AITA – told mom she can bill me using the tuition money she stole from me?

In a quiet family cottage nestled by a serene lake, a long-buried secret festers. A 33-year-old man, let’s call him Jake, stands at the edge of a family rift, his heart heavy with old wounds. Years ago, his mother’s betrayal left him drowning in student loans, a truth he hid to shield his father. Now, her audacious demand for cottage maintenance cash reopens the scar, sparking a confrontation that’s both cathartic and messy.

Jake’s story, shared on Reddit, isn’t just about money—it’s about trust shattered and the courage to finally speak up. As readers, we’re drawn into his world, wondering: how do you forgive a parent who stole your future? With a mix of hurt and defiance, Jake’s tale invites us to ponder family loyalty, buried truths, and the cost of keeping silent.

‘AITA – told mom she can bill me using the tuition money she stole from me?’

When I (m33) was preparing to go to uni, my mom confessed that there was no tuition money for me. Through the years my dad would give her cash to deposit but she only did the first one. She spent the rest. TBH I wasn't even surprised. I was used to being disappointed by her. She promised that she would 'pay me back' and asked that I never tell me dad.

So for four years I thanked them for the tuition money while I took out loans. For reasons to do with her n**cissism, I have an arms length relationship with her, but she would say we're pretty close as she assumes my smiling and nodding while she drones on about the same stories is a relationship. We have a family cottage that she puts above everything else.

She lives there about 90 days of the year. I've been going there with my gf for about 4 days for a couple summers which she begrudges as it takes away from her time. My dad supports my going which is how I pull it off. She recently told me that it was time for me to start paying for some of the maintenance on the cottage since I use it. She actually suggested 1k which is wildly disproportionate.

I told her she could take it out of the tuition IOU and we could negotiate the amount with dad. She was speechless. She texted me later to say that it manipulative to bring up the tuition and to threaten to tell dad. It went on and on. I've been thinking about it and First, I'm hurt/offended that she can't just do a nice thing for me, she has to get something for it.. Second, I guess I'm not really over the whole tuition thing..

Edited to add: at the time, it never occurred to me that I should have told him. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting both of them. That pretty much summarizes my childhood.

Jake’s story is a stark reminder that family secrets can erode trust like rust on iron. His mother’s theft of tuition funds, coupled with her recent demand for cottage maintenance, highlights a pattern of financial manipulation. According to Dr. Lindsay Gibson, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissistic family dynamics, “Parents who prioritize their own needs over their children’s often create a legacy of mistrust” (source: Psychology Today). Jake’s silence protected his father but left him carrying the emotional and financial burden alone.

From his mother’s perspective, her demand for cottage payments might stem from a skewed sense of entitlement, possibly tied to her attachment to the property. Yet, Jake’s retort—deduct it from the tuition debt—was a boundary-setting move, albeit laced with justified sarcasm. This clash reflects a broader issue: financial abuse within families. A 2021 study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that 99% of domestic abuse cases involve some form of financial control (source: NDVH).

Dr. Gibson’s advice resonates here: “Healing begins with acknowledging the truth and setting firm boundaries.” Jake’s decision to threaten transparency with his father signals a shift toward reclaiming his voice. For others in similar situations, experts suggest documenting financial agreements and seeking therapy to process betrayal trauma. Jake could benefit from an honest conversation with his father, not just to expose the truth but to rebuild their bond.

For readers, this raises a question: how do you navigate a parent’s betrayal without losing yourself? Sharing your story in trusted spaces, like Reddit or therapy, can light the path forward.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s hot takes on Jake’s saga are as spicy as a summer barbecue. Here’s what the community had to say, unfiltered and brimming with candor.

UteLawyer − NTA, but I'm confused as to why you agreed to keep this secret from your dad. It isn't clear from your post whether or not your parents are currently married, but either way, it makes no sense to lie to your father. He thinks he spent money on your education, and for some reason you went along with this lie?

curiousity60 − ESH (except Dad). YTA for not telling your dad as soon as you were aware that your mom stole from both him and you. He could try legal action to recover some or all of that stolen tuition money. Instead, he may have continued giving her money intended for your schooling while you were taking on debt.

Your complicity in your mom's stealing from your dad and you has hurt your dad. You let him stay ignorant and vulnerable to your mom's lies. Your mom is obviously TA as well. She has injured you and your dad, and manipulated you into being her accomplice to leave your dad vulnerable. You are an adult now.

You can CHOSE how much access and energy you focus on your parents. Your mom is a manipulative abusive user. No one who doesn't hold firm boundaries to prevent her accessing vulnerabilities is safe with her. You owe your dad a huge apology, and the truth.

You have decieved him for years now, hiding your mom's lies and thievery to the damage of you both. It's one thing to be a vulnerable child, under duress from a present and toxic parent. It's quite another to carry that deception on to taint your current and future relationship with your father.

Spike-2021 − NTA. Your mother is a master manipulator. You don't do what she wants (behind your dad's back) and she's the victim? Nope. You need to tell your dad about the tuition (and probably 1,000 other rotten things she's done) and get it out in the open. She may adjust her tactics but she isn't going to change. I'm sure next week or month she will think of another reason to try and extort money from you. Do not allow this! You deserve better!

JS6790 − NTA Why haven't you told your father about the issue with the tuition? Your mom isn't going to change. How are you still surprised?

Armorer- − Sorry but YTA for not telling your dad the truth, you lied to him to save your narcissistic mother who only cares about herself and money. If you want any chance at not blowing up your relationship with your father you need to use this opportunity to tell him the truth.

Candid_Jellyfish_240 − I'm guessing dad was the only one working in their marriage? Gold diggers suck.

laughsformyotherhalf − NTA. Absolutely shocking behaviour from your mum to have stolen what I can only imagine is thousands or even tens of thousands from you. She massively owes you for forgiving this and not telling your dad. The fact that any parent would charge their child for a few days' use of their holiday home annually is also wild to me, but is preposterous given her debt to you.

I think your answer was perfect. It's not a healthy relationship you have with your mum given that it's based on sort of blackmail in a way, but given her behaviour, I don't think there's any fixing your relationship at this point.

Hermit-Cookie0923 − You should NEVER have kept that secret from your dad - he's entitled to know that he was robbed and that you have student loans because of it. You need to tell him what she's done. She can sell the cottage to pay back what she's stolen with interest.

SafeWord9999 − TELL YOUR DAD. TELL YOUR DAD. TELL YOUR DAD

PensionLegitimate706 − INFO: Why are you not telling your father? This makes no sense to me. She stole from you and you letting it pass like it was nothing.

But do these opinions hold water, or are they just armchair judgments? The Reddit hive mind often nails the vibe, but real life is messier. What’s clear is Jake’s story struck a chord, and the chorus of “Tell your dad!” echoes loud.

Jake’s confrontation with his mother is a raw, human moment—a son pushing back against years of betrayal. His story leaves us wondering about the weight of family secrets and the power of speaking out. Should he tell his dad and risk the fallout, or keep the peace at his own expense? What would you do if you were in Jake’s shoes? Share your thoughts below—let’s unpack this tangled web together.

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