Fiance (33M) states he would divorce me (33F) if we couldn’t have children; I don’t know what to think?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy apartment filled with wedding plans, a 33-year-old woman’s heart sank like a stone. Her fiancé, the man she dreamed of building a family with, dropped a bombshell: if they couldn’t have kids within a couple of years, he’d leave her for someone who could. The words stung sharper than any argument, turning her excitement for their future into a tangle of doubt and fear.

She envisioned them as partners, facing life’s twists together, kids or no kids. But his ultimatum painted a different picture—one where her worth seemed tied to her womb. With their wedding six months away, she’s left wondering if love should come with such a cold condition. Can their bond survive this gut-punch, or is it a sign of deeper cracks to come?

‘Fiance (33M) states he would divorce me (33F) if we couldn’t have children; I don’t know what to think?’

Debated making a throwaway, but figured nah, I’ll just post even though I know my partner lurks here and he knows my username. If you see this, hi, yes this is about you 😁 My boyfriend 33M and I 33F recently got engaged. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part are on the same page with what we want out of life.

Both of us want to hold successful careers and also be present as dedicated parents. We are in complete agreement that we want at least two biological children. Neither of us are open to sperm/egg donors, surrogacy, or adoption. IVF is fine.

We have had several discussions where my partner states that if we try to have children and it doesn’t happen in a timely manner (1-2 years), he would divorce me and find a younger woman who could fulfill his dreams of being a father. Naturally, this makes me sick to my stomach.

I acknowledge that fatherhood is important to him, and I would do absolutely everything in my power to ensure our chances are as good as they can be. But if fate sees fit to not give us children despite our best efforts, I would feel horrible to be discarded. I feel like I’m about to marry someone who values me just for my ut*rus and what that part of my anatomy can provide him.

If we discovered somehow that my partner was infertile, I would not leave him. I believe in the “in sickness and in health”; I choose to be with him because I value our relationship together. Would I be devastated to not be a mother? Absolutely. But I would not abandon my partner. Half of my brain is screaming that this is a red flag.

The other half is confused and hurt because I genuinely love this man and want to be with him. I can’t reconcile the rest of his amazing qualities with this jarring, hurtful perspective. It’s not like our life goals are different. It’s not like it’s an incompatibility where one person wants kids and the other person doesn’t.

We want the same things. I just believe that if we try everything possible and it doesn’t happen, then maybe that’s for a reason and I would be content with the life we can still build together. He would prioritize his desire to be a father over our relationship.. Wedding is 6 months away and I’d rather not walk into a situation I might regret later.

Love is supposed to weather storms, but this fiancé’s ultimatum feels like he’s ready to jump ship at the first cloud. The woman’s hurt is palpable—she wants kids as much as he does, but values their partnership above all. His insistence on biological children within a tight timeline, with divorce as the consequence, suggests a transactional view of their relationship, where her role is reduced to reproduction.

He sees fatherhood as non-negotiable, even if it means discarding her for a “younger model.” She, however, embraces “in sickness and in health,” unwilling to leave him even if he’s infertile. This contrast exposes a core misalignment. As Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, notes, “Love is not a contract; it’s a commitment to navigate life’s uncertainties together” (Esther Perel). His conditional stance risks eroding trust before they even say “I do.”

This reflects a broader issue: balancing personal goals with partnership. A 2020 study found that couples prioritizing mutual support over rigid expectations report 15% higher marital stability (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). His ultimatum could breed resentment, especially under the stress of fertility challenges.

She should initiate an honest conversation, expressing how his words make her feel undervalued. Couples counseling could align their values or clarify if his stance is a dealbreaker. If he doubles down, she may need to protect her self-worth by reconsidering the marriage. Open dialogue is crucial—can they find common ground?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit swarm brought the heat with their takes—blunt, heartfelt, and dripping with sass! Here’s what they had to say:

trya12 − I will share my story. My husband and I met while being girl scout leaders together. We both liked and wanted kids. Bought a house with room for kids a d got married. 2 years into the marriage we started trying. It didn't happen, so we went to the OBGYN and got checked out..nothing wrong with both of us on that end (i have an autoimmune illness).

We got a round of hormone therapy and it made me miserable. We talked and both said we are on the fence in going forward with hormones/IVF, mostly due to my health.. I asked him: does this mean divorce? Cause i know you want kids. His reply: you want kids too.

There's a difference between not wanting and not being able to have them. I love you and I'm not leaving you over this. Your fiance is saying the opposite here. He doesn't love you enough to see any other life with you if there aren't kids in the picture.. This is a huge red flag, and you should heed it.

