AITAH for being willing to watch my brothers kids regularly but never my sisters kids when she may lose her job without help?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A blend of family duty and professional commitment can sometimes spark emotional conflicts, as seen in this unique situation. The post tells the story of a 24-year-old woman who willingly helps her brother by watching his calm, self-sufficient twins, while declining to assist her sister with her three high-energy children. Despite sharing a similar family bond, the two siblings face contrasting realities at home: one group of children requires only minimal supervision, whereas the other demands constant attention. This contrast not only highlights differing childcare challenges but also creates friction within the family dynamic.

In a warm, friendly tone, the narrative unfolds against the backdrop of a busy work-from-home life, where balancing career priorities and family expectations becomes a real juggling act. The story invites us to reflect on the nuances of willingness, convenience, and the unspoken rules governing family help.

‘AITAH for being willing to watch my brothers kids regularly but never my sisters kids when she may lose her job without help?’

I 24f am child free along with my husband. Neither of us really like kids. I have two siblings. 29m and 31f. My brother and his wife have twins, 6m and 6f. His kids are very quiet and well behaved. They mostly prefer to be left to their own devices. There has been speculation that they both might be on the spectrum.

They barely talk, and spend all their time together. They like to read books and play games on their switch. I wfh and am in general an introvert. My husband is too. I am my brothers emergency contact for the kids school. My brother regularly asks me to watch the twins, and I agree.

Sometimes I pick them up from school so my brother can run errands. Whenever the kids get sick at school or something happens I am usually the one to come get them and watch them while I work. My brother and his wife both work in healthcare and can’t leave work easily.

I have no problem watching the twins because well, I don’t actually have to watch them. They’re completely fine to be left to their own devices in the living room while I work or play games in my home office. They’ll even open the fridge and make sandwiches for themselves if they get hungry.

They are the easiest and quietist kids I’ve ever met. I even watch them here and there so my brother and his wife can have a date night, which he always pays me well for. My sister has 3 kids. 7m, 4m, and 2m. Her kids are a handful, from what I’ve seen at family gatherings.

The 7 year old is always trying to wander off, and has to be watched. The 4 year old screams, and likes to throw things at his siblings. Constant temper tantrums too. And the 2 year old is just a typical needy 2 year old. So they’re all quite a handful. My sister has asked me to watch her kids countless times over the years and I have said no every time.

I’ve never even changed a diaper and I have no interest in dealing with her super high maintenance kids. Last year her husband left her. It was a whole ordeal. He works as a trucker and pays his child support, but he doesn’t come back to see the kids anymore.

Last week her 4 year old bit another kid at the preschool, and she was told she had to come get him. They also have a rule where if a kid bites another kid they are suspended for a week. She asked me to come get him and also babysit for a week because she will loose her job if she takes a week off last minute. I refused. I wfm but I’m still working.

I can’t watch a difficult kid while I work. It would be one thing if I just needed to check in on him every other hour like my brothers kid, but this kid needs constant supervision. It would make me look bad to my boss, and seeing as I’m trying to get a promotion soon, I can’t have that.

She doesn’t understand why I can watch my brothers kids and not hers. She completely blew up at me crying and yelling at my mother’s house the other day saying it’s not fair that I never help her but I help my brother all the time.

I tried to explain to her that it’s because his kids are very easy and hers aren’t. She cried and said that she didn’t get to pick how easy her kids are, and I should step up anyways.. AITAH? My mom thinks I am, but she also doesn’t watch anyone’s kids because she’s disabled.

Balancing professional duties with family responsibilities is no small feat. In this case, the OP is faced with a dilemma where her career and work-from-home lifestyle play a crucial role in her decision-making. She finds that her ability to support family members is directly linked to the demands of her work and her need to maintain productivity.

There is a clear contrast between the children: the twins, who are quiet and self-sufficient, require minimal supervision, making it easier for her to care for them while working. On the other hand, her sister’s kids demand constant, hands-on attention, which could distract her significantly and jeopardize her professional responsibilities.

