and to have the custody agreement properly enforced but it didn't go anywhere, and she used the lawsuit to breed further resentment. It got so bad that they stopped wanting to see me at all. Many weekends I'd drive to her house only to be turned away at the door.

Maybe I should have forced them to come with me or something, I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake to not have done that. I even ended up breaking up with my girlfriend for them. And it was the last serious relationship I had. Their mom told them lies about her, said that I was going to start a new family with her and they'll be pushed aside

which was ironic because that was exactly what was happening to me. On the rare occasions that they did come visit me they'd get into fights with her and flat out told me they are not going to come at all if she's around. They forced me to choose. I chose them (big mistake, I know). I ended up being ignored anyway.

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The last time I met them was on my son's 16th birthday. He said he was sick of me and just wished that I would leave them alone. I asked my daughter if she felt the same. She said yes. I told them that I wouldn't force them to come anymore but if they wanted to get in touch with me I'd be there.. They didn't even so much as call me. For years. It broke me.

Well now they're in their twenties and their mom got divorced again (he cheated - what a surprise) and she turned to the bottle. They've started to figure out the lies they were fed by her and now want to get back in touch. ... I just can't anymore.

I had them late in life and now I'm close to retirement. The last two decades of my life were just full of anxiety and despair. I don't want that for the last stage of my life. I've grown to live without them. I'm finally feeling some semblance of happiness again.

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I don't want to try to fix things the very thought makes my heart sink in my chest. I want nothing to do with them. My friends think I'm being an a**hole. Said that it wasn't their fault and that I should try and fix things. I just can't. I can't.. So. AITA?

This father’s ordeal is a stark reminder of parental alienation’s devastating toll. His ex-wife’s campaign of lies slowly eroded his bond with his children, leaving him isolated and heartbroken. Now, as his adult children seek to reconnect, his hesitation reflects a deep-seated fear of revisiting that pain. The emotional scars from years of rejection run deep, and his choice to prioritize peace is a natural, if painful, response to a fractured family dynamic.

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Parental alienation is a recognized issue, with a 2018 Journal of Family Psychology study estimating it impacts 15% of divorced families. It thrives on manipulation, turning children into unwitting pawns. Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, an expert in this field, explains, “Alienated parents often face a paradox: the desire to reconnect battles with fear of renewed rejection” . The father’s reluctance mirrors this, as he guards against reliving the despair of being cast as the villain.

The broader issue here is trust—or its absence—in fractured families. The children, now seeing through their mother’s deceit, face the challenge of rebuilding a relationship from ashes. The father’s pain, compounded by years of being sidelined, makes vulnerability feel like a gamble. Therapy could offer a path forward, providing a neutral space to unpack emotions and set boundaries. Family counseling, as Dr. Baker suggests, might help all parties navigate this delicate reunion with clarity and care.

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For the father, a cautious approach—like a single conversation or a heartfelt letter—could test the waters without fully reopening old wounds. Setting clear expectations and addressing past hurts openly might lay the groundwork for healing. While the road to reconciliation is steep, it’s not impossible. A small step, grounded in mutual understanding, could bridge the gap, offering a chance for closure or even a new beginning.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit users weighed in with a mix of empathy and pragmatism, reflecting the complexity of the father’s dilemma. Many see no villains here, only victims of a manipulative ex-wife. They urge him to consider therapy to process his pain, suggesting that reconnecting, even cautiously, could bring healing. Others validate his need for peace, acknowledging that self-preservation is a valid choice after years of heartache.

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The community’s takes, candid and heartfelt, highlight the universal struggle of balancing forgiveness with personal boundaries. While some push for reconciliation, citing the children’s youth during their alienation, others support the father’s right to protect his hard-won serenity. Their opinions, though varied, underscore the story’s emotional weight and the challenge of mending broken family ties.

easterwest − NAH. This is really tough. The kids are not at fault here. Many kids that have been alienated from a parent start to figure it out in their early 20’s. I also understand the heartache you must have experienced while they were growing up and wanting to avoid going through that again.

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However, I think a relationship with your adult children can be very different. I think fear of getting rejected is preventing you from trying again. I think that would be a mistake.

enitsirhcbcwds − NAH, get thee to therapy ASAP. Your kids were manipulated from a young age and essentially had no functional parenting. This is not your fault, but not theirs either.. You have an opportunity to rebuild that relationship and I think you should take it.

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AconiteAgony − NAH. Im in the same situation as your kids. I was fed lies about my father, and believed them. I had 0 contact growing up and believed he was bad. Shortly before cutting contact with my mother, i began to realize she was lying to me about him.

I moved out and reached out to him, and now we talk every day and we're repairing the bond that was broken and never able to fully grow. Your kids being fed lies and believing them isnt their fault. Theyre kids and your parents are supposed to be someone you can trust, so they trusted, like kids do.

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They realize their trust was manipulated, so they want to fix it. At the same time, you dont have to try to fix it if you really dont want to. But from what it sounds like to me, youre putting a lot of blame on them for what happened. Theyre not the bad person here, your ex is

WynterRayne − NTA. It wasn't their fault, your friend is right, but also not yours. You did, however, say you'd be there. You're well within your right to be unwilling about it, but I wouldn't recommend going ahead and just turning them away. They were young when they cut you out, and also raised on lies.

