My (53F) son (26M) told my husband/his father (57M) how he really feels about him. How can I patch my family up, if at all?

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Step into a sunlit guest room, where a 53-year-old mother reels from her husband’s confession: their 26-year-old son unleashed a decade of pent-up anger, decrying his father’s physical discipline and discouragement as a loveless upbringing. A weekend visit, meant to celebrate their son’s new marriage and coming child, turned into a raw confrontation, exposing wounds from a childhood shaped by cultural expectations and tough love.

As the mother navigates her son’s pain and her husband’s regret, she wonders if their family can ever mend. Is she wrong to hope for reconciliation, or is the damage too deep? Let’s dive into this Reddit saga, where past parenting clashes with present hopes.

‘My (53F) son (26M) told my husband/his father (57M) how he really feels about him. How can I patch my family up, if at all?’

Background: My (53F) husband (57M) and I have been married for 27 years. We’re Indian and had an arranged marriage. I’ll be honest, my husband and I both agree that past the initial 1-2 years of our marriage, it was just a mutual respect and understanding, not really love. We had a baby, our son (now 26M), to appease our families and that was it.

My husband and I grew up in India but moved to the States when our son was four years old so his upbringing was mostly here. We both raised him how we knew best and thought we did our job in raising a respectful and hardworking man. My son has a very authentic and paradoxical personality.

He’s egoistic and arrogant but loving, selfless, and caring at the same time. He’s someone who is passionate about weightlifting and martial arts but enjoys philosophy, photography, and poetry. He paid his own way through school through a combination of the two jobs he worked in high school, merit scholarships, and internship salaries.

He got a very well-paying job right after graduating and has already received two promotions early in his career and has been able to purchase a very nice home and install a pool and home gym, as well as sending my husband and I some money every month. He got married four months ago to his girlfriend of two years. She is also currently ten weeks pregnant and I have a great relationship with her. My husband and I are very proud of our son for who he has become..

Incident: My husband and I live in a different state and flew out to visit our son and daughter-in-law over the weekend. I thought it was great and I was all smiles (and a few tears) when we left on Sunday night but my husband looked devastated. It took me three days to press him about it and he finally opened up today about what happened during our visit.

On Saturday night, my husband woke up in the middle of the night and randomly looked out the window and saw our son and DIL kissing in the pool and drinking something out of wine glasses. My husband confronted our son on Sunday morning for two reasons, drinking during pregnancy (turns out it was just sparkling juice) and making out in the pool.

We’re from a really conservative culture and doing any physical affection in public/around parents is a no-no and my husband felt the need to question our son about this and it led to an argument between the two of them where my husband said something along the lines of “I couldn’t even think of doing that around your grandparents, I thought I raised you differently, Didn’t I teach you anything?” My son blew up at this and let all his feelings out in about a 10 minute vent. I summarized our son’s points below.

1. Our son said the only thing he learned was what not to do as a husband and father and said he would rather kill himself than be anything like my husband. 2. My husband did often physically discipline him between the ages of 7 and 17. Our son said that he has no happy memories with him and when someone asks him about his father, all that comes to mind was getting beat in the living room, getting beat in his room, getting beat in the basement.

He highlighted two incidents that we barely remember where when he was seven years old, my husband picked him up by his ears for lying about something trivial and when he was in his freshman year of high school, when my husband beat him right when he woke up before school since he stayed up extra late working on a passion project the night before (our son remembers the exact date that this happened).

Our son told my husband that when someone does that to you, you make it your goal to not be like that and he was happy and proud to not have learned anything from him. 3. Our son said that my husband was someone who was scared of everything, discouraged everything he wanted, and a h**ocrite.

He brought up examples like when our son was beginning to have opportunities to play his sport at the college level, my husband’s reaction was to tell him that sports would affect his academics and then when he eventually did leave the team after two and a half years in college by his own choice, my husband gave him s**t for it.

When our son confided in my husband that he got into a fight at school, my husband’s first reaction was to ask if we should go to the police and tell me. Our son (22 at the time) brought up that when he wanted to visit a religious pilgrimage site alone in a different country, my husband’s first reaction was just to shut his idea down completely under the pretense of “not being safe”.

When our son was in his sophomore year of high school, he was selected to travel to Australia for an academic competition that would have costed us around $6000 total and we were fully prepared to pay for it all but when he questioned why we weren’t willing to spend that money on long-term athletic training or even a new cellphone for him despite him asking for the past year, my husband kicked him out of the house for being “ungrateful”.

My husband and I wanted his English to be as good as possible and so, we rarely spoke to him in our native language but as he grew up, he wanted to learn the language by himself and my husband always heavily discouraged this. My son asked my husband what kind of father doesn’t pass along his own mother tongue to his child and discourages this.

