AITA for not accommodating someone because she never spoke up?

When you’re out with friends and decisions about where to eat need to be made, clear communication is key. In this scenario, the OP—a 28-year-old—made several restaurant suggestions and actively asked everyone, including Abbie, for her input. However, Abbie mumbled her way through the decision process, never offering a clear opinion until the group had already settled on Korean food. Throughout the meal, everyone enjoyed the food—until Abbie began complaining about it at the end.

Feeling frustrated by her last-minute whining, the OP asked Abbie why she didn’t speak up earlier and chastised her for causing a scene. Abbie reacted by leaving in embarrassment. Now the OP wonders if she was in the wrong for calling her out publicly. Is it unfair to hold someone accountable for not expressing their preference beforehand?

‘AITA for not accommodating someone because she never spoke up?’

In group settings, effective communication is critical. Dr. Emily Harris, a social psychologist specializing in group dynamics, explains that “when decisions are made as a consensus, each member’s active participation is essential for a harmonious outcome.” The OP’s frustration appears to stem from Abbie’s lack of engagement during the decision-making process.

When invited to share her preference, Abbie’s noncommittal responses created a situation where the final decision was made without her input. According to Dr. Harris, this can lead to misunderstandings later on if an individual feels that their voice was somehow silenced or ignored.

Additionally, communication expert Dr. Leonard Kim points out that “if you have concerns or dislikes about a group decision, it is far more productive to speak up at the moment rather than wait until after the fact.” Abbie’s admission that she didn’t want to upset anyone suggests a reluctance to assert her opinion—a behavior that can lead to pent-up frustration when expectations aren’t met. The OP’s reaction, while direct, was based on a simple principle: if you don’t voice your opinions when asked, you shouldn’t expect the outcome to change.

However, Dr. Kim also cautions that the tone and timing of feedback matter. While the OP’s response was arguably fair, it might have been delivered in a way that could have been more empathetic. A gentler reminder in private, rather than a public rebuke, might have maintained group harmony while still making the point clear.

Overall, both experts agree that individual accountability in group decisions is crucial. The OP’s expectation that Abbie should have spoken up was reasonable, and her frustration with the after-the-fact complaining is understandable—even if a more diplomatic approach might have avoided hurt feelings.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit community largely sided with our redditor. Commenters pointed out that if Abbie truly cared about the food choices, she should have spoken up when directly asked. Many argued that her decision to complain only after the fact was unfair to the group, and that she essentially set herself up for disappointment. Several users noted that group decisions work best when everyone participates equally, and if someone chooses silence, they’re likely to be left with the outcome they didn’t voice. The consensus was that Abbie’s approach was more disruptive than helpful, and that the responsibility to speak up ultimately lies with her.

Redditors overwhelmingly sided with the OP. Many commented that if someone is going to complain about a decision, they should have expressed their opinion earlier rather than disrupting an already settled group choice. Several users mentioned that this is a classic case of “you get what you vote for,” and that Abbie’s behavior set her up for her own embarrassment.

In the end, while a softer tone might have helped keep the peace, the OP was within her rights to expect timely input from everyone involved. If you’re going to be part of a group decision, speak up when asked. What do you think—should the responsibility fall solely on those who stay silent? Have you experienced similar situations where speaking up later caused unnecessary conflict? Share your thoughts below.