I need advice! My (34F) identical twin sister (34F) upset that I’m pregnant. What can I do?

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A joyful pregnancy announcement turned into a battlefield of hurt feelings when a 34-year-old woman’s identical twin sister unleashed a torrent of angry texts. Instead of celebrating the news, the twin accused her of exclusion and neglect, weaving a narrative of betrayal that left the expectant mother stunned. Living in different states, their bond, shaped by a childhood of parental absence, has always been intense but fragile, marked by the twin’s deep fear of abandonment. The woman’s attempt to set boundaries met with a dismissive reply, leaving her torn between love and exhaustion.

This story isn’t just about a sisterly spat; it’s a heartfelt dive into the complexities of twin dynamics, mental health, and the weight of unspoken expectations. As the woman navigates her pregnancy and her sister’s unpredictable reactions, it’s a poignant reminder of how joy can unearth hidden wounds. It’s a tale that resonates with anyone who’s juggled family love with personal peace.

‘I need advice! My (34F) identical twin sister (34F) upset that I’m pregnant. What can I do?’

UPDATE: Firstly, thank you to each and every one of you that replied. I have read them all. After some back to back angry messages from my sister about how she feels unimportant and taken for granted, I sent the below response with the intention of shutting the convo down.

I can't say if she has BPD as she hasn't been diagnosed nor ever seen a therapist (but has expressed she thinks it would be helpful), but she absolutely has some traits and coping mechanisms that correlate. My message to her (after the weekend) that was a mash up of responses from this thread and ChatGPT where I said she has BPD tendencies:.

Hi, I understand you are feeling hurt, but I need to be honest with you. This pattern, where you interpret things in the worst way and construct this narrative that I am trying to exclude you or push you away, is hurtful to me. I am very sad that this is your immediate reaction to the pregnancy.

I feel this is coming from a place of fear of abandonment and r**ection. I am worried you are trying to push me away to prove your negative, all-or-nothing thinking about me. I do not want to turn this moment in my life into a conflict with you. This pattern is exhausting and it’s beyond my ability to change this.

I acknowledge communication is normally initiated by me, and I have been less proactive lately as I have had a lot going on. However, you have not flagged this at all prior, or asked me if anything is wrong, and so I know this is coming from your tendency to get triggered and angry when you feel excluded or rejected.

All I can do is try and reassure you that you are my twin sister, of course I love you and want you in my life. You are important to me, and I hope over time you will see this as a positive thing, and that your family is growing too and that you can feel positive about being an aunty.

The back-and-forth messages are hurtful and counterproductive. I love you and of course want you in my life, now and always. I know it was really helpful for me to see a psychologist to deal with some difficult parts of our childhood.

Lt's talk on the phone when we are both feeling calmer, and you have had a chance to process things. Alternatively, we can move forwards when you are feeling better without letting this misunderstanding come between us if you don’t want to talk about it.. \-

She replied about 10 days later saying 'oh let's forget about this whole thing and you've had a lot going on'. She then group messaged me, my husband and her BF to congratulate my husband which was weird as we do not all four talk in a chat.

Since then she has not spoken to me, and I know she wants me to reach out and call her to smooth it over and she may be feeling embarrassed now that her angry high has diffused. I normally would take the higher ground and do that,

but I'm feeling exhausted and worried that pandering to her will validate her reaction which imo was totally inappropriate and hurtful. I'm thinking I just leave things for now and hope that I'm being reasonable.

For those who asked how we are different given we had the same upbringing. I moved interstate when in my 20s and it helped me tremendously to be an individual and make my own choices and have my own life.

My dad has a younger second family with stepkids and watching him be Mr Dad when he wasn't around for us hurt a lot. It was just easier for me to step away and have some distance. I also saw a therapist. My sister lives in the same city as him and he invites her round like twice a year which hurts her feelings a lot.. Original post:

I need advice. I told my twin sister that I was pregnant (first time, I'm 13wks) and she first said congratulations and that it was exciting news. The next day she sent me a giant text saying that I haven't been communicating to her, that if I don't want to see her or want space I can just say and that she feels really unimportant and hurt.

I replied that she is still very important to me, I'm sorry she is hurt but that she is a big part of my life and nothing will change. I assumed she was feeling insecure or threatened. She then sent me another long, angry message about how I don't communicate, I don't want to see her apparently or visit,

I'm choosing not to tolerate her or include her and she can't do anything unless I change how I behave. A few things for context. We live in different states. Our own mother left us when we were 14, our parents had us when they were 20 years old and my dad was not around much.

She has a heightened sense of r**ection and a huge fear of abandonment and some really unhealthy patterns. She has been festering on this and warped all these events and weaved them together to make it some story about how I am horrible and haven't been treating her properly.

She complained that she attended my wedding and helped my now husband pick out a ring, and 'this is how I'm treating her'. It makes zero sense. She is saying I am excluding her, but literally complaining about times she has been included?

