AITA for not going on a family trip because they failed to accommodate my son?

In a flurry of group chat messages, a family’s dream vacation takes shape—until it leaves one member sidelined. A mother, fiercely protective of her eight-year-old son Toby, who battles Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis, discovers that the trip’s itinerary—packed with rock climbing and cliff jumping—offers little for him. Frustrated by her family’s oversight, she pulls the plug on their attendance, igniting a firestorm of accusations that she’s ruining the fun.

This Reddit saga tugs at the heart, blending a mother’s love with the sting of exclusion. Toby’s condition demands thoughtful planning, yet the family’s choices seem to overlook his needs entirely. As tensions rise, the story raises a thorny question: is standing up for your child selfish, or a necessary act of care? Dive into this tale of family friction and moral conviction.

‘AITA for not going on a family trip because they failed to accommodate my son?’

I (32F) have a son called Toby (8M). Toby has JIA (arthritis), sometimes he has to use a cane, sometimes he doesn't but overall there are quite a lot of high activity things he can't do because it's in his knees. We do our best to give him a 'wider' scope but there will always be certain things he can't do and we've accepted that.

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I have 4 siblings, all who have at least one child of their own. My parents decided they wanted to take me, them, my siblings, our kids and our spouses on a family trip, which they were gonna plan out certain activities etc. We had a groupchat for the trip so people were sending their idea suggestions there, there was some stuff Toby couldnt do but I didn't expect him to be able to do everything anyway.

When they made the final schedule, most of it didn't accommodate Toby at all, rock climbing, absailing, hiking, orienteering, cliff jumping. This really annoyed me, because they're very aware of the fact Toby has JIA, and there were plenty of other activities that we all could've done (there were more activities that he was able to do than ones he wasn't, yet it's like they chose every sport in the f**king book that he was incapable of).

I told them that the fact that they'd booked all of this without even consulting me first, or taking my son into consideration, shows that this trip wasn't worth it, and that I wouldn't be going. My husband agrees with me on this front, since he was only going for Toby anyway.

I've been called selfish and immature, that it's a family trip and it's about spending time with each other and having fun. That there were other things Toby could do (about 2 things) - so i feel the need to clarify, I'm not annoyed that they chose high activity sports, I'm annoyed that the *majority* of what they chose is high activity sports.

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I told them I hope they enjoy their trip, but ill be doing something else with Toby. They've been consistently messaging me saying that I'm *spoiling* the fun and that I'm taking family time away from Toby and everyone else.. Idk, I don't think I'm in the wrong, but I want some outsider perspective, AITA?

Edit: Many people have been asking, I suggested in the groupchat plenty of other sports that Toby *could* do (swimming, archery, ball sports, kayaking etc) which is why it annoyed me so much to see the final schedule.

Planning a family trip should feel like a warm group hug, but this one left a mother and her son out in the cold. The mother’s decision to skip the vacation stems from a schedule packed with high-energy activities that her son Toby, with JIA, can’t join. Her family’s failure to consider his needs, despite her suggestions, feels like a deliberate snub. They argue it’s about togetherness, but sidelining Toby suggests otherwise.

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This situation highlights a broader issue: inclusion in family dynamics. According to a 2024 report by the Arthritis Foundation, 1 in 4 children with JIA face activity limitations, yet family support can significantly boost their well-being. Ignoring Toby’s needs risks his emotional health, as exclusion can foster feelings of isolation.

Dr. Sarah Thompson, a pediatric rheumatologist, states, “Accommodating children with JIA isn’t just about physical access; it’s about ensuring they feel valued in family settings”. Here, the family’s focus on thrill-seeking activities overlooked Toby’s ability to participate, undermining the trip’s purpose.

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The mother could propose a compromise, like alternating high- and low-impact activities, or plan a separate outing with Toby that includes cousins. Open communication—perhaps a calm family meeting—could align everyone’s expectations, ensuring Toby feels included without canceling the trip entirely.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s serving up some spicy takes on this family vacation fiasco, and they’re not holding back! Here’s what the community had to say:

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redsoxx1996 − NTA. You're 'taking family time away from Toby' while they choose all the activities he's unable to do? Right. I guess it would have been a lot of fun for your poor child to watch others do stuff he cannot do. Every child likes to be excluded, right? They love being the outsider, right? (sarcasm off).

I think you did the right thing. If it was about 'spending time together and having fun as a family' they should have tried to find something to do as a family. Instead they choose to book things that would exclude your little family. That's what I would call selfish.

