AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?

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Imagine a home buzzing with the chaos of a toddler’s giggles, but shadowed by the weight of impending loss. A 30-something woman, pregnant with her second child, juggles work, parenting, and a crumbling sense of partnership as her husband spends every moment with his dying father. For six months, their life has been a blur of hospital visits and FaceTime calls, leaving her feeling like a single mom. Now, with her father-in-law’s end-of-life decision days away, tensions boil over.

When her husband asks for space to grieve, she snaps, frustrated by broken promises and mounting pressures. This Reddit tale dives into the messy clash of grief, duty, and resentment, asking: was she wrong to push back against his pain? Let’s peel back the layers of this heart-wrenching story and see where empathy and exhaustion collide.

‘AITA for not being more supportive while my FIL is about to die?’

Sorry if this is too long, I just don’t want to miss any context. My FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer back in September. We knew he had less than a year. Since then, my husband has spent every single night FaceTiming his dad while I’d chase after our toddler by myself for most of the evening.

Our weekends were spent at his parents’ house (they live 2 hours away across the border in Canada). So we’ve essentially spent 0 time alone together for 6 months, and most evenings I feel like a single mother. Throughout this time, his father is just slowing decaying. He needs way more attention and care than my toddler.

So, when we visit, I am alone with my child again while my husband, his mother, and his sisters are all tending to his father. Before his father got sick, we were talking about trying for baby #2. I wanted to wait until his father passed, because selfishly I was thinking of what a difficult time it would be to be pregnant while chasing after a toddler alone, my husband grieving, the whole family grieving, etc.

My reasoning to my husband was I didn’t want him to feel torn between two families, and when I’m pregnant, I will need him with us*, but right now his father needs him. He insisted everything would be fine, and finally I caved and got pregnant in January.. All that said, his father has decided to end his life this coming Monday.

My husband is not handling it well, and is already grieving a loss that hasn’t happened yet. He does not handle loss well. Yesterday and today he has asked me to leave work early to go pickup our daughter so he can go home and drown in his sorrows. This weekend and all of next week, I fully anticipate doing everything on my own and leaving him be, because I can’t tell someone how to grieve.

My problem right now, and where I might be an AH, is I’m arguing with him for grieving “in advance” before it has even happened yet, and he swore to me months ago (when I didn’t want to get pregnant yet) that I wouldn’t be left to pickup the pieces.. Now he’s telling me I’m not being understanding or sympathetic when he’s about to lose his father.. So, AITA?

This story lays bare the brutal intersection of grief and family strain. The husband’s anticipatory grief—mourning his father before the loss—is real and valid. As Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, a grief expert, explains, “Anticipatory grief can be as intense as post-loss grief, marked by anxiety and emotional withdrawal.” The husband’s retreat into sorrow, though, leaves his pregnant wife carrying an unfair load, especially after he pushed for another child.

Her resentment stems from a broken promise—she’d be supported during pregnancy. A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that 42% of couples report increased conflict when one partner faces a parent’s terminal illness, often due to uneven emotional labor. Her job demotion and fear of unemployment add fuel to her stress, making her feel like she’s drowning.

Doka suggests couples “communicate openly about grief’s impact.” She could initiate a calm talk, acknowledging his pain while sharing her fears. Leaning on friends, family, or a sitter could ease her load.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit brought a mix of empathy and tough love, dishing out perspectives like a family dinner gone awry. Here’s what they said:

Puzzleheaded-Age-240 − This is a tough one. You are absolutely right in that he pushed for the pregnancy, promised you wouldn't be on your own, and is not holding up his end of the bargain. But a long, drawn-out end of life scenario is something you can't really prepare for emotionally until it happens to you. It's most likely he did mean what he said, but just isn't able to meet his end of the agreement right now.

It's possible that having this time to prepare for it will help him recover more quickly afterwards. Either way, he's speaking from a place of immense pain right now and you're speaking from a place of exhaustion. I actually think this is NAH here because you're both under so much extra stress.

Can you at least get a few hours break over the weekend? Maybe he can take the toddler to his family this weekend and you can stay home and rest. Give them some space for their grief. Or find a sitter for a day and let him go alone. I hope your family and extended family find peace soon and that you get some much-needed rest time. 

icerguy0211 − TBH NAH- your husband is going through a major trauma and life event. I understand how difficult it must be for you to handle a lot of stuff on your own. It's got to be extremely frustrating and exhausting, I feel for you. Do you have other family or friends you can lean on during this time? But saying he can't grieve before it's even happened? Grief doesn't work like that.

