I (29m) want to have my kids at our wedding, my girlfriend (28f) doesn’t. what do I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy living room filled with the chatter of two young girls, a wedding dream teeters on the brink of discord. A father, devoted to his neurodivergent daughters, envisions them at his side as he vows to build a new family. But his girlfriend, yearning for one day of undivided love, draws a line: no children at the wedding. Their clash isn’t just about a guest list—it’s a tug-of-war between blending a family and carving out a moment for two.

With love for the girls binding them, yet differing visions pulling them apart, the couple’s once-solid bond feels rocky. The girls, aged 5 and 7, adore their future stepmom, but her stance sparks questions about what family means. As marriage plans stall, Reddit’s chorus of voices offers sharp insights, urging the father to navigate this delicate dance of love and loyalty. Can they find harmony before the music stops?

‘I (29m) want to have my kids at our wedding, my girlfriend (28f) doesn’t. what do I do?’

I have two daughters, 5 and 7 (both neurodivergent) from a previous marriage, which was fraught from day one starting well before the wedding. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple of years and started talking about getting married.

When the subject of whether or not children would be present, I said that I at least wanted my kids there for the ceremony. She said absolutely no children, that she wanted one day where all of my focus was on just the two of us.

From my perspective, we're joining our family and having my girls there seems natural, and conversely not having them there feels weird and wrong. From her perspective, she's been through a lot of terrible s**t, and having one day that is just about her and our love doesn't seem like a big ask.

For context, my girls love her, and she loves them. She plays with them, engages with their interests, and has helped me navigate some of the rougher patches of co-parenting.. Basically how do I navigate this? Our relationship has been rocky since this disagreement.

This wedding standoff isn’t just about a day—it’s about defining family in a blended dynamic. The father’s desire to include his daughters reflects a commitment to unity, while his girlfriend’s push for a child-free event reveals her need for a moment unburdened by parenting. Her advocacy for the girls’ well-being, especially their neurodivergent needs, adds nuance, but excluding them risks alienating a core part of their shared life.

Neurodivergent children, particularly those with autism and ADHD, often struggle with sensory overload and routine changes. The Autism Society notes that 1 in 36 children has autism, with many facing challenges in noisy, unpredictable settings like weddings. Dr. Temple Grandin, in a Psychology Today article, advises, “Accommodations like quiet spaces can make events accessible for neurodivergent kids.” The girlfriend’s concerns about the girls’ comfort are valid, but her blanket ban overlooks creative solutions.

This reflects broader tensions in stepfamily dynamics. “Blended families thrive on inclusion and flexibility,” says therapist Dr. Patricia Papernow in a Family Process journal. Excluding the girls could signal to them—and the father—that they’re secondary, straining future bonds. Compromises like a short ceremony with sensory supports or a separate family celebration could bridge the gap. The couple should explore couples counseling to align their visions.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit squad charged in like wedding crashers, delivering a lively mix of support and skepticism. It’s like a reception where everyone’s got a toast and a hot take. Here’s the unfiltered pulse of the crowd:

BigBlueHood − If you are not the primary parent, you can go on a honeymoon without kids, that will be your special time alone that you can make about her. But excluding your children from your own wedding is just not right. If she's so fed up with your kids already, you shouldn't get married.

stellastellamaris − She is marrying someone with kids. Even the wedding day is not about 'just the two' of you. It's about ALL of you now. Not including your children in or even at your wedding would be a red flag for me.

peakpenguins − that she wanted one day where all of my focus was on just the two of us. Then why invite anybody else at all? lol. You have a right to want your kids at your wedding, this might be a sign of bigger issues to come...

Fresh-Army-6737 − Woah. No. Your children are not optional at YOUR wedding. 

ionlyreadtitle − I'd absolutely never marry someone who didn't want my kids around.

LittleFairyOfDeath − Why would you want to marry a woman who doesn’t want her future step children at their dads wedding?

nolsongolden − How nuerodivergent are they? Like scream and yell and kick and scream and melt downs no one can figure out or time? Like being incontinent and throwing or drawing with the feces?. Because of its not extreme they should be at the wedding.. If they generally would not be in public then they should stay home for the wedding.. If the children can behave they should attend.

coygobbler − How would having your kids there take the attention away? Would she say the same thing if these were her biological kids? I can’t believe you’re even entertaining this. Just know if you do decide to not have them there, your relationship with your kids won’t be the same and I’m sure your entire family will be side eyeing your fiance.

MrsRoronoaZoro − She loves them until she has her own bio kids. Don’t trust her love. She’s already showing her true colours. Don’t marry someone who is excluding your kids.

indigoorchid0611 − How much do you rely on your gf when parenting your kids? Because if she's the 'go to' parent who usually tends to most of their needs or handles meltdowns, I can see where she'd be concerned that she'd be continuously called upon that day to help with the kids instead of just enjoying her wedding day. I don't think she sounds like an evil step-mom in the making, but more like she just wants a break for that day.

These Redditors rallied behind the father’s instinct to include his daughters, with many seeing the girlfriend’s stance as a red flag for future conflicts. Others pondered her perspective, noting the girls’ needs, but urged compromise over exclusion. Do their fiery opinions capture the full picture, or are they too quick to pick sides? One thing’s clear: this wedding debate has sparked a family reckoning.

This tale of wedding woes underscores the delicate art of blending families. The father’s love for his daughters clashes with his girlfriend’s dream of a singular moment, leaving their future uncertain. Compromise—perhaps a tailored ceremony or dual celebrations—could honor both their love and his girls. As they pause marriage plans, the question lingers: how do you build a family when visions diverge? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. What would you do to navigate this heartfelt standoff?

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