My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine waking up 10 times a night, jolted by thunderous snores, only to face a partner who shrugs off your pleas for help. For a 29-year-old woman, this is her marriage’s reality, frayed by her 28-year-old husband’s untreated sleep apnea. Three years into their vows, her sleepless nights and basement exile are eroding her mental health, while he dismisses her concerns with a stubborn, “Married couples share a bed.” Readers, this Reddit tale of health neglect and marital strain hits hard.

She’s tried everything—earplugs, meds, calm talks, even moving rooms—yet his refusal to revisit his CPAP or seek treatment leaves her desperate. With divorce on her mind, she wonders if an ultimatum is fair. Can love survive when health is ignored? Let’s dive into her story and the Reddit wisdom that followed.

‘My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?’

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, been living together for 5. He has always snored and has gotten worse. He would wake me up 5-10 times a night. In 2020, he did a sleep study and was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and prescribed a CPAP. He wore the CPAP for less than a week because it was uncomfortable..

Throughout the years, I have spent hundreds of dollars on over the counter sleep meds and ear plugs to try and sleep. I've tried calmly to speak to my husband over the years about this, but it has been met with: 'You're just a light sleeper.' 'I'm not talking about this/why are we talking about this?' 'Married people should sleep in the same bed.'.

I haven't always handled this the best. I've gotten very frustrated and yelled at him in the middle of the night. I'm working on putting my thoughts out calmly.. Summer of 2022, I was pregnant and my therapist recommended strongly I sleep elsewhere. I was nervous but I moved to our guest room across the hall.

A few months ago, I moved to the basement because his snoring was still waking me up. This has provided better sleep but a horrible effect to my mental health. I have frequently encouraged him to go back to the doctor about his sleep apnea - possibly try another CPAP or explore other options.

I'm also concerned on the affects of untreated sleep apnea on his physical and mental health. I tell him I want to sleep in the same bed as much as he does. I know many couples find success in separate bedrooms but he has made it clear that he is not interested in that..

Recently he mentioned 'I bet even if I fixed my snoring, you wouldn't sleep in the same bed as me.' I was stunned. Me toughing it out for over 3 years shows the opposite, in my opinion. He finally offered to switch and let me sleep in our bed, and 3 days later he's complaining on how he can't do it.

He keeps stringing me along about going to the doctor. I don't think he actually plans to go. His complete disregard for my sleep over the years is incredibly hurtful. He refusal to fix an easily fixable problem is mind boggling. My question - should I give him an ultimatum to fix his sleep apnea or I'm out? I am considering divorce. Are ultimatums ever healthy? I need advice on how to deal with this.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This marriage is suffocating under the weight of untreated sleep apnea, and it’s not just about snoring—it’s a health crisis. The wife’s exhaustion and basement retreat scream desperation, while her husband’s denial feels like a slap. Let’s unpack this with a medical and relational lens.

The husband’s severe sleep apnea, diagnosed but ignored, isn’t just disruptive—it’s dangerous. His week-long CPAP trial was a half-hearted attempt, and his excuses dismiss her suffering. As Mayo Clinic notes, untreated apnea raises risks of heart disease and stroke, starving the brain of oxygen. Her sleep deprivation, meanwhile, fuels mental health struggles, a point her therapist underscored.

This reflects a broader issue: health neglect in partnerships. A 2023 study from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found 31% of apnea patients resist treatment, straining relationships. Dr. Wendy Troxel, a sleep expert, says, “Ignoring sleep apnea dismisses your partner’s well-being, eroding trust” (RAND Corporation). His refusal signals selfishness, not love.

For solutions, she should frame an ultimatum as a health plea: “I love you, but your untreated apnea is hurting us both. See a doctor by [date], or I need to protect my health, even if that means stepping back.” Exploring options like the Inspire implant or new CPAP masks could help. She should also prioritize her sleep, staying in the basement guilt-free.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit swooped in like a sleep-deprived support group, armed with empathy and tough love. From health warnings to ultimatum endorsements, the comments are a wake-up call with a side of sass. Here’s the scoop:

UsuallyWrite2 − Sleep apnea isn’t just inconvenient and noisy, it can cause serious health issues. His brain is literally being starved of oxygen. It can make him more prone to heart disease and stroke as well. Does he not get that? Your sleep is important too! Sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture.

I get that learning to use a CPAP can take time and sometimes you have to try a few different masks before you find one that’s a good fit. But trying for a week isn’t much of a try IMHO.. I am not a fan of ultimatums but he needs to know you’re serious.