Lambsenglish − Wait a minute. You’re not sure if this is a red flag? You’re NOT SURE if this is a red flag?. Jesus, girl. Have some self-respect. He’s not after a wife, he’s after a breeding partner. Also, do some proper research. You’re not “out of time”. My wife and I had our kids when she was 37 and 39.

daddy_tywin − In my experience, people who put hypothetical, nonexistent children ahead of anything else in life a) have miserable, deprioritized partner relationships to show for it and b) tend to find out the idea of kids and family is on a much higher pedestal than the actual day to day grind of parenthood.

My good friend is married to a guy like this, and is now at 34 “out of time and needs to hold her end of the deal”. She has PCOS. It’s not going great. He did you a favor by showing you what he values and where you rank before you combined your lives.. I hope this dude is infertile. Can’t divorce yourself, can you?

alchemyandArsenic − Believe him and walk away. He would most likely abandon you if you had a long term illness,  will divorce you if you're not fertile enough, and does not value you above you being a compliant incubator. . Im sorry youre going thru this. You deserve a real love. 

Poinsettia917 − This man tells you he will divorce you and you can’t figure this out?! You’re a uterus to him. You’re an incubator. If you marry this guy, you’re insane.

[Reddit User] − He told you to your face that your usefulness to him extends as far as your ability to be used as a gestation unit. You as a person are a complete non-factor to him. And they say romance is dead. Sorry you're so far in love with someone that you allowed this to be said TO YOUR FACE and are still unsure if this is maybe, just maybe, a red flag.

Frankly, this is the type of man who would 100% cheat on you while you go for cancer treatments and then blame you for it. The appropriate response would be to p**s on his pillow and tell him to go to hell. There's still time.

Lost-friend-ship − My brother in law and his (soon to be ex) wife are going through this right now and I feel awful for them.  Both my brother in law (and his wife) and my sister in law (and her husband) were having trouble conceiving and both couples were going through IVF after trying to conceive naturally. BIL’s wife is in her early 30s and SIL is 40.

It was really tough for all of them going through rounds of failed IVF and having each of them not turn up to family events and dinners as they went through the emotional turmoil that comes along with all of that.  On the day that my 40 yo SIL announced she was pregnant, BIL and his 32 yo wife found out that their third round of IVF had failed. It was such a mixed bag of emotions.

SIL and BIL’s wife fell out over it for a while as well, though I could see where they were both coming from. After that, BIL’s wife completely distanced herself from the family and soon after he told us that they were separating and she was moving out.  It was a hard couple of years for all of them, especially my sister in laws, and I felt terrible for them. 

The thing is, while all four of them knew they wanted kids not one of them had said to the other “Hey, if you can’t make me a baby I’m going to trade you in for a younger model because our love and all the time we’ve spent together is meaningless against a hypothetical child.” 

BIL and his wife were open to “other options” and kept trying, and it was difficult enough for them to go through it knowing that they loved each and supported each other and they wanted to be together despite what they were struggling through.  They *wanted* to find a way through all of this together, they didn’t want to have a child with someone else no matter what.

But the rounds of IVF were financially tough, my other SIL getting pregnant was terrible timing for them, and the emotional strain of the last few years were just too much to handle. My BIL saw what it was doing to their marriage and started having second thoughts about kids.

He was open to accepting that this was not going to happen for them, but in the end that’s not what his wife wanted and their goals for life started to misalign.  They believed they would be together no matter what, they tried to support each other no matter what, they gave it their all. And yet it didn’t work out.

I cannot imagine going through all of this with a partner who had given me an ultimatum like yours.  Fertility issues and IVF are difficult enough to go through with a supportive partner. Can you imagine what you’d feel like in this situation? You’d have the emotional pain of not knowing if you were going to have children and all the while you’d be thinking about your husband’s promise of abandonment.

You wouldn’t be going through it together, you’d be going through it alone, knowing that if you “failed” to give him a child that he would be ok with finding someone else to have a baby with. There would be no shared pain between the two of you because one way or another *he* would have a child while you might not. 

Now imagine that you were struggling with all of this and got pregnant but had a miscarriage. Imagine the pain of that loss but the first thing you think of is his promise of abandoning you during this most vulnerable time. What kind of person does that? Is this someone you can trust to stand by your side? Is this someone you can rely on? 

What if you had some sort of accident that prevented you from having kids and also left you dependent on him for care and finances, and then he left. Imagine him not being able to have children because of his own fertility issues and you standing by his side. You’d have to let go of your dream of having children because of him, knowing that if the situation were reversed you wouldn’t have the same security or support. 

