AITA for telling my dad I judge his actions more harshly now that I’m a widowered parent too?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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A young widower’s raw grief collides with his estranged father’s call to “move on” when the two meet, stirring painful memories of how the father remarried quickly after the man’s mother died, sidelining his childhood pain. Declaring he judges his father’s actions more harshly now, the widower vows to shield his own children from similar hurt, sparking a bitter argument that leaves him questioning his words.

This isn’t just a family spat—it’s a heart-wrenching clash of loss and legacy. His fierce devotion to his kids’ well-being wins Reddit’s applause, while his father’s insensitivity draws fire. Like a wedding ring worn through grief, the story probes the enduring weight of love and the scars of neglect.

‘AITA for telling my dad I judge his actions more harshly now that I’m a widowered parent too?’

I (26m) lost my wife, Annie, over a year ago when our two children were only 18 months and 4 years old. She was only 25. I lost my own mom when I was 5 so I have been where my children are and my heart aches for them as well as for myself and for Annie, who so desperately wanted to be here for our kids.

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She lost her own dad when she was 6 so the reality of history repeating hit her incredibly hard before the end. I vowed to her, to myself and to our children that I would not make the same mistakes my dad and her mom made in the aftermath.

I'm mostly estranged from my dad but after Annie died he reached out to tell me he hoped I understood him better and cut him some slack for everything. I didn't respond to him at the time because I was in the most immediate sense of grief still. Today it's still raw but I'm in therapy to try and find peace in my life.

He reached out to me a few more times and he apologized for his initial message. We met up a few days ago per his request. Once he realized I still wear my wedding ring and once he realized I was still grieving, he tried telling me I needed to move on and start looking for love again. This led to tension in the meeting and I told him to drop it or else.

Which is when he started saying he would hope I would see why he remarried so fast after my mom died and why he was so happy with his second wife and why he felt I needed a mother like he was so sure I felt my kids needed. Saying I hated him for being happier and loving his second wife more but I should understand better now.

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I should understand that life has to move on and wanting to embrace a new person fully is not a bad thing. I'm a widowered parent and that should have opened my eyes and made me regret hating him for so long. I told him it didn't work that way. That it only made me judge his actions more harshly. He was stunned to hear this.

He asked me how I was ever going to find someone else to love me and the kids if I'm hung up on Annie and I told him Annie was the love of my life. I told him my children are the other two loves of my life but in a different way to Annie. It's my job to give them safety, security, love and the best life I can make happen. 

told him I would never look my young children in the eye and tell them their mother is dead and they need to get over it and accept a new mother. I will never yell at my children for crying for their mother because it makes the new spouse unhappy. I told him I'm not looking to give them a new mother.

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I'm looking to give them the best version of the dad they have and the best out of this s**tty life we have been given. I told him I will never rub it in their faces the way he did to me that I love someone else way more than I ever loved their mom.

I told him I understand grieving and needing to focus on yourself but not hurting your children by trying to erase the parent they love.. He called me an a**hole and I left. And I wondered since if I was too harsh.. AITA?

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The widower’s sharp rebuke of his father was a justified expression of pain, rooted in his lived experience of childhood neglect and his current grief as a widowed parent. His father’s push to “move on” and justify his rapid remarriage dismisses the son’s ongoing mourning and the unique needs of his young children, revealing a lack of empathy.

A 2022 study in Journal of Family Issues found that 60% of children who lose a parent report long-term emotional impacts when surviving parents prioritize new relationships over their grief (Sage Journals, 2022). Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor, notes, “Widowed parents must prioritize children’s emotional security, honoring the deceased parent’s memory, to foster healing” (CenterForLoss.com). The father’s past actions—yelling at his son for grieving and flaunting a new wife—contrast starkly with the widower’s child-centered approach, amplifying his judgment.

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The father’s stunned reaction and defensive retort suggest guilt or denial, not reflection, while his initial “I told you so” outreach was self-serving. The widower’s therapy and focus on his children’s stability show resilience, but his harsh delivery, while understandable, may deepen their estrangement. Reddit’s support aligns with his protective instincts but overlooks potential for future dialogue.

He should continue therapy to process his grief and consider low-contact boundaries with his father, possibly writing a letter to clarify his stance without confrontation (PsychologyToday.com). If his father shows genuine remorse, a mediated talk could explore reconciliation. Sharing Annie’s memory with his kids through stories or rituals can honor her.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s pouring out heartfelt takes on this grief-driven showdown, with fierce support and a few tears—brace for the raw emotion!

1962Michael - NTA. To be clear your dad is AH for what he did in the last year. He should definitely have allowed you to grieve in your own way and decide on your own whether and when to allow for the possibility of another love. There's an old saying that 'Women grieve, men replace.'