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SirEDCaLot − NAH. That said, this isn't about being an a**hole. This is about you and your mental health. I am less worried about what is the right or a**hole move, and more worried about what move you can make without hurting yourself.

Having your kids turned against you is one of the worst things that can happen to a person; it's like the mental health equivalent of getting shot. So to continue that analogy, this question is like asking if you should take the bus or the subway, when you should be asking how do you get up off the ground without bleeding out.

IMHO, what you should do is get some therapy. Talk to a counselor about this. Start processing some of those emotions. Then write your kids a letter, long form. Tell them in full detail how what they did hurt you and how it made you feel. Tell them how your heart fell apart when they told you to they were sick of you.

Tell them that you are very much not okay, and have not been okay since that day. And tell them that while you're glad they are realizing how toxic their mom is, that doesn't change how much they hurt you, or how much time and pain it took for you to mentally even start to let them go.

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Tell them that perhaps someday you can reconnect with them, when you're ready. But right now your heart is full of too much pain and bitterness and resentment, to both their mom and to them, for you to be the type of father or the type of person you would have wanted to be to them;

if they met you right now they would find a sad and bitter man who's more like the cold person your ex made you out to be than the loving father you tried to be while they were kids. If they were to see you now, it would only prove their mom right about you.

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So for right now, you aren't ready to have any sort of relationship with them. Perhaps someday, but that day is not today. That said- I think you should try to work towards being able to see them. Because perhaps if you do, and they realize that their mom really was the a**hole, then that might help the next decade of your life make up for the last one.

UnsightlyFuzz − NTA. But I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Parental alienation is real, but a lot of people don't believe that and think the alienated parent must have been really bad. Would it be possible for you to have a very limited relationship with them? Meet with them once or twice, explain why you just can't do it any more? Or are you afraid they'd call you the AH?

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TripleSixStorm − INFO: Are you kids in their 20s still? Mid 20s is about the time you start understanding all the s**t your parents did to you so i dont think you should hold them accountable. Also you dont need to be in their lives or be their Dad just meet them hear them out and see how you feel after.

twistednwarped − I’m speaking from the perspective of watching someone close to me go through this. I will start by saying NAH (this is in reference to you and your children only,) at current. You are not TA for being heart-weary and wanting to protect yourself from experiencing more of the *second worst pain a parent can feel.

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They are not TA because as much as we expect them to have the emotional and logical reasoning to work out what’s going on it’s just not the case when they’re 16. However...I do believe you should give them a chance. They are adults now, out of the onus of their mother.

I’m not saying welcome them with open arms, and —while you certainly shouldn’t play the blame game and should try to avoid accusations—I would be frank with them that you are afraid of being hurt again, and that while you don’t blame them and you know it wasn’t their fault or intent as you were all 3 victims of circumstance it was excruciating to lose them.

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I would suggest family therapy, which will be painful at times but will give you all a safe space to reestablish a relationship. If that’s not something you’re willing to do, open a line of contact, see what happens. If it goes wrong, yes it will hurt. But if it goes right it will be the best decision you ever make.

Worst case, If they revert to the behaviors they were exhibiting at 16, you can sever the contact with a clear conscience. Best case, you get your children back. Either way you don’t have to live without knowing.. Edit: worst to second worst. Worst, I imagine, would be the death of a child.

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zippy_zaboo − NTA. It's sad, but things don't always work out here. Everyone has grown up: Just like I'd say they were OK for not wanting to talk to you, the reverse is also true.

LiLadybug81 − NAH- While I agree that there is a good chance that you would be able to mend this now that they are adults, I will say it's not guaranteed. I had an uncle whose ex alienated him from the four children they had- she wouldn't follow the visitation order, no matter how often they went to court

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she called the cops and filed false reports for times at which (thankfully) he could often prove he was somewhere else, and then when he was arrested she lined the kids up at the window to watch. Eventually he ran out of the funding to keep fighting her in court, and so she won.

When the kids grew older, several of them did reach out to him, but it never stuck- they had inherited too much of their mother's toxicity, or just came looking for money, and no real interest in a relationship for its own sake. It takes time to deprogram from that kind of parental propaganda.

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If you choose to reconnect, I would recommend starting with a frank conversation about what their beliefs were about the situation, vs. the reality, and seeing if they really are open to discarding all of their mother's lies, or if they are only open to certain aspects of the situation.

I think you'll be in a much better place to make an informed decision, and will have a lot more peace with yourself with whichever decision you make, if you at least try to clear the air and set the record straight in one discussion. If they're at all resistant to the truth, then you can close the book and know you gave it every try.

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If they're really aware of how much their mother lied, and truly want to make it right, you may find that the healing will be worth the risk. In the end, though, no one in this thread really understands the dynamic or has the information you have, and so in the end you are the only one with the information to make this decision.

This father’s story, raw and resonant, lays bare the cost of parental alienation and the courage it takes to choose peace over pain. His journey invites us to reflect on forgiveness, family, and the boundaries we set to protect our hearts. Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this delicate dance of reconciliation and self-care?

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