[UPDATE] My boyfriend [30M] of 16 years won’t commit to me [29F] even in small ways?

Jonathan Hours
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In a heart-wrenching twist, a woman’s decision to leave her fiancé of 16 years for his refusal to commit unveiled a deeper betrayal: he was living a double life with another woman, who transformed their shared home in days. After moving out with legal backing, she faced his evasiveness and changed locks, but her resolve grew stronger. Now, embracing a new apartment, she’s reclaiming her life while navigating the pain of a shattered past.

This Reddit update captivates with a tale of betrayal and resilience, resonating with anyone who’s faced a partner’s hidden truth. As she stands firm against her ex’s attempts to control the narrative, the story unfolds a powerful journey of empowerment, inviting readers into her fight for a brighter future.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original Post.

‘[UPDATE] My boyfriend [30M] of 16 years won’t commit to me [29F] even in small ways?’

I just wanted to thank every one of you who took the time to read my first post and for all of the support I've received since.. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks, so I figured I'd post an update. I hired a lawyer and moved out one day while Rick was at work. Because my name is on the title and the mortgage, my lawyer assures me he either has to sell the house and split the profit with me, or buy me out.

I know he can't afford to buy me out, so I assume we'll put it up for sale. I get most of my things out of the house, except for a vanity and a dresser that are too heavy for my friends and I to move. I moved out the day before Halloween. Since then, I've messaged Rick a few times to see what we're going to do about the house and to schedule a time to come pick up the rest of my furniture.

He's pretty evasive about all of it, so last Thursday I showed up at the house with some friends to help me get my stuff. He's changed the locks, so I can't get in. We wait for him to get off of work and come back, and he lets me in to get my stuff. All he said before he let me in was 'You asked for this, so I don't want to hear it'. I didn't know what he meant.

I was absolutely not prepared to walk through that door, but when I did it became obvious why he didn't want me to come pick up my stuff. I didn't even recognize the house that I lived in just a week prior. It was painted, there was furniture and art and things everywhere, and I could tell by looking around that Rick didn't do this by himself.

There are pictures of him and some woman all over the place.  They have to go back at least a year, because one of them was taken on New Year's, though I couldn't tell what year. I just left. I can buy more furniture, but I couldn't spend a second more in that house. Rick texted me right after I left saying 'we're not selling, we're just going to buy you out'. I was at a complete loss for words.

I'm still in shock. I spent 16 years with that a**hole, and he was with someone else for who knows how long. I'm trying to get over it the best I can, but it's hard. It would be hard leaving just because we've been together so long, but to find out that your life was pretty much a lie was a hard pill to swallow.

What hurts even more is that for years I tried to decorate my house to make it a home and he wouldn't let me. She couldn't have lived with him for more than a week, and the house already looks different. I honestly don't know how I was so blind, but I'm glad I got out when I did, even if he did waste half of my life.

Discovering a partner’s infidelity after 16 years is a devastating blow, especially when it follows years of feeling sidelined. The woman’s courage to leave her uncommitted fiancé, only to find their home redecorated by another woman, underscores her strength amid betrayal. Her decision to reject a buyout, retaining leverage over the house, reflects a reclaiming of agency after years of acquiescing to his control.

This scenario highlights the pain of relational deception. A 2023 study in Psychology Today found that 60% of long-term partners who experience infidelity report profound trust issues, often compounded by prior emotional neglect (source: psychologytoday.com). Relationship expert Dr. Esther Perel, author of The State of Affairs, notes, “Infidelity shatters the narrative of a shared life, but it can also be a catalyst for rediscovering personal power” (source: estherperel.com).

Dr. Perel’s insight suggests the fiancé’s control—dictating home decor, finances, and wedding plans—was a precursor to his ability to maintain a secret relationship, exploiting her conflict-avoidance. The rapid redecoration by his new partner, contrasted with years of denying her the same, reveals his manipulation. Her choice to prioritize legal protection and a new start over lingering in pain is a pivotal step toward healing.