When our son started an online business as a senior year college student, my husband was again very against it because he didn’t like the idea. Small edit: our son did end up playing his sport in college for three seasons, he did buy a new cellphone with the money he made working as a tutor in high school, he did go on the religious pilgrimage himself, he learned our native language by himself and is now completely fluent, he did run the online business.

Nothing my husband said stopped my son from doing what he wanted to do. 4. Our son said that anytime he expressed his true thoughts, my husband would simply be there to make sure to disagree and discourage whatever it is he wanted. Our son told my husband that he feels forced to lie and hide the truth about everything in fear of judgment and he feels caged whenever he talks to him. He referred to my husband as the anti-role model.

5. Our son barely touched on the incident at hand and just told my husband to not bother coming to their place if he has an issue with him loving his wife. The fact is that every event our son said is factually correct. My husband and I always saw it that he was learning a lesson for the future and my husband just wanted him to go the safe route and not put himself in any kind of harm’s way that could affect his future.

I never knew that some of these things bothered our son so much. Truly, I hope that our son’s relationship with his wife is infinitely better than mine and my husband’s so I really don’t care about them kissing in their own pool in their own backyard at night. I’m surprised that my husband did but that is not my concern right now.

I care that our son hates his father and the fact that he said he has no happy memories of them breaks my heart for him. Looking back, I definitely could have stepped in when my husband was being the “tough love dad” and things might be better right now if I had. My husband admits that he went overboard on several occasions and is telling me that he regrets many things he did as a father and would do anything for a do-over.

For now, I’m planning on ensuring that there is zero contact between my husband and son but I don’t know the plan for the future. How can I help patch things up between my son and husband, even a little? I know this can never go back to 100% but I’ll do anything for them to even be friendly.

Family bonds can fracture under the weight of unresolved trauma, and this son’s confrontation lays bare the scars of his father’s physical discipline and constant discouragement. His vivid memories—being beaten for trivial lies or passion projects—contrast sharply with his parents’ view of “tough love” as protective.

Family therapist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Unaddressed childhood pain can erode adult relationships, especially when parents fail to validate it” (The Gottman Institute). The father’s regret, while a start, faces the steep challenge of overcoming a childhood the son perceives as abusive.

This reflects a broader issue: cultural parenting norms, like corporal punishment, often clash with modern expectations of emotional safety. A 2021 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found 60% of adults who experienced physical discipline report lasting resentment (Springer Link). The son’s success—despite his father’s opposition—highlights his resilience, but his rejection of his father as a role model signals deep estrangement. The mother’s complicity, by not intervening, adds complexity, as her desire to mend ties may feel dismissive to her son.

Dr. Gottman advises “sincere apologies and behavioral change to rebuild trust.” The mother could encourage her husband to write a letter acknowledging specific wrongs, like the ear-pulling or belittling, and commit to respecting his son’s autonomy. She, too, must apologize for her inaction. Family therapy could facilitate dialogue, but the son’s boundaries—especially with a child on the way—must be respected. Forcing contact risks further alienation.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit responded with fierce support for the son and sharp criticism of the parents, urging accountability over excuses. Here’s the community’s unfiltered take on this family rift.

fiascoist − My son has a very authentic and paradoxical personality. He’s egoistic and arrogant but loving, selfless, and caring at the same time. I read this line early in your post and waited through the rest of the post for some evidence of your son being egoistic or arrogant. I never saw it. That makes me think that by 'egoistic,' you mean capable of thinking for himself, and by 'arrogant,' you mean resistant to your control.

It sounds like your son made a successful life for himself *despite* your parenting, and the fact that he's not only willing to allow you into his life but that he also supports you financially is nothing short of a miracle. You and your husband should think twice before ever criticizing your son again. It should be the goal of every parent to raise a child who can grow to be a better person than them, and it sounds like that already happened a long time ago.

UnicornCackle − when he was seven years old, my husband picked him up by his ears for lying about something trivial and when he was in his freshman year of high school, when my husband beat him right when he woke up. my husband just wanted him to go the safe route and not put himself in any kind of harm’s way. Hmmmmm, these two things don't seem to go together, do they?

Here's the thing: you and your husband can only remember a handful of times when your husband abused your son but I can guarantee that your son remembers every single one. The tree remembers but the axe forgets. You and your husband need to sincerely apologise for abusing your son and making his childhood one of incessant put-downs (and you need to actually realise that you what you did was abuse) or you're never going to see your grandchild.

AdGroundbreaking4397 − You and your husband need therapy. Your husband abused your son his whole childhood and you allowed it. Even as an adult your husband thinks he has the right to tell your son how to live.

