AITA for refusing to apologise to my dad’s wife for what I said when she was rude to me?

Jonathan Hours
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Under the golden glow of a summer sun, a poolside chat at a lavish summer house turned into a verbal sparring match. A 24-year-old woman, savoring her carefree summer, found herself targeted by her dad’s wife, Monica, whose sharp jabs about unemployment hit a nerve. When the woman fired back with a cutting remark, Monica fled in tears, and now the family’s harmony hangs in the balance. Was her retort too harsh, or just a well-deserved comeback?

Family dynamics can be as tricky as a tightrope walk, especially when money and lifestyles clash. The woman’s refusal to apologize has sparked a debate about boundaries and respect. With her dad caught in the middle, readers can’t help but wonder: when someone oversteps, is it fair to hit back, or should cooler heads prevail?

‘AITA for refusing to apologise to my dad’s wife for what I said when she was rude to me?’

I (24f) am currently staying with my dad at his summer house. My dad’s wife Monica is also here. To be clear, neither Monica nor I have jobs. Monica has always had an issue with my unemployment. According to my dad she thinks it shouldn’t be the case and that my dad should pressure me to get a job, which he has declined to do.

She has made the odd thinly veiled comment about it which I’ve ignored. Being all that as it is, two days ago I was out by the pool and Monica came over to sit with me, which was pretty odd. She asked what I planned on doing for the rest of the summer and I said I was having several friends come and visit after she goes home.

She asked how we all had so much free time and turned the conversation back to “work”. I was calmly dodging her barbed comments, and told her if my dad doesn’t care about my having a job, she shouldn’t either. Monica then said even if he wasn’t pushing, he would be “proud of me earning my own money” which frankly, set me off.

I turned to her and said, “do you think my dad would be proud of me ‘earning’ money the way you do?”. She got very flustered and went inside. Apparently she went to my dad in tears and told him what I said. My dad was initially on my side and said she should mind her own business, but she’s still upset and not really speaking to anyone.

My dad says I should now apologise because she’s learnt her lesson and won’t try it again but it’s time to make peace because she feels uncomfortable. I think she effed around and found out, and that she’s dragging this out. If I don’t need an apology for her inappropriate behaviour, I don’t see why she needs one for my reaction. Am I being an AH by not apologising?

Just editing because people are speculating about my living situation/lifestyle - I don’t live with my dad full time, I visit him during the summer in between travelling because the house is central to a lot of destinations. I don’t live with him the rest of the year. Re my “life of leisure”, I have a degree, three qualifications in art and design, and I do internships at fashion/auction houses. I have and do “work” periodically, just not for money.

A poolside spat might seem trivial, but it unveils a deeper clash of values and boundaries. The OP, financially secure and content with periodic work, faced Monica’s unsolicited critique, which reeks of projection given Monica’s own unemployment. The OP’s sharp retort, while biting, was a defensive response to repeated provocation. Monica’s tears and demand for an apology, however, suggest an attempt to shift the narrative.

This scenario reflects a common family issue: navigating unsolicited advice. A 2022 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships notes that 60% of family conflicts stem from perceived overreach in personal decisions. The OP’s situation underscores how financial dependency dynamics—real or perceived—can fuel tension.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, advises, “Respecting boundaries is key to maintaining healthy family ties, especially when lifestyles differ”. Gottman’s perspective highlights Monica’s misstep in pressing the OP, while the OP’s harsh reply escalated the conflict unnecessarily.

For resolution, a calm discussion could clarify boundaries. The OP might consider a neutral apology for tone, not content, to ease tension, while Monica should respect the OP’s choices.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s take on this summer house showdown is as lively as a beach bonfire. From cheers for the OP’s clapback to advice on keeping the peace, the community didn’t hold back. Here’s what they said:

ClothesQueasy2828 − NTA. Apologize for what? Commenting on her employment status after she commented on yours?

Repeat4Reps − She should have dropped it after you dad declined to intervene. He is your parent, she is not, it's not her place. That being said however, you're 24. I assume you're still living with a parent. It wouldn't be such a bad idea to start working already and fly the nest. You can be a SAHM later.. \*edit for judgement - NTA.

eternallnewbie − INFO: is there any reason you don't have a job besides not wanting one?. EDIT: OP already answered this below, she's independently wealthy. NTA why work if you don't have to?

[Reddit User] − How is it that the one who’s supporting op have no problem with it but the one who’s also benefited and unemployed just like op wants to put in their 2 cents. If it works for them, it works. it's nobody's business. NTA

KatharinaSuzanna − INFO: is she unemployed to be a housewife, for medical reasons or something else? What I basically mean to ask is, is her unemployment intentionally and/or permanent? And what about for you? Because let's be honest, most people will expect the 24yo unemployed kid to look for a job and/or education (unless there's a reason not to). But if she is a housewife or disabled or something than nobody is expecting her to get a job.

Viewfromthe31stfloor − NTA - it’s like people here have never met anyone with a trust fund. You don’t need a job and she should mind her own business.

mythoughtsrrandom − I know it's not socially acceptable to relate yourself in other peoples stories but sometimes it's the only way I know how to express myself. When I was your age (said in an old timey voice) My dad got remarried. She was horrid to me. Looking back I can see she was jealous in a weird way. I was daddy's girl and I don't think she liked it.

Different loves lady! Anyway. We didn't get along. She would be mean and I'd be snarky back. My dad asked me to apologize. WTF. He came right out and acknowledge it was 80% her fault and 20% the way I reacted but it was putting him in a bad position and he wanted us both to apologize. We didn't have to get along but could we please just be civil.

I was livid. I saw red. But i loved my dad more than I disliked her. So i did it. I hated seeing my dad uncomfortable and distressed. She is the best thing that happened to him really. It's been 20 years and we still just act civilly. No fairy tale we are the best of friends here. But my dad is so happy and that makes ME happy.

Who gives a flying F\* if she approves of you? Let that roll off. When someone, anyone makes a comment about anything in your life, or any situation arises, ask yourself if it will matter in 5 years. If it won't, don't let it bother you. Because life will throw you some serious s**t. Don't let this stuff wear you down.

No-Dig-1350 − It is hilarious to read all the comments to OP about “be an adult” “do something with your life” “get a job” etc. etc.. I want to ask the adults who have a job- 1) Do you think you are doing something with your life? Or are you stuck in a dead end race to provide for your lifestyle- whatever it is?

2) If you have a sudden windfall and have the option to not work but the inheritance would last you a few generations, would you do projects or would you continue to work a job? And then tell me how is the OPs choice wrong!

barefootwondergirl − NTA. Monica is worried you're spending all

And offer to apologize on the stipulation that she never interjects her opinion about your job status or finances again. If he's willing to have that conversation with her, tell her to stay out of it, then a small apology for

No-Warning4684 − NTA. It’s not her business what your dad does you’re his child, she’s not paying for you and is also unemployed.

This tale of a sharp-tongued retort and a family standoff leaves us pondering: when does standing your ground cross into stubbornness? The OP’s refusal to apologize defends her autonomy, but Monica’s hurt feelings remind us that words can ripple. If you were poolside, would you have fired back or kept the peace? Drop your thoughts and stories below—let’s dive into this debate!

These opinions spark like firecrackers, but do they light up the whole story? Maybe the truth floats somewhere in the pool of mutual respect.

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