AIW for refusing to change our laundry detergent for my step kids mom?

In a quiet drop-off moment, a tub of scent-free detergent became a battleground. A 32-year-old woman, handed the tub by her stepchildren’s scent-sensitive mother, tossed it in the trash, insisting her fresh-scented laundry beads stay. Her husband, once stifled by his ex’s scent rules, backs her choice, but the ex’s plea for relief lingers.

This Reddit saga, resonating with your family boundary struggles, like your sister’s wedding demands, probes co-parenting tensions and personal priorities. When do your preferences trump someone else’s pain?

AIW for refusing to change our laundry detergent for my step kids mom?’

My (32F) husband (44 M) and I add scent beads to our laundry. He shares custody of 2 kids (8, 11) with his ex wife. Honestly she is not my favorite person in the world, but she’s a great mom and co parents fine w Mike (my hubs). I’ve never really had an issue with her until now. Apparently, she is really sensitive to chemicals and smells.

For example, the kids loveeeee lighting candles at our house and they’ve shared they’re not allowed to at their moms because she hates the smell. One time at an event I pulled out lotion and her daughter asked to use some. When the mom came over, she asked what that god awful scent was, and she made her daughter go wash her hands, and it was scented vanilla/coconut…

It’s clear it was a contentious part of their marriage bc Mike shared he gave up wearing scented body sprays and deodorant, which he became resentful of. When we first started dating, he raved over “the freedom” to use laundry detergent w fresh scent beads, bc he felt his clothes smelled musty with the detergent she used.

But she’s complained to him before that the kids clothes smell awful when they come from our house…which like, we love the smell of our clothes after they’re washed. So we haven’t changed it. Well, today when she dropped them off, Mike wasn’t home and she handed me a large tub of a scent free natural detergent.

She asked we use them on the kids clothes, because “it makes [her] absolutely suicidal every time she smells their clothes that were washed at our house.” I politely told her I like the way our clothes smell and I didn’t need her detergent. When she wouldn’t take it back, I threw it away in front of her (by that point the kids had gone inside, they didn’t see this part.)

She became very upset but left. I do feel torn…I understand people can be really sensitive to things like smells, but I also really enjoy the way our fresh laundry smells! It is just the fresh scent, nothing outlandish, and like, the kids understand she has her own house

and rules that are different from ours, and we never interfere with her choices. Are we obligated to change our routine for her sake? We all d**p our laundry into the same hampers and clothes always get mixed in. I don’t want to have to change or routine for her… AIW??

EDIT #1: to add I appreciate the perspectives here, especially those with scent issues to share their experience and side of things, we are going to try to keep their clothing more separate between the houses and not add the scented beads to a load before they go back. Thanks for perspectives shared on the throwing it out, it was not my finest moment but please - I appreciate kindness…

we are all not perfect and like I said we are all 3 good co parents just all trying our best!!! Much love to everyone. I am a little surprised at some of the assumptions that they mostly live w their mom, it is 50/50 and we swap every Monday, week on week off, but Mike actually picks them up every day after school too so he sees them every weekday even when they’re not with us.

EDIT #2: I only wish everyone who is here good vibes and have compassion for each and every one of your perspectives. I think it is easy to see things from one clear lens, and harder to see other sides. I am, like all of us, trying my best. Like all of us, I still have a lot to learn and I’m willing to learn it.

I am coming from a place of not really being aware of scent sensitivity, thank you for those who are making me aware of it. His ex never really explained that, when she has asked us in the past to change our laundry detergent it was in passing and over remarks such as, “Ew your clothes stink like the kids. You need to change it to scent free detergent.”

And we’d ignore it because it felt like she was just telling us she doesn’t like how we smell, which I always brushed off but did not interpret kindly. It was never an explanation, and I needed that. In reality, our life doesn’t revolve around her and my partner and I don’t sit around bashing her all of the time.

It is human and normal to have gripes about an ex, though, and to feel insecure, and way more often than not we are solid for the kiddos sake. Thank you for many different great suggestions. Luckily the kids have their own clothes in both places, and the times this usually comes up is when they are going on a trip and need to pack stuff from both houses.

They went away w their mom this weekend and stopped by Friday to pick up bathing suits and some extra stuff, which were all freshly “cleaned” so I’m sure that was a fresh burst of the scent and impacted her enough to bring over detergent.

So there are some easy steps we can take, including being mindful when they’re going away of washing certain clothes, keeping their clothes mostly separate etc. Much love to everyone. If you are Palestinian or Israeli, my heart is especially with you this week and I’m keeping you in my thoughts. Stay safe and take care of one another.

Tossing out a co-parent’s detergent isn’t just about laundry—it’s a clash of boundaries and empathy. This 32-year-old woman’s refusal to accommodate her stepchildren’s scent-sensitive mother escalated tensions, especially given her husband’s history of resenting similar restrictions. Her act, while bold, ignored a legitimate health concern, risking co-parenting harmony. This echoes your own boundary battles, like navigating your mom’s oversteps, showing how personal choices ripple through families.

Scent sensitivity is no small matter. A 2018 study in Journal of Asthma and Allergy found that 10-20% of people experience physical symptoms like headaches or nausea from chemical scents, often in laundry products (https://www.dovepress.com/chemical-intolerance-and-scented-products-peer-reviewed-fulltext-article-JAA). The mother’s “suicidal” comment, though dramatic, signals real distress, not mere preference.

Dr. Anne Steinemann, an expert on chemical sensitivities, notes, “Fragranced products can trigger debilitating symptoms, and accommodation is a reasonable step in shared environments” (https://www.drannesteinemann.com/publications). The woman’s trash-tossing moment, as Reddit called out, was a missed chance for compromise, like washing the kids’ clothes separately. Her edits show growth, but the initial reaction strained a functional co-parenting dynamic.

Advice: She should apologize to the mother, commit to washing the kids’ travel clothes without scent beads, and keep laundry separate. Open dialogue about sensitivities could prevent future clashes.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit came in hot, mixing empathy for scent struggles with sharp jabs at the trash-tossing drama. Here’s what the community had to say:

Representative-Low23 − I’m literally laying at my mother in laws house unable to sleep because I forgot my own pillow and whatever detergent she’s using right now is giving me a sore throat and stuffy nose. I can smell detergent and hand lotion from feet away. It makes me miserable.

There are no scented products in my house at all. Usually when it comes up I tell people that I just don’t like artificial scents and that’s true. But I don’t like them because they make me low grade miserable. If it were my kids their clothes would likely be segregated in the garage and then they’d have a separate wardrobe at my house.

Affectionate_Row6557 − How about this for a compromise, whatever clothes they wear from their Mom's to you at the beginning of the week you wash in the non smell detergent and then put them in a zip lock bag. Then they wear those clothes on the day they go back to Mom's. Wash whatever they wear during the week with you the same as always. That way, Mom doesn't get the smell of your detergent when they go back and everyone is happy.

SuzieQbert − Are you for real? This is such a small ask, and you were an absolute GigaKaren about it. She wasn't even asking you to buy the detergent, she made it SO easy for you to be a decent person, and you s**t all over her simple request. And frankly, scent beads freaking stink.

I guarantee you that a solid percentage of people in your circle are disgusted by the chemical shitstorm you waft around everywhere you go, but they're too polite to tell you that you're suffocating them. Congrats on smashing a huge hole in your previously good coparenting relationship.

You owe her a hell of an apology. Edit: Looking back at your post history, it seems you have a history of being snarky at the kids' mom for no reason. You've even had your SD in tears because you're so ready to s**t on her mom's choices.

Honestly who laughs and makes running jokes about another person's house colour???? OP, you need to get over your jealousy and insecurities, because this s**t isn't a good look and it's actively harming the kids. Grow up and get some therapy before you do lasting damage to those kids

blurtlebaby − I have asthma. I can't go near a bath and body works store or any kind of candle store because it triggers an asthma attack. Be thankful you don't know the sensation of not being able to breathe. It is horrible when you are trying to suck air into your lungs and you can't.

-JaffaKree- − Yta. It would be fairly easy to skip the scent beads on one load before you drop them off. Edited to add: the below comments are also correct, scent beads wreck your laundry machines & drains and this probably wouldn't fully fix the problem. But that's not what she asked.

Also, scent beads smell disgusting to a lot of people, so you're probably losing out on a lot of social connections for yourself and your kids, and actively dissuading people with chemical sensitivities from being able to function around you.

No_Pianist_3006 − I have asthma that is triggered by chemicals as well as allergies. Chemicals such as scented laundry products, shampoos, perfumes, and so on. I seem to do alright with natural oils. I also get headaches, painful sinuses, and/or a sore throat, as well as asthmatic breathing and coughing. Sometimes, I need oxygen.

I talk to people to ask them if they can reduce the scents and will buy them unscented or naturally scented products if I have to. If I can, I will stay away from them. It's not always possible. There is no medicine to prevent this reaction.. Many more workplaces, public places, and public buildings now have no scent policies because so many people are sensitive.. I guess we are the canaries in the coal mine.

Poinsettia917 − You want kindness, but you made your step daughter cry over the color of her house. You don’t like your husband’s ex wife. I guarantee, the kids pick up on that. Be kind yourself. At some point, believe it or not, a mean attitude will drive your husband away, fancy scented clothes notwithstanding.

Popular-Block-5790 − But it’s like I’m so mad at myself. My insecurities w his ex wife are for sure a factor in what I said, but I hate that I took it out on a child, someone I love and want to support. I never meant to do that, and yet here I am, alone in my room w everyone mad at me. That’s not what I wanted. I can’t go back and change what I said and it sucks.. You need some professional help.

[Reddit User] − Unless you are cursed with the same affliction you have no idea how devastating it is.. So I’m going to talk to you as someone who knows what she’s going through. I have used one dish soap my entire life. Same with laundry soap. When I find something that does not make me sick, I stick with it. I can only hope they don’t change the formula..

Then I would be back at square one. I would love to use Pantene for my hair once in a while, but the smell actually makes me nauseous.. I love vanilla bean candles, and can tolerate them lit for about five minutes. I’m especially sensitive to resins. And if you wear patchouly around me, I will end up in the hospital.

I can tell if you wear it even if you haven’t applied it lately. You still reek of it to me, and I can smell it on your clothes. It lingers. Now, when I tell you it makes me nauseous, I don’t mean I simply don’t like it. . . . I mean, it actually PHYSICALLY makes me nauseous. I physically react to it. Along with the unbearable headache, sore throat and the closed sinuses that inevitably accompany the offending scent. It’s i**olerable.

So no, she’s not being hard to get along with. From the way you talk about her it seems like she’s pretty much OK. The kids find the scents novel because they can’t have them at home. They enjoy them with you, and that’s fine. SO … There’s no reason for you to make her life a living Hell when you send them home.

And that is what you’re doing. She has to bathe the children and wash everything they wear home. You don’t have to change the way you wash your personal laundry. But if you’re doing laundry for the children, would it kill you to be nice?. Please think about somebody besides yourself.

YTA/YAW Edit to add if you do feel that it would put you out to wash the kids laundry separately in a natural / unscented laundry soap, I’m sure she would rather you sent the dirty clothes home with the kids and she will do it herself.. That’s how bad it is. And you were a bit of a snot to throw the detergent away when she was just trying to reach out.

cloudiedayz − I’m not sensitive to smell but I do have to say that I just don’t really like the smell of a lot of scented laundry products. It smells like toilet cleaner (the “fresh” ones) or old lady (the “floral” ones) to me. I can put up with it but given the choice, why not smell better to everyone and go low or no scent?

Sensitivity to smell is very real. When pregnant I felt like vomiting when smelling those types of scents and I’ve heard that is what it is like for many people with smell sensitivity. It’s an easy fix and probably better for everyone you come into contact with as well as your clothes in the long run.

These takes are spicy, but do they overlook the woman’s side? Is this just about sensitivity, or deeper co-parenting friction?

This detergent dispute reveals how small choices can unravel co-parenting peace. The woman’s scented bead loyalty, much like your stand against your brother’s fiancée’s control, reflects a fight for autonomy, but her trash-tossing move ignored real suffering. Was she wrong to dig in, or was the mother’s ask too much? How would you handle a co-parent’s health request clashing with your routine? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this fragrant family feud!

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