Unless and until the 2 of you can fully acknowledge that you were and are wrong and grow as people there will never be a good relationship. If you want a relationship with your son and as an extension your future grandchild, go to therapy and do the work.

ThatsItImOverThis − I will never understand parents who think they can abuse their kids with impunity. Who think their kids will just forgive them because…they have to? You know what became clear as you told your story? That you and your husband always did “what you thought was best” for your son but not once while he was growing up, did the two of you ever ask what your SON considers best for himself.

Your son is not a carbon copy of the two of you. He is his own person, not a machine you guys programmed to think like you. You both failed him. Your husband by instilling an entire childhood of fear and negativity into him and you by standing by and doing nothing to stop it or make it better.

You don’t get to be subpar parents and reap the rewards of your son working hard and becoming successful in spite of you. You want to know how to repair your relationship? Stop defending your bad parenting decisions and hiding behind “we did our best” because those excuses only save your feelings and help your son not at all. You two failed him. Admit it, accept it, own it.

You failed him, his memories of childhood sound 80% miserable and that is on you two. Apologize. Genuinely and sincerely. But if you still believe you guys have a right to defend your parenting decisions, then get used to your new reality of actions having consequences. He will know if your apology isn’t genuine.

ItsAllKrebs − Your husband is a creep for inserting himself into a private moment between your Son and his Wife. I'd be proud of your son for finally standing up to you guys. You're full of excuses. You both, separately, need to apologize and all together form a plan on personal boundaries if you want future contact.

A_Year_Of_Storms − Everytime I hear the words 'conservative culture' I know I'm going to hear a story of child abuse. . It never fails.

KMN208 − This will be harsh. I have zero tolerance for violence, especially against children.. I know this can never go back to 100%. It never was 100%. You failed him both. You discouraged anything he wanted, that didn't align with what you wanted. You punished the dreams, hopes and aspirations out of him in the name of 'save success' and left him with YOUR expactations and fear of disappointing YOU.

Yes, it is probably cultural, but there is a reason people always evolve and do things differently from the generations before: 'We always did it this way' is the worst explanation. In your mind and until now, you had a happy, successful child, who graduated college, has a good job and is now married with a child on the way.. My husband and I are very proud of our son for who he has become.. He did that DESPITE of your actions, NOT BECAUSE of it.

when someone asks him about his father, all that comes to mind was getting beat in the living room, getting beat in his room, getting beat in the basement. Even if you use physical violence as a last resort at the end of the rope (which is still wrong btw) when this is how your child remembers his childhood, he had an abusive childhood. Your husband abused your child and you just let him, supported him.

My son has a very authentic and paradoxical personality. He’s egoistic and arrogant but loving, selfless, and caring at the same time. He’s someone who is passionate about weightlifting and martial arts but enjoys philosophy, photography, and poetry. He probably used to be kind and gentle, but got the need to feel strong and capable of defending himself beaten into him.

He grew up to be emotionally detached and cold, so he wouldn't feel hurt so easily. What you describe as egoistic and arrogant is probably a wall he build so he could endure the hurt caused by people who told him it was love. You want to know how to fix this? Get therapy, both of you.

Reevaluate, why you thought is was ok beat up/hurt a child ever, but for this??. lying about something trivial. he stayed up extra late working on a passion project the night before. Put in the work and show your son that you really mean it when your say My husband admits that he went overboard on several occasions and is telling me that he regrets many things he did as a father and would do anything for a do-over.

Also, read books about child development and what verbal and physical violence does to them. It will be heartbreaking, because you can't undo it, but maybe your heart needs a little breaking after doing the same to your own child.. Edit: format

Minute_Box3852 − Your next, mom.. Be ready for your much deserved confrontation for never standing up for your son and enabling the abuse.

Danph85 − Have you apologised for being complicit in the abuse your child endured? That'd probably be a good start from your position. Your son is an adult now and can choose if he ever wants to see his father again, it's not really any of your business at this point.

BriefHorror − Your husband ABUSED your child so what love? He sounds like he hated his kid for existing not being a carbon copy of him and reading his mind.

These Reddit reactions are intense, but do they capture the full story? Perhaps the parents’ cultural lens shaped their actions, or the son’s outburst is his path to healing.

This tale of a son’s rage and a mother’s hope raises a heart-wrenching question: can love mend a family scarred by years of pain? The mother’s wish to reconcile isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about forging a future where her son and husband can coexist, even distantly. Families thrive on accountability, not denial. If you faced a loved one’s resentment over past wrongs, would you seek forgiveness or accept their distance? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this emotional Reddit drama!

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