I [30F] still can’t decide if I want to end my 12 year relationship with my spouse [45M]?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In the dim glow of a late-night living room, a woman sits alone, her heart caught in a tug-of-war between loyalty and longing. After 12 years with her partner, a steady homebody who’s been her rock since she was 18, she’s restless. Craving adventure and intimacy, she’s found a spark with someone new—someone who shares her zest for life. Guilt gnaws at her as she wonders if she’s betraying the man who calls her his everything, or finally waking up to her own needs.

This raw, relatable drama pulls readers into a whirlwind of doubt, desire, and self-discovery. Can she chase her dreams without shattering her partner’s world? For those curious about her journey’s start, check out her earlier struggles here. Her story begs the question: when does staying loyal mean betraying yourself?

‘I [30F] still can’t decide if I want to end my 12 year relationship with my spouse [45M]?’

I posted a week or two ago, I honestly can't keep track of time any more. The gist is, been together 12 years, so many aspects of our relationship are great, but I am unfulfilled in 2 major ways. Life experiences/adventure, and s**ually. He is an introverted homebody.

I conformed to his lifestyle and told myself for a long time that the positives of being with him far outweighed the negatives, and that I didn't really care about getting to do the things I want to do. Over the past few years, my depression and anxiety has increased a lot, and through working on myself, starting to do things I want to do alone, and make friends again, I feel conflicted about if I want to continue my relationship with him.

To make matters worse, I did make a connection with another man, who has a lot of similar interests and life goals as me. I know this is clouding my judgement, but it's what happened. My spouse knows this. I have been honest. I know I'm emotionally cheating. I know I'm in the wrong. I never meant for this to happen, I was honestly just trying to do what my therapist and I had discussed, which was make friends, and stop isolating.

I have other friends of both genders that I talk to, I didn't seek this out. It honestly just happened. We connected. I definitely am a people pleaser, and it's very hard for me to put myself first. After talking to my therapist extensively, as well as friends and family, all have given the same advice, which is that I need to think about what I want, and let other people react to that how they want.

I can't manage everyones feelings. So, I have told him recently that I am sorry but I am lost, and I need to find myself. I have not made any decisions about anything, I am sorry that I am hurting him and leaving him in l**bo, but I don't know who I am or what I want. He basically told me, 'go have fun with your new boyfriend, let me know when it's time to sell the house' which I understand and deserve.

To be clear, my intention is not at all to go sleep with this other person. My real intention is to just take time to reflect, and not feel like I'm pretending everything is ok when it isn't. I want to go grab drinks with friends, and talk to who I want, and maybe join a gym, and honestly just reflect on my life and what I want. I made a choice for the rest of my life at 18 years old and I am not the same person anymore.

I need to re-evaluate. He said that he knows I sacrificed a lot to be with him, he does want me to be happy, he understands I need to figure s**t out, but he's not happy about it. He also told me, I am the only good thing in his life, he can't stand to lose me, he's 45 and I am ripping his life away from him, if he loses me he has nothing.... those things really make me feel like I have to stay,

I never want to hurt anyone. He also made some comments like 'yeah, go to therapy and talk about whatever and your therapist can tell you to leave me, and read your books about how to stop people pleasing, and talk to your friends and family, but who do I have to turn to?' and it made me feel really guilty.

At the same time, I'm not preventing him from getting a therapist, or getting his own books to help him understand himself, or talking to friends and family. One thing he said that really bothered me and also keeps nagging at me. He said 'It's so easy for another guy to come in, find your vulnerabilities, and manipulate you into thinking you are unhappy with me' ... and I wonder if he's right.

Is that what happened? Or is he manipulating me by saying that? Because, why can't someone just like me? why cant I have just made a connection? why does it have to be just because I'm weak and easily manipulated? I also wonder, is that what he did to me when I was 18? I've never thought that before and still don't really think he intentionally thought ohh an 18 year old, she will be easy to control.

But I do wonder if I was easy to control, convenient to be with, and pliable, and that was appealing to him subconsciously or something. As you can see, I'm pretty confused. I'm really trying to put my feelings for this other guy aside, which I do feel I have compartmentalized a bit. It's not my feelings for him specifically clouding my judgement anymore...

it's the fact that, I really want different things than my spouse wants. I really want to meet people, and have friends, and yes date and have s**. We only have s** a handful of times per year for 6+ years. I'm sure we could work on that, but right now I feel too uncomfortable and disconnected from him to want to have s**. I feel like I did everything backwards.

We aren't married but I essentially became a wife at 18 and now I'm 30 and wanting to go back and do what I should have been doing my entire 20s - trying new things, meeting new people, traveling, making career choices with only myself in mind, figuring out what kind of person I want to be/what I want. I'm very confused.