We have been communicating, probably less than usual because I usually am responsible for initiating most of our contact and I have been less proactive lately because I have been dealing with my own feelings. I don't know what to do.

I want to shut this down because these back and forth a via messenger are hurtful and just feeds her pattern. I truly feel there's nothing I can say to make her feel better and I just have to let her process this and ride it out. It's really hurtful to me though.

I have done nothing wrong in my own opinion and she said it has nothing to do with the pregnancy, yet she blew up the day after I told her. She is being so irrational and unreasonable from my end, and it hurts that this is how she has chosen to react.

I'm so sick of her treating me like garbage when she wants to, and I'm sick of having to be the 'parent' in this relationship. She has not once voiced concerns about the frequency of my communication with her over the last month or so, or asked if anything's going or comment that I seem quiet etc.

I don't know what to do here. I feel like I can't win and she just wants to be angry and view me like this. Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can say, or has anyone been through something similar with a sibling/relative?

Also to add I found out at 8 weeks. I had a really stressful month prior because my MIL passed unexpectedly and it was just really hard on my husband who loved her very much. So the timing of the news was hard to process. My sister knew about my MIL.

I think I knew deep down she wasn't going to just be happy for me and I needed to process my own feelings and circumstances before I dealt with hers. Just to add in response to a few comments - this is not the first time she has blown up. And it's not just me.

She has this pattern with me and whoever she is in a relationship with. It was really bad with her last partner for 7 years, and every visit I have made to her there has been similar incidents with her current boyfriend.

E.g her boyfriend said their mutual friend has a date with someone, and she asked who, and he said this cute girl from rock climbing and she lost it. She was so angry and said if her prefers girls at rock climbing then he should be with them etc. It made no sense.

They had the fight in the uber and I was unfortunately in the middle seat between them. This is one small example, but I could see from her boyfriend' response her patterns have continued. To be clear I love my sister. When she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years we saw each other about 8 times that year because I know she needed the support.

She stayed with me and my husband for several long weekends and holidays and I always made sure we were spending tons of 1:1 time together and doing things she enjoyed. I knew that she was not going to have a normal response to my pregnancy, and I'm sad she is reacting in a way that is stressing me out so much.

The woman’s pregnancy announcement, meant to be a moment of shared joy, instead triggered her twin sister’s deep-seated fears, revealing a pattern of emotional volatility. The twin’s angry messages, accusing her sister of exclusion despite their close history, reflect a fear of abandonment likely rooted in their childhood with an absent mother and distant father. The woman’s firm response, addressing possible BPD-like traits, was a brave attempt to set boundaries, but the twin’s delayed, dismissive reply suggests unresolved issues that continue to strain their bond.

This situation highlights a broader issue: navigating mental health challenges in family dynamics. A 2024 study by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 60% of families report strained relationships due to untreated mental health issues, often exacerbated by poor communication (https://www.nami.org). The twin’s behavior, marked by all-or-nothing thinking, aligns with BPD traits, though undiagnosed, complicating efforts to maintain harmony.

Psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan, a BPD expert, notes, “Validation doesn’t mean agreement; it means acknowledging someone’s emotions as real” (https://www.linehaninstitute.org). The woman’s message validated her sister’s feelings while asserting her own needs, a balanced approach. However, the twin’s refusal to engage constructively suggests therapy could help her process her triggers.

To move forward, the woman might maintain her boundary of limited contact, as she’s doing, to protect her pregnancy from stress. A brief, loving message—like, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk calmly”—keeps the door open without pandering. Encouraging therapy gently, perhaps by sharing her own positive experience, could support her sister’s growth. Open dialogue about their shared past might eventually rebuild trust, fostering a healthier bond.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit users offered a mix of empathy and tough love, recognizing the woman’s pain in facing her twin’s irrational outburst. Many saw the twin’s reaction as tied to abandonment fears, possibly linked to BPD-like traits, and urged the woman to hold firm boundaries to avoid enabling the behavior.

Others, including fellow twins, shared similar experiences, noting that such dynamics often require the “adult” sibling to step back and let the other process their emotions independently. Suggestions included encouraging therapy and focusing on her own well-being during pregnancy.

Spinnerofyarn − She is saying I am excluding her, but literally complaining about times she has been included? We have been communicating, probably less than usual because I usually am responsible for initiating most of our contact and I have been less proactive lately because I have been dealing with my own feelings.

I think it's time to call her out on this. 'You say I don't communicate and exclude you, but I'm the one who makes the phone calls for us to talk. I'm the one initiating contact. If you want more contact and communication, then you need to do your part and call me instead of waiting for me to call you.

If she keeps arguing, tell her you're done with the conversation, and it's time to change the subject and if she can't do that right now, then you'll be getting off the phone and she can call you when she's ready to talk about something else. Put the ball in her court. If she wants things to change, she needs to do the work.

ArcanaeumGuardianAWC − It sounds like she's offended that she was part of the 'safe to tell everyone because we're out of the first trimester' group, and not the, 'I just found out and this is my immediate support crew' announcement. In general the 'wait 12 weeks' rule is for most people.

Obviously, the mother usually loops in their partner much sooner, and in many cases they have 1-2 other people who they tell for practical reasons, or because they trust their discretion and want their support in the first trimester. It seems your sister is hurt that you didn't want her help and/or didn't trust her discretion for that time period. You didn't do anything wrong.

Many people just tell their partner, and if there are others it may be people that are less emotionally tied into the pregnancy than a family member would be, because they'd be less emotionally affected in the event something went wrong and could be a stronger source of support. She is entitled to her feelings, but she's not entitled to take them out on you because she was not owed anything.

MouseAndLadybug − INFO: Is she married/in a relationship and does she have children?

Tygress23 − Please look into borderline personality disorder. Best of luck to you!

Solid_Chemist_3485 − As a twin myself, with many twin friends, I’ve seen similar freak outs in twin dynamics. And even with close female siblings. And that’s all I have to say, because I’ve always been friends with “the adult” behaving twin or sister, such as yourself.

I’ve never seen any of them be able to do anything to change the irrationality of their sisters, despite having seen them try different tactics. . In the end, the whining, ungrounded person is the only one who can alter their own behavior. . Please update us. Twin dynamics are hard. Wishing you the best. Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

TrustTechnical4122 − You can't continue to baby her. Here is an example thing to say: 'Hey. I'm sorry you feel like I've been excluding you, I never want to make you feel that way, but I'm kind of at a loss as to where this is coming from.

I feel like I am usually the one to make the effort, which honestly I can't always do completely, both people have to make the effort. Frankly I've been dealing with some stuff lately and just haven't had as much time to be the one always reaching out

and you haven't once been the one to do that or even asked me if everything is okay, which is frustrating, but if you have a problem with our communication, I would expect you to at the least say something. And you haven't.

I love you so much, but I'm quite frankly so so hurt. I told you about possibly the biggest news of my life, something so happy and exciting (though a bit nerve-wracking!) and instead of asking me about it, trying to take charge of being the reaching-out one, through this fun but scary time,

or supporting me really in any way, within a day you've been saying emotionally hurtful things. I love you so much, but I'm having feelings that instead of putting in the effort to stay close, as I always do, you are acting out, at a time which is the least ideal.

I thought you would be so excited and happy for me, and doing what you could to support me, but instead I feel like since this is kicking up within a day of me telling you, you are unhappy and wanting me to fix it. This is big for me. Stress is bad for the baby.

It's not fair that I always have to be the one making effort and making everything right. I want to hear your feelings, but frankly if you keep responding as you have been, I may take some time to reply.

Not getting overly stressed is important to my baby, your niece or nephew, and I would have expected you to step up a bit and be there for me instead of needing me to be there for you.

Reply as you will, but it's important to me to stand up for myself, and during the pregnancy and after I am going to have to enforce my boundaries more, for the sake of my baby. I hope you can understand this and want to have a great and supportive relationship right now, it would mean so much to me, and the baby when he/she comes!

I love you so much, so I hope you will help me during this weird but exciting time, and I'm so excited for the relationship you will have with your niece/nephew!' Sorry I know it's long, and that's an example. But stand up for yourself, say your truth, reinforce you love your sister and nothing will change that

Emphasize the fact that she's going to be an aunt (not that you will have another person vying for your attention), and just let the chips fall where they may. If she can't be helpful, take more steps back. You have an actual child depending on you now, and you can't keep parenting your sister.

Angel-4077 − You can shut it down. Tell her if she sends another rude message you WILL stop talking to her because you are not her Mommy and she needs to grow up. stop placating her .

mustrememberthis709 − Sounds a bit like BPD to be honest.

For2n8Witch − Your sister needs a therapist. Suggest it lovingly. 'You're lashing out at me lately and I know it's because of big life changes and childhood trauma. I love you. I want you to be Auntie. But I'm worried about you and your mental health. Please see a therapist regularly so we can have a close sisterhood again.'

Rayzerwolf − Her feelings are on her. As a twin myself, the jealousy of seeing the other succeed or advance in life when their own hasn't moved forward can sometimes create negative feelings.

Yeah, it hurts when you can't share your happiness with them, but you don't need to let thier negative feelings diminish you goals and accomplishment. I just let things go and do ehat makes me happy.

This heart-wrenching tale of a twin’s anger overshadowing a pregnancy announcement reveals the delicate balance of love and boundaries in family ties. The woman’s choice to pause contact, resisting the urge to smooth things over, reflects strength in prioritizing her peace and her baby’s health.

It’s a reminder that even the closest bonds can fray under unspoken hurts. Share your experiences—how have you handled a loved one’s irrational reactions during a joyful moment?

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