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Whitestaunton − NTA Quick question are you expected to pay an equal share of this trip...is this potentially about you subsidising everyone else's trip and experiences?. Here is a possible response. (in writing). Dear All. Re Trip. I am sure you will all have a lovely time and I hope you do.

I do object to being told I am spoiling the fun and preventing Toby spending time with the family. To be clear it is not fun to sit on the sidelines and watch as anyone who had to sit out in team sports at school knows.

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It is not being with the family when you have to be separated from them because you can not participate. It also depressing for Toby to be expected to sit and watch everyone else do fun things he will never be able to participate in...

(Edit smile though conversations while everyone talks about how much fun the activity was that you got left out of) for an entire week of what is supposed to be fun holiday. It is also a lot of money for us to spend so Toby and I can hang around and watch everyone else enjoy themselves. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't go and your children shouldn't have these experiences.

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I am asking for some empathy and a bit of thought as why it is inappropriate to expect us to attend and self centered to only consider how us not attending affects you. I am also asking you to consider how Toby will feel and how you would feel if you were being called selfish and immature.

(Depending how pissed off you are you could also add)\*\*Please be under no illusions this is in danger of becoming more than me just acting in Toby's (and my own) best interests in regards to this holiday and if you all don't wind your necks in and stop abusing me......us attending this particular family holiday will be the least of the problems.

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LilSergio_ − NTA, this is wild. I fully expected to say 'no assholes here' because, as much as you want to accommodate your son, they can't be expected to plan the entire trip around one person. But it almost feels like they did, only with the specific intent of excluding them.

I truly cannot imagine planning a family trip with so many activities like:. rock climbing, absailing, hiking, orienteering, cliff jumping. That's unreal for ANYONE, much less a family who knows one of them can't partake in any of those activities. F**k's sake, Bear Grylls plans more relaxed vacations.

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Radijs − Full on NTA, my reply would be 'Well your kids can have fun. How much fun will it be for Toby constantly sitting on the sidelines?'

PrincessIce − Info: They are expecting a group of children to go cliff jumping?

Liss78 − NTA. I'm taking family time away from Toby. Toby will not have fun watching his cousins have fun while sitting along the sidelines. So what family time are they talking about there? The family that excluded him from all the fun?

What's he missing out on there, not having fun with a family that didn't give his needs a single thought? Try could have put a little thought about his needs into their plans and chose not to, so they don't get to guilt trip you for not going.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. I’ve been through a similar situation with my step kids and my parents. We’d planned a trip for the kids to meet my parents with just us, not my siblings and their kids. The thinking being that we wanted my kids to form their own relationship with my parents, and not one with all the other grand kids there.

Well one of my siblings thought it’d be a great idea to also join in on the fun with their kids, despite my immediate, consistent objection. I was constantly told how fun it’d be for everyone to meet and I just didn’t get it. I eventually had to sternly tell everyone that they have never,

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and will never be in this situation because I’m the only one that’s a step parent, therefore they don’t get to tell me how I’m wrong about my own damn kids when they’ve literally never experienced it. You gotta put your foot down for the sake of your kid. I don’t necessarily see anything malicious in the rest of your family, and I’m hoping they just want the whole family together.

volleyballsmurf − Even if he didn’t have arthritis, he’s 8. Hello? It’s like a few adults sat around talking:. Adult 1: What are we doing on the trip?. Adult 2: Man, I’ve always wanted to go rock-. climbing.. Adult 1: Yes! Me too!.

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Adult 2: But what are we gonna do with our. kids?. Adult 1: Well Toby can’t go, so that means. one of his parents have to stay with him.. Adult 2: Yes! Perfect!. And you are now “selfish” for f**king up that plan. NTA.

GlitteringPaint899 − NTA have you thought about the fact that maybe they did this was so that you could watch the other children that didn't want or weren't old enough to also do those activities? You would be the built in sitter. Just a thought.

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lejerc − NTA your son is part of your family and they are being extremely rude.

These Reddit opinions are bolder than a cliff jump, but do they capture the heart of the issue or just stir the pot?

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This family trip tangle shows how quickly good intentions can miss the mark when inclusion is overlooked. The mother’s stand for Toby prioritizes his dignity over family pressure, but it’s left her labeled as the fun-spoiler. How would you balance a child’s needs with a group vacation? Share your thoughts—what would you do in her shoes?

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