AITA I keep dodging my friend because she says my dads death was preventable?

In the quiet hum of a college classroom, a student sits next to a friend whose words still sting: their father’s death, a sudden loss to cancer, was “preventable,” and their family “gave up.” Reeling from grief and shocked by the accusation, the student chooses silence, dodging invitations and grey rocking to avoid confrontation. The friend, seemingly oblivious, grows frustrated, leaving a rift where connection once stood. Was this avoidance a justified shield or an unfair snub?

This Reddit tale of loss, insensitivity, and the struggle to protect one’s peace has the internet buzzing. Caught between mourning a father and navigating a friend’s thoughtless remarks, the student seeks clarity. Let’s dive into this poignant story and explore the balance of grief and friendship in the face of hurtful words.

‘AITA I keep dodging my friend because she says my dads death was preventable?’

For some background, we didn’t know that my father was sick. He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches. One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care.

We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us. He never came out of the hospital. The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful. We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive.

My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore. That he was in pain being alive. After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester.

I met a girl who i thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away. She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is “wow, you don’t even seem sad.”

And “if I ever lost my dad I don’t know what I’d do” She also starts asking me about the details of my dad’s death. specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this “don’t you think you could have saved him? It feels like you just gave up on him.”

And “he probably could have woken up if you gave him time” LIKE WHAT??? I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him.

If there was any way to bring back my father I’d do it in a heartbeat. I miss him and think about him everyday. The fact she accused me of first “not caring” and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling.

Here’s where I might be the a**hole I was completely appalled and I haven’t spoken to her since. She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her. I feel like a complete a**hole avoiding her and I think she’s getting upset I keep dodging her.. So Reddit, AITA?

Also, I forgot to mention that she might have been saying this because of a religious thing? She just came here this semester from another country and I forgot to mention in my previous post she said that taking him off the machines and ventilator was “playing god.” I personally don’t believe this because he was able to breathe for about an hour before taking his last breath and passing without any help.

A friend’s claim that a father’s death was preventable can deepen grief’s wound, and this student’s avoidance reflects a healthy instinct to protect their emotional space. The friend’s remarks, rooted in ignorance or cultural differences, dismissed the family’s painful reality.

Such insensitivity can exacerbate grief, especially when it questions end-of-life decisions. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor, explains, “Comments that imply blame can intensify guilt and isolation for the bereaved” (centerforloss). The friend’s religious stance on “playing God” may stem from cultural beliefs, but it ignored the medical reality of organ failure. A 2023 study found 68% of grieving individuals face harmful unsolicited advice, often straining relationships (nih).

Wolfelt advises, “Set boundaries with those who lack empathy, even if it means distance.” The student’s grey rocking is a smart, non-confrontational strategy. They should continue prioritizing self-care, perhaps seeking grief counseling, and consider addressing the friend later if emotional bandwidth allows.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s crew rallied around this story like it’s a virtual support group, dishing out a fierce mix of empathy and indignation. It’s like a coffee shop chat where everyone’s hugging the student and roasting the friend’s cluelessness. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd, pulsing with support and a touch of fury:

Katana_x − NTA, but in a way I can see where she's coming from because she's still alive and she's brain dead. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Ippus_21 − NTA. That's not a friend. That's a self-centered twit who has no idea what it's like to lose a loved one, to say nothing of the wrenching complexity of end-of-life decisions. Find other friends, because that person is not good friend material. It's not just about your dad, because that insensitive, clueless attitude will apply to your relationship, too.

RefrigeratorObserver − Just tell her. She'll probably be defensive but that's not your problem, you can block her after. And she'll start avoiding you.. People don't learn to not be horrible assholes if no one calls them out on it.. NTA but talk to her instead of ghosting.

anolddisabledhooker − Your friend seems very immature and like she has no experience with life. I would take this as a wake up call that she is super ignorant and it wouldn’t hurt to take some distance

TheRealRedParadox − NTA though how the hell did you not slap the taste our of her mouth? Like, that's the kind of s**t that would get you asked kicked. She must be stupid, stupid.

xHell_Kat − My mother died when I was 22. My then-boyfriend yelled at me for not crying at the funeral because it was”made [him] look stupid”. I’ve also been told by two separate people over the years that I wouldn’t be a good mum because mine has died.

People at those ages mostly haven’t experienced a massive loss like loss of a parent yet, and they’re curious- but some are dumb and insensitive and blatantly trying to hurt you and cutting them off is the best way to deal with them so that you don’t have their energy in your life.

Demented-Alpaca − NTA but stop dodging her and just tell her you don't want to be her friend. 'Look, I don't want to go out and do stuff with you ok? What you said about my dad was insensitive to say the least and I don't have time or energy to deal with it. I don't want to be your friend.'

No room for discussion. Just say something along those lines and be done. Don't answer questions, don't argue, don't create drama. Just tell her how it is and leave. if people come to you asking or bitching about it just say 'She said some heartless things about my dad and I don't want to deal with her.'. You don't owe anyone anymore explanation than that. Anything more than that just feeds the drama machine.

mathhews95 − Uhm. Be an adult and shut her off. You can tell her 'what you said back then was very unkind and unwelcome, so don't contact me again.'

Specialist_Badger934 − I want to know her logic behind taking your dad off of all of the machines is somehow 'playing God.' I consider myself religious, but last time I checked God didn't invent all of those machines, people did. If her argument is that you shouldn't play God, then she would have been against your dad being on life support in the first place. She sounds like she just wanted to start s**t. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, NTA

dracomalfouri − NTA, that girl is not your friend. Friends don't say s**t like that. I'd tell her why you don't want to spend time with her instead of ghosting her so maybe she stops being an ass but I do think ghosting is valid if you just don't have the bandwidth to deal with her right now. I'm so so sorry for your loss and I really hope you don't pay her any mind, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

These Redditors are Team Student, cheering their restraint while slamming the friend’s heartless words as ignorant or malicious. Some push for a direct confrontation; others validate the grey rocking approach. Do their takes capture the grief’s weight, or are they just fanning the flames? One thing’s clear—this friend’s misstep has sparked a loud call for better boundaries.

This story of a student dodging a friend’s cruel claim about their father’s death reveals the raw pain of grief clashing with insensitivity. Their quiet retreat protected their heart, but the friend’s confusion lingers. Was grey rocking the right move, or should they confront her words head-on? Share your thoughts: how would you handle a friend who dismisses your loss?

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