Am I wrong for considering a divorce from my sick spouse?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A marriage forged in love is buckling under the weight of chronic illness. A 41-year-old man, stretched thin by his wife’s undiagnosed health struggles and his role as sole breadwinner and caregiver, is wrestling with thoughts of divorce.

This isn’t just about a fading spark; it’s a heart-wrenching clash of duty and desire. His story pulls us into a home where exhaustion battles vows, leaving us wondering how to balance love with personal limits.

‘Am I wrong for considering a divorce from my sick spouse?’

I (41M) have been married to my wife (40F) for 16 years and have two wonderful children that I adore. I've been struggling for the last handful of years because my wife has been battling unknown health issues that have made her participate less and less in the family.

She's typically in bed for 12 hours out of the day, and usually only goes to sleep late (3am). She experiences frequent migraines and various inflammation-related issues, and is taking medication for depression. I've tried to do what I can to support her by researching doctors and treatments to explore.

I've recommended she also try therapy since I know she has some family issues in her past she hasn't sorted out yet (she has declined/not moved forward). She takes some steps to try to make progress, but those steps are few and far in-between and usually at my prompting. I know she is frustrated by having tests come back as normal.

I also worry she doesn't properly manage her pain. She doesn't explore the migraine pain medications to alleviate the symptoms that plague her.. All this has translated into years of me having to bear most of the burden of keeping the family running.

Fixing/maintaining the house, doing vast majority of the household chores, and spending quality time with the kids on the weekend and planning family events. I work in a high-stress job and I'm the sole breadwinner for the family. Our s** life has been non-existent for over five years.

When she is awake, she's usually sedentary and watching movies by herself. She is able to drive the kids to and from school and after-school activities and occasionally has the ability to do some of the dishes, so she does contribute somewhat..

There is a part of me that wants to persevere and stand by her because she is the mother of our children and there is still love between us, however faint. But a growing part of me wants more.

I want someone who wants to go to dinner with me, someone who supports me when I am having a bad day, someone who is awake for breakfast and wants to talk to me…someone who can help shoulder the burdens of life. Right now I feel perpetually tired, alone, and starved for any type of affection.

I've told her what I need, but I feel those hard conversations only put more stress on her and nothing really changes.. If I get a divorce it would be very hard on my children, decimate the finances I've labored for so many years to establish, and honestly I don't know how she would manage on her own.

But if I stay, I worry I won't be able to find a way to be happy again.. . Am I wrong even thinking about divorce, especially since I know she's battling these unknown health issues?

Chronic illness can fracture even the strongest marriages, and this man’s struggle is a stark example. His wife’s undiagnosed conditions—migraines, inflammation, depression—have sidelined her, leaving him to juggle a high-stress job, chores, and parenting.

His exhaustion and longing for affection aren’t betrayal; they’re signs of caregiver burnout, a real risk when one spouse becomes a full-time caretaker. Her minimal efforts, like driving the kids, show she’s trying, but her refusal of therapy or pain management leaves him stranded.

Caregiver strain is brutal: a 2020 Journal of Family Psychology study found 45% of spouses caring for ill partners report depression and resentment. His nonexistent sex life and lack of emotional support amplify the isolation. Psychologist Dr. Barry Jacobs, an expert on caregiver stress, says, “Caregivers need reciprocal support to avoid burnout; without it, marriages erode”.

He must have an honest talk with her, framing his needs without blame—e.g., “I’m struggling and need us to tackle this together.” Couples therapy could help, but he should also seek individual counseling to process guilt and explore options, including separation if no change occurs. Her health challenges don’t negate his right to happiness, but divorce would hit hard—financially and emotionally, especially for the kids.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s response was empathetic but firm, urging the man to voice his breaking point to his wife before deciding on divorce. They validated his burnout, noting the toll of her untreated illness and minimal contribution, but stressed communication—suggesting therapy for both to address her depression and his resentment.

Many with chronic illnesses shared how medical failures and depression can paralyze action, advising patience but not self-sacrifice. The consensus was to fight for change, but if she won’t meet him halfway, divorce might be the healthiest path.

[Reddit User] − You would be wrong if you don’t tell her it’s coming to this.

Dizzy-Ad9411 − I am someone who suffers from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, ADHD, and ASD. The combination makes me difficult to be around at times and I’ve battled with depression and anxiety my entire life - especially as an adult and especially in early adulthood when my symptoms were not well managed.

I’d strongly recommend a few things here:. - recognize that you are entitled to your desire for love and affection from your partner - recognize that being partner to a person who struggles with invisible disabilities is really hard and really thankless. It’s a job that no one prepares you for and no one gave you a manual for.

You are allowed to feel all your feelings: resentment, anger, sadness, bitterness, boredom, and disgust are all valid. But don’t live in them. They will consume you if you let them linger. - Raising children is really hard on its own. Between my spouse and I, we have three kiddos (his, mine, and ours).

We aren’t perfect at dividing up parenting duties but we do our best to communicate our needs. - y’all both need to go to therapy. Together. Chronic pain is no joke. Especially when it is tied to a mysterious ailment. Neurological S**t sucks and a lot of it is just plain unknown to medical science still.

There are new studies coming out all the time on stuff like EDS and other genetic disorders, connective tissue disorders, neurological issues, etc which it sounds like your wife is struggling with. Navigating all that is not only frustrating but it’s exhausting.

When you are already fighting fatigue, depression, pain (which is also exhausting by the way), guilt, anger, and everything else she’s not showing on the outside, navigating the medical system is… a lot. It’s no wonder she checks out of your marriage and parenting your kids. It’s a bit like when kids act out at home.

It’s because they have spent all day behaving at school and they’re finally in their safe space at home. At some fundamental level, she knows the relationships at home are the safe ones to slack on.

But you guys need some healthy communication tools to use to get a better balance in your lives - one that helps you feel like your relationship is still alive and that your household is better in balance.. Here’s the kicker:

my husband and I are both on our second marriages because we had a lot of learning to do through our firsts. We learned to be patient with each other but we also learned that we have to speak up when we have needs that aren’t being met, that we have to put our egos aside and ask for help if we can’t navigate something alone.

and that our marriage is more important to us than whatever dumb fight we’re having in that moment. You shouldn’t just stay with your wife out of obligation but you should work to fix your relationship out of obligation to the vows you made to each other, to your children, and to yourself.

LadyPundit − If the situation was reversed, would you want her to stay by your side and support you?. I'm just curious.

Turbulent-Buy3575 − You need to tell her what’s happening and how you feel

MochiSauce101 − Good morning,. I’m a 44 year old man who’s also married with children to my wife since 2010. I too am the only bread earner in our unit. I worked long days while my wife stayed home and played with the kids.

I say play because it was important to her (and later I, once I understood) that spending the day in activities rather than her doing household chores was better for the development of our children. She was right.

During this time I would work 10-14 hour days , come home and be responsible for supper , walking the dogs , helping with baths. I’d do the dishes from previous day. Etc etc. As my kids grew up and began to attend school , my wife didn’t begin to assist with anything on her own accord. It was a fight.

And when the cost of living began to rise in this crazy market, I needed her to start bringing in money. I was doing all of this while managing an auto immune disorder that really takes away a lot of my independence.

Fast forward to today - after 4 years of fighting daily and me turning to the bottle to numb this fiasco I was in, we made it.. It took repeated arguments , no s** , and a sense of complete loss and wanting to leave too.

But I stuck it out. And I fought for what could be , not for what was. And my wife now helps around the house everyday and brings in enough money to help keep us comfortable. My point is : until death do you part is not just a slogan , it’s a frame of mind. Every relationship has their ups and downs , some have peaks and abysses.

And you’re entitled to be happy. But like everything in life , the best rewards come from the ones you work the hardest on. A lot of people will try to convince you that your happiness outweighs her slotted time to recover. Sure , eventually it should. But if you’re feeling the slightest doubt it’s not time yet.

I’d suggest if you get to the point where you don’t even feel the need to talk to someone about it anymore , then you’re at a point where you truly no longer care. I just feel it’s worth the fight. We all need to be saved a few times in our life , this is your wife’s turn.

I’m sure you’d want a partner to stick it out in return when you crumble. And you will , it’s inevitable. But doing so on your part is no guarantee it will be reciprocated. Meaning : don’t do it as a guaranteed returned act of help, do it because you want to.. Good luck

Bravoholic_ − Have you gone to therapy to help you deal with this? A caregiver and a spouse of an I’ll person is an difficult position to have. I myself had a health crash. Took years to get any diagnosis.

The medical system really fails people suffering if they don’t have something that can be simply seen in blood work or imaging.. Even now I have just accumulated vague syndromes that don’t provide any reason why or have a cure.

In the last 6 six years there have been moments of deep depression. Depressions has been a symptom of my health issues and not the cause. Too many people even doctors just hop on the depression because it is something they can label you and check off the box that they have treated you.

Luckily, I am single so I didn’t have to put a spouse through all of this with me. (Although I am burdening my parents when they should be enjoying retirement) You however made a commitment and have children. You should seek out therapy for yourself before you make such a life changing decision to leave..

I don’t think you should be forced to stay though.. Does she deal with any dizziness or fainting?. I have POTS which is a type of Dysautonomia (Dysfunction of the Autonomic Nervous System)

It is difficult to catch because I have symptoms in pretty much every system in my body but all tests come back normal. It turns out my issue is the communication between my body and brain. It gets all jumbled up and my body doesn’t regulate anything currently.

You can’t catch that on an image or blood work. It took me 8 days in the hospital when I couldn’t tolerate any light or sound and couldn’t stand up with out passing out. Now that I know what POTs is I can track my symptoms to childhood but didn’t get diagnosed until my early 30’s. I’m talking 20 years of medical failure.

The 3 years before my hospital stay/diagnosis was when it became debilitating. I lost my relationship, career, ability to drive, and living independently. All of this loss happened with no diagnosis and being treated by some doctors like it was all in my head because they didn’t have the knowledge needed to help me..

Luckily, I have family because I could not survive on my own. I say all of this to warn you that health issues are not as simple as going to the doctor—- getting a diagnosis—— treatment—— cure

The medical system fails people everyday but if you haven’t experienced this failure it is easy for people to misjudge invisible illnesses and lack empathy. I hope you take some time to take care of yourself because you are in difficult position and I am sure you are exhausted/o**rwhelmed.

CrazyCrayKay − I've been in the wife's shoes. My chronic pain was undiagnosed, and every test came back normal. My anxiety got worse, and I became severely depressed. My husband sat me down and said

but when you're not even trying to take the steps to get better or worse self-sabotaging by not sleeping or eating or taking care of your body properly, it makes it hard for me to feel like this is a partnership. It hurts me to see you like this, and I'm doing everything I can think of to support and help you, but there are some steps you have to take yourself.

I'll be by your side helping you, but I can't take the steps for you. I love you, but sometimes it's hard not to resent the fact that I'm the only one putting in the work.

You can't force her to do anything, but you need to be honest with her so she knows what she's risking by not taking the steps that only she can take. ETA: If it's legal in your state, I recommend looking into trying Kratom for her pain. It was night and day when I started taking it and I've continued using it for the last 7 years.

AssistRegular4468 − My marriage went downhill fast, after I had 2 major back injuries within 11mths of each other that put me in hospital and rehab for a month at a time. And then my husband checked out even more when our son was diagnosed as autistic.

I believed in my marriage vows so deeply, but it seems that my husband did not in fact take me for better or for worse.. It really freaking sucks to be abandoned coz your body isn't optimal health

katepig123 − You need to let her know you're at this point.

Sailorarctic − I suffer from chronic migraines, psoriatic arthritic, rheumatoid arthritis, and other inflammatpry issues. Your wife if probably going through a deep depression because ALL of this is extremely taxing on the mental state. And when you go try a medication and it doesnt work it can make you feel defeated.

I have been in that place where I felt like giving up because there were days my body hurt so badly I didnt want to move. Or if it wasnt my body, when my migraines were out of control. I once had a migraine that was so painful I didnt get more than 4 hours of sleep across the span of 6 days

which of course co tributed to an u healthy state of mind and even led me to full on hallucinations from the exhaustion. At that point I was declared to have a stasis migraine and i was literally taken into the ER and put into a borderline medical induced coma to break the thing and force my brain to rest.

Regardless, as someone said above, what got me through those times was my husband putting his foot down and getting me in to see doctors even if i didnt feel like going. And he would go in to the appointments with me to make sure i was being honest about my symptoms.

My migraines are now much better controlled and we had to make major dietary changes to help with the inflammatory co ditions as well as medications, but it is what it took to get me on the road to recovery.

You can tell your wife that that is where he lack of action is leading you is to consider divorce, but dont turn it into an ultimatum yet. I can promise you that your wife already feels like she is drowning in illness and failing at being a wife, and a mother, even if she doesnt voice it.

So step 1 is going to have to be to get her to her primary care doctor and have them get blood work done to check her rheumatoid factor and any other markers for RA. Does she have Psoriasis because thats a good indicator for PsA.

Fibromyalgia, is another likely culprit especially if she has migraines in which case a combo anti-depressant like Cymbalta would probably benefit her more than a regular SSRI because Cymbalta treats the depression but it also helps with musculo-skeletal pain.

This marriage isn’t just strained—it’s suffocating under illness and unmet needs. His divorce thoughts aren’t selfish; they’re a cry for relief after years of carrying the load. As he faces this crossroads, it’s a reminder that love doesn’t mean losing yourself. How do you balance duty and self-care? Share your story—what’s your strategy for enduring tough times?

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