[UPDATE] AITA for yelling at my mother?

In a tense household, a 17-year-old cancer survivor faced her mother’s unyielding refusal to apologize for a cruel jab: that she must “make up” for chores missed during her childhood leukemia battle. Months later, the rift deepened as the mother deflected blame, wielded financial control, and left the teen grappling with depression and a looming college deadline. Therapy offered a lifeline, but the mother’s grip tightened, threatening to cut funding and shelter.

This update to a viral Reddit saga reveals a young woman’s fight for mental health amid family dysfunction. For those who want to read the previous part: AITA for yelling at my mother when she said that I had to “make up” for all the chores I missed out on when I had cancer? Her struggle raises a burning question: is her push for therapy and autonomy justified, or should she bend to her parents’ demands? Third-person narration unpacks this emotional standoff, exploring a teen’s resilience against a backdrop of control.

‘[UPDATE] AITA for yelling at my mother?’

I ended up getting into a big fight with my mother over the summer, and she kept deflecting and refused to take any blame for anything. The fight wasn’t just about the last post; it also included controlling behaviors (like the hairdryer post) and other things that I felt she needed to acknowledge.

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The issue is that she’s never apologized to me before EVER, and she still refused to. I even admitted that I was wrong on some things and tried to compromise, but she didn’t relent. So I told her that if she wasn’t going to put an effort into fixing our relationship, I’d need a therapist (again) to talk to about our issues.

I phrased it as a “I need help because something is wrong with ME” sort of thing so she’d be more likely to agree, and she did. I’ve been doing Zoom therapy sessions (bc I live in the USA and we are still on lockdown. Joy.) and my therapist is great. She listens and offers advice.

The only issue is that the things she says I need to do to fix things w my mother haven’t been working (again, because my mother CANNOT apologize for ANYTHING). So I’m kind of upset about that. But it’s nice to have someone to talk to.

I think I’ve realized that things are just gonna keep continuing like they are, with my mother doing messed up stuff and refusing to apologize, and I can’t really do anything about it.One other small thing: my parents started holding money over my head recently in a “if you don’t do what we want, we aren’t paying for your college and we are kicking you out of the house as soon as you’re 18” sort of way.

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So that’s kind of fucked up. I’m stuck between financial security and mental health security until I’m in and out of college. So like 5 years roughly. And I gotta choose financial security unfortunately. Meaning they’re gonna be in control of my life for a while (because idk what I can do at this point).. Thank you to everyone who commented and offered advice. It means a lot that people read my post. 

This family saga is a stark portrait of emotional neglect colliding with a teen’s quest for agency. The mother’s refusal to apologize for blaming her daughter’s cancer-related chore lapses reveals a deeper pattern of control, now amplified by financial threats. The teen’s choice to seek therapy, framing it as her own “problem,” was a savvy move to navigate her mother’s defensiveness, but the lack of progress underscores a toxic dynamic.

The parents’ threat to withhold college funding and evict her at 18 is a form of coercive control, with 40% of teens in dysfunctional families facing similar financial manipulation, per Child Trends. Her depression diagnosis and part-time jobs show resilience, but the mother’s unapologetic stance risks long-term relational damage. The teen’s high SAT score and scholarships are steps toward independence, yet financial realities tether her to her parents’ demands.

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Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, notes, “Parents who refuse accountability often use control to maintain power” . The mother’s behavior—dismissing the cancer trauma and escalating to financial ultimatums—fits this pattern, leaving the teen to balance survival and selfhood. Her therapy is a critical tool, though a new therapist specializing in family trauma might better equip her to set boundaries.

For solutions, the teen should continue therapy and explore college counseling for unclaimed scholarships or work-study programs, like the Starbucks College Achievement Plan mentioned by Redditors. Opening a private savings account, as advised, can build a safety net. She could also confide in a trusted teacher or counselor about her home situation to access local resources. Long-term, “grey rocking”—minimizing emotional reactions to her parents’ provocations—could reduce conflict until she’s financially independent. A strategic plan now can secure her future, so exploring financial aid options is a smart next step.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit community swarmed this update like a virtual support rally, offering empathy and practical tips with fierce solidarity. It was like a digital lifeline where strangers became allies in the teen’s corner. Here’s the unfiltered pulse from the crowd:

pythiadelphine − I'm so sorry. I was in a similar position when I was your age. I stuck things out with them, and my folks paid for college. My only suggestion is that you make sure that you stick with your treatment because it is going to be stressful to have your parents holding tuition over your head.