The thing is… you *don’t* want the same things, you *don’t* share the same goals. Your fiancé is in all of your visions of the future whatever the situation, but you are not in all of his. Aside from feeling like you have to give him a child “or else,” what else would he being willing to trade you in for? .

I can’t reconcile the rest of his amazing qualities with this jarring, hurtful perspective.. I think that sort of answers your question, doesn’t it?  50% of marriages end in divorce. That includes the people who fully believe in sickness and in health. That includes all the couples who can’t imagine not being with each other over anything else.

It doesn’t bode well for your future when there are already conditions like this on your relationship when you’re not even married yet.  You might not face any of these issues and might be super fertile and pop out lots of babies. Is that enough to make you forget he said this, or will it always be in the back of your mind? 

I would think it would be easier to walk away now than years down the line when your lives are more intertwined and you’ve spent years growing resentful because you’ve been struggling with fertility issues without support and with the constant threat of abandonment. 

OkSeat4312 − It’s a red flag. When I was 21, I had to have surgery that resulted in removal of half my reproductive system. My BF proposed that night in the hospital. I don’t remember it. It’s a joke between us now 3 decades later. He proposed then because he knew that I would worry.

I knew he dreamed of being a dad, he even worked part time at a day care center as a teen. Now, though, my ability to bear children was in jeopardy. He wanted to show me that I meant more to him than our hypothetical children. We were lucky and had 3 before I couldn’t carry anymore (at 29 years old)..

THAT’S how a real partner lives life. Go look for your 100% man. Time to toss the 90% man. Edited to add: this was a long time ago, we are interracial & I was a career woman, I.e. no adoption agency would have picked us back then, and fertility medicine was really just becoming mainstream.

Snoo-86415 − Some fun facts for your AH fiancé: - He can also be the cause of infertility. It frequently happens. Also, the age of the father has a lot to do with fetal and genetic abnormalities. So it’s not just the uterus causing all the problems. - IVF doesn’t just *happen* within 1-2 years. You’re under 35, which means most doctors will want you to try for a year before doing any kind of medical intervention.

Then most insurances will want you to try IUIs first, plus all the testing. Even if you skip that part and pay out of pocket, IVF is intense and takes a serious amount of time. If you ever plan on doing IVF, find yourself a good therapist now. I’ve been there for friends through it and the drugs they give you can really mess with your head. 

- Infertility affects people across the board/age spectrum. Rates are higher for younger generations now. Lots of factors seem to be contributing, but age doesn’t really come into play for women until they’re 40.  Seriously, it sounds like a weird thing to have a plan in place for trading in your spouse for a younger model (that may also not be able to have kids).

Honestly, he should consider why he wants to get married at all if he’s that determined to have bio kids? Knock someone up first and then marry her if his main condition for marrying is pregnancy.  My other half has always known he wanted to be a dad. He was clear about it from the get go, and he’s the only person I’d ever consider having kids with.

We tried for years without success. He openly said that he’d come to terms that it might just be the two of us unless we could manage the crazy high adoption fees here (it’s not for everyone, but adoption’s on the table for us). We had our baby last year :) I was 36.

No doctor I saw through the entire process ever worried about my age.  Your fiancé sounds like he has zero idea how fertility or the female reproductive system works. He may want to read up on it before saying stupid things to the woman he wants to marry (again).

obvusthrowawayobv − This is a giant red flag for the following reasons: - in two years he will be 35, men are 50% less potent at 35, therefore he might actually divorce you because he cannot get you pregnant, not because you can’t get pregnant. Average fertility peak for American women is 37.1 years old. This shouldn’t even be a subject.. - He’s already threatening to divorce you before you’re even married, wtf?

- He’s willing to throw your entire relationship away regardless of who you are or what you’ve been through as a married couple if there are any medical problems that come up with you where you either can’t have children or too sick to have children so everything you are as a person doesn’t matter.

- if he’s threatening to leave you for a younger woman before you’re even married, just wait and see what he’s willing to do if you get cancer.. Do not marry this man. The fact that he even thought to say this is inconceivable. He gonna be one of those dudes who gets married and the real a**hole behind the curtain is going to immediately come out because he thinks you’re trapped.

Reddit’s buzzing, but does it capture the full picture?

This story of ultimatums and uneasy hearts leaves us pondering love’s true terms. Her fiancé’s focus on fatherhood over their bond feels like a betrayal of the vows they haven’t yet taken. Whether they can bridge this gap or part ways, one truth shines: love should lift you up, not reduce you to a checklist. What would you do if your partner set such a stark condition? Let’s keep the conversation flowing!

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