AITA for asking a friend if SHE understands wedding courtesy, or else she can’t bring her 4 year old son (who is on the spectrm)?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Weddings are a celebration of love and unity, and every detail is carefully curated to create a memorable day for the couple and their guests. However, when personal expectations for decorum clash with differing parenting styles, it can lead to unforeseen conflicts. In this case, the wedding host faces a difficult decision regarding one friend’s approach to child-rearing, which she believes may undermine the respectful atmosphere expected at such a significant event.

The host distinguishes between parents who easily manage their children and those who insist that the world revolve around their offspring, even at the expense of others’ comfort. With a deep understanding of the importance of wedding etiquette, she raises concerns about the disruptive potential of certain behaviors—such as loud, unmonitored devices during a ceremony—which not only disturb the proceedings but also risk making the event less enjoyable for everyone.

‘AITA for asking a friend if SHE understands wedding courtesy, or else she can’t bring her 4 year old son (who is on the spectrm)?’

I feel like there are 2 types of parents in this world. The first type of parent goes:

And I have noticed a huge difference in outcomes for kids who were raised by Parent Type 1 vs. Parent Type 2. The vast majority of my friends with kids are Type 1 parents. That's why I have absolutely no problem with having kids at my wedding.

Because I know they will prevent their kids from being disruptive during the serious parts, and not just let them loose as hellions during the fun parts. I have ONE friend who is a type 2 parent, and I really feel for her son because he is going to face a lot of social r**ection when he gets older.

He is probably one of the most spoiled, inconsiderate children I have ever met, but it's really not his fault. My friend his mother is adamant that he should NEVER have to be considerate of others, and all adults and children should just accommodate all his whims and be

So I don't hold it against him even though he's awful to be around, because it's truly not his fault. Nobody has ever taught him how to act in any form of interpersonal interaction. That being said, I really don't want him at my wedding, but I cringe at the idea of singling my friend out as the only person whose child can't come.

And she certainly will want him to come, she doesn't go anywhere without him. The problem is I could see her handing him an iPad and having him play games on it at full volume during the entire ceremony and find it outrageous if anyone has an issue with it, because her son

I wanted to broach the subject with her but not be insulting towards her son. The way I approached it was trying to get at whether or not SHE understands wedding etiquette. Such as not playing loud videos during the ceremony. I just wanted to figure out if there would be any issues, but apparently this approach made me an a**hole according to her.

Balancing the demands of a formal event with the unpredictable nature of young children is a challenge, and professional advice often underscores the importance of clear boundaries. The host’s concerns arise from a desire to safeguard the overall ambiance of her wedding while still trying to accommodate family and friends. In her view, maintaining decorum is essential to preserving the solemnity of key moments, such as the ceremony, where even minor disruptions can have a significant impact.

The difference in parenting styles plays a pivotal role in this scenario. Research in family psychology consistently shows that children benefit from learning early on about context-appropriate behavior. Quiet, self-regulated environments not only help preserve the integrity of events but also set a precedent for how children interact in social settings. By drawing attention to these norms, the host is making an appeal that’s backed by insights from behavioral studies, stressing that certain expectations—like keeping devices silent and adhering to a respectful demeanor—are not arbitrary but necessary for communal harmony.

Family therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch explains, “Understanding personal boundaries and capacity is key in family dynamics. It’s important to recognize that context matters—what is acceptable in one setting may not be in another.” This perspective validates the host’s concern about ensuring that every guest experiences a respectful, uninterrupted celebration while gently addressing potential behavioral issues before they escalate.

Looking ahead, experts recommend early communication and setting clear guidelines for events where large groups are present. Rather than singling out an individual, it may be more effective to establish a universal rule, such as no electronics during the ceremony, to prevent any unintended disruptions. This proactive approach not only addresses behavioral concerns but also fosters an environment where all attendees understand and respect the event’s decorum, benefiting both the hosts and their guests.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The Reddit community largely echoes the host’s concerns. Many commenters agree that maintaining a respectful atmosphere at a wedding is paramount, and if a guest’s behavior could cause disruption, it is entirely justified to set strict boundaries.