And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you already had reservations about being pregnant again when your husband was going through all this, why did you agree to get pregnant again? You absolutely should not have caved and should've held firm. Your husband is obviously in an emotional state and cannot make good decisions, having another baby shouldn't have even been on the table

jx1854 − Its called Anticipatory Grief. Its a well-research concept. It's very normal. My mom died of brain cancer. I couldn't function for the time shortly before and after her death. Its not an experience anyone understands until they go through it.

I couldn't pull my weight around the house.  My husband carried it all. If he had made me feel guilty or bad about it, that really would have been a deep, deep cut. Unfixable, likely. I encourage you to be his support during this time. Its an unbelievable hurt.

Only_Memory9408 − But why did you get pregnant? I mean sorry but this was a really dumb move.

hopefulrealist23 − You are the AH and I knew it when I read this,

And he does not handle loss well? I don't think anyone does. This is one of those times in life where you need to shoulder more of the burden in your marriage as a parent. I would suggest you lean on your family and friends for help. I also don't know why you rushed to get pregnant at a time like this? That was poor decision-making.

BoredofBin − I may be in the minority here but I am going to go with YTA here. I understand that you are pregnant and you do need your husband to be there for you but we are talking about his father here. The man who raised him and probably has a solid relationship with. This isn't about you and him but it's about him and his grief. You cannot put a timeline on when and how he can grieve.

He is still coming to terms with his father being gone, which isn't going to be easy.. You have to put him first here. Acting distant, less supportive is only going to make matters worse. ETA - The more I read your post and replies, the more repulsed I am at your attitude. You have no reliable support system and are only wanting your husband to pick up the slack.

You need to realise that this time will pass, and you will have your life and your husband back. Your husband however will forever lose his father. And that is something that should be your focus. I remember when I was pregnant (2nd Trimester), it was during the 2nd COVID wave, my GMIL was close to death's door (she would pass the following year) and neither was my MIL.

I was working full time and my husband had a construction project going on in the outskirts of our city. His attention and responsibilities were constantly divided. Him being the eldest son, all the responsibilities had to be shouldered by him. This also meant that he couldn't be with me when I needed him the most.

Was I sad and frustrated? YES! But never once did I want him to leave aside the responsibilities he had to only look after me. I went ahead and stayed with my parents, till the time both my MIL and GMIL were out of the woods and my husband was able to fulfil his responsibilities towards his family and not have to worry about me.

mrsrossmrrachel − This post makes me sad. I’m not going to call anyone an a**hole but why get married if you’re not going to support each other through the hardest parts of life? People should be able to rely on their spouse when life is hard. If you’re already resenting your husband for spending this time with his family, maybe it wasn’t the time to “cave” to getting pregnant right now.

Puzzleheaded-Ad2795 − This is a really rough situation, and I’m sorry. I would make sure to emphasize to your husband that.. you’re not mad he’s grieving. You’re upset that you saw this problem coming, you told him, you didn’t want to do it, and he *talked you into it, swearing it would be different*. It sounds like he didn’t really acknowledge or take in your feelings and fears.

He just wanted another baby to distract himself from his dad dying, and didn’t think about what it would be like in reality enough. But there’s unfortunately not much to be done about it now. You’re already pregnant, and his dad’s already dying. Does your family live nearby? Do you have any close friends? I think it would be best to lean on outside support. You can’t do this all on your own, and that’s okay

smol9749been − Im going to say YTA. You shouldn't be dealing with everything alone. But you also have to understand: his dad is literally going to die in like 3 days. Part of being married is that sometimes you have to pick up the load when these horrible events happen. It's not easy, it's incredibly hard, but arguing with your husband because he needs to grieve his dad who's dying so soon is an ah move.

Humble_Pen_7216 − Not to be unkind but what did you expect? Your husband has been grieving for months. Now that D-day is almost here, *of course he is a mess*. Why on earth did you get pregnant before he passed? If you want to help, find a grief counselor for your husband for next month and stop expecting him to be back to normal so fast.

These Redditors serve up raw takes—some call her out, others see both sides. But do their judgments miss the deeper strain of juggling grief and survival?

This wife’s story is a gut-check: grief can fracture even the strongest bonds, especially when promises falter. Her frustration isn’t heartlessness—it’s exhaustion from carrying too much alone. Supporting her husband’s grief while pregnant and scared takes superhuman strength, and she’s only human. A sincere apology and open talk could mend the rift. Have you ever clashed with a partner during a crisis? Share your thoughts—how do you hold space for grief without losing yourself?

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