How can I separate what I want from my guilt over hurting him? I felt very confident earlier today, that yes, I need to take care of myself and do what makes me happy. And then he came home from work, and was very melancholy. We didn't talk that much. He went to bed alone. I can see and feel his pain. And it honestly makes me sick to my stomach.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

A woman’s longing for adventure and connection outside her 12-year relationship highlights a clash of personal growth and loyalty. Her partner’s introverted lifestyle, once a comfort, now feels like a cage, and his guilt-tripping words—“I have nothing without you”—add emotional weight. Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned therapist, notes, “Guilt often traps us in relationships that no longer serve our evolving selves” (Esther Perel). Her emotional affair, though unintended, signals unmet needs.

This reflects broader issues of identity in long-term partnerships. A 2022 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 55% of women in their 30s report feeling unfulfilled in relationships started in their teens (SAGE Journals). Her partner’s claim that she’s being “manipulated” by another man dismisses her agency, echoing power dynamics from their age gap at the relationship’s start.

Perel’s work suggests prioritizing self-awareness over guilt. The woman’s therapy-driven push to make friends and rediscover herself shows growth, but her partner’s resistance to change stalls progress. His accusations and emotional pleas may unconsciously aim to keep her tethered, a dynamic she now questions from her 18-year-old self.

For solutions, she should journal her core desires—adventure, intimacy, independence—and discuss them with her partner, setting clear boundaries about her need for space. Couples counseling could bridge their disconnect (Talkspace). If he refuses to engage, she may need to prioritize herself, even if it means leaving.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s hive mind dished out a fiery mix of tough love, cheers for self-discovery, and shade at manipulation. Here’s a peek at their bold, sometimes snarky takes—because nothing stirs the pot like a relationship on the rocks!

wemblewobble − The vast majority of people outgrow the partner they had at 18. He knew going in that this was a risk/likeky outcome going in. It’s not your fault or responsibility that he’s 45 and has nothing going for him aside from you.

allusium − So, let’s leave the age difference aside for a minute. You’re in a relationship that sounds unfulfilling for you. You work with a therapist who encourages you to get out more, connect with people, and in the course of that exercise you meet someone who is much more compatible with you than is your current partner.

It’s natural for you to develop a romantic attachment to your new crush in this case. Your partner is blaming the new guy rather than looking at himself and realizing he is not meeting many of your needs, leaving you in a position where you desire a different relationship. He’s choosing to remain unchanged and seems to want you to accommodate his preferences, but he doesn’t seem willing to accommodate yours.

You seem to be struggling to not judge yourself for how you are handling this situation. I think you’re doing a fine job balancing your commitment to your boyfriend with your commitment to yourself. You seem to be taking a thoughtful and measured approach to deciding what to do next.

I think you know that you’re not happy with him, and that this is unlikely to change in the future. I think you know that you’ve got a taste of what a more compatible relationship will feel like, and I think you like that feeling. And I think you need to know that you will not be a s**tty person if you decide to leave your boyfriend under these circumstances.

DylanHate − Why does it have to be just because I'm weak and easily manipulated? I also wonder, is that what he did to me when I was 18? I've never thought that before and still don't really think he intentionally thought ohh an 18 year old, she will be easy to control. But I do wonder if I was easy to control, convenient to be with, and pliable, and that was appealing to him subconsciously or something.

DING DING DING. This is exactly what happened. The thing about good manipulators, is they're *great* at making it seem like it was your idea all along. This is intentional. When you were 18, he knew you were young and infatuated. He's an older man with presumably a level of maturity and stability men your age do not offer. To you he's Prince Charming come to whisk you away into a grand future.

You'd be hard-pressed to find any 18 year old who would turn that down. Here's the thing, if he *really* believed all those years ago that he was truly robbing you of your life and age-appropriate experiences, when you begged him to give this a shot, he would have turned you down. He would have told you he cared about you greatly, but he would be taking a life from you that you didn't know you could have.

He would have said if your relationship was meant to be, you can always reconnect in 5-10 years after have some life experience and figured out who you are. He did not do that. He gave you a song and dance about how he didn't feel right about it, so years later when you realize what you've lost, he can come back and say, 'Remember, you're the one that wanted this!'

Imagine if an 18 year old boy told you he was in love with you and wanted to begin a serious relationship. You may feel charmed, but you would never seriously pursue it, because as a 30 year old adult, you *know* what you'd be taking from him, even if he doesn't. This guy has never once made a serious effort to change.

Why should he? He got exactly what he wanted -- a young, devoted partner who arranged her entire life around his. Even better, now you get to be The Bad Guy for breaking it off. How convenient for him! You need to rip this bandaid off. He's all you've known, of course you love him and of course you will miss him. But the freedom of getting to live your own life, by your own terms, and discovering yourself is so deeply fulfilling, you will not regret it.