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I ended up developing a pretty severe mental health issues because of how my parents jerked me around about money, and to deal that; I drank a lot. We've been estranged for a decade because we never worked our s**t out. You seem like a good kid and a child that I would be proud of. I hope things work out for you.

mphsnative − There's nothing better than your parents telling you that their love and support comes with strings attached.

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gonzaliz − parents now holding money over my head as incentive to do what they want, and if I don’t comply they kick me out at 18 and don’t pay for college. OP, just wanted to let you know, not all hope is lost. I'm pretty sure UPS will pay for your college in full if you set up a scholarship with them, in turn for working.

Although, I'm pretty sure that would be overnight shifts. There are probably lots of other companies who would do the same. Also, you will get a lot more money from FAFSA if you don't have your parents income on it, if they do decide to cut you off.

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With that in mind, make sure you complete the FAFSA in October EVERY YEAR. Depending on what state you're in, it may be on a first come first served bases meaning the money can run out. Another good resource is your school counselor, go to them to talk about scholarships you could qualify for,

and maybe even get help on completing the FAFSA. If you feel comfortable, even tell them about your family situation as well, and specify if you want them to contact your parents or not. I also worked at Chipotle for a bit, if you have some in your area, they do provide some money for certain schools. Unfortunately they didn't cover the school I went to.

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Since your situation with your parents is so sensitive, I recommend reaching out to another family member or relative as an emergency contact. When you go to college, in the off chance that you do need to apply for loans, you might have to have a cosigner.

Although, you mentioned not needing to worry about that for another 5 years, so you may be able to build your credit. In the chance that you will need loans, look into loan forgiveness as well. As a college student I've also gotten a lot of ads for this website called Mos, and some students have allegedly been able to get more money from the FAFSA.

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I don't know if it is legit though. When you do go to college, get in touch with your financial aid office. There are always going to be scholarships that go unclaimed and ones you may qualify for. Another thing, start saving now.

I recommend opening up a saving account with a whole different bank other than your primary, so you can't easily transfer money from your savings into your checking, and your parents won't be able to touch it either. Being able to transfer money from my savings into my checking at the click of a button is what drained my account. Don't be me.

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Also, for mental health reasons, some colleges have counseling centers, provide health insurance, and health clinics. Look into that, and make sure you know what exactly your college tuition will cover. There could be tons of resources you could use that you aren't aware of.

If you qualify for work study, do that too, you can apply to your tuition or get paid for it. It could be an easy access job if you don't have a car and live on campus. Living on campus is also another way for you to have shelter if your parents do kick you out.

If your mental health starts being a big issue in the future, I know that some health insurances have plans or resources for that. I think Passport or Anthem? When I started having frequent hospital stays for mental health I started getting calls from one of those two.

Also, depending on the severity of your mental health and your mental health diagnosis, you could qualify for some disability assistance when you turn 18. Both from the government for money, or from school, for extended testing time, flexibility with attendance, deadlines, etc.

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That's about all I have for now, it's mostly just related to college because I am a student. The situation with your parents really sucks, and honestly, infuriates me. But just know, if you are having problems, there are probably qualified people out there who can help you.

Remember, google is your friend, just make sure nothing is a scam. Try to stick to government sites, and university sites depending on what you're looking for.. Edit: Also, sorry for the wall of text. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

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[Reddit User] − Hugs. I am also a cancer survivor. My mom is similar to your mom in some ways but she's also the opposite in others. She became very overprotective after my cancer, but after reading your post, I'm glad that I didn't have to deal with that s**t.

But she does refer to it as 'when I was sick.' She lost all of her coping skills when I was sick, which it sounds like your mom did as well. My mom started drinking heavily. It seems like your mom chose suppression and just pretending to didn't happen.

