Just found out my boyfriend was an incel – reposted from AITA

A cozy DnD session filled with laughter and dice rolls sets the stage for a love story—until a chilling revelation rolls a critical fail. For one woman, a year of blissful dating crumbles when a friend reveals her boyfriend’s past as an incel, spewing misogyny on Reddit’s dark corners. His old posts, dripping with disdain for women, clash with the kind man she knows, leaving her heart in a tug-of-war.

Can love survive a toxic past? This Reddit saga dives into a whirlwind of trust, betrayal, and second chances. Was she wrong to consider ending it over his pre-relationship sins, or is his history a dealbreaker? Let’s explore this emotional dungeon and see what lies beyond.

‘Just found out my boyfriend was an incel – reposted from AITA’

I met my boyfriend through a local DnD Facebook page. We started talking every day over Messenger and pretty soon we were meeting up to continue our conversations in person. We had a lot of stuff in common, and I thought he was really funny, and I just enjoyed his company. We started dating and we’ve been dating for nearly a year.

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We moved in together in May. However, yesterday I found out from one of our DnD friends that he used to comment on r/Braincels . He brought it up in a “good for him for moving on” way but holy f**k. I only knew about incels from the guy that killed all those people a few years back.

I managed to get the friend to tell me the account name (he got really uncomfortable and asked me not to tell my boyfriend) and although he never said anything violent, my boyfriend repeatedly called girls derogatory names, said we were inferior, we were whores, we would never date a short ugly man like him, etc.

His last post he mentioned that he was talking to a “foid” and that she was actually showing interest. I think he meant me. He was going through a really hard time this past year, not in a good mental place, but I don’t think that excuses all the sexist and gross things he said about women.

He’s never shown any misogyny towards me or anyone else, but how do I know he doesn’t still feel that way? Would I be the a**hole for dumping him over something that happened pre-our relationship? Should I give him a chance to explain? I love him and I don’t know if I can be objective if he asks me to sympathize with him. But I also don’t think I can continue to be with him knowing he things I’m not deserving of the same respect as men.

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Added info from last post: he’s never done anything I consider a red flag, but I also have been blind to warning signs in past relationships, and he never told me about his misogynistic history. I feel like my trust has been breached.. Do I end things? Give him the chance to talk? Or give him a chance?

Discovering a partner’s past as an incel is like finding a crack in a foundation you thought was solid. The woman’s shock stems from her boyfriend’s misogynistic Reddit posts, which clash with his current kindness, raising fears that those beliefs linger. His failure to disclose this history feels like a betrayal, while the friend’s revelation adds a layer of mistrust. She’s caught between love and the specter of his former self.

A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that online subcultures like incel forums can reinforce toxic beliefs, but individuals can change through positive relationships. His shift from r/Braincels to a loving partner suggests growth, but residual attitudes could persist without introspection.

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Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Trust is rebuilt through honest, vulnerable conversations.” Gottman’s advice points to a non-confrontational talk to explore his reasons for joining, leaving, and current views. If he’s defensive or dismissive, it’s a red flag.

She should observe his behavior—does he respect her boundaries or expect rewards for kindness? If trust can’t be restored, parting ways may be healthiest.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit dove into this one like adventurers into a dragon’s lair, offering a mix of caution, empathy, and sharp wit. Is the boyfriend’s past a shadow he’s escaped, or a warning of deeper issues? Here’s what the community brought to the table:

john-q-everyman − The best you can do is bring it to his attention and see what he has to say for himself. From there, you can decide if he's a changed person or if he's been disingenuous. If he gets overly defensive and tries to turn it on you for finding out without ever addressing what was said directly, it might be time for a break. Edit1: 'bring it to his attention' is meant to be non-comfrontational.

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Edit2: the last sentence is an entire reaction, both being OVERLY defensive in conjunction with not addressing everything said or lashing out. Being defensive alone is a reasonable reaction, but becomes unreasonable when you lash out or dismiss the person talking to you because of it.

[Reddit User] − When was his last post on the subreddit?

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LUCKYHUSBAND0311 − what the hell is a foid?

PunishedFabled − I would say their is a risk, people who've never been in a romantic relationship harbor very specific views until they're in one. Basically incels stop being incels when they finally start dating. A lot of views you have can change in a relationship. People do complete 180s when they enter a relationship.

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However some ideas run deep. Incels usually believe they deserve s**, and you should reward an incel with s** because he brought you flowers/payed for dinner/hung out with your friends/etc. If you see this sort of behavior its definitely a red flag.

romaniansm − \ He brought it up in a “good for him for moving on '. sounds malicious

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nnnm_33 − His friend wants to tuck you

Guilty_Coconut − I used to be part of the PUA community and at times was dangerously close to joining an incel forum. I managed to get out of that thing and it appears your boyfriend also got away from that toxic place. For me, the reason to leave was because I like women too much, I couldn't stand the misogyny on PUA boards. It might be useful to know why exactly your boyfriend left.

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People change. I think that's a good thing. If your boyfriend really moved on from the women-h**red, that's a good thing. If he still has residual resentment, that'd be a red flag. I suggest talking with him. What braincel was like for him, why he was on there, why he left and what parts of it he still believes to be relevant to his life.

137free − Ask him if he truly was that (incel) or is he’s jus an Un confident loser who needed a place to vent. Regardless though, I never like the people who blame society for their problems like incels seem to do. They are fake ass people who can’t accept themselves.

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Pascalle112 − As others have said you don’t know for 100% that is his account, I also wouldn’t directly ask him about if for several reasons: 1. You’ll put him in defense mode, if it’s not his account then can you imagine what being accused of that would do?. 2. If you straight up ask he can straight up lie.. 3. Zero proof that it is in fact his account..

What I would do however is start taking more notice of his words and actions.. * How does he react if you don’t want s**? Pressure, begging, manipulation, ignores your wishes completely?. * Does he apply pressure or expectations of s** or s** acts after a date or gift.. * What’s his humor like?

Does he make sexist remarks but claims it’s a joke?. * Does he have female friends? Is he respectful to them?. * How does he treat the women in his family?. * What’s the division of labour in your home like?. * Does he refer to anything as women’s work?. Strongly consider the source of this information.

You can try outright asking him but again you have no proof and if I was a man, treating a woman well who suddenly accused me of being a sexist, misogynistic, a**hole I would be offended. If you’ve considered all that and you just can’t trust him then you’re going to have to break up. Even if he tells you it wasn’t him then or he’s changed it’s not going to work (based on your post).

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Blow_me_pleaseD1 − It would honestly help if we knew how old he is.

These Reddit takes are a treasure trove, but do they light the path forward or muddy the waters?

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This tale of love tested by a dark digital past reminds us that people can change, but trust hinges on transparency. The woman’s dilemma—stay or go—reflects the challenge of balancing love with self-respect. Can a relationship survive such a revelation, or is it a quest doomed to fail? Have you ever faced a partner’s hidden history? Drop your wisdom in the comments and let’s keep this adventure rolling!

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