My (33M) wife (33F) refuses to move for a job offer. Unsure of where to go from here?

Jonathan Hours
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In a quiet suburban home, the air grows thick with unspoken tension as a couple faces a life-altering decision. A 33-year-old man stares at a job offer that could catapult his career, but his wife’s resolute refusal to leave her roots threatens to unravel their shared dreams. The promise of financial stability clashes with the comfort of familiar faces, leaving their marriage teetering on a delicate edge. Can love weather the storm of ambition, or will this choice redefine their future?

This relatable dilemma, shared on Reddit, captures the universal struggle of balancing personal aspirations with partnership. Readers are drawn into the couple’s emotional tug-of-war, wondering how far one should bend for love or career. With vivid stakes and heartfelt stakes, this story invites us to ponder the sacrifices we make for those we hold dear, setting the stage for a deeper dive into their conflict.

‘My (33M) wife (33F) refuses to move for a job offer. Unsure of where to go from here?’

I am a psych nurse practitioner with 3 years experience and my wife is a nurse. We live in Ohio and make around 200k a year together-me 135k and her around 65k. We have 2 kids-3 and 10 months. I recently got a once in a lifetime job opportunity out in Oregon. An old coworker of mine moved out there and reached out to me with the offer.

The pay is 115/hr (240k/year), up to 40k in bonuses per year, 20k sign on bonus, 10k relocation bonus, 401k and pension, 6 weeks PTO, no weekends or holidays, and 25k a year towards any student loans I currently have-which is 60k. Nurses out there also make really good money, have better ratios and work conditions, pensions, free healthcare, etc.

my wife’s income would also more than double. Our household income would more than double and even with cost of living differences, we would come out SIGNIFICANTLY ahead of where we are now. The issue is, my wife absolutely refuses to move.

She said we don’t absolutely need the money, her home is here along with all our friends and family, she doesn’t want to move across the country and start over, she wants our kids close to family, and her grandparents may have 10 years left and she wants to be close to them and see them often (she sees them almost daily).

While I do understand where she’s coming from, moving will allow us to retire decades earlier, set up our children’s future, we will have more time with the kids, we can take more vacations and make memories, and can fly out frequently to see family. She still refused and said she’s not moving at all.

I suggested moving out there for a couple of years and she shot that down. I suggested I could fly out there and work then come home on my days off but she pointed out that logistically that’s not feasible long term and to be honest, she’s right.

I also don’t want to leave my kids for that long. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like resentment will fester in the future if I don’t take the job of in being honest with myself. I’m looking for insight and outside perspectives. Also wanted to add, I asked and remote is not an option. It is onsite only.

A job offer that doubles your income sounds like a fairy tale, but for this couple, it’s a plot twist threatening their happily-ever-after. The husband sees dollar signs and early retirement, while his wife clutches the lifeline of family and familiarity. Both have valid points, but their stalemate screams one thing: communication needs a serious glow-up. He’s dreaming of Oregon’s greener pastures, while she’s rooted in Ohio’s warm embraces—talk about a classic case of “you say tomato, I say to-mah-to.”

This tug-of-war isn’t just about moving; it’s about what we value in life. A 2023 Pew Research study found 60% of Americans prioritize living near family over career moves (soucre). The wife’s daily visits to her grandparents reflect this, while the husband’s focus on financial security aligns with the 40% chasing professional growth. Neither is the villain here—just two people with different scripts for their future.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman nails it: “Successful couples turn toward each other’s bids for connection, even in conflict” (soucre). The husband’s pitch for relocation misses her emotional anchor, while her flat-out refusal sidelines his ambitions. Gottman’s advice points to active listening—validating each other’s fears and hopes—to break the deadlock. Without this, resentment could be the only thing packing its bags.

So, what’s the move? They could draft a “relocation pros and cons” list together, factoring in childcare costs and travel budgets to see family. Couples counseling might help them unpack their priorities without judgment. Maybe a trial visit to Oregon could spark some excitement—or confirm her doubts.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s armchair therapists didn’t hold back, dishing out wisdom with a side of sass. Here’s what the community had to say about this couple’s crossroads:

Semirhage527 − I think Oregon is the greatest place on earth BUT … I get where she’s coming from. I live on the opposite coast from my friends & family and it’s HARD and we don’t even have kids. I visit 3-4 times a year but it’s not the same.. Money isn’t everything. Has she visited? Would she? Seeing Oregon may make her fall in love with it like I did and be willing to move, but honestly I completely understand her side

I’m also raising an eyebrow at the “nurses have great work conditions out here” part — that’s not consistent with the message I’ve heard and the contentious labor/strike negotiations that have been going on, but it’s usually hospital dependent I guess

anitarielleliphe − You have offered to your wife your reasons for this move being that with the added income, better work conditions healthcare and retirement:. 1. You will pay off student debt sooner. ***(How much sooner than your current situation?)***

2. Be able to retire 'decades' earlier ***(How many decades, in fact? What is this figure based on? A permanent move? A certain number of years?)***. 3. Setup your children's future. ***(What specifically do you mean by that? College fully funded? Anything else?)***

4. You will have more time with the kids ***(How will you have more time with the kids and how much more time than your current situation?)***. 5. More vacations ***(How so?)***

Here is the deal. You cannot provide 'reasons' to move like these if you are ***not*** both specific and absolutely assured that you have done the math correctly, done the due-diligence, and proven any potential assumptions absolutely correct?

