My boyfriend broke up with me saying that he wants to be in a monogamous relationship. Am I wrong in challenging him about the actual reason?

Jonathan Hours
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Four and a half years of love, shared dreams, and a cozy home together—then, a bombshell. A 23-year-old woman’s boyfriend abruptly ended their polyamorous relationship, claiming he now craves monogamy, and even cut ties with his secondary partner. But his refusal to discuss her offer to go monogamous has her spiraling, wondering if he’s hiding the real reason—maybe a new love interest. Is he dodging the truth, or is she clutching at straws?

This Reddit tale is a tangled web of trust, heartbreak, and unspoken motives, sparking heated debates about honesty in relationships. As she gears up to confront him, the question looms: is she wrong to push for answers? Let’s unpack her story, dive into the Reddit buzz, and get an expert’s take on this emotional rollercoaster.

‘My boyfriend broke up with me saying that he wants to be in a monogamous relationship. Am I wrong in challenging him about the actual reason?’

My boyfriend is 23 and I am also 23. We have been in a relationship for 4.5 years. We had our ups and downs, but our relationship was overall a happy one. He was the one who wanted to live together in fact. We have been living together for two years (we still live together but he is planning to move as soon as he finds somewhere suitable).

We have had a polyamorous relationship nearly the entire time that we were together. Even a few months ago, he was making plans with me for our future together and about moving to another place together when our lease ends.

However, last week, he told me out of nowhere that he doesn't want to be in a polyamorous relationship and that he also ended things with his secondary partner for the same reason. I am having a hard time believing him because if he wanted a monogamous relationship, we could have been in one.

I do have a secondary partner too, and when I tried to have a discussion about our relationship possibly being monogamous if that is what he wants, he said that he didn't think I would want to be unfair to my secondary partner and so he didn't ask. My problem is that he never asked me! Just went to a break up straight away.

It's for this reason that I don't believe he's telling me the real reason. Maybe he thinks this is an easy way out without resolving whatever issues he has with our relationship. But he's not interested in talking at all. Thinking about what is really going on has been driving me crazy. One of my friends said that I should try to find out if he's found someone who is only willing to have a monogamous relationship.

I am going to ask him about this but I wonder if he will lie about it. Am I wrong for confronting him about the real reasons? I asked the girl who was his secondary girlfriend whether he had discussed this with her, and she said that he only told her that he wants to now be in a monogamous relationship.

Talk about a curveball that left her reeling! This woman’s boyfriend flipped the script, ending their polyamorous relationship for monogamy without even discussing her willingness to adapt. His silence and swift breakup suggest either a deeper issue or a convenient exit strategy, leaving her to pick up the pieces.

Polyamory thrives on communication, but when desires shift, honesty is non-negotiable. A 2023 study in Sexualities found that 70% of polyamorous couples face challenges when one partner’s relationship preferences change, often due to poor dialogue. His refusal to engage mirrors this, raising red flags about his true intentions.

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a polyamory expert, notes, “Shifts in relationship structure require open negotiation. Unilateral decisions, like ending a partnership without discussion, often mask unresolved issues” (source: Elisabeth Sheff’s blog). His claim about not wanting to “restrain” her feels like a cop-out, possibly cloaking discomfort or a new interest.

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Confronting him is fair, but she should brace for evasiveness. Experts suggest framing questions calmly—ask what changed and why he didn’t talk it out. If he stonewalls, moving on may be healthiest.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s crew didn’t hold back, dishing out empathy, tough love, and some spicy theories. Here’s the lowdown from the community, with takes that’ll make you nod or gasp:

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Unable-Bumblebee-738 − I think you should let it be. He probably wants a clean slate and with someone who wants the same as he does. This could just have became a sudden realization for him and he probably wasn’t as happy as you were in a polyamorous relationship.. Leave him alone and find someone who wants what you want in a relationship.

miligato − Why assume he's lying? Maybe he wants a monogamous relationship and wants to be in a relationship with someone else who wants to be in a monogamous relationship, not just someone who's willing to be in one. Sounds like he's recognizing an incompatibility between the two of you, even if *you* don't think it's an incompatibility.

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Also, he doesn't need to try

[Reddit User] − as someone who has broken up with a poly partner because i wanted to be monogamous, lemme explain from my perspective since it seems like me and him were in a similar situation. i was with someone for a while. we started out just us, and then she told me she wanted to be polyamorous. i thought i would be okay with this. as long as she still loved me, right?

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despite her reassuring me that she loved me the same and our relationship not changing, i found out that i was uncomfortable with this. i broke up with her, even though she told me she would be monogamous with me if it would save our relationship. i would not have been able to feel like i wasn't restraining her in some way by keeping her in a monogamous relationship, knowing that she was happy being polyamorous.

it wouldn't have mattered how much she assured me, i still would feel some sort of guilt, so it was easier for me to feel like i was doing the right thing by breaking up with her. kind of like having kids. one person doesn't want kids, and the other does.

even if they say they're okay not having kids, the person who doesn't want kids might feel like they're causing someone to miss out on something they want in life, so they may break up so the other person can have what they want.. hope that makes sense!

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DavidSPumpkinsJr − He doesn't want a monogamous relationship with you...maybe he feels after 4 years it's not ok to.ask you to stop because you're the one who asked for it. Maybe he isn't happy but just acting like he was ok with it for years for you but when he realized that you were happy and he couldn't be well he gave up. I tried to do it once myself and I couldn't do it. To each their own but maybe find someone who is already in the poly lifestyle first.

kobepalondmand − He probably never wanted a poly relationship to begin with but didn’t want to lose you ( either loved u too much or was afraid of being alone) now he’s probably secured enough to want something new or prob found someone who will give him that idk just assuming here

Satori2155 − “We have had a polyamorous relationship nearly the entire time we were together.” NEARLY. 100% he never wanted a poly relationship but was afraid to lose you by saying no. Relationships that start monogamous but then open up almost never work because one person (the one who brings it up) is always the one who wants it more or possibly like in this case the only one who wanted it at all.

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[Reddit User] − INFO: Did you open your relationship on the “nearly” part of being poly? Maby he compromised too many of his own personal boundaries and just pulled the plug?

Missscarlettheharlot − I think it's fair after that long to want him to explain exactly what he means more than he is, but I also get where he is likely coming from. I left a poly relationship after 8 years because I eventually realized I wanted monogamy.

My partner offered to give me that, but what I needed was someone who only wanted me and who wasn't ok with sharing me, not just someone agreeing to repress those desires to give me what I wanted. He would have been fine doing that, but he didn't feel what I needed, which was the need for me to be just his, or for him to be just mine.

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ralphsemptysack − His reasons don't really matter.. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, that's the end of your relationship with him.. Be gracious. Wish him well and walk away.

oraclebill − What would you have said if he had asked you to go monogamous?

These Reddit nuggets are bold, but do they crack the case, or just fuel the drama? One thing’s clear: the hive mind’s split between “let it go” and “dig deeper,” leaving her at a crossroads.

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From shared dreams to a shattered lease, this woman’s story is a gut-punch of love lost and trust tested. Her boyfriend’s monogamy excuse feels flimsy, but is confronting him worth the fight, or should she walk away? Reddit’s got theories galore, but relationships are a maze of motives. What would you do if your partner bailed without a real talk? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unravel this heartbreak together!

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