AITA for telling my sister in law not to add a slab of butter to her hotdogs in front of my 7 year old?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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At a sunny backyard barbecue, the sizzle of hotdogs filled the air, but a quiet request stirred up a storm. A mother, keen to shield her 7-year-old daughter from unhealthy eating habits, privately asked her sister-in-law, Barb, to add her usual heap of butter to her hotdog buns out of sight.

Barb’s fiery response—accusing the mom of fat-shaming and parenting flaws—turned a simple plea into a heated family rift. This tale of clashing values and protective instincts dives into the messy heart of family dynamics and child-rearing choices. Let’s dive deeper into the story below.

‘AITA for telling my sister in law not to add a slab of butter to her hotdogs in front of my 7 year old?’

My sister in law call her Barb, has a habit of putting butter and mayo on her food. Like it’s not uncommon when she eats a white sauce pasta she will add a half a stick of butter to her plate and have it melt in or if she is eating biscuits from Popeyes to dip it in melted butter as well. My daughter is now 7 and we don't want her to pick up any unhealthy habits.

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My husband was making hot dogs and I know Barb was going to add butter to her hot dog buns (my husband already adds some and toasts them but again she was going to add A LOT More). I pull her to the side and I am like hey Barb, do you mind adding the butter to your hot dogs in the kitchen, I don't want Emily (my daughter) to start doing it too.

She then is like, you are putting your 7 year old daughter on a diet? I am like no, we know that she likes to copy people especially adults and we would rather not have her do that. Barb is then like why? so she won't become fat like me! and starts raising her voice. She says that there is nothing wrong with being fat, and that I am giving my daughter an eating disorder by restricting her.

She then brings up the fact that she is a nurse, and that she knows more than doctors. And guarantees me the anxiety and depression I am creating by preventing her from eating what she wants is way more harmful than whatever cholesterol a little bit of butter would give her.

And that she (Emily) should be able to make her own decisions that if she wants to eat hotdogs with butter she can eat hotdogs with butter. I am like Barb, if you have kids and want to teach them to do that, that is fine, but please respect my wishes.

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Barb gets angry and confronts my husband, my husband talks to Barb, and eventually she just packs some of the food from the grill and leaves. Was I wrong here? If my daughter was 10, I wouldn't mind at all but these are crucial ages. And I just asked her to do it in the kitchen, not to not do it at all.

The mother’s discreet request for Barb to butter her hotdogs in the kitchen reflects a protective parenting instinct, aiming to model healthy eating for her impressionable daughter. Barb’s defensive escalation, accusing the mom of fostering an eating disorder, suggests sensitivity to perceived judgment, possibly tied to her own dietary choices. The confrontation reveals a clash of personal freedom versus collective responsibility.

Children’s eating habits are heavily influenced by adults. A 2020 study in the Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior found that young children often mimic adult food choices, particularly from family members. The mother’s concern about her daughter copying Barb’s excessive butter use is valid, especially at a formative age, though her approach may have felt confrontational to Barb.

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Pediatric dietitian Dr. Jill Castle advises, “Parents should guide children’s eating habits without shaming others’ choices, focusing on positive role-modeling”. The mother’s intent was sound, but pulling Barb aside privately could have been framed as a collaborative request to avoid defensiveness. Barb’s claim of medical expertise as a nurse, however, oversteps, as her dietary habits contradict health guidelines.

To resolve this, the mother could initiate a calm family discussion, clarifying her intent was child-focused, not personal, and invite Barb to share her perspective. If tensions linger, a neutral mediator could help align family values. This story highlights the challenge of balancing parenting goals with respecting others’ autonomy, urging tactful communication to mend family ties.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s community was divided, with many supporting the mother’s polite request as a reasonable effort to protect her daughter from unhealthy habits. They viewed Barb’s outburst as an overreaction, driven by personal insecurity rather than the mom’s intent, emphasizing the importance of modeling balanced eating for kids.

Others felt the mother overstepped, arguing Barb’s eating is her choice and parenting should focus on teaching the child directly, not controlling others. Some criticized Barb’s aggressive response, noting it escalated unnecessarily. These views reflect the tension between individual freedom and parental responsibility in shaping a child’s habits.

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[Reddit User] − YTA.. It's on you to parent your kid, not on Barb. A lot of people have bad habits, it's on you to teach your daughter not to copy each bad habits she sees in other people.

AbbyFB6969 − NTA. NOBODY TOLD BARB NOT TO PILE TONS OF BUTTER ON HER FOOD. NOBODY. OP politely asked her to do it in the kitchen, so her impressionable child would not start imitating an unhealthy eating habit.

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THAT'S ALL IT WAS, IT WAS NOT A HATE MONGERING TIRADE AGAINST UNHEALTHY, DISORDERED EATING. It was a request not to make a display of it in front of a child. I think some of you are deliberately misunderstanding what was written or simply did not read the actual post.

Complete-Proposal729 − NTA You made this request in as polite a way as possible. Pulling her aside so as not to embarrass her, suggest buttering it in the kitchen, etc. I think it’s not good to overly restrict kids diets but you are doing no such thing. You’re just trying to model healthy habits

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FLKaren − YTA - I personally think adding butter to hotdogs is disgusting with mayo being only slightly less disgusting. that being said you don't get to control what, or how, other people eat. It is your job as a parent to control your child's behavior. Should the adults in the room not have a beer with their hot dogs to prevent your child from drinking one?

therenegadegoose − NTA— It would be the same as if you didn’t want her to watch someone smoking cigarettes, so she doesn’t think it’s healthy. It isn’t. The adult smoking the cigarette has the choice to do so, but asking them not to in front of your kid isn’t a bad thing. It’s the same with unhealthy eating habits.

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[Reddit User] − YTA. What barb does with her own food is her own business. Emily is your child and your responsibility, not barbs. So you bring her up to understand the importance of balance when it comes to food, if she understands that she can make better decisions for herself.

Rooster_Local − ESH. Your child, even at 7, is going to witness a lot of different eating habits. She most likely already is at school since parents can pack very different lunches for their kids.. You don’t have the right to police how other people eat or try to force them to hide themselves.

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That said, Barb did not need to lecture you on the matter either. She should have just politely explained that that is how she likes her food, and that doesn’t mean it is right for a 7 year old.

the_one_54321 − NTA. Assuming that your description of the conversation is accurate, you did not body shame. You are discouraging unhealthy habits in your daughter, like a good parent should. Your SIL is going to die of heart failure. Sooner, more so than later. That's not an issue of shame or judgement.

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She is deluding herself over her behavior, and honestly she should probably seek therapy to process what drives her eating habits and why she creates justifications for them instead of seeking to improve them.

Adding a half stick of butter to *your individual plate of food* is not healthy, or even generally approaching normalcy. If you saw someone who couldn't stop themselves from taking drugs, you would intervene. If someone in your family was addicted to cigarettes, you might insist that they smoke outside.

Your SIL is slowly killing herself with food. To anyone here that is saying it's her choice to eat how she wants, self harm is almost never a choice, but a symptom of psychological trauma. Eating the way this woman does *is self harm.*

MicIsOn − Yta. I can just tell that your tone and words were way more condescending than what you’re making out. Parent your child into the choices you want her to make, you cannot control the world to suit you.

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kittylemewmew − NTA. First, nurses DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN DOCTORS. That type of thinking needs to stop. Second, if she truly is a nurse then she should know that unhealthy eating habits would lead to more than just getting fat.

Having a heart attack because you arteries are clogged is not a good way to go. Third, keep your kid away from her. You're right in that she's an impressionable child that should not be allowed to be near people who do not take their health seriously.

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This barbecue blowup exposes the delicate dance of parenting amidst family quirks. The mother’s effort to shield her daughter clashed with Barb’s defensive pride, leaving a rift where understanding could heal. Their story calls for empathy and clear boundaries, ideally sorted over a shared meal, minus the butter drama.

Have you navigated family clashes over parenting choices? Share your insights below and let’s explore how love and tact can bridge these tender, human divides.

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