Family therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch emphasizes the importance of recognizing one’s limits when it comes to providing help. “Understanding personal boundaries and capacity is key in family dynamics. It’s important to recognize that not all children have the same needs.” This insight underscores that the OP’s selective willingness is not about favoritism but about practical limitations in balancing work and childcare effectively.

Moving forward, the situation suggests that clear communication and exploring alternative childcare solutions could benefit the entire family. Arranging for professional childcare or sharing responsibilities with other relatives can help ease the pressure, ensuring that the OP doesn’t have to compromise her career or the quality of care provided. This balanced approach helps maintain both family harmony and professional integrity.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Most Reddit users agree that the OP’s decision is grounded in practical reality. Commentators note that watching the twins, who are largely self-sufficient, does not interfere with her work-from-home lifestyle. They point out that expecting her to perform the same task with children who demand constant supervision is both unrealistic and unfair.

Some users even argue that the sister’s expectation fails to consider the different needs of the kids involved. The sentiment is clear: family support should be aligned with what one can feasibly manage, and not every request for help is reasonable given different household circumstances.

Snackinpenguin − I think your sister needs to understand that you can’t babysit while you have your work. The two aren’t compatible. You can’t put your own job at risk to continuously do her favours.

p9nultimat9 − NTA Her 4yo has behavioral issues that he is not allowed to go to school for a week. Sister needs to take this issue seriously. This is not something she can ask her working sister to do free babysitting for a week and let it pass.

JTBlakeinNYC − NTA. The only reason you are able to watch your brother’s kids while working from home is because they are completely self-sufficient and make no noise, allowing you to work from home uninterrupted.

Your sister’s children are normal kids—e.g., loud, energetic and requiring constant care. You cannot simultaneously watch them and work from home, and even attempting to do so would risk your job.

queenofcaffeine76 − I have had friends in similar circumstances. OP's sister needs to think about why no one will babysit for her.

Variable_Cost −

thelittlekneesofbees −

Use the money you would have paid me to hire a babysitter. I'm assuming you were going to pay me rather than expect me to miss a week of work for free?

moominsmama − NAH. While you cannot pick how easy or difficult YOUR kids are, you can definitely pick the ones you babysit. Not only do you not have to babysit them, but you absolutely, definitely shouldn't. From what you describe, you are not able to give them the attention they need and it's not safe for them to be there while you're working full-time.

The only reason I am not calling your sister TA here is because she sounds like she's at the end of her tether and not thinking straight. If you can and want to help her, talk to your other relatives

and pitch in for babysitting money, or volunteer too come clean her house once in a while etc. There might be other ways to help her, but babysitting is definitely not one of them. I hope she will understand that.. Edit: minor grammar.

Wonderful_Minute31 − My firstborn was chill. My wife works from home. She was able to keep him home until preschool at 4yo. He liked quietly playing and reading. Now he’s a typical elementary kid w friends and sports and s**t. My younger child is NOT chill. Never was. From birth.

Very busy and loud and adventurous. She was not able to stay home w wife and wife actually work. She had to go into daycare at 10mo. It just happens. My own kids aren’t an exception. WFH is working. It isn’t fair to watch any kids but if your twin niblings are chill, you can. I get it. NTA.

calamnet2 − NTA You explained yourself rationally to somebody thinking irrationally. Her sense of entitlement is a tad overboard. Her job is apparently more important than yours.

wasmachmada − Her losing her job because of her kids is far more fair than you losing yours over her kids. NTA

In conclusion, this case underscores the importance of recognizing one’s limits while striving to support family in ways that are mutually sustainable. The OP’s choices reflect a necessary balance between personal career objectives and familial obligations.

It raises a valuable discussion: how should families negotiate help when individual capacities differ so significantly? What practical measures can be taken to ensure everyone’s needs are met without undue pressure on one person? We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences on managing such delicate family dynamics in today’s fast-paced world.

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