Boyfriend (Male, 35) wants me (Female,33) to pay him to clean the house. Am I selfish?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A woman battling cancer faced an outrageous demand from her boyfriend: pay him $25/hour to clean their shared home or face his complaints about its state. Despite her grueling treatments and household contributions, his lack of empathy has sparked a rift, leaving her questioning if she’s selfish for expecting help.

This isn’t just about a dirty house; it’s a story of compassion’s absence in crisis. The narrative pulls us into a home where health struggles meet unfair expectations, raising questions about partnership and support.

‘Boyfriend (Male, 35) wants me (Female,33) to pay him to clean the house. Am I selfish?’

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. We have lived together since 2019. He makes a significant amount more than I do, and he bought the house that we live in. He pays the mortgage and utilities. I pay for my car insurance, streaming services, gifts for family members, lawn care, phone, groceries for both of us and any other expenses relating to myself.

At the end of 2022 I was diagnosed with cancer. I had several surgeries (some minor), went through fertility treatments, had 5 weeks of daily radiation, chemo, and 18 infusions of targeted therapy. I was hospitalized twice once for 12 days and once for 3 days and I had 6 weeks of IV antibiotics. I just finished my last targeted therapy last week.

I will start oral medication that I’ll have to be on for five years starting next week. My boyfriend keeps telling me that the house is dirty. He says he’s going to put hairballs that he finds on the table so that I’ll see them. He rarely takes the trash out and does not put any dishes in the dishwasher or wash them.

I handle contacting maintenance people when anything goes wrong with the house or the cars. I schedule lawn care. I also work full time. The only house chore that my boyfriend does is his own laundry. He told me that he would clean the house but only if I pay him $25/hr to make it worth his time. He thinks since he pays for the house I should keep it pristine.

I tried to explain that I’ve had an exhausting year mentally and physically but he thinks that’s just an excuse. Am I being selfish for thinking he should help out even though he puts a roof over our head? I’m very grateful that he can do that. It’s just hard when I’m expected to do every little thing..

A boyfriend demanding payment to clean a shared home while his partner battles cancer isn’t just unfair—it’s a betrayal of partnership. The woman’s year of surgeries, chemo, radiation, and hospitalizations left her physically and mentally drained, yet she manages groceries, maintenance, and full-time work. His refusal to help with basic chores like trash or dishes, coupled with cruel comments about hairballs during her hair loss, shows a lack of empathy bordering on emotional abuse.

Illness tests relationships: a 2021 Journal of Health Psychology study found 40% of cancer patients face partner strain when support is withheld, worsening stress and recovery. His fixation on the house’s ownership dismisses her contributions and weaponizes his financial power. Psychologist Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, warns, “Partners who prioritize control over care during illness often escalate manipulative tactics”.

She should lean on her support network—friends, family, or therapists—to plan an exit, as his behavior risks her health. Moving out, even temporarily, could reduce stress, and legal advice might clarify her rights in their shared home. His wealth means a housekeeper is feasible, making his demand even more callous. She’s not selfish—she’s surviving.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit was unanimous in declaring the woman NTA, outraged by her boyfriend’s callous demand for payment to clean while she battles cancer. They labeled his behavior abusive, citing his hairball remarks and refusal to do basic chores as cruel, especially given her health crisis.

Many urged her to leave, warning that his lack of empathy signals deeper issues, and suggested she prioritize her recovery by seeking support from others. The consensus was clear: she deserves a partner who cares, not one who adds to her burden.

Jo_Doc2505 − Jesus wept. The comments he made about hair balls are particularly bad, considering she's just gone through chemo and might have lost her hair

NerdingThruLife − OP, you don't have a chore-division problem, you have a bigger problem - you got diagnosed with CANCER and your bf is making a big deal about chores and petty change?? I'm sorry WHAT. Not wrong.

LadyBug_0570 − I don't understand. Why would you pay him to clean ***his own goddam house***? How about you move out and he can pay himself to clean his own house? Or get a housekeeper when, you know, his gf is struggling with frickin cancer?. Why are you with this man?. You are wrong... TO YOURSELF.

mutualbuttsqueezin − Your boyfriend is a f**king a**hole.

ohnopenothanks − You know how when people get married they do the whole vow thing that involves

No instead he complains about cleanliness of the house that he owns and don't you forget that he owns it, it's his, you are a guest there and there's not enough you can do to be an equal partner. What a guy.

And this has been going on long enough that you're more concerned about how you'll do everything instead of stepping back and seeing the big picture. You have a partner who holds things over your head, isn't remotely worried about causing you more stress when you've just been diagnosed with cancer, and thinks you're using it as an excuse...

which means he doesn't actually trust you. And he is eager to take your money to clean his own house. GIRL. Please stop trying to figure out how to put out the fire and realize that your partner is the one setting the fire. Also consider that your health is absolutely being impacted negatively by a partner like this.

CanMysterious6040 − This is the beginnings, in fact more, of abuse my love. You have cancer and he's belittling you, making you feel bad for a 'dirty' house when you have been focusing on surviving.

If he was a good partner, he would be doing all the cleaning and telling you to stop straight away if you even tried to clean, let alone all this nastiness. Do you have a support system? Get out of this relationship now, it also isn't going to help you get better by staying in that house.

Intrepid_Potential60 − If your partnership doesn’t feel like a partnership then stop pretending it is one. Move out.

xsmacd − Get out of this relationship. ASAP.. YOU HAVE CANCER. YOUR PARTNER HAS A DIRTY HOUSE. Do you see the priorities not lining up?

[Reddit User] − Please read by Lundy Bancroft. I understand that you likely have brain fog from the cancer treatment (this happened to me too) so I will put this in the plainest terms: **Your boyfriend is risking your life by subjecting you to constant stress while you're in treatment as well as refusing to keep a hygienic home

(he lives there too, it is also his job and arguably far more his job given that your job is** ***surviving cancer***)**.** Stress is directly correlated to survival rates. He should be trying to make all of this easier for you, not throwing tantrums based on some retrograde Andrew Tate b**lshit model for relationships..

This is not the behavior of a man who loves you. This is the behavior of an enemy. What other completely unhinged behavior has this boyfriend normalized so that you have to even ask this question here?! Please understand that the boundaries of what is healthy and good have already been eroded. This hairball thing is extremely vile, evil behavior from him.

Please gather your other supports around you. Make an exit plan. You are not wrong at all; in fact, the boyfriend's behavior is egregious. The fact you're asking the question here indicates you don't have enough support in your personal life, and you absolutely need it if you're going to survive this relationship.

alfred-the-greatest − So you are paying for groceries, the biggest expense where everything is consumed, and he pays the mortgage, the biggest expense where you get to own an appreciating asset. And you don't have the protection of marriage or a joint account.. You are getting screwed by your boyfriend.

This wasn’t just about a messy house—it was about a boyfriend’s failure to support his partner through cancer. His demand for payment to clean exposed a lack of care that no gratitude for a roof can justify.

As she faces her next chapter, it’s a reminder that true partnership shines in sickness. How do you define support in a relationship? Share your story—what’s your measure of a caring partner?

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