“Babe, I love you and want our marriage to work. When you refuse to treat your sleep apnea, I feel sad and angry. I’m sad for you because I know what negative health impacts are lying in wait. I’m angry for me because I feel like you don’t care enough about me to do what needs to be done so I can actually get sleep myself.

Sleep deprivation has negative health impacts too. So moving forward, I need you to see your doc, try more masks til one works for you, and make a real effort to resolve this or I have to reevaluate the long term situation. It’s not just annoying. It’s a serious health issue for BOTH of us.”

He can throw a tantrum. So be it. Send him to the less comfortable room in the basement or whatever. This is his issue to fix and it is fixable with practically no effort on his part. He’s just being selfish, stupid, and lazy. When my (ex) husband developed sleep apnea, he told his doc he was there for a sleep study instead of a divorce or a new couch. He wasn’t so much kidding. I would not have put up with that for long.

trillium61 − Lack of restorative sleep can lead to hypertension and/or diabetes. He needs to do something about it. He might be a candidate for the Inspire Implant. Do what’s best for you. You deserve better than a partner who refuses to take care of himself and that is affecting your health.

Jess1ca1467 − He is being very selfish and in some parts of the world he would not be allowed to drive with severe unmanaged sleep apnoea.. Your own health with seriously suffer. He has a very serious medical condition which could dramatically shorten his life.

[Reddit User] − Shove him out of the damn bed and make his stuck up ass sleep on the floor. He knew exactly what he was doing from the beginning. Abusive men weaponize their illnesses against their partner and family.

Opening_Track_1227 − should I give him an ultimatum to fix his sleep apnea or I'm out?. Yes

ToddRoland2022 − There is a new device call Inspire. You should have him check into it. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he should consider it. Also, for his own health.

2SadSlime − Wow I would be furious with him if I were you. It seems like some weird power play the way he’s fixated on sleeping in the same bed no matter what. He’s a father now, right? Why is he not concerned about his health/being there for his kid growing up?

Forward_Brilliant_74 − Hi! My husband and I have been married for 16 years and he has snored since the day we married. I could work with it as long as I fell asleep before him but as he got older it got louder and louder.

I begged and pleaded with him to mention it to the dr because I was also noticing he would stop breathing for a good minute or two a bunch of times at night and it would wake me out of a dead sleep to smack his arm and rouse him enough to roll over and start breathing again..

At first he insisted it was fine and I was exaggerating and wouldn't do anything. So I eventually had to move and sleep on the couch. He said he was fine with it at first, that he liked that he had the bed to himself but after a while he got sick of it and asked me to come back to the room to sleep.

I told him unless he was willing to have the sleep study done and get a machine I would continue sleeping elsewhere. It wasn't until our oldest daughter recorded him to show him exactly how bad it was that he finally relented, got the study done and found out he would stop breathing at least 20X's a night for a minute or two every single time.

Dr told us we were lucky he hadn't died in his sleep before then. He got a machine and we tried several masks before he finally just picked the lesser evil and stuck with that. He hated it, but now he's silent as can be at night and I don't have to worry about him dying.

So yes, I would say the ultimatum in this case is okay because he is literally putting his life in danger by not wearing the dang thing. They suck to wear but they're life changing once you get used to them. My husband hated it at first but now he's actually well rested and more energetic and our marriage isn't strained now that we can sleep in the same bed.

LegitimateStar7034 − He could die. Untreated sleep apnea killed my husband. He didn’t believe me, refused to see a doctor and eventually it weakened his heart. I found him on the dining room floor.

PreviousMotor58 − I have a CPAP machine and it is uncomfortable, but I still wear it every night. It's not good for your brain to go without oxygen. This isn't that hard TBH. Your husband is being careless with his own health and not empathetic to your sleep struggles. At the very least you would think he would care about his own health. You know do the things that are required to take care of yourself.

These Redditors rallied behind the wife, blasting her husband’s apathy and sharing success stories of treatment. Some saw his stance as a power play, others a health red flag. But do their fiery takes nail the fix, or just fan the flames? This debate’s got some serious zzz’s at stake.

This story lays bare the toll of ignoring health in love, where one partner’s neglect becomes both their burdens. The wife’s brink-of-divorce desperation shows her strength, but an ultimatum might be her last shot to save—or end—this marriage. Have you faced a partner ignoring a fixable health issue? How would you handle her sleepless nights? Drop your stories and advice below—let’s keep this convo breathing.

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] My husband (28M) and I’s (29F) marriage is being ruined by his sleep apnea. When is an ultimatum ok?

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