How do I (38F) tell my mom (74F) who has Alzheimer’s that I’m breaking my promise to let her host Thanksgiving?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The scent of turkey and pie usually marks Thanksgiving as a time for family warmth, but for one woman, it’s a looming storm of guilt and tough choices. Her mother, newly diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, clings to a promise to host the holiday in her new home—a home now marred by hoarding, a feral cat’s messes, and unsafe chaos. The daughter, torn between honoring her word and protecting her family, faces a heart-wrenching dilemma.

This Reddit story pulls us into the raw reality of caregiving for a parent with Alzheimer’s, where love clashes with practicality. How do you tell a mother, grappling with a fading mind, that her dream of hosting can’t happen? It’s a tale of duty, heartbreak, and the delicate dance of dignity, urging us to ask: how do we balance promises with safety?

‘How do I (38F) tell my mom (74F) who has Alzheimer’s that I’m breaking my promise to let her host Thanksgiving?’

About three years ago, my sister (28F) and I noticed my mom (74F) was having memory problems. I live a few hours away but tried to get her help. Unfortunately, she rejected help because she was in denial about it until this year. About six months ago, my mom came to me and finally admitted she knew something was wrong and wanted help.

When she came to me, I told her that she should move closer to where I live so I could help her. I did not get back home to visit very often but knew there would be more resources in my city than where she still lived in my old hometown.

My hometown is a small, rural town in Appalachia where the medical care there is very bad, whereas I live in a large city with a medical university and good healthcare options. My mom was hesitant at first about the change but ultimately found a place to live.

When she agreed to buy it, she had one condition - she wanted to host Thanksgiving at her new house - and I readily agreed. I’ve always usually hosted it at one of my houses and some of my siblings (there are several of us) always come.

I like hosting and we always have a great time, however, if this is how my mom agrees to accept help, I’m happy to let her host. The closing moves along and my siblings and I go to our hometown to move her.. We arrive for moving day and discover her house is **disgusting.

We’d always known she was a bit of a hoarder but it was beyond *any* of our worst nightmares. We were in over our heads but all took a little additional time off work. We spent a week filling dumpsters and got what was salvageable cleaned up and packed up.

I was, to be honest, scared and intimidated by what I’d signed up for. My mom and I have not always had the best relationship. Even with reduced mental capacity, she can be cruel but still, I’d promised to help so I continued on my plan. As of today, she’s been living in a house next to me for a couple months now.

My mom basically stays at my house a large percentage of the day. In the evening, I go to her house to do chores and she will stay home to sleep at her house. I’ve gotten her under the care of amazing doctors and they have rapidly figured out that she has Alzheimer’s. Things are changing quickly.

Since we just got her formally diagnosed we are just now eligible to get her more help but the process has just begun. For now, my family and I help her at her house daily but it is hard. She will not listen to our advice. She is buying garbage from Wish and filling her house up again.

We clean every day but she messes it up faster. She has taken in a feral cat who shits on her stove every day, no matter how many clean litter boxes we put out. When I tell her the cat should go back outside, she cries. Today my mom reminded me that I promised she could host Thanksgiving.

My siblings do not want to eat there and I don’t blame them. No matter how much I clean, none of them trust her house since the move. Some of them know about the stove-shitting cat.. How do I tell her I’m taking back hosting? (about my user— I’m posting this on behalf of my mom and aunt, as they don’t use Reddit but want an outside opinion!)

Breaking a promise to a parent with Alzheimer’s is like walking a tightrope over a sea of guilt. The daughter’s commitment to let her mom host Thanksgiving was made with love, but the reality—hoarding, an unsanitary home, and a stove-defiling cat—demands a shift. As Dr. Jason Karlawish, an Alzheimer’s expert, notes, “Caregivers must prioritize safety while preserving dignity.” The mother’s condition escalates the risks of hosting.

This situation reflects a broader caregiving challenge: balancing autonomy with protection. A 2023 Alzheimer’s Association report states that 70% of dementia patients live at home, often requiring family to make tough calls. The mother’s hoarding and refusal to rehome the cat signal cognitive decline, complicating her ability to host safely.

Dr. Karlawish suggests “therapeutic fibbing” to ease distress: “Redirect with compassion.” The daughter could say, “The stove’s broken, so let’s host at my place—you’ll still be the star!” This preserves her mom’s pride while ensuring safety. For long-term solutions, the family should expedite professional help, like in-home aides, as AgingCare recommends. Legal steps, like activating the power of attorney, are critical to manage her finances and living conditions. The daughter’s doing her best—now’s the time to lean on resources and siblings to share the load.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s crew jumped into this caregiving conundrum with heart and hustle, dishing out a mix of practical tips and tough love, like a family potluck where everyone’s got a recipe to share. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd, brimming with empathy and a touch of grit:

goodbye-toilet-cat − Unplug her stove and tell her it’s broken, so sad … going to be very expensive to fix and the repairman is booked solid. but she can “host” at your house?

Ancient-Actuator7443 − When this happened with my mom we removed all the knobs to the stove. Your mom should not be cooking by the sound of it. Can she host at your house? That way she can have supervision. Tell her stove is broken

senioroldguy − You or someone in your family needs to take full control of your mom's life. Who has your mom's durable power of attorney? Be assured, your mom will hate you for it, until she forgets, but you are past time to take over your mom's life completely. (I've been there).

Revolutionary-Yak-47 − Ooof. OP, I've been through this with a grandparent. I'm sorry you guys worked so long to address this. The time to get control of her finances and medical care was YEARS ago, by the time you get 'official diagnoses' people with dementia are usually pretty far gone.

I'm gonna be clear here, there is no painless way to do this. None. The disease is brutal and ya'll waited far too long to have important conversations - she's not going to really understand them now. This is going to suck and hurt *no matter what you do.

Tantrums, meltdowns and panic attacks are the new normal, this disease is terrifying for the patient. You can't avoid them 100%. The person you remember is not coming back. I'm so incredibly sorry, it's a really awful thing and it's so dammed painful to live through.

You and your family are going to have to really bite the bullet and get used to lying to her, and taking over even when she doesn't want you to. This is as much as you guys problem as a her problem - you cannot let her be in charge anymore.

You need to have some fas, hard conversations about how her care is managed, who manages the POA and at what point you put her in memory care for her own safety. This is not going to end with Thanksgiving. It's just beginning.

My grandmother lasted 14 years after she was unable to manage her own daily care. I'm begging you, find resources to preserve your own sanity and build an armour against her. This is a long road and Thanksgiving won't be the last time you have to put your foot down some, lie some and manage her. 

x3lilbopeep − You are going to have to put the cat back outside or to a shelter. It is not something that you need to be worrying about right now. Definitely unplug the stove and let her discover it is broken on her own time. It's not going to be fun but you have to tell her that the gathering will not be at her place. She is losing her mind and her life, it's a cruel disease, so show grace, but be direct.

lookthepenguins − Contact your local / nearest Alzheimers or Dementia org for useful effective respectful and stress-least tactics and tips to manage a loved one with memory-loss issues. Sorry you’re all experiencing this, it’s really hard.

You need to get onto that hoarding again before it turns into an elder n**lect scenario. Plus the other legalities other redditors mentioned. Compassionate lies, redirecting, etc is useful. If she has tantrums and hissy fits, get inventive, redirect, and deal with it. Best of luck to you all!

throwRAGmaThanksgiv − (I’m going to give my mom’s run-down of the frequently asked questions/ comments we’ve gotten. For context, the person posting this is me, F(18), my mom is (F38), and her mom— my grandma, is (F74). I recognize this is confusing, and apologize!).

I am OP’s mom. I asked her to post this for my sister and I. Some things to realize:. - When we say we JUST got a diagnosis, we mean this week. Until just a couple months ago, the only two ways to confirm an Alzheimer’s diagnosis was a spinal tap or a PET scan.

There is some sort of backup on ordering meds to do a PET Scan. The spinal tap is painful and poses risks for people with certain conditions. There is now a blood test called a PTau217 that can be used to diagnose. She had it and it just came back positive.

- I am an attorney. I have JUST gotten a POA for my mom. I realize exactly how bad this is. Even with an entire law degree at my disposal, you can’t just Britney Spears someone because you think they aren’t living right. There is a process to take control of someone’s life and, unfortunately, that process requires a diagnosis.

In the belly of Appalachia, my mom was not seeing a doctor for this in any meaningful sense. She moved here to the city two months ago and I got her in to a neurologist as soon as I could. I’ve got her in a senior recreation program.

I am doing everything I can for her.. - We are from a culture that views nursing homes as abandonment. This is a harder one. We understand that our current situation is not tenable or sustainable. We’re going to have to make hard decisions soon but that time has just arrived.

When she first came to me for help, I suggested a nursing home and it was rejected. Angrily. Without any medical basis to demand that outcome, I played the hand I was dealt and that meant getting her here, getting her safe, and getting her medical care to get a diagnosis.. - I am doing the best I can. My mom is adjusting to her diagnosis and I am brand new to being a child of an Alzheimer’s patient.

I’m not alone, though, and have a fuckton of siblings and they have a say in all this, too. I know I need to take control for her and I am, however, I am also cognizant of the fact that this is an elderly woman who just received a terminal diagnosis and moved several hundred miles from the mountains and only home she has known. I am trying to give her the dignity that I would want in the same situation. I am doing my best to navigate a situation where the terrain changes every single day.

KrofftSurvivor − This is bigger than Thanksgiving - you are describing someone who should not be living independently, and it's time to start talking about long term care options. I mean, it's a good thing that she's under better medical care and things seem to be improving, but your description of better is not a description of safe to live unsupervised.. Op, you point out that you are posting for your mother and your aunt.

They need to talk to your mother's physician and figure out the best way to transition her to a living situation with full time supervision, and unfortunately, they need to understand that this is not going to be something she's going to cooperate with. Once she is settled into a permanent living situation that is safe for her throughout the progression of her diagnosis, she is likely to be happier in the long run. . I'm so sorry.

NewNameAgainUhg − It's gaslighting on the table? Could it be possible to convince her that she agreed to have Thanksgiving in *your* house instead?. On another note, is it possible to hire a cleaner to make everyone's life easier?

Interesting_Setting − Sounds like you need to arrange for the cat to 'go missing,' aka taken to a shelter.

These Redditors rallied around the daughter’s struggle, offering clever workarounds like “breaking” the stove and blunt advice on taking control. Some see the mother’s dream as a fleeting anchor, others a safety hazard. But are their suggestions practical enough, or do they miss the emotional weight? One thing’s clear—this Thanksgiving tussle has sparked a lively debate. Where do you stand on her promise-breaking bind?

This story lays bare the brutal truth of Alzheimer’s caregiving: love doesn’t shield you from impossible choices. The daughter’s promise to her mother was a gesture of hope, but safety must trump sentiment. By redirecting the holiday with care, she can honor her mom’s spirit without risking harm. Have you ever had to break a promise to protect someone you love? How would you navigate this delicate dance? Share your thoughts below and let’s support each other through the tough calls.

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