I (51F) am thinking of ending things with my boyfriend (52M) after a serious cancer diagnosis and treatment. How would you handle something like this?

Jonathan Hours
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In the sterile chill of a hospital recovery room, a woman lies weary from major cancer surgery, her heart heavier than her healing body. For seven years, her boyfriend shared her home and life, but as she fights late-stage ovarian cancer, he’s vanished into his own world—ignoring her birthday, hiking while she prepped for surgery, and scheduling his own elective procedure days after hers. Friends and family rally around her, but his absence stings, leaving her questioning their future.

This heart-wrenching drama pulls readers into a story of illness, neglect, and fading love. Can she end a long-term relationship while grappling with guilt and recovery? Her Reddit post lays bare a painful truth, asking: what happens when a partner fails you in your darkest hour?

‘I (51F) am thinking of ending things with my boyfriend (52M) after a serious cancer diagnosis and treatment. How would you handle something like this?’

I (51F) have been dating my boyfriend (52M) for 7 years. We're both divorced. I have kids - mostly grown. We live in a house that I own. We have no shared property and he would never consider marriage. He is very private, independent, and quirky. I have no access to his finances. He gives me money for bills. We get along well, don't fight, and have enough in common to enjoy time together.

He has never been romantic and doesn't like giving gifts or celebrating much. We both have decent jobs. We had a healthy s** life. I was diagnosed with late stage ovarian cancer in January. It had spread to multiple organs. I asked him if he wanted to walk away before I told my friends and family I had cancer.

He chose to stay and said he would never leave me. I had some initial surgeries and it was made clear that he isn't a good caregiver. He couldn't check on me, manage meds, bring food and water. When I started chemo I arranged for other people to take me and set up a meal train to feed us. He did drive me to a number of appointments when I strictly needed a ride.

I've lost all my hair. I'm tired, slow, and sick often. I had my birthday in April and my boyfriend did not give me a card or gift or do anything for me. His birthday is 3 days before mine and even though I'm sick I ordered him a gift from Amazon, bought dinner takeout, and made him a cake. Ever since he blew off my birthday I have lost all my investment in the relationship.

Chemo has been successful. We've known all along that if chemo worked I would have a major operation in mid-May. I got scheduled for an open hysterectomy and cancer debulking surgery on May 13th. It has a 4 week recovery time. As my surgery was approaching he scheduled himself for a knee procedure 2 days after my surgery. 

expressed to him that this was bad timing and he said he didn't have a choice. He said his knee pain had suddenly grown unbearable. His knee has bothered him for the entire 7 years that we have dated and he decided that being on crutches after my surgery wasn't a conflict in his eyes. He took the week before my surgery off work and went camping and hiking.

He did not take time off work to spend with me when I was recovering from surgery. He worked while I was hospitalized in another city. Then he had his knee procedure. I came home to him on crutches from an elective surgery unable to care for himself let alone me. My family and friends have been here caring for me. He asks me to do things for him when I can barely care for myself.

His Aunt called me to wish me well before my surgery and express her concern that he shouldn't have an elective procedure at the same time. She said that she believes he is having PTSD because his mom died of brain cancer when he was a teen after many years long of surgeries and treatments failed.

His aunt raised him after his mom died and she said this behavior is out of character for him and she is so surprised by it. I've lost my warm feelings for him. I think we should go our separate ways or just be friends but I feel guilty. I'm being very detached from him now and I don't like my own negativity.

A boyfriend’s failure to support his partner through a life-threatening cancer diagnosis—ignoring her needs, prioritizing a knee procedure, and leaning on her during recovery—signals a profound emotional disconnect. His aunt’s suggestion of PTSD from his mother’s cancer death may explain his avoidance, but it doesn’t excuse neglecting a partner in crisis. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist, states, “Illness amplifies a relationship’s strengths or cracks; true partnership shows up in action, not promises” (Emotionally Focused Therapy). Her loss of “warm feelings” reflects a natural response to abandonment.

This mirrors broader challenges of caregiving in relationships. A 2023 study in the Journal of Health Psychology found that 50% of cancer patients report partners withdrawing emotionally during treatment, often due to fear or inability to cope (SAGE Journals). His choice to stay after her diagnosis but offer minimal support—driving to some appointments while skipping her birthday—suggests a gap between intent and capacity. Scheduling an elective surgery days after hers, despite her objections, prioritizes his comfort over her survival, a choice compounded by his hiking trip beforehand.

Johnson’s work emphasizes that relationships thrive on mutual responsiveness. Her reliance on friends and family for care highlights his failure, while her guilt over detaching stems from her investment in their seven-year bond. His history of non-romantic behavior and independence may have suited her before, but illness demands more. His aunt’s insight about PTSD warrants empathy, but not at the cost of her well-being.

For solutions, she should prioritize her recovery, leaning on her support network and therapy to process guilt and clarify her needs (BetterHelp). A candid talk with him, post-recovery, could outline her hurt and explore if he can change, though his actions suggest limited capacity. If she ends it, a clear boundary—asking him to move out once she’s stronger—protects her peace.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s community roared with indignation, empathy, and calls to cut ties, sprinkled with sharp-witted jabs at his behavior. Here’s a glimpse of their fiery, heartfelt reactions—because nothing ignites Reddit like a partner dropping the ball in a crisis!

CringeCityBB − When you asked if he wanted to leave, he said 'I'd never leave you'- and yet he's emotionally left you a long time ago. Don't feel bad. He hasn't really done much of anything to support you or be your husband. He's lived in your house as a roommate. A s**tty roommate.

Even my friend that lived with me would've done more for me in your situation than this man has. Get better and get out of there. Health isn't forever- this might very well happen again. It would be easier to deal with without the stress of realizing your husband doesn't give a s**t about you.

EtonRd − I don’t know why you feel guilty. He has shown you that he’s not capable of being a partner to somebody who’s dealing with a serious cancer diagnosis. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I have cancer and one thing I know from my own experience and from talking to a lot of of other cancer patients is that almost every cancer. Patient can tell us a story about someone close to them who has failed them.

Some people just can’t handle it. And some people just don’t want to handle it. Whether he has PTSD or he’s just a selfish a**hole, or some combination of the two I don’t know, but I don’t think that you have anything to feel guilty about. Sometimes relationships don’t survive a serious illness. It sounds like he’s had a lot of opportunities to step up to the plate and be there for you over the past five months and he’s pretty much failed every time.

lovebeinganasshole − You’re in the ocean fighting for your life with a dead weight. Cut it loose.

justmeraw − I think he maliciously scheduled that knee surgery, having sensed you are pulling away, as a means to secure himself in your world longer. I know you stated he's not a gift giver, but that had to really freaking sting not to get acknowledged on your birthday while you are in the middle of cancer treatment. And taking time off to go hiking before a knee surgery (wha?) but not during your surgery? No wonder you got the ick.

pl487 − He said he wouldn't leave. He didn't say he would be your caregiver or start making romantic gestures. Some people just aren't capable of doing those things, sadly enough.

You have no reason to feel guilty. An arrangement that used to work for the both of you no longer does, so it's time to separate. 

realfuckingoriginal − Maam. Holy s**t. Take care of yourself. This is not a partner. Who cares if it's PTSD or not? Sorry, not trying to be rude or anything, but hot damn. Why would his PTSD be an excuse for neglecting you and I don't even know how to describe how ridiculous scheduling his own surgery after your is.

Who cares what the explanation is? There is no explanation that excuses doing this to you. No wonder you've lost all fuzzy feelings, you've realized the person you're with isn't emotionally safe. That's what happens. Say no to his requests and leave. You'll heal better without the stress.

autotelica − I'm a lifelong singleton, in my mid 40s. People are always telling me that I'll have regrets about not having a partner when I'm medically frail and in need of someone to take care of me. Hearing your story is making me wonder, which is worse?

Being alone and having to take care of yourself during one of the most challenging moments of your life or living with someone who is indifferent to you while taking care of yourself during one of the most challenging moments of your life? I gotta think it's the second. At least in the first scenario, you're not doing extra work.

moxley-me − I would bide my time and leave as soon as feasible. He is showing you who he is; listen. He might not be a bad guy per say, but he isnt there for you. He's actually showing you he is very self centered and incapable of being a source of support for you. Is that what you want? He sounds like he views this relationship as very one sided and it's skewed in his favor

Intrepid_Source_7960 − He went hiking with “unbearable” knee pain? 🙄 Obviously that’s like, the least offensive thing you listed, but it’s just icing on the s**t cake. Throw the whole man away. You are better off alone.

Mumfiegirl − From the title, I thought it was him that had the cancer diagnosis, but having read further, I stand corrected. End it- he has shown you who he truly is and how little he actually cares for you.

This searing tale of illness and emotional absence leaves us wondering if love can survive when one partner checks out during a life-or-death fight. The woman faces a choice: cling to a relationship that failed her or embrace freedom, guilt and all. Would you stay with a partner who couldn’t show up in your darkest moment, or walk away for your own healing? Drop your advice, stories, or gut reactions below—let’s unpack this painful crossroads together!

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