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I, too, had to make the choice between financial security and mental health security (more because of my dad than my mom, but my mom was always too drunk to help). Until a year ago, I chose the $$$. But i really wish I hadn't.

My dad made it seem like I couldn't possibly live without their financial support and held it over my head so I would always do what made him happy/look good. But I was dying on the inside. In the past year, I've dropped out of school, gone on medical assistance, been evicted, and so many other things that my dad hates and led me to believe would make me a bad person/be impossible/whatnot.

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I've also been finally getting the help I need in terms of trauma therapy and learning how my family technically abused me. So despite all the s**t, I'm the most at peace I've ever been. Please do not sacrifice your mental health for what your parents want you to believe is financial security.

They're going to eat your soul in the process, gradually adding more and more conditions until you lose sight of who you are as a person. There are resources out there to help you get through college. There are people willing to help if you just ask.

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My dad always made it seem like no one would help because people only help when it benefits them. While often true, friends usually step up. If they truly do kick you out (which I'm guessing is a ruse more about control), you might be surprised how many of your friends have an open couch/bedroom. Please don't let your parents make you feel like you have no way out.

LadyKillerCroft − I didn't get to see your original post, but I wanted to add my two cents as someone who once spent a lot of time in the pediatric oncology ward of a hospital. I could *never* imagine my mother throwing the illness that nearly killed me back in my face like that.

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If I ever used my illness against her in an argument I feel like lightning would strike me down. Just know that kind of behavior is *not* normal. Also, there are a lot of niche scholarships that you can apply for--ALL-specific, childhood oncology specific, or even limited by your area. Take advantage of them!

The-Book-Thief-1995 − Hey, could you find another therapist? It sounds like this one (while being really helpful as a person to talk to) might not understand your issues. But any therapist is better than no therapist.

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I think you need to open your own independent bank account asap and just save money until you can support yourself. Keep safe and remember venting your problems, even to a bunch of strangers on the internet, is better than bottling them up

CanIHaveMyDog − You have an excellent attitude and it sounds like the therapist is helping you manage the things you cannot change. As others have said, plan your escape route, make sure your brother knows you're there for him even if you're not physically there, and build your life. I wish you so much success and happiness!

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chumisapenguin − This is super late to comment, but I hope you see it. There are ways to get out of the house earlier. Something I recently found out about is Starbucks College Achievement Plan. Basically, if you work for a Starbucks they will pay for you to go to ASU online. It's a cool program. This is just one example, but there are many programs out there. Don't automatically resign yourself to a bad situation..

Mindtaker − Start looking into grey rocking your parents. Since you can't control their actions and you are choosing to live under their thumb (FOR VALID REASONS) for the next few years. Your best bet is to learn to control how YOU react to them.

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Grey rocking is a great technique for narcissists and will work on people like your parents as well. It won't fix anything, it won't stop them from being s**tty, but it will give you SOME control over how you react and what you present to them when they are s**tty to you.. Good luck, hope you get through it ok.

Carbonatite − My parents did something veeeery similar to yours. Please avail yourself of free counseling at your college. Not because there's anything wrong with you (there isn't), but because abusive parents are experts at making children feel responsible for their own shortcomings. It's nice to talk to someone to get a reality check to remind you that your mom is the problem, not you!

Redditors cheered the teen’s therapy and scholarships, condemning her parents’ financial threats as abusive. Many shared personal stories of escaping controlling families, urging her to prioritize mental health over financial “security.” Practical advice, like FAFSA tips and job programs, aimed to empower her exit strategy. Do these voices light the path, or just echo the pain?

This teen’s saga reveals the heavy toll of a parent’s refusal to heal old wounds, piling financial control onto a cancer survivor’s shoulders. Her therapy and scholarships mark a defiant step toward freedom, but her parents’ strings threaten to pull her back. Whether you’re Team Teen or see the parents’ perspective, it’s a stark reminder that love shouldn’t come with ultimatums. Have you ever faced a family dynamic that forced you to choose between security and self? Share your stories—what would you do in this control clash?

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