Wife died unexpectedly, discovered her affair?

In a sterile hospital room, a man’s world shattered as his young wife succumbed to a sudden illness. Grief consumed him, raw and relentless—until a discovery twisted the knife deeper. Her phone unveiled a secret affair, tainting their shared past.

Surrounded by family, he grapples with betrayal atop loss, his heart caught in a storm of love and lies. This Reddit user’s tale pulls us into his turmoil, sparking questions about trust and healing in the face of unthinkable deceit.

‘Wife died unexpectedly, discovered her affair?’

My wife died this past week unexpectedly. She was young and healthy, and the illness took her in hours. I thought things had hit rock bottom. She essentially died in front of me, and I was wracked by grief and guilt over her death. All things considered, I was coping as well as could be expected. Make no mistake, I was going through the expected grieving reactions.

I raged and hysterically cried for days. I went numb and then silent, then hysterical again. But I have good friends and I have been surrounded by family from both sides of the marriage. In the process of going through her belongings I discovered on her phone that she had been having an on and off affair for the last three years.

It looks like she started cheating during a period where I was depressed after losing my job and father in the space of two weeks, both unexpectedly. After mourning for three months and seeking treatment for diagnosed depression, I was back at a new job. However, at the time she said that she felt lonely and that I was distant to her.

In the following years we worked to try and mend our relationship but she would always come back to saying that things changed those months after my father’s death. What more can life do to me? This man she was having the affair with appears to be an a**hole that may have been abusing her, based on the text messages. He appears to be the exact opposite of me.

I am a kind, generous, attractive, and intelligent person with a good career. The logical part of my brain knew that she had the capacity for dishonesty and selfishness, but I could never have imagined this. I am absolutely and totally devastated. The only saving grace is that we never had children. I wanted them and she did too, but she kept wanting to put it off. I suppose now I know the truth of why.. I feel like I will never be happy again.

The sting of betrayal atop unimaginable loss is a cruel twist, like a storm breaking over an already shattered home. This widower’s story reveals the complex dance of grief and trust, where love and deceit tangle. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments… and broken in equally small, devastating ones” (The Gottman Institute). Here, the wife’s affair, sparked during the husband’s depression, fractured that trust, leaving him to question their entire bond.

Grief, compounded by betrayal, can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded. The husband’s depression after losing his job and father likely strained their connection, pushing his wife toward someone else. Yet, her choice to cheat, possibly with an abusive partner, reflects her own struggles, not his failings. This highlights a broader issue: infidelity often stems from unmet emotional needs, with studies showing 20% of married women admit to affairs (Institute for Family Studies).

Gottman’s insight suggests rebuilding trust—even with oneself—starts with self-compassion. The widower’s kindness and intelligence are strengths, but his pain demands professional support. Therapy can untangle grief from anger, helping him reclaim his narrative.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, dishing out empathy with a side of sass. Here’s a peek at their candid takes:

frockofseagulls − Please find a grief counselor and possibly a young widower/widows group. Talk to someone so you don’t go mad.

Spoonbills − Are there some older people in your life, whom you trust respect, that you could talk to about this? It's unhealthy for you be alone with this.. I am so sorry.

shipcapitan − First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Your emotions, your grief, and your anguish about her death are valid. You aren't an i**ot for being in love with her while she was cheating on you. You aren't an i**ot for trusting her. You aren't an i**ot for believing her. She was your wife and you were a good husband to her.

And like any good person, you believed she was good too.. **Your loss is immeasurable but not insurmountable.** I think the most important thing in your life right now is to make sure that you have a good support system. This can be family, a support group, or friends, but you should not be dealing with this alone.

Your wife was one chapter in the long chronicle of your life. This chapter had all the ups and downs of a good story. She gave you love, betrayal, despair, and happiness. She's gone now and she would want you to move on and be happy without her.. Time will heal this wound.. Best of luck.

[Reddit User] − Firstly, I can't begin to fathom the sheer amount of horrible everything this is raining down on you.. However, I'm also of the opinion that death doesn't absolve people of their wrongdoings. I would check and at least make sure insurances are in check and that she didn't do anything stupid like leave her affair partner money or possessions.

Afterward, I would simply walk away and celebrate the new beginning this affords you. I understand you not wanting to 'sully' her image, but the reality is dead or not, she was a terrible wife for doing what she did to you, and if anyone asks, they deserve the know the truth for better or worse.

Take time to grieve not for her, but for yourself. In time, you will find that memory will fade and you are still alive to make new, better ones. Take care, and congratulations on reclaiming your life. It may not feel like it now, but later on you'll be glad you weren't stuck with an unfaithful person, and not having to go through an inevitably n**ty divorce.

Bigtonyos − I just want to say, it's okay to no longer want to grief her death. It's okay to no longer love her memory. From her reaction to your depression does not seem supportive, but more tolerance. What you are going through is hard, and you should seek professional help. I didn't see anyone else say this and you are completely justified in no longer loving her memory.

[Reddit User] − Oh my. Life just took a big swing at you. This will take support from friends, family, and potentially professional help. I cannot offer much advice, but one thought came to mind, it might be cliche, but 'the night is darkest just before the dawn' may just fit your situation. While life just came at your hard, it did just give you a big, fat, reset button as well. Best wishes.

raeco23 − This isn’t exactly advice, but a concern for me would be for the secret boyfriend to show up to her funeral.... Do you know who this guy is or what he looks like? Does anyone else know him? I’m not sure how likely it would be for him to show up, but you might want to prepare yourself just in case. Stay strong and remember that your feelings matter.

[Reddit User] − I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the further loss you feel after realising your wife was having an affair. Please please please find a counsellor or therapist, someone professional to talk to. Your friends, your family, the internet even can support you sure, but they are not your therapists.. I hope you get through this.

chikachikaboom222 − OP, this is truly devastating. I have an aunt who went through with this. She tended to her husband when he was sick. He eventually died of cancer. In the funeral a woman with a baby came. She was his mistress and he has bought a house for them.

My aunt has sacrificed a lot for her husband. This through her for a loop. My aunt is still paying for her husband's debt, last time I heard. I am rooting for your fast healing and emotional recovery, this kind of s**t will lose your faith in humanity.

[Reddit User] − 25 year old widow here. I was 24 when it happened and while I can’t understand your feelings about the infidelity, I can tell you that you WILL be happy again someday. It’s only been 6 months for me but I couldn’t have imagined feeling this good again after experiencing those first couple months.

I’m dating a widower as well, so if you ever need someone to talk to outside of therapy (which I highly recommend), feel free to pm me. I’m sure he would be willing to chat as well if you prefer a male perspective on things. Please take care of yourself

These Redditors spill tea, but do their hot takes mirror real-world wisdom? Grief and betrayal are messy—can online advice truly cut through the fog?

This widower’s tale is a gut-punch, blending love, loss, and lies into a cocktail nobody wants to sip. Yet, from the ashes of betrayal, there’s a chance to rebuild. His story reminds us that healing is messy but possible, with time and support. What would you do if you uncovered a loved one’s secret after their death? Share your thoughts—let’s unpack this together.

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