UPDATE: AITA for asking my grieving husband if he has feelings for his best friend?

In a moment of raw honesty, a woman’s question about her husband’s grief over his best friend’s death three years ago cracked open a hidden truth: he had loved him, and the feeling was mutual. What began as a painful clash—her probing, his anger—turned into a breakthrough, with confessions, therapy, and a surprising diagnosis of her own depression. Now, their family, once fractured by silence, is stitching itself back together, with children beaming and love rekindled.

This Reddit update to a saga of loss and unspoken love has the internet cheering. For those who want to read the previous part: AITA for asking my grieving husband if he has feelings for his best friend? As the couple navigates therapy and rediscovery, readers are left wondering: can honesty heal even the deepest wounds? Let’s dive into this inspiring chapter of truth, healing, and family renewal.

‘UPDATE: AITA for asking my grieving husband if he has feelings for his best friend?’

So, as you all suggested I sat husband down and asked if he was okay, if he had the time and mental space to talk to me, etc. I apologised for what I implied- said it was inappropriate, irrelevant, and it wasn’t my place to say anything on his relationship with B.

But then he broke down, to my confusion, and started apologising to me. Said he DID have feelings for B, that I’m not delusional and stupid, that he’s just been gaslighting me (I disagree). Not going to give all the details, but hubby found out after B’s death that B had feelings for him - and it turned out to be mutual, to his shock.

He said the sudden loss and what he realised basically made him go into a very dark place where he felt unworthy of everyone, including his children, B, and I. He needed to talk about it but was terrified of losing us.Knowing my husband, I kind of saw it coming and regret that he’s only confessed to it now because I never would’ve resented him for loving someone.

And B’s gone. It’s just a lot of heartbreak for everyone. So… I insisted on therapy again and husband agreed. And he’s okay, thankfully. He did have way too much on his plate but he’s already faring much better now that he’s finally opened up. I wouldn’t blame anyone for being trapped in a cycle of self-hate after all of this.

He also mentioned his parents’ deaths too, very briefly. This all felt liberating because we finally came back to our before, where we’d share and discuss everything freely. One surprise though, is that I ended up being diagnosed. *I am* depressed. TBH, I’m still puzzled because I come from a traditional Asian family where depression is a myth.

But I guess I’d never questioned myself because I was just always too busy to. Parents abandoned me when I was 5, became a barrister at 21, worked 80 hours/week, taking care of my kids, charity work…You know what's the funniest part? I’m extremely lazy. Every second I *fight* the urge to lie down somewhere and sleep forever.

I have these random moments where I question the relevance of it all but they all seem insignificant in light of everything I could lose. I’m okay. I never felt like reaching a breaking point. My husband has been feeling guilty - so I slapped some sense into him and told him I’m not cancerous.

We also had a talk with the kids. My oldest has been radiant since then. Youngest also likes to follow my husband around like a baby chick now. I’ve become an in-house counsel, so twice as less work hours, which is really cool too haha. Yeah, idk. A lot of changes but none of them feel overwhelming! Life might be a b**ch (esp now) but I feel grateful. Yes, I sound like a cheesy moron.. Thank you so much for your help, everyone!

A husband’s confession of mutual feelings for his late friend, prompted by his wife’s question, marks a turning point in their strained marriage. His three-year grief, compounded by hidden emotions, had isolated him, but opening up—and agreeing to therapy—signals hope.

His struggle reflects prolonged grief disorder, intensified by unresolved feelings. Dr. Katherine Shear, a grief expert, notes, “Acknowledging complex emotions in grief can be liberating, but therapy is key to processing” (columbiapsychiatry). The wife’s depression diagnosis, often masked by overwork, is equally critical. A 2023 study found 15% of high-achieving women experience undiagnosed depression (nih).

This ties to a broader issue: mental health in relationships. Shear advises, “Couples therapy can rebuild trust after grief’s toll, while individual sessions address personal struggles.” The couple’s commitment to therapy and open talks is promising; continued support and self-care can solidify their family’s recovery.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s crew embraced this update like it’s a warm family reunion, dishing out a wholesome mix of cheers and wisdom. It’s like a virtual toast where everyone’s celebrating resilience and unpacking emotional truths. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd, brimming with support and a sprinkle of reflection:

Gwywnnydd − You know what's the funniest part? I’m extremely lazy. Every second I fight the urge to lie down somewhere and sleep forever.. This is actually how my depression presents. I don't get sad, I get exhausted.

MyAskRedditAcct − This is a great update, thanks for sharing. As inspiring and nice as it is to see the steps you're taking here and how well you're supporting him and taking care of yourself, I'm still so sad for everyone involved.. Life is the ultimate a**hole.

milkbaozi − Not gonna lie, I remember reading your first post and expecting the worst because of how dire things were. And I still feel sad for everyone involved. But I’m so glad things are getting better for you OP, it surely gives hope about life!

EDIT: Just wanted to add that I’m impressed with how resilient and caring you have been through this whole thing. You’re inspiring, OP. And don’t call yourself lazy, you might be one of the toughest and most hardworking people I’ve heard about lol.

Loesje2303 − Just a quick remark kinda unrelated to your story, but I see you called yourself lazy after talking about working 80 hours a week. Girl, _everyone_ would have to fight the urge to lie down and do nothing if they worked that much.

On top of that, the fact that you choose to work and _not_ lie down (even if you feel you have no choice, lots of s**tty parents show you do) makes you a not lazy person. On top of _that_, why are you so hard on yourself? You don’t deserve that.

You’ve been through a lot and apparently even fully functioning _and_ raising your kids basically alone for the past three years, successfully, _while_ being depressed. Which is a very tough thing to be going through. Very.

Would you tell any of your friends or children or even neighbours or people you don’t like lazy because they want to lie down? No (at least to the first two). Then you shouldn’t say it to yourself either. Here’s to self love and partner love and all the good things. You are doing great. You deserve to feel good. You are a good mom. You can do this.

WhoIsYerWan − Thanks for the update! So, is your husband just now coming to the realization that he is bisexual? Where does your marriage go from here, in that he fell in love with someone else while married to you?

real_highlight_reel − There’s a feeling of detachment from you when it comes to your husband. He spent three years alienating you and the kids and he himself realised and accepts he gaslighted you, which he did but you are glossing over everything as though it was nothing. Loving someone, realising your loss, doesn’t mean you get to ignore those right in front of you, especially not for three years.

The way you’re able to just glide by this, is actually something people with depression experience, you minimise the true extent of something and refuse to feel it, a certain numbness befalls you. I hope you will carve some time out for just yourself, where you’re just you and not a mommy, employee or wife and if I’m that torn you wish to lay down and do nothing, that’s okay as well.

rythmicjea − that I’m not delusional and stupid, that he’s just been gaslighting me (I disagree). No, hun, he was. That doesn't mean that you were negatively effected by it. But he was making you feel like you couldn't trust your instincts because he was hiding something. That is textbook. The fact that he recognized it and is changing is *amazing*. It truly is. I'm happy to see this update and am wishing all of the best for your family.

LittleJackass80 − I didn't see the original post but am thankful for your update. How gentle and loving your approach was, and the lack of judgement you met your husband with was beautiful. What a painful way to realize something so deeply hidden in himself, I'm sorry for everyone's loss, especially his. I hope that therapy opens up a new way forward for you all; I wish you luck.

[Reddit User] − No, he's right, he WAS gaslighting you. He did something wildly inappropriate, totally neglected you and your children for years, and was carrying on an emotional affair. Yet when he was called out on it, he lied to you, screamed at you, told you that you were crazy, and made YOU out to be the bad guy for even insinuating such a thing.

That's like, the textbook definition of gaslighting. You're way too forgiving OP, at least, way more so than I would be in that situation. I don't think he should be instantly forgiven for years and years of n**lect and abuse. Depression is an explanation, but it is *not* an excuse. What he did to you was awful.

I worry that you might be taking on way more of the emotional burden of this entire situation than you need to be, and are letting yourself be a bit of a doormat for the sake of keeping the peace. You deserve better than that. I hope for your sake and the kids' sakes, your husband is serious about going to therapy and doesn't just give up after a few sessions, like so many often do.

I'm sorry that you had no support growing up, and I'm glad that you're going back into therapy. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember: you have value, you deserve to be treated with respect, and you have permission to be angry at those who have wronged you. You don't owe anyone forgiveness without repentance.

Edit: holy bacon, gold? Wow...thank you so much! I never got one of those before. Well, whoever you are, if you can see this, thanks. You seriously just made my whole day and I'll pay it forward. Sorry, I know, I know, these

MonarchistExtreme − How awful for him and for you. I had a close friend who I often...I won't say, had thoughts about, but maybe mild curiosities. When they passed, I learned some similar things soon after, and the grieving process became a lot more complicated. It just made it take a bit longer but it all worked out in the end (for me). I hope the same for you and your husband.

These Redditors are all heart, praising the couple’s honesty and therapy strides while sharing personal tales of grief and depression. Some call out the husband’s past gaslighting; others marvel at the wife’s strength. Do their takes capture the journey’s depth, or are they just basking in the glow? One thing’s clear—this update’s got everyone rooting for love and healing.

This tale of a wife’s question, a husband’s confession, and a family’s rebirth shows how truth can mend even the most broken bonds. Their therapy journey and renewed connection offer hope, but challenges remain. Was the wife’s question the key to their healing, or just a spark? Share your thoughts: how would you rebuild a family after years of grief’s shadow?

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