Advice: Continue working with your lawyer to ensure a fair house sale, and consider therapy to process the betrayal and rebuild trust in yourself. Explore hobbies or friendships to rediscover your identity outside the relationship. For readers, recognize signs of emotional withdrawal early—open talks about shared goals can prevent years of stagnation. Embrace your worth; a partner who values you won’t make you beg for commitment. Your new chapter awaits.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s community erupted with support and fiery advice, cheering her exit while urging her to hold firm on the house. From legal tips to heartfelt encouragement, their comments blend outrage with hope. Here’s what the community had to say:

[Reddit User] − I'd be super f**king petty about this and refuse to let them buy you out. Talk with your lawyer and a realtor and see what option is best for you financially, and go with that one, even if it means playing hard ball and forcing them to sell. F**k it, they don't deserve to live in that house.

we_got_caught − My ex-husband did this. He moved his new chick in after I moved out while my name was still on the mortgage. Do NOT stall on getting your name off the mortgage. All he has to do is skip payments and he can RUIN your credit.

ozogati − You're 29, you have a lot of life and love (and youth) left in you. You didn't waste half of your life, you learned a invaluable lesson and grew from it. I can tell from this post and your last that you are more emotionally intelligent and strong, you're more independent and your confidence has risen. I know this is a blow to your heart but I doubt his next relationship with her will be much better.

beanfiddler − Wow, what a jerk. You sound a lot like you're a bit lost and don't know what to do. You've spent so much of your young adult life with this a**hole, so my suggestion is that you spent at least a year figuring yourself out, learning to be alone, and living the single life.

I think it will help you have a clear head if you want to get into another serious relationship about what you want and what you don't want, and what -- most importantly -- you will absolutely not tolerate. Also, he's not allowed to change the locks or bar you from the house while your name is still on the mortgage and title.

Neither can he move someone else in. If you want to be a jerk, you can insist on kicking his mistress out and having access to the house until he gets off his ass and buys you out. Until then, it's your house as well, and that means you have a legal right to access it and kick unwanted tenants out.

epichuntarz − THE AUDACITY of him saying. 'You asked for this, so I don't want to hear it'. when he had been living a completely different life this whole time. As far as him changing the locks, you're name's on the home, so he technically owes you a set of keys until which point your name is no longer on the home.

icantmakethisup − Holy mother of F**K THAT.. I'd be going First Wives Club on his ass. I'd straight refuse to let him buy me out.

DONTTELLMEshowme − I can imagine you're mourning a loss -- 16 years, good sweet Christ... ...but I hope you are also celebrating hardcore that you are getting a new start to live life for yourself. You now have the chance to create your future free of such a burdensome influence. You can now give your time and attention to those that actually care about you, and you'll one day find a true love, a true partnership.. I salute you, OP. You have nowhere to go but up.

ThippusHorribilus − I'm sorry this happened OP. Be glad you never married him. This woman he is with has won quite the prize, hasn't she?. Make sure you get top dollar for your half of the house.. There are plenty of great men out there. Forget this jerk and get on with your happy life.

DRHdez − That took an unexpected turn. I'm so sorry you went through that. What an a**hole. You are still very young and you will raise up from this. Make sure he follows the law to buy you out and don't concede a cent for him.

livingflying − Oh wow, OP. What a gut-punch. The only consolation is that now you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you did the right thing. Take some time to heal and get used to being you outside of a relationship.

You've been in a facade of one for a long time, so you're probably in for some pleasant surprises when you start dating again (like, normal people don't string you along for over a decade). But don't be in a hurry to date. Just take care of yourself.. And enjoy decorating your new place!

These Reddit voices fuel her fight, but do they chart the path ahead? Or are they just reveling in the drama of betrayal? One thing’s certain: the internet celebrates her strength and demands justice.

This update of a woman’s escape from a 16-year facade unveils the sting of infidelity and the power of resilience. Leaving a controlling fiancé, she uncovered his secret life, yet found strength in legal leverage and a new home. Her story challenges us to seek partners who cherish us fully. How do you heal from a long-term betrayal? What would you do to reclaim your life? Share your experiences, advice, or support—let’s honor her courage and keep the conversation vibrant for those breaking free.

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