[UPDATE] AITAH for calling my husband a disgrace after he said my miscarriage ruined his birthday?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a cozy home turned battleground, a young mother’s world unraveled further after a heart-shattering miscarriage. Last week, her husband’s neglect during her medical crisis—prioritizing beers over her pain—left Reddit buzzing with outrage. Now, her update reveals a darker turn: a marriage marred by control, culminating in a brave escape with her toddler in tow.  Her story, raw and gripping, paints a vivid picture of betrayal, resilience, and the fight for safety, pulling readers into a whirlwind of empathy and concern. What drives someone to flee the one they vowed to love?

This tale isn’t just about one woman’s loss—it’s a stark reminder of how grief can unmask hidden flaws in a relationship. As she steps into an uncertain future, the Reddit community weighs in, offering support and sharp insights. Let’s dive into her update, explore expert perspectives, and unpack the community’s fiery reactions.

For those who want to read the previous part: AITAH for calling my husband a disgrace after he said my miscarriage ruined his birthday?.

‘[UPDATE] AITAH for calling my husband a disgrace after he said my miscarriage ruined his birthday?’

A kind Reddit user informed me that this is the best way to do an “update”, rather than adding a comment to my previous post so hopefully this reaches the right people. I should have clarified in my original post from last week that the way my husband responded was completely out of character for him.

He’s usually a caring and supportive man and is a good husband and father. The ONLY incident where he’s shown any kind of red flags was when I put together an accent chair (I used a s**ew driver to attach the legs to the seat) and when he came home from work and saw that I’d done it myself, he jumped on it until it broke to show that I didn’t do it properly and that I should have waited for him to come home.

He’d been under lots of stress at work so I asked him to go to therapy (which he did) instead of pulling the divorce card straight away. We have been together for 7 years in May and is the only partner I’ve ever known. My family all love him and have accepted him from day 1.

I also should have clarified, yes, I *know* he was an AH in the scenario - I wasn’t questioning that. What I was questioning was whether I took it a step too far in calling him a disgrace. He’s going through a lot at work at the moment, it was his birthday, I’d been messaging him and telling him that I’d miscarried his child and he had to leave work early and then I called him a disgrace after he’d taken me to the hospital and was responding to the grief in his own way.

I think the majority of people said I was NTA in this scenario and due to his behaviour that my insult was justified. Thank you to everyone who reached out, checked in, offered condolences and emotional support. I’ve read all my messages and tried to read most of the comments. Most of them have been very kind and useful and have helped a lot over the past few days.

I had a scan yesterday which confirmed that everything has passed successfully. Some people may remember that I was very worried about retained tissue due to my fever over the weekend. Also, my tonsillitis has fully cleared up so I’m feeling almost back to normal, physically. I left my husband.

Me and my son are staying with family in a different part of the country so we are safe and are managing. My husband did get very angry when I told him that I was leaving him, he tried to stop me from leaving with our son, put hands on me and threatened to end his life.

My mum intervened and like I said, we are safe. I have some time off work now so I will continue to take time to recover emotionally and plan my next steps. Thank you if you’ve read this far. I doubt there will be any more updates after this.

This update is a chilling escalation, exposing a marriage not just strained but steeped in control and abuse. The husband’s neglect during the miscarriage was bad enough, but his destruction of a chair to “prove” his wife’s incompetence and his physical attempt to stop her departure scream red flags. His threats to end his life further reveal manipulative tactics, not grief. While the wife defends his “usual” kindness, these incidents suggest a pattern of control that’s hard to ignore.

Dr. Lundy Bancroft, an expert on abusive relationships, writes, “Abuse grows from a sense of entitlement and a need to dominate” (Why Does He Do That?). The husband’s actions—breaking furniture, dismissing her medical crisis, and escalating to physical restraint—align with this mindset. His stress at work doesn’t justify abuse; it merely unmasks it. Statistically, 1 in 4 women experience intimate partner violence, often escalating during crises like pregnancy loss (CDC).