There cannot be a situation, for example, that you do convince her to move out there and all of your promises come up short because:. * 'I didn't realize, honey, that the cost of living was really higher than I was told, or anticipated.'. * 'I didn't realize that flights from Oregon back to Ohio would be so expensive.'. * 'I forgot to include the costs of childcare/babysitting since we get so much help from family.'

* 'I really didn't think about the fact that kids activities like sport clubs, skiing, etc. are so much more expensive here.'. * 'I had no clue that groceries would be so expensive.'. * 'My friend said I'd make this much, but I forgot to think about the higher tax rate.' If you tell her that you can retire 'decades' earlier which that word means 20 years at a minimum, and that is neither accurate nor remotely true, **you lose, and she will be resentful.*

* It will become apparent as your cost of living expenses set in and the reality of all those incidental things like travel expenses home whittle that nest egg away, if you did not accurately research and account for things, and just went off anecdotal evidence and assumptions.

And, if you have a history of this sort of thing . . . making decisions without thought or evidence prior, your wife may be hesitant for these reasons (not saying this is how you are). If you want any success at convincing her to relocate your family for this job opportunity, treat it like a business plan.

**Do the research and the math and write it up in a format to read, accounting for everything** where you show a budget with the added income, and exactly when you:. * Will pay off your student debt. * Have enough money to retire early * How many extra and more extravagant vacations you can take and when (be specific. If she's always wanted a trip to Hawaii, show her exactly when you can take it.).

* How many times you will fly home to see family And finally, her complaints/concerns need to be a part of your 'Relocation Business Plan.' There is both a financial and emotional consequence to sacrificing proximity to her family and friends, and you must have a counter to that and agreed-upon commitments (i.e. so many times to go see them) to help her deal with this that cannot later be taken away.. Best of luck.

henicorina − How often will you realistically fly home to Ohio? Twice a year? All of my grandparents and one of my parents are dead. Personally, if I were in your position I wouldn’t give up the experience of raising young children near family for any amount of money.

Acceptable_Koala_488 − My ex husband moved us to a different state promising the world. The cost of living was supposed to be lower, his salary was higher, and there were so many opportunities. He promised if I hated it after 2 years we could work our way back. It was a giant lie.

I ended up away from my family, the culture was very conservative which made finding friends take forever since I don’t belong to the main religion there. There were jobs, but aside from what he was doing the pay was abysmal at best. You’re right about resentment growing. I was very resentful and it was one of the issues that drove us to divorce. I was still stuck there until my son graduated, but I didn’t care as long as it wasn’t with him.

smol9749been − I always advise against moving to a whole new area and moving your whole family with you just for a job and this is why:. Jobs aren't a guaranteed permanent fixture You could move there, stay there for 6 months, and the company let's you go or you get fired or who knows what. And then you're stuck there in a higher cost of living area with no family or friends around.

paintedLady318 − It seems like your options are to either stay where you are or take the job and get a divorce.. Which do you prefer? If she were being unreasonable and you were destitute and this were the only way you were going to financially survive, I could see your view. But that is not the case. Large decisions require 2 yeses or 1 no. You have your answer. Perhaps you can leverage this offer to get a raise with your current employer?

Jen5872 − Moving is a two yes, one no proposition. Money is a great motivator to move, but money can't replace having your friends and family nearby. It doesn't sound like you're financially struggling where you are and you and your family have a large support network. Why would your wife want to change that? Money isn't everything. You also have to be happy. 

FalsePremise8290 − Abandoning my entire support system with a 3 year old and 10 month old in tow? Yeah, you couldn't make me. I don't blame her.

HatsAndTopcoats − Aside from your question, my first thought in reading about this incredible job offer is that it sounds too good to be true. I obviously don't have the details or context that you do, and I'm not really asking for them, but I do want to ask if **you** have context that makes it understandable why this company would offer you this much money and perks for this particular job.

You obviously wouldn't want to put so much on the line for a job that turns out to be a bait-and-switch, or a startup company that folds in ten minutes. That being said: have you been honest with your wife about the resentment that you're afraid of if you don't take this opportunity? If you're in a position where you feel like your marriage/family will be damaged either way, couples' counseling would probably be a good idea.

thearcherofstrata − I think if you actually moved, you’d find that the reality is far less amazing than what you envisioned. There are always hidden costs to moving to another area, let alone another state. Oregon doesn’t have the best education systems and the backside of no sales tax is that they pay higher income tax.

You’re also going to find that family DID help more than you thought, you’ll appreciate what a difference it made once you don’t have it anymore. Even having a family member nearby for an emergency - you don’t realize it’s helpful most of the time because you’re not in an emergency.

Also, you and your wife seem to lead different lives. Your life is work and money, and hers is family. You prioritize different things. I think you should maybe try moving by yourself for six months and check it out. If it really is all that, maybe your wife will be more willing to consider it. But I still don’t think it’ll be as amazing as you calculated it to be. Reality is different than on-paper.

These Redditors serve spicy takes, but do they cut through the noise? Online advice is like a buffet—plenty of flavors, but not always the full meal. Still, their perspectives add some zing to the debate!

This couple’s saga is a mirror for anyone who’s juggled dreams with devotion. It’s a reminder that love thrives on compromise, not ultimatums. Whether they stay in Ohio or chase Oregon’s promise, their next step hinges on hearing each other out. What would you do if a dream job meant leaving your support network behind? Drop your thoughts below—let’s keep this conversation rolling!

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