My boyfriend (M37) says I (F30) want to have my cake and eat it?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy apartment bathed in the golden glow of late afternoon, a woman’s phone buzzes with excitement as she plans a sleepover to lift her best friend’s spirits. But the warmth of her intentions cools when her boyfriend’s voice crackles through the line, tinged with disappointment, accusing her of wanting to “have her cake and eat it.” At 30, she’s caught in a tug-of-war between her vibrant social circle and a partner who craves her undivided attention.

This clash of priorities isn’t just a lovers’ spat—it’s a universal struggle to balance romance with the ties that ground us. Her story, shared on Reddit, has sparked heated discussions about love, boundaries, and the cost of keeping everyone happy. As she navigates her boyfriend’s demands, readers are left wondering: can she honor her relationships without losing herself?

‘My boyfriend (M37) says I (F30) want to have my cake and eat it?’

My boyfriend ( M37 ) and I ( F30 ) have been dating for 8 months. Things can sometimes be tumultuous but we generally have a good time together, we have similar values and treat each other well. We have a reoccurring challenge that I frame as a lack of community from him and that he frames as a lack of prioritisation on my side.

I let him know that I will be at a sleepover with my best friends on the weekend since one of them isn’t having a great time and we’d like to cheer her up. I could hear his disappointment over the phone when he said ‘I don’t operate as someone in a relationship and I want to have my cake and eat it since I should be hanging out with him over the weekend’.

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I spent the whole of last weekend with him, I saw him during the week, we talk for at least an hour everyday multiple times throughout the day and I will be spending some time next week on a holiday I planned for us.

I’m struggling with fulfilling his time needs because my other relationships with my friends and family are important to me. How do I maintain my other relationships while also helping my partner feel fulfilled that he’s also a priority and important to me?

Relationships thrive on balance, but this woman’s story reveals how quickly harmony can tip into conflict. Her boyfriend’s accusation of wanting to “have her cake and eat it” suggests a deeper insecurity, framing her friendships as a threat rather than a strength. This dynamic raises red flags about control and emotional dependency, common issues in romantic partnerships.

From his perspective, her time with friends might feel like a rejection, especially if he lacks his own social network. Yet, her commitment to friends and family is not only healthy but essential. According to a 2021 study by the American Psychological Association, strong social ties outside romantic relationships boost mental health and resilience (APA, 2021). Her boyfriend’s demand for exclusivity risks isolating her, a tactic often linked to controlling behavior.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “A partner who respects your individuality fosters a stronger bond than one who demands your entire world” (Gottman Institute). His insight underscores the woman’s right to maintain her “emotional ecosystem,” as one Redditor put it. Her boyfriend’s insecurity, while human, shouldn’t override her autonomy.

To move forward, she could set clear boundaries, explaining that her friendships enrich her life and, by extension, their relationship. Couples therapy or open dialogue might help him address his insecurities without monopolizing her time.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of fiery takes and sage advice. Here’s what the community had to say:

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Cultural_Shape3518 − 'My other relationships with my friends and family are important to me. That means I cannot promise you all of my weekends simply because you are my boyfriend. If that's going to be a problem, then this isn't going to work.' Your boyfriend's almost 40. He's too old to be acting entitled to right of first refusal over your time. If he's not willing to accept that you do have other priorities, then I don't think your values are as in alignment as you think they are.

nonniewobbles − I started typing a response trying to gently point out the red flags. Checked your history. You know the red flags. Because you've posted about this before, you recognized that you're in an unhealthy relationship, and now you're back here asking the same question without context.

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At 8 months you should each still think the other person shits glitter and rainbows. Like, on some level you understand that 'we have our ups and downs like any other relationship!' for someone you've been with 8 months is WILD, right?. Anyway. Just going to repeat it for you again:. * he's trying to isolate you from your support system

* he's trying to train you to put his wants above your needs and make you feel like you're in the wrong if you're not catering to him. * there's always, always a reason why these guys go for younger women. This doesn't get better. It ends when you decide to leave, or it continues with you constantly giving him little pieces of your safety, your freedom, your self-confidence, the people and things you loved that aren't him. Up to you.

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corpseflower24 − This is not “having your cake and eating it too.” This is normal friend behavior, that is healthy, and your partner should encourage you to maintain your friendships. Boyfriend sounds controlling and insecure. Having your cake and eating it too would be if you were like cheating or acting single somehow- does he simply think the sleepover part is inappropriate? Weird

designgrl − Your friends and family aren’t “extras” to be squeezed in after your romantic relationship. They’re part of your emotional ecosystem. If a relationship requires you to shrink that to make someone else feel secure, it might not be the right fit unless that security can be built together.

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Motchiko − That’s a term usually used for cheaters but you aren’t cheating if you have friends and take care of your social life. Does he have friends? Don’t be his everything. It’s gonna be exhausting real soon.

You boyfriend isn’t a needy kid. You aren’t responsible for his emotional state. You are only responsible for your own and you do need friends to be stable. You maintain your friendships by having boundaries with your boyfriend.

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CountingJoes − Stop. You don’t need to do anything whatsoever, HE does. Of course people in healthy relationships have other friends that they spend time with. Your boyfriend sounds insecure and controlling, don’t let him convince you that you’re the problem.

And you don’t need to do anything to help him feel prioritised - you’re already seeing him plenty, this is a ‘him’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem to fix. You make it clear that you will not allow him to monopolise your time, you absolutely are ‘operating as someone in a relationship’ and he needs to grow up or leave. Maybe he should get some friends of his own to spend time with. Absolutely ridiculous of him, don’t tolerate it.

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whydoyou_caresomuch − You just need to be firm in your boundaries and make it clear that your other relationships are also a priority to you. If he can’t handle this then maybe he is just not the guy for you. At 37 years old he should be mature enough to not try and isolate you from everyone you love.

It sounds like he wants you all to himself which is incredibly unhealthy. His lack of community is not your problem. Honestly, this sounds like it could escalate. Men like this won’t stop until you have no one but them. I truly hope you don’t let him do that to you and the other relationships you value.

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MaggieLuisa − He’s simply wrong. He’s not entitled to every second of your free time. Having other priorities as well as your relationship isn’t a fault, and he’s acting like you *never* put him before friends or family, which is obviously not the case. His expectations are unreasonable.

False-Fall-6995 − No one person can be someone else’s entire social life. That’s not the way humans work.

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DivineSunshine − Your BF is trying to isolate you. He is manipulative and is doing it intentionally. I don't say this lightly. This is a major red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩. You need to move on before you waste too much time with BF.

These opinions range from calling out red flags to urging firm boundaries, but do they capture the full picture? The internet’s quick to judge, yet real-life relationships are rarely black-and-white.

This woman’s struggle reminds us that love shouldn’t mean losing your village. Her boyfriend’s expectations clash with her need for connection, leaving her at a crossroads. Can they find a middle ground, or is this a sign of deeper incompatibility? The Reddit hive mind leans toward red flags, but every story has layers. What would you do if your partner demanded all your time? Share your experiences and wisdom below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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