This situation reflects broader issues of power dynamics in relationships. The wife’s hesitation to fully condemn him suggests she’s internalized his excuses, a common trait in abusive dynamics. Therapy, as commenters urged, could help her recognize these patterns and rebuild her sense of self. For now, her focus should be safety and emotional recovery.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a mix of heartfelt support and no-nonsense truth bombs. Here’s a peek at the community’s spiciest takes, served with a side of humor:

Artistic-Being7421 − The chair thing is insane. Absolutely bonkers. I'm glad your safe and you left him, stress is no excuse for behavior. Being snappy or grumpy is one thing, but his behavior is on another level. He needs serious help.

canyonemoon − 'when he came home from work and saw that I’d done it myself, he jumped on it until it broke to show that I didn’t do it properly' that's what you're calling a kind of red flag? That was an insanely disproportionate and destructive response. I hope that after you settle down more, you'll find time and the financials to attend therapy.

For yourself and your son's sake. I have a feeling that you'll discover a lot more abusive behavior, you've now slotted into the 'usually he's kind and a good father' category that you've excused away because it wasn't as openly abusive as the chair and miscarriage incident. Best of luck and I truly wish the best for you and your son in the future.

MrsSEM84 − I’m glad you left him. But I am concerned you’ll go back based on how this post is written. You are still speaking about him like he is a good husband and are justifying his behaviour. Stop doing that. Make a therapy appointment for yourself.

jojosalwayslost − I tried to surprise my husband by putting the dining chairs together myself. I ended up putting it together backwards (I don’t wanna get into how my brain cells failed that day lol). He came home, laughed, and fixed it. Jumping on the chair did not enter his mind at all. That response is not normal. In therapy, you may see what other incidents happened that you brushed off, or didn’t see as a big deal, really were red flags.

lisalef − NTA and I’m glad you’re both safe. The fact that he put his hands on you when you told him you were leaving is telling. Sounds like he’s spiraling but it’s dangerous and scary. He needs help. BTW. An expert could put a chair together but if you jump on it, it breaks. That was a controlling, AH move.

regularforcesmedic − I'm glad you're safe. As someone who recently divorced my ex who SA'd me, you \*DO NOT\* have to defend him even if he's not here to defend himself. It's okay to state that his behavior is inexcusable but you've ignored those things because he was otherwise fine and you made excuses for him. Stop making excuses for him.

Abuse is abuse. Destroying things that you put together is abusive. Physically preventing you from leaving, putting hands on you, and threatening suicide...is abusive. Stating that your pregnancy loss ruined his birthday and ignoring the care and empathy you needed (what a f**king \*child\*) is abusive.. Sorry, OP, this man is trash.

Busy-Bumblebee5556 − The first half of this update is bad, you are justifying his abusive behavior and this worries me that you are not taking his poor behavior, his tantrums, seriously enough. Breaking your chair to prove to you how stupid you were to try was abusive. Caring more about his birthday than his bleeding wife or deceased baby was abusive. The second half is hopeful. Please, please don’t go back to him. Stay well. I wish you a very bright future with your son!

gdrom123 − I’m not going to lie, I had no idea where this post was going. It seemed like you defended his behavior then dropped the chair incident on us then continued to defend him. By the last paragraph honestly felt like I had whiplash. Regardless, I’m happy you’re away from him and are safe because he’s definitely not a good person. Stressed or not, that’s not how sane people conduct themselves. Please do not let him guilt you into going back to him. He’s dangerous.. Updateme

Ella8888 − The chair thing is one of the brightest red flags I ever heard. Borderline personality disorder

Winter-eyed − He’s still a disgrace and now sounds like an abusive a**hole in top of it. The threats to end himself if you leave… manipulation and control tactic abusers use. Destroying something to make a point… abusive.. He’s a walking res flag.

These voices light up the thread, but do they capture the full weight of her choice to leave?

This woman’s journey from grief to escape is both heartbreaking and inspiring. Her courage to leave, despite years of love and familiarity, challenges us to rethink what we tolerate in relationships. Her story begs the question: how do we spot the line between stress and abuse? What would you do if love turned controlling in a moment of crisis? Drop your thoughts, stories, or advice below—let’s keep this conversation alive.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *