How can I navigate my (32F) Husband’s (34M) eating habits?

In a quiet kitchen, a 32-year-old doctor collapses onto a chair, exhausted from a 28-hour shift, craving a simple snack. But the fridge stares back, empty—her husband, a gym enthusiast, has devoured everything, even her cherished “safe” foods.

This isn’t just about groceries; it’s about boundaries, understanding, and the strain of clashing needs. Her trauma-driven food preferences collide with his high-calorie habits, leaving her hungry and unheard. Can they find a way to share their kitchen and keep their love intact?

‘How can I navigate my (32F) Husband’s (34M) eating habits?’

I'm curled up on the floor of my bathroom and I've realized I've hit a breaking point. I just finished a 28 hour shift so I apologize if this is incomprehensible. My (32F) husband (34M) has always been a big eater. He's a big gym-goer so him consuming an upwards of 9-10k calories a day has always been his norm. His parents even said it nearly bankrupted their family trying to feed him through puberty. He's still very lean.. It's never caused issues until I started residency.

We share groceries, and on my days off we try and get out to the grocery store together for a big grocery run. Unfortunately, due to a hospitalization as a child caused by a major food handling issue in my school (me and almost 100 other students were hospitalized) I am working through strong aversions to 'unsafe' foods.

I'm working with a psychiatrist about it (and have been since I was a child) and have my 'safe' foods (which are generally dry pantry goods or very specific items otherwise).. We buy huge quantities, our grocery bill works out to be about $1k/month (we don't have kids). Recently, all of this food has been disappearing within 5-6 days.

He drinks about a gallon of milk a day, half a box of cereal, an entire package of chicken, multiple large tubs of yogourt and entire blocks of cheese- this doesn't even include his midnight snacks. This is one day. I can sometimes get in a bite or two of the food I bought before I find the empty packages in the pantry the next day. It's almost insult to injury that he puts the empty packages back instead of in the garbage.

It's not uncommon I come home to an empty fridge- most days I'm too exhausted coming home to even bother ordering takeout- I've fallen asleep too many times on the couch just to wake up the next day with the food untouched on the front door mat. My only saving grace is that my residency program pays for meals while we're on shift so at least I get 2/3 meals a day at the hospital- that is, if I have a chance to eat on shift.

I begged my husband to get seen by a doctor (I was concerned about a thyroid issue, an eating disorder, or even insane diagnoses like Prader-Willi) and he dragged his feet before inevitably going. Nothing awry with his labwork by any means which totally stunned me. He hasn't gained any weight. He isn't binging and purging (at least from what he's told me) and he doesn't display any signs that he would be purging.

I asked if he felt upset or stressed with my long work hours (I work around 80 hours a week) and he said he was coping fine. The biggest issue I'm facing is that I'm constantly coming home to an empty fridge/cabinet. The best I can do is ketchup with salt and pepper because of how efficiently he clears out any food item.

He has tried to cook for me in the past but gets fidgetey waiting for me to come home (the most recent example I have is him preparing two lage pans of lasagna- he ate it all in one sitting before I even got home). Even groceries I explicitly bought for myself and my husband knows are my safe foods get eaten because he 'forgot' or 'thought I wouldn't eat them anyways.'

He does have severe ADHD he is getting medicated so the forgetfulness I can sometimes forgive but I have even started designating specific shelves/drawers to be mine or putting up signs on food I want to be saved- it doesn't stop him. I just want to be able to have a snack when I get home without wondering if the cabinet will be empty.

My next step was to look at putting a fridge in our basement with a lock so I have my own safe stash of food but I shouldn't have to go down that extreme. I seriously wonder if a locked fridge would even deter him. I'm at a total impasse of what to do now. I've asked my colleagues both for medical

and personal advice and they've expressed concerns that he's doing this maliciously if we can't find a reason otherwise. He's been the light of my life and is a fantastic partner in so many ways outside of the food situation so I'm at a loss. But coming home today to find the one bag of veggie straws I asked him to save for me gone just broke me.

This food-sharing fiasco highlights a couple stretched thin by demanding lives and differing needs. Her residency’s grueling hours and food aversions, rooted in childhood trauma, make reliable snacks a lifeline. His massive calorie intake, driven by fitness goals and ADHD-related impulsivity, wipes out their $1,000 monthly grocery haul in days, leaving her stranded.

Such conflicts aren’t rare: a 2023 study by the Journal of Family Psychology found 25% of couples face disputes over household resource allocation, like food (source: APA). “Clear boundaries are crucial in high-stress relationships,” says Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist (source: Psychology Today). “Respecting each partner’s essentials fosters trust.”

His forgetfulness, despite her signs and designated shelves, suggests a communication gap, not malice. ADHD can impair impulse control, per a 2022 NIH study, affecting 10% of adults in daily tasks like food management (source: NIH). Yet, her needs—nutrition and comfort—must be prioritized, too.

Solutions? Dr. Heitler suggests, “Negotiate specific food zones and restocking plans.” A separate, accessible mini-fridge for her safe foods (no locks needed) could work, alongside a weekly meal prep he respects. Couples counseling might help align their priorities.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s takes are like a potluck—varied, bold, and full of flavor. Here’s what they served up:

TheButtLovingFox − This isn't normal. dude has to have fuckin parasites, or a serious mental issue or is binging somehow.

oilspill555 − He is the light of your life, but he also doesn't care if you literally starve because him eating as much as 5 normal humans per day is more important? Nobody, no matter how much they work out, unless they are literally in the process of climbing Mount Everest, needs to eat 10k calories a day.

Where is this guy right now? Where is he when you try to order food but fall asleep out of exhaustion? Where is he when you go to the kitchen and there's no food there? What does he say? It's weird how so many people are like, 'Well my partner is perfect except for the fact that they don't really care if I live or die, and in fact appears to be subtly trying to kill me.

What do I do, Reddit?' I really don't believe this is the only domain in which your husband is selfish and uncaring. But even if it is, sometimes that 'one' bad thing is bad enough to disqualify a person from being a suitable partner. You're a doctor, in your downtime you need to eat and sleep, not spend your time curled up in the bathroom pondering why your husband is this mind-boggling level of immature and selfish or what you can do to change him.

goodbye-toilet-cat − He doesn’t give a s**t about you and doesn’t care that you suffer when HIS choices result in you starving. He’s adhd, he’s this he’s that. Waiting for the actual adhd redditors to come in and say they don’t starve their partners due to their neurodivergence. Edit thank you all for chiming in and confirming that neurodivergence doesn’t make you, or your spouse, or your kid, an a**hole!

Witchynana − I agree with you coworkers that there is an element of malicious there. He would be a medical marvel to be able to eat that much and remain thin. Honestly I would leave.

harrietfurther − He either can't control himself or he won't. If he can't, it would be because of an ED or some other issue that is causing him insatiable hunger. But you say there's no signs of purging (it would surely be noticeable at this scale, in his health or quite frankly in the plumbing backing up) and his bloodwork is fine.

So maybe he won't. Are you absolutely sure he's eating the food and not disposing of it? Unfortunately it's not uncommon to hear of people messing with their partner's food but eating, say, 2 pans of lasagne out of spite seems pretty difficult to physically do. You see the empty packages (which in itself is a bit suspicious) but can you check the garbage to see if the food is there instead?

Either way you can't continue like this. He went to get bloodwork under pressure but he seems supremely unconcerned that you're working so hard and can't even get a meal or a snack when you get home. You could end up getting sick yourself living on hospital meals snatched whenever you have 10 minutes.

You need to know there's safe, nutritious and comforting food available to you. It's a basic need.. Not to mention that you're presumably contributing to this £1k bill for food you don't eat? I would tell him he needs to take responsibility for fixing this, show that he's taking steps immediately or you're gone. You don't deserve this s**t.

Lopsided-Sky396 − There seems to be two issues: - That amount of food is f**king OBSCENE! That's like running a marathon across the antarctic in your pants level of calorie consumption. -His lack of respect for you. There is absolutely NO good reason why someone needs to eat 2 trays of lasagne and can't have the mindfulness to leave you a single slice come on!

If this is clearly affecting you both physically and mentally, and he's not taking this seriously, it's not a small problem it's a big one that you should maybe speak to a professional about. And if he needs 10k calories a day? Buy some high calorie protein shake like a normal person instead of eating enough lasagne for a multiple wife Mormon family for fucks sake.

drb1tchcraft − I have ADHD and have never starved my partner. Please reconsider this relationship.

MiloTheMagnificent − My ex was like this. Perfectly lean and muscled body. I got to the point that I was making him. Something to eat every hour. My whole life revolved around shopping for his food, making his food, planning for the next meal. It was exhausting. It was awful. This is not the life you want. It’s not sustainable. And he doesn’t care about you the way you care for him.

Eggggsterminate − The problem isn't that he is eating a lot, the problem is that he doesn't even consider you. He seems to just not care. If he would care he would leave you food. And btw if isn't capable of leaving food in the house for you, if he is literally eating everything, then he is binging food. He seems to be out of control around food. That's a binge-eating disorder. Because you can't tell me he is actually hungry after one pan of lasagna!

Anxious_Reporter_601 − Don't stay with a man who is happy for you to starve while he gorges himself.

These Redditors push for action, but are they too quick to judge his intentions? One thing’s clear: an empty fridge is no one’s friend.

This tale of a vanishing pantry reveals how love can strain under life’s pressures. Her hunger for safe foods clashes with his voracious appetite, but a middle ground—clear boundaries and shared effort—could restock their harmony. It’s a reminder that even small acts, like saving a snack, can nourish a relationship. What’s your take—how would you keep the fridge stocked for both? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this kitchen conundrum?

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