A number of users feel that the friend’s parenting approach has already set a challenging precedent, and that the host’s proactive questioning—though difficult—was a necessary step in preventing a potential disruption. Overall, the consensus is that wedding etiquette should be upheld to protect the special moments of the day.

dryadduinath − ehhh. nta. i wouldn’t have done it? but mainly because i would have just gone ahead and told her he wasn’t invited, and i understand if she won’t be able to make it.

maybe you were condescending, but if her parenting has reached a point where you actually believe she’d bring an ipad to the ceremony i think she’s been an ah to everyone around her for a while.

also, i find it telling that you mention she found it condescending, but you don’t mention anything about her saying “of course i understand that, hdu”. maybe she did. but i suspect not. 

No-Sea1173 − NTA. That's a difficult conversation to have.  So can I clarify - you're trying to avoid having to say outright he can't come, by working out whether she understands that the behaviors you mention above are inappropriate at a wedding? Is that right? 

Even if she says she understands wedding etiquette, so you think she'll actually manage him properly on the day? If not, then why have the conversation at all?  I suspect you're best option is just to say outright her son is not invited (but you'd love to see her) because you've observed he struggles to be quiet and still when necessary. 

If she objects, you just cite examples of him being disruptive (I'm sure you've got loads). And you understand her position that it's tough being autistic, perhaps he can't help it etc etc. But you still want ppl to be quiet at times in the wedding.  That way it's not a criticism, it's an observation. 

lemon_charlie − NTA. She's raising him to have no capacity to process r**ection or not being the center of attention, and things are going to get worse if there's any chance of them getting better.

Graycat17 − I think she’s telling you not to invite her or her son. She basically told you how she’s going to behave. Take this as an opportunity to dial down the friendship. and congratulations!

Restaurant-Usual − NTA....You're in a tough spot and you’re not wrong for wanting your wedding to be a certain way. If she truly thinks any request for basic consideration is an attack on her and her son, there’s not much you can do without additional drama.Some people just don’t take hints and you’ll have to decide if it’s worth having the blunt conversation and ensuing fight/fallout.. Sucks, but this is your day.

Relatents − She is setting up her son for a disastrous childhood and non-functional adulthood where he will be shunned and will have no understanding of why.  You tried to reach her gently but she didn’t listen.

An intervention won’t work any better if she refuses to listen but maybe hearing it straight from all of you might make her question her choices (or become even more defensive). I don’t see how you will be able to maintain a friendship while ignoring that her child is so neglected and is thus causing chaos everywhere.

You may as well stop trying to be gentle and do anything you can to help him even if it drives her away because when you eventually explode at her, the result will be the same. . NTA

Historical-Composer2 − I’d make a rule - **no electronics during the ceremony.** None. Then you won’t have the photographer blocked by Aunt Sue running around trying to take pictures and little Jimmy won’t be able to watch his iPad during the ceremony.

ComfortableSpell6600 − No judgement from me, though I suspect she will no longer be your friend when all is said and done.

Ghanima81 − Is she that of a wonderful person that you have to maintain a friendship with such a neglectful parent?

Independent_Prior612 − There was no hope of this conversation not pissing her off. You were never going to win. That doesn’t make your concerns invalid. It simply means she was never going to take it well no matter what you said. You are essentially passing judgment on her parenting, which she thinks is the best way to raise him..

So now you have alienated her, even if you had a valid point. This could end the friendship. I’m not going to call you TA, but if it were me I probably would have just silently not invited her at all.

Or else made the whole wedding child free (which is a recent wedding phenomenon I disagree with in general but that’s another discussion). Because I do agree with your instinct that you can’t make her the only one who can’t bring their kid.

In conclusion, the tension between personal freedoms and the need for orderly conduct in special events like weddings is a complex issue. The host’s attempt to address potential disruptions through a conversation about wedding courtesy may have been interpreted as condescending, but it stems from a genuine concern for the overall success of her day.

How should hosts navigate the fine line between sensitivity and enforcement of decorum? What compromises, if any, are acceptable? Share your experiences and thoughts on balancing personal values with event etiquette in the comments below.

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