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It obviously does not apply to you, but it does apply to your dad, and many men of his generation and before. It may be that he never loved your mother as much as you love Annie. He's not an AH just because he married someone else, or even to love her more or be happier with her than he was with your mother.

But he is certainly an AH for pointing it out to you and suggesting you do things the way he did. I was divorced, not widowed. My two older kids made it pretty clear they weren't interested in being part of a blended family, once I eventually remarried. My youngest was all about it, for his own reasons.

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I think the important thing is to allow the kids to have whatever relationship they want to have with any eventual step parents, and not try to manufacture a 'Brady Bunch' scenario.. I'm sorry for your losses. Love your children and know you are enough.

yourlittlebirdie - NTA especially after it seems he reached out to you mostly to say “I told you so, now you’ll see” and make your wife’s death about himself rather than offering comfort to his grieving son.. I’m so sorry for your and your children’s loss.

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Esatron - NTA mate and you know it. You owe him nothing while you owe your children, as you said, the best version of yourself. Your father truly has some nerve to come over and tell you how to grieve. Rubbing in how he loves his new wife more than your mother, that's blatantly evil.. My condolences for all the hardship you have had to endure.

Emotional-Horror-718 - ' I will never yell at my children for crying for their mother because it makes the new spouse unhappy.'. Holy crap, NTA.

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WayAny8734 - NTA - I completely understand that everyone grieves differently and we all need different things. But it sounds like your Dad is completely unwilling to realise he may have made any mistakes during that time. I think the fundamental part of parenting is we are going to make mistakes along the way and acknowledge them and apologising for them even if we can't change them is so important for the relationship.

As someone else said you will make mistakes with your children while you grieve but hopefully from your own experience you will be self aware enough to reflect and explore if there is another way to handle things. Sounds like your Dad was hoping you would agree that everything he ever did was the right thing to do and it's safe to say it wasn't the right thing for you.

Drama_Pumpkin - NTA. In future you might date or you might choose to NEVER date.. And BOTH choices are completely ok and healthy. I can't believe how some people try to hang on the phrase 'move on', that they failed to see the beauty of life comes in all forms.

In some cases, some people choose to never move on because they choose to love their significant other in the same intensity even after death. Yes, It's a different type of life choice and only a few choose that path but it's perfectly ok if that's the choice they want to choose..

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My favourite quote is The only unhealthy grief is unexpressed grief. It's not one fit for everyone. Someone will come out of their grief by adding new love to their life and someone will choose to never do that but will add more friends and family while keeping their lost love alive in their own way.

Both ways needs courage and both choices should be respected equally. I'm a widow who chose to never date and in this 11 years I used to get many backlashes and some come in disguise of CARE. Those who really care for us will try to understand us and our boundaries. If not, the problem is them , not us.

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Whenever people try ask me why I didn't 'move on', this is my response. I lost too many things and the last thing I won't lose is the right to love him the way I want.. It's your life! Live your way as you wish and that's the only way you can survive the grief.. All the best!

AstronomerDirect2487 - NTA my best friend went through something quite similar when her mom got cancer and passed away 6 months later. 3 months after she died her dad starting dating and less than a year he was re married. He outwardly boasted about how happy he was and how he had a second chance at life and how my friends mom was toxic.

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Like seriously what are these guys thinking. How you work through your grief throughout your life is a journey of your own and the best he can do is support that. No one knows what will happen. But for right now feeling what you’re feeling isn’t wrong.

Open-Incident-3601 - NTA. That AH really called to say “I told you so, now you’ll see that I was the hero” instead of supporting his child. That’s enough there to never have contact again.

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venturebirdday - NTA. Peace to you my friend. Decades have passed and still your father sees himself as the victim. He was cruel because it suited him to be so. You were not cruel but you were honest. He used his power to diminish you and you are using yours to shelter your children.. Maybe lose his number?

LouisV25 - NTA. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾Bravo You weren’t harsh at all. I would have been much more harsh. My mom died when I was 13 and I had a Dad like you. I promise you are on the right path. My father remarried but made sure there was NO new mommy narrative.

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Our family blended nicely without the “we are one no one else exists” drama. My Dad put us first and like us, I’m sure your kids will love, admire, and respect you for it. My condolences. I wish you healing. Dad is selfish. Stay low contact until he has something positive to add to you and your children’s lives.

These are Reddit’s most poignant opinions, but do they map the full journey of loss and love?

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This saga of a widower’s stand and a father’s misstep is a searing portrait of grief shaping family bonds. Reddit cheers the man’s vow to protect his children, slamming his father’s callous push to move on. It’s a stark reminder that love endures through loss, but empathy must guide healing. How would you confront a parent’s past wrongs while grieving? Share your thoughts below—let’s unravel this heartfelt drama!

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