It's like trying to describe color to a blind person, until you experience it, there's simply no way to truly realize what you're missing. You can potentially drag this decision out for years, but I think even if you wait, you will eventually come to the same conclusion. It will be more and more unbearable, and you'll wish you had broken up sooner. I say do it now, and start living life for yourself.

saintsokwitit1 − You are not responsible for his happiness on any level and him making you think that is very manipulating. You are responsible for your own happiness and it’s a hard,cold world and you can’t rely on someone else to provide your happiness. Look within yourself to be happy. It sounds like deep down you know what needs to be done. And believe, he will be fine.

He is still young and will learn to get back out there and find someone new to Love eventually. He needs to learn how to meet his own needs first before he can be happy and stop looking for someone else to fill those needs. He basically needs to grow up. You need to break out on your own. You don’t necessarily need to jump into another relationship but you do need to explore and experience life. You will be so happy you did.

SnowyMole − I also wonder, is that what he did to me when I was 18? Pretty sure he did. It's why it's one of the first things that he's accusing someone else of. Most people don't think like that. But since he did that to you, of course it's the first place his mind goes when you say you're unhappy.

[Reddit User] − He is manipulating you when he says he has nothing left if you leave. That pisses me off. He WANTS you to feel bad. Even if that is close to the truth...you don't owe him anything. HE is the only that can make himself happy, ultimately. If he has nothing else, he is the only one to blame, not you. At 45, he should know a great love story never comes out of a person trying to make the other stay out of pity.

WTF is that, it is so immature. Plus, does he care that you are unhappy with him? Does he want you to stay in this relationship that makes you unhappy anymore? It seems he only cares for himself. Don't feel bad about going for what you want! He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. Are you happy with him? Does he bring value to your life? If not, do what you have to your your own life. Good luck!:)

[Reddit User] − You call him your spouse and then say that you aren’t married. Which is it? It’s not surprising that you’re finding out that you’re incompatible. And if you think about it critically, deep down you know why a man typically pursues a woman that is 15 years younger.

ShelfLifeInc − How can I separate what I want from my guilt over hurting him? Please Google 'dear sugar the truth that lives there'. Long story short: wanting to leave is enough. Wanting to leave is enough. Two, please swap out your feelings of empathy for feelings of compassion. You don't have to feel your partner's pain.

You feeling his pain just makes you feel bad without making him feel any better, so what's the point of it? Be compassionate: it's a shame the relationship has to come to an end, but it's completely reasonable to think that who you were at age *eighteen* is not who you are now. Your partner will be sad that the relationship has ended, but he won't die without you. He will find a way to move on. That's just what people do.

Rip the band-aid off. You can't force yourself to be happy and content in a relationship you're not happy in. You can't transform how much you love someone into happiness you don't feel (believe me, I tried). You can only say, 'I'm no longer happy. I'm sorry it has to end this way. I wish you all the best.' And that's the end of it. You don't owe him (or anyone) a life sentence.. You're allowed to want to leave. You're allowed to leave. Wanting to leave is enough.

Phobos75 − He also told me, I am the only good thing in his life, he can't stand to lose me, he's 45 and I am ripping his life away from him, if he loses me he has nothing.... those things really make me feel like I have to stay, I never want to hurt anyone.

He also made some comments like 'yeah, go to therapy and talk about whatever and your therapist can tell you to leave me, and read your books about how to stop people pleasing, and talk to your friends and family, but who do I have to turn to?' He said 'It's so easy for another guy to come in, find your vulnerabilities, and manipulate you into thinking you are unhappy with me'. Yeah there's only one person thats trying to manipulate you and its him.

attempted_crepe − Trust your gut. This new fling may not be your future husband, who cares if he is or isn't. This isnt necessarily about him.. This is about you. Your wants. Your needs. All not being met.. This new guy? He's your wake up call.. A current way of seeing that how things are going with your spouse - are bad. Youre unhappy.

You can do it. You can stand on your own and I encourage it. You'll be happier in the long run without your current partner. Don't leave your current spouse for this man. Leave him for yourself, and if thinking about that new man helps you see your value, and that you could do better, be happier, be fulfilled by someone not your spouse then bounce..

You deserve a partner that fulfills you.. You deserve to be happy. Go do it. You can do it. You dont need anymore justification than its just not working anymore and you're unhappy. Thats a big fuckin reason.

This heart-wrenching saga leaves us pondering whether love can survive when dreams diverge. Caught between guilt and a craving for more, the woman faces a choice: stay for her partner’s sake or chase the life she’s only begun to glimpse. What would you do if your heart pulled you away from a long-time love? Share your stories, advice, or gut feelings below—let’s untangle this emotional knot together!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *