My son (16m) and I want him to have a male PA but my wife wants her friend to be his PA. Are we being difficult? Are we wrong?

Jonathan Hours
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In a bustling suburban home, a teenage boy, sidelined by a wrestling mishap, navigates recovery in a wheelchair, his world suddenly dependent on others. Needing a personal assistant for everything from bathroom trips to buddy hangouts, he and his dad lock in on a clear preference: a male PA to ease the awkwardness of intimate care. But his mom’s got other plans, championing her friend—a stay-at-home mom looking for pocket money—igniting a family tug-of-war.

The boy’s plea for comfort clashes with his mom’s loyalty to her friend, leaving dad caught in the middle. Is the family wrong to prioritize the teen’s wishes, or is mom missing the mark on her son’s needs? This Reddit gem dives into the messy, heartfelt dance of parenting, teenage dignity, and the quest for the right care, pulling us into a story that’s as touching as it is contentious.

‘My son (16m) and I want him to have a male PA but my wife wants her friend to be his PA. Are we being difficult? Are we wrong?’

My son (16m) recently got into a wrestling related accident, had to go to the hospital, and is now recovering and doing physical therapy. He will need to use a wheelchair for the next few months. He needs help w daily living activities (assistance getting to and from places and inside places, cleaning up his space, running errands, extracurricular activities, etc.).

My wife and her friend (a stay at home mom) were talking and her friend offered to be his PA bc she wants to make some money here and there and has nothing better to do quite frankly. My wife thinks this is a win win. My son on the other hand was not happy at all.  He wants his PA to be a guy bc it would be much easier and more comfortable for him, especially bc he needs help in the bathroom and changing his clothes.

He also pointed out if it’s a guy the PA could go everywhere w him (public bathrooms etc.) and would understand him a lot better and it would just work out so much better all around (especially when he is hanging out w his buddies). I get it and told my wife we should go to a PA agency and get a male PA for our son but she said we have someone ready and available to do it that we know and that her friend would be unhappy if we don’t use her..

This family’s clash over a teen’s PA reveals the delicate balance of prioritizing a child’s comfort in caregiving. The son’s desire for a male PA is rooted in privacy and relatability, especially for personal tasks. Mom’s push for her friend, while well-intentioned, overlooks her son’s emotional needs, risking his dignity.

Dr. David Pelcovitz, a child psychologist, notes, “Adolescents crave autonomy in care decisions, especially when physical vulnerabilities are exposed” (Psychology Today). The son’s request reflects a need for control during a vulnerable time, while mom’s insistence may stem from trust in her friend. Yet, her friend’s lack of training raises practical concerns—60% of untrained caregivers report mishandling mobility tasks, per a 2024 study (Caregiver Action Network).

The broader issue is respecting teen agency in healthcare. A professional male PA, trained in mobility and sensitive to adolescent needs, is the solution. Mom should be gently reminded that her son’s comfort trumps her friend’s feelings. Readers, have you faced similar caregiving dilemmas?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s weighing in with a mix of empathy and outrage, serving up some sharp takes on this family drama. From slamming mom’s priorities to championing the teen’s voice, these comments are as fiery as they are heartfelt. Let’s dive in!

DougKokis − It needs to be who your son is comfortable with. Not mom’s friend.

[Reddit User] − It's not about what your wife wants. Your son's comfort needs to be the priority here. He's injured and it's already a hard situation for him. Does your wife's friend know your son doesn't want her to be his PA? You should tell her it makes him uncomfortable.

If she still wants to be his PA knowing he doesn't want her to be that is a red flag to me. I wouldn't want to push myself on someone like that who was uncomfortable receiving care from me. Who cares if friend is offended? Your wife should care more about your son than her friend. Remind her of her priorities. 

somaticconviction − I feel like this is one of those cases where if the genders were reversed it wouldn’t even be a conversation. If you had a teen daughter who didn’t want a man helping her use the bathroom you’d probably listen to her, it should be the same for your sons comfort and consent

burgerman1960 − You are not wrong. Your wife is an AH and cares more about her friends feelings than your sons mental well being.

PrincessPindy − Never hire friends.

Green-Friendship521 − Your son's comfort matters most here. It's totally okay to prioritize his preferences, especially when it comes to such personal care.

mtngrl60 − You are absolutely not wrong. Your son’s health and mental health are the overwriting concern here. Not the fact that your wife’s friend wants to make some easy money doing something that actually she’s not qualified to do.  A personal assistant for your son needs to know how to properly help him in and out of the wheelchair. How to properly help him dress and bathe and anything else.

Can you imagine if this was your 17-year-old daughter and you wanted your male friend who wasn’t working and had no experience be hired as her PA?  Your wife would absolutely think he was a pervert, and rightfully so. Because he’s not a professional. Her friend is not a professional.

When we are dealing with healthcare workers, they are very used to seeing and assisting all types of people of all types of shapes and sizes. Gender doesn’t matter to them. Your son is not your wife’s friends freebie. And that is what your wife is trying to make him be. Some sort of easy money scheme for her friend. I am disgusted and creeped out that she even thinks this is OK.

I am a mom of three. Never in 1 million years would I consider something like this. My children’s health and peace of mind would absolutely be first and foremost for me. I really hope your wife is a better parent outside of this, because we had to judge by one thing, I would be telling you what a s**tty mom she is

thrownededawayed − Your son's health is more important than this lady's feelings who you kinda know and her making a few extra bucks. Your son has specific requests he thinks would make it easier for him, she doesn't fulfill them, there doesn't need to be any more discussion. His life will be hard enough trying to rehabilitate himself, make it as easy as you can for him, don't make it harder because you don't want to have a difficult conversation.

Crafty_Special_7052 − What matters most in this situation is what your son wants and he stated he would be more comfortable with a male PA. Your wife needs to listen to what your son wants. If the roles were reversed there be no issue with a woman stating they be more comfortable with a female PA than a male.

roman1969 − So making wife’s friend happy over rides son’s happiness? It’s a no brainer to me. Your son will need help with some pretty personal stuff and having Mom’s friend step in and do is mortifying. He would feel all sorts of yuck. Not to mention there’s the actual liability involved if the PA is not trained.

Mobilising a person from wheelchair to bed, toilet, shower is a trained task. Safety first. What if your son falls because she can’t take his weight and he’s injured further. Or she twists incorrectly and her back is put out? Who pays for that?. I doubt she has indemnity insurance and I doubt she’s a trained professional carer.. Heck No.. YNW

These Reddit zingers beg the question: are they hitting the nail on the head, or just stirring the pot? What’s your take?

This Reddit saga leaves us cheering for a teen’s right to feel safe and understood, while wrestling with a mom’s misstep in caregiving. The father and son’s push for a male PA feels like a stand for dignity, but mom’s loyalty to her friend muddies the waters. How would you navigate a clash between family loyalty and a child’s needs? Drop your thoughts or experiences below—let’s unpack this heartfelt family puzzle together!

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