My (41f) husband (46m) is not contributing to our home, what should I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy suburban home, the hum of a dishwasher masks a quieter tension. A 41-year-old woman, let’s call her Sarah, stares at her laptop, crunching numbers that refuse to add up. Her dream house, bought with years of careful saving, feels more like a financial trap. Her husband, Bob, promised to share the load, but his contributions have dwindled to a trickle. Sarah’s exhaustion is palpable, her spirit worn thin by broken promises and mounting bills.

Sarah’s story, shared on Reddit, pulls us into her world of resilience and quiet despair. With two daughters from a previous relationship relying on her, she juggles their needs and a crumbling partnership. Her struggle resonates with anyone who’s felt the weight of carrying more than their share, painting a vivid picture of a woman fighting to keep her family afloat.

‘My (41f) husband (46m) is not contributing to our home, what should I do?’

I (41 f) have been married to my husband (46 m) for 11 years. We had a pretty standard marriage in the beginning, but there were some red flags that I chose to ignore. My husband, let’s call him Bob, is a bit overbearing and loud. It can be intimidating at times, but my children (from a previous relationship) love him and call him dad.

Bob and I married in 2013. It was a very happy time for us as his family welcomed me and my girls with open arms. The problems started shortly after.. But for the main issue. 2019 I bought our dream house. This purchase was not made on a whim, but with careful thought and budgeting.

Bob and I came to an agreement that bills will be split 60/40 with me paying the 60%, since I made a little more than him at the time. All bill were paid as agreed the first month. The second month he was short, then he told me his check was being garnished.

I understood and told him that I would pay a little more until the garnishment was satisfied. 9 months later he told me that the garnishment was done and will be able to pay his portion of the home expenses as agreed.. He didn’t pay his portion as agreed.

I asked him what was going on and why he isn’t paying his portion. He basically told me that he was given no me what he could. At this point, he was contributing 10%. I was working a lot of overtime to maintain the home and was getting burnt out.

This went on (along with many conversations where he would promise to do more) until now. I have a salary position now so overtime is not an option. I had to borrow against my 401k to keep everything going.

I recently told him that if he doesn’t help, then I am going to get a second job.. He told me “just don’t burn yourself out”. I have been mentally checked out of this marriage for a few years now.

I worked multiple jobs as a single mother, and now finding myself doing the same thing But now, with a husband. He turns down counseling and doesn’t want to talk about money. I don’t know what else to do.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sarah’s plight highlights how financial imbalances can unravel even the strongest bonds. Her husband’s failure to contribute fairly has left her shouldering an unfair burden, a dynamic that relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls a “breach of trust.” In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman notes, “Partnership thrives on mutual accountability; without it, resentment festers”. Sarah’s resentment is evident—Bob’s empty promises have eroded their foundation.

This isn’t just about money; it’s about respect. Sarah’s situation mirrors a broader issue: financial infidelity, where one partner hides or mishandles money, affects 1 in 3 couples, per a 2018 study by the National Endowment for Financial Education. Bob’s garnished wages and vague excuses suggest deeper issues—perhaps debt or hidden spending—that he refuses to confront.

Gottman’s advice emphasizes open communication, but Bob’s dismissal of counseling complicates things. Sarah could set a clear deadline for Bob to contribute or face consequences, like separate finances. Consulting a financial advisor could help protect her assets, especially the house she bought alone. A therapist or divorce lawyer might offer clarity, ensuring her daughters see a model of self-respect.

Sarah deserves a partner who lightens her load, not adds to it. Her story underscores the importance of balancing love with accountability, a lesson that resonates far beyond her kitchen table.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s responses hit like a splash of cold water, cutting through Sarah’s fog of frustration. The community largely sees Bob as a freeloader, draining Sarah’s resources while offering little in return. Many highlight his minimal 10% contribution, noting it doesn’t even cover his share of expenses.

Others express concern for Sarah’s daughters, urging her to model self-respect by leaving a one-sided marriage. The prevailing sentiment pushes Sarah to consult a divorce lawyer, secure her finances, and consider downsizing her home to ease the strain.

UsuallyWrite2 − Why was he being garnished? Why can’t he pay now?. This guy sounds like a hobosexual with some kind of legal, gambling, or d**g problem.

AdGroundbreaking4397 − Do some maths. If he is only contributing 10% you don't need him, He adds more than 10% to the household bills. He doesnt even cover his own expenses. Does your Conservative family not believe that a man should(at the very least) financially provide for his wife and family. Should he not lighten your load instead of triple it?

Use there arguments against them.. Go see a divorce lawyer. Get their advice on the best way to legally separate yourself from him.. If you need support to do this go see a therapist. Your daughters deserve to see a realationship where ther mom is respected. They deserve to see you in a healthy relationship.

jjgill27 − Girl, you married a hobosexual.

Creepy_Push8629 − You tell him to move out ten years ago. What do you mean what do you do?

savory_thing − When you say “2019 I bought our dream house” does that mean he didn’t put anything towards the down payment, isn’t on the mortgage, doesn’t help paying the mortgage, isn’t listed as the owner along with you, and your agreement was only that he contributes 40% of the bills? If so, I hope you have some kind of prenup or postnup that precludes him from claiming half of the house when you finally divorce him.

Plus-Implement − He doesn't have any problems because you take care of everything so he has no incentive to go to counseling. Start by figuring out your finances and see what you need to do in order to afford your life without him.

It sounds like you are barely holding it together financially, frankly I'm a lot worried that you are house poor. You really have to have an honest talk with yourself about that. Your mental health and quality of life sound awful due to the stress.

Maybe deciding to get a smaller home or condo would be better. Borrowing against your 401K is trouble if anything happens to your job, the tax rate on that will crush you. Honestly, it sounds like you can mostly manage alone but rethink that house.

Your husband contributes almost nothing so why are you supporting him? Also why TF are his wages being garnished and what does he do with his money. Leave him. Ps - I hope you have a living trust, if anything happens to you, your girls will be SOL. He's already shown you who he is.

EntertainingTuesday − You don't know what else to do... What are your goals? Do you want to work on the relationship? Why when he doesn't want to and doesn't offer any support for you, the house, or the relationship.

Do you want to end the relationship? Then end it, talk to a divorce lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and serve him the divorce papers. Why continue like this, letting him leech of you while you set your finances up for failure in a house you can't afford?

I know divorce isn't easy, and this comment makes it seem so. Start somewhere, talk to a lawyer, find the money, this is important, they can skip the emotions you are feeling and tell you what is best for you.

nogood-deedsgo − I have a feeling money been a problem for this guy your whole relationship.

Reverend_Vader − Look at it this way Every day you remain married to him, your costs go up and your savings down, the divorce payout to him goes up a little, and your pension goes down a little.

Then, Every day you're not carrying him financially on your back, your savings go up and your costs go down, pension goes up, payout goes down. There is a reason i divorced my ex-wife right as it was most fiscally timely.

That reason was if i didn't i'd still be living (and owing) someone that had decided to simply use me to pay for their life and was putting nothing in due to debt and hidden spending/lending.

I didn't fancy doing that one day more than necessary because one party always has to pay the other if one earns more. Starting clearing that divorce debt now, as you'll never look back once you don't have a mooch attached to you anymore.

NetInfamous6918 − As a daughter, I resent my mom for being with a loser like the one you mentioned, for running herself ragged. It’s so hard to watch. It’s disturbing that a mother would break her back for a loser. For the love of god LEAVE

Sarah’s journey is a gut-punch reminder that love shouldn’t mean financial ruin. Her strength in holding her family together is inspiring, but the toll is undeniable.

As she faces a crossroads, her story invites us to reflect on the cost of carrying an unequal partnership. Share your thoughts, experiences, or advice in the comments—let’